Substitution

This song impresses me so much because it brings out my inner aggravation with people that just can not take the blame for anything... can't take responsibility for anything.... just love being the victim in all their circumstances. The song poses such great solutions to problems to someone who keeps being whirl-winded by their own self-induced drama. Quite brilliant.

How am I?.... Good question... How exactly am I? I'm good. Incredibly sexually frustrated. Like it's in new heights these days and I can't explain it. It's really a pain. Crushes suck, as usual. I'm finding myself this week to be drawing back. Not necessarily isolating, but pulling back before I do some major damage. I slipped back into my over exerting self recently and that is never any fun. I'm trying to keep my little midget that embodies my sexual frustration at bay. I'm hoping for El Jalisco to come along at some point (wonderfully constructed inside joke between Tra and I).

I've been going out quite a bit recently. Like out to party and drink and such. The disenchantment that I've always had with it still remains, but I think an inner part of me is concerned about not being social and taking advantage of the fact that people are FINALLY inviting me to things. It never happened that much before this year. I guess I like the um... thought? That people greet me when I show up. That people ask me where I am if I'm not where the group is. And it's usually a different group per week. I'm not caught up with it I don't think- it gets too expensive. But I always walk away wondering if I have any friends there. Or if it's worth me seeing people in their worst state... doing things they would normally not do intoxicated. Not being the one with the drama for once, it's stunning to watch hearts break and guards get let down and confusion encompass a night.

My inhibitions were broken a little bit early in the weekend. It ended on a sweet note, but I'm hating myself for it. The over exertion I mentioned had to do with this guy (surprise surprise) and I did some extra nudging and finally got him to hang out with me. Totally innocent we drove around for a while and then talked in my car in front of his place for a long time. It was a good helpful talk I hope. He seemed to gain a lot from it. But I left feeling... terrible. Like the swarm of emotional stuff that I suppressed to talk to him had resurfaced the moment he got out of my car and I felt... feel... rejected. Like I burned myself somehow. I'm hoping that some of this is just me being a girl and it's all in my head. It usually is. I think I just want to not spark anymore of these feelings and if I have them I want to not act on them in any way.

Man I'm incredibly emotional recently. I think I'm premenstrual. Awesome. Just what I needed. The exaggerated feeling I have right now is pain from embarrassment and rejection, that I actually haven't really experienced embarrassment. What am I embarrassed about? Being goofy with a guy and getting him to drive to wal-mart with me which resulted in a sweet talk about his personal life? Rejected? If he didn't want to hang out with me he would have said no. It was not a topic for discussion and it doesn't really matter if he's interested in me or not. Okay so I think he's.... lots of really awesome things, but am I going to muddle my friendship with him over all that with being upset that he doesn't want to date me? Is that not the most insecure pile of crap you've dealt with in a while?

So what do you do? Me? I... um....

You just relax and give it to God.

There it is again. The Christian way to handle things.

Do I lie to you?

You have no room to.

There you go. Seriously pray about it and let it go.

"It's so easy to see anyone can agree just let it go."

So there you have it. I need to stop going out or at least take an intense break from it for a while. I need to pray more and talk to God about the silly and even insignificant things in my life as well as put my sexuality in His trust. He knows what He is doing and He will work things out the way they ought to be because He loves me. I need to enjoy, relax and be thankful for life. I need to take responsibility for myself and stop playing the victim where I have been. Calling a spade a spade is a good start.

"When reactions turn into hurricanes, and the middle ground seems a little tame, whether full or empty it's all the same. It's so easy to see anyone can agree you're not to blame."

*rolls eyes*

Nor Have an Anxious Mind

So let's talk, Camelia.

From the moment I finally got to see you as you are, the moment your guard was let down, and the moment you allowed me to gain way and see outside of you, you have been under pressure.

Pressure from girls and women that are beautiful, smart and frankly better than you are. Pressure from men and their own internal scrutiny toward you in comparison to said women. Pressure from academia to achieve goals, deadlines and accomplishments that ultimately make up your pay rate and standard of living and more so who you are in the world. Pressure from your family indirectly to NOT BE like them since you are ever so prone to following their lazy, disengaged footsteps. Pressure from God to produce and perform according to His will in lieu of being tortured on earth by Him for the rest of your life.

I love you. Now wake up and believe.

Perhaps we can walk this out by first talking about the lies. And these are lies that you have to accept as lies. What does this mean? Well I ask you, what is a lie? According to dictionary.com

1. a false statement made with deliberate intent to deceive; an intentional untruth; a falsehood.
2. something intended or serving to convey a false impression;imposture

Is this not amazing? A lie is not only NOT true, but it's intent is to deceive. It is not an accidental portrayal of misinformation, but a statement deliberately set up to convince you of its reality- when in fact it is not the case at all. Camelia, you are under pressure because of lies. Lies from what you grew up with, lies from your educational institutions (socially and academically), lies from your culture via television and advertisements, lies from those surrounding you that have perpetuated the sludge because they don't realize that they've been deceived also. The pressure is not real. Some of it really is just you, but you've done so remarkably well that you recognize it and make it so that it doesn't affect your functioning. You can be dramatic internally, but you've grown and changed wonderfully from such a path. Which brings me to my next point that the pressure is also a construct of the things that you've suffered in your past. You are eaten away at not knowing what someone else will do or say because you have grown up walking on eggshells expecting strife at every turn. Tension on your end could be stagnating in comparison to the other person involved who often time is hardly considering the things you have managed to explode in your mind.

Your Job in this matter is to keep fighting. Insecurity, fear of failure, and desires to unrealistically satisfy will cause you to worry. It will cause you to stress. The lies will have been successfully implemented as truths that you've taken to heart. You can't allow it. See when the pressure is undo and call it as such. Believe that God is in control and it's absolutely okay to let go so that He can do the work. It's okay to admit that He knows what He's doing. That does not make you a failure, because He is in control. It makes you a daughter of God, one He is shaping to set forth and accomplish things you can hardly imagine. Just because God must help you, and He is the only way you can be healed and be free, does not make you a failure in His eyes. And if you do feel this way, honestly it's a facet of pride- a facet of rebellion in being frustrated that YOU can't live free without God. Truth: This is how we are made. You need God, He doesn't need you... but He wants you. Jesus is the key to living free eternally, and that is just the way it is. Take it or leave it. You can either fall knowing He is with you every step of the way and will help you up if you ask him or you can fall not wanting His help and keeping Him out because of your own pride. You decide.

Of course you choose life. Of course you choose Jesus. Of course you choose God. Why would you go back? So let's talk about some truths. And let me ask you, what is a truth?

1. the true or actual state of a matter
2. conformity with fact or reality; verity
3. an obvious or accepted fact; truism; platitude
4. (Here is an interesing definition) Archaic . fidelity or constancy

Another fun fact about truth is that simply because it's accepted as one of the definitions states, that does not make something a truth. Just because you may accept that you are less beautiful in comparison to other girls, the truth is that you are beautiful and there is absolutely no reason to compare yourself to other women. "God created you and He is a genius." Simply because you see the money is not there does not mean that it is not there. Just because YOU are worried that some guy may find you unattractive does not mean that he finds you unattractive... on top of that he's just some guy! Recognize the lies. The lies feast on fears that you must overcome, the fears are bred by the lies that nestle their way in your mind. Battle them both with the sword of truth... the Word of God.

So chew on that for a little while. You're beautiful, you're great, be humble, be sweet. Stop worrying about the clothes and food that you need. God knows that you need them, so seek God and all these things will be given to you, if you ask. And stop being so anxious because life is not made up of the things you acquire, the grades you get, the attention of a guy, the deadlines you meet, the money you're going to make, the projects you finish, the amount of names you know, nor the tricks you can do. And since life does not consist of these things stop approaching them as if they do amount to life. They are just things, and God can do so much better.

I love you, now wake up and believe.