When There is Absolutely Nothing Left

Midterms have been incredibly intense recently. I'm not really sure how I survived all of them as I have. All of the stress has changed my mind and attitude. I've been really on edge and rather terse recently. Today I was frustrated because I couldn't happily eat my cheeseburger because there was too much KetchupMusturdMayo on it. That's not me... But it has been lately. It's even come to the point where I now have this peculiar animosity toward Kevin and his friends. As if there is some odd level of repulsion I've managed to conjure up within myself toward him. He hasn't done anything. His friends haven't done anything. I just feel this intensely strong desire to have nothing to do with him. It's been about 3 days since I've noticed it and this afternoon before a nap I turned to scripture about it.

I had two fantastic dreams following reading Hebrews 11 (I refer to the Gideon bible reference when you're "feeling" a certain way.) Now when I say Fantastic I don't mean fantastic as in "Holy crap that was awesome!" it's more like Fantastic as in "ooh....."

The first dream was basically disastrous. I dreamed I was on a plane and something was going totally wrong and I had a genuine fear for my life in the dream. But then I saw the earth... all by itself in space... and it exploded. Millions, billions, if not TRILLIONS of pieces of the earth were left floating in the cosmos... The fear I had on the plane tried to rise again, but I heard my own voice say something along the lines of : "Why are you worried about this? No matter what happens to you, YOU are going to live forever with God. Even if the entire world disappears... You will be with God... So in the end there is nothing to fear in death... it doesn't matter."

The next dream I had I was with Kevin in my room. And we were hanging out and at one point we sat very close to each other and held hands.... And it wasn't strange. We even kissed a few times and everything seemed pretty awesome and calm. And then he took out this plastic brochure book thing that had little buttons on it to play songs... The first song he played was pretty. I couldn't hear the words, but the music was sweet. And then he played a song which (this makes me laugh a little) sounded like it was by Usher... and it was so sexually explicit! And I kept searching the brochure for the song and the longer I listened the more obscene the lyrics became....

I woke up and was very humbled by my dreams. I have strange dreams, but none like the one I had first. Which made me think that maybe both dreams were explaining to me where my heart is, and perhaps where it should be.

The first dream really does deal with my fears in life and the trials and hardships I'll face. Even death. But reading Hebrews 11 really made me figure out that doubtfulness is completely absurd to someone who claims to believe in God. Jesus time and time and time again has proven his greatness, proven his amazing power, proven his reign over the people... and to doubt he would keep His promise to me when He's kept his promise to all the other follower in the past is ridiculous! And I need to be particularly careful about what promises mean... Promises from God aren't "boyfriends", "Careers", "Material things". He promises to ME eternal life, He promises to ME peace, and joy and love. And I cannot live my life equating these promises to things that I "want" because I am not in control of that. God knows what I need. He sees what I want, but He will provide me in the end with what I need which will in turn be what I want. And I need to remain aware of that. My second dream was an unveiling of what I want... I want kisses, and hugs, and affection. It doesn't have to be Kevin... he was the last to provide me with such so i automatically associate him with something I want. Thus my repulsion. And it's not his fault. Or anyones for that matter. I pray that I get over it in time so I can remain a loving friend when he needs.

When there is absolutely nothing left in this world... When the earth is in millions, and billions and trillions of beautiful shiny pieces in space. I will be with my God. And I will be with those souls who truly believe in the Kingdom of God. And that's what truly matters.

To be Afraid

I woke up at 6 this morning... more like 6:10. It's pretty awesome. I went for a crappy run which I feel like accomplished nothing really lol. Then I practiced Kali until my ears started hurting from the cold again. I think I'll just run in the mornings without practicing Kali... less to carry.

Not bad eh? two days in a row of writing. I think I just have some things on my heart that I can't really just blurt out to anyone:

I am scared.

I hate meeting anyone that I have the potential to be with. I hate being attracted to men, because I just get so... frightened. Frightened of rejection. Frightened of something new. Frightened of scaring them away. There is all this pressure on my end to be something appealing and who ever it is barely knows who I am. I'll call him Musca. And he doesn't even know I'm there, I'm sure.

Why do I do this to myself? Why do I allow my emotions to flutter away into someone that I don't mean anything to? Thank God that I haven't come in close contact with him.... as if I don't feel desperate enough after all, contrary to what I had hoped to be the case. I'm not desperate though. I'm longing... I'm scared... and I'm worried about NOTHING. I hate that. What is worrying me so much about liking anyone? Newly so Musca...

1) He's very attractive. Always leads to bad things for me.
2) He's not a Christian. I've obviously seen those results blow up in my face.
3) He has a great smile. This can go with the attractive and that hurts a little.
4) He's from far away. With my luck he might stay there (far away that is)

Sometimes I wonder if it's my own fault for being that talkative person. If it's my own fault for saying hi and thinking nothing of it at the time. And then in hindsight after he said goodbye the emotional dump of realizing that he stalled before he left... that he gave me his name before disappearing. It's unnecessarily weighty in my own mind.

I have a week. I'm going to be brave.

I'm going to not lean on what he thinks of me. I took some time last night for the first time in a few days to read scripture. The books of Corinthians are my favorite... I was Corinth at one point in my life... for a very long time. I placed others on a pedestal, I worshiped them unknowingly and then when I discovered I had been, I claimed to still not know that I was doing it. My heart was far away from God and I was almost certainly intent on keeping it that way. Starting to read through it has eased my heart. I feel renewed about some of these feelings... I hope Musca likes me. I hope that he thinks I'm a cool enough person to hang out with. And if nothing happens it's not that big of a deal. I'm praying for clarity. I'm praying for truth. I'm asking God to take my worries and fears and cast them away. If I stop worrying God will keep his promise of peace and joy to me. If I give him my problems and listen to the Spirit I should be able to shine brilliantly at the end of whatever is to happen. I will lean on God and he won't let me fall.... I just have to remember to lean on Him... and not myself. It's so easy to do... But there needs to be more of Him and less of me.

If you've read this thank you. I really needed to get this out somehow... off to class.

"This is your life. Is this who you want to be?"

Levels of Anything

This past weekend was filled with all kinds of things. Sobriety being in the top two.

I didn't mention it, but Kevin and I ended things. How about that? 3 weeks. My absolute shortest relationship and we still talk to each other. I'm glad things ended will, but I will admit that I was pissed. Not at Kevin, but just the whole situation. God really does say no and the HARDEST thing has been trying to believe that he has something much better lined up for me if I just wait.

Among things I've been learning about myself is that waiting is very difficult when you don't know what to do. I've learned earlier in my life that when I try to put my hands on anything, what I'm holding on to usually rots right in front of me. The approach to take life and situations with an open hand and trust God is something I still haven't drawn myself to yet. And I'd be a fool to think for a second that I could do it alone.

I'm becoming more frustrated with myself than ever. I've come in contact with a few guys these past few days. All attractive, but all I know that either : A) I have no chance with; 2) They have no chance with me; *) If there is a chance it'll end tragically. But I set myself up. And I'm totally expecting to feel the ground to hit me any minute now. I want to be with someone. I'm not desperate, I'm just impatient as heck. And I'm taking it out on myself by acquiring eye candy. I just want to relax. I'm reminding myself that there is nothing wrong with being attracted to someone(s) haha... it's just a matter of me getting into it emotionally. God really wants what is best for me, I just don't know.... I don't know what to do until I run into that person that turns out to be awesome. Awesome is indeed a loaded term,... but loaded with what? Honestly I feel like I've got nothing. No signs (except for avoiding assholes), no warnings or signals.... except one... Singing. I know that isn't enough. I just don't know what else is.

God just show me... Tell me.... Even a hint....

"Don't waste a drop, baby I ain't thirst."

Choices That Are Not My Own

Awesome... so I'm pretty sure I'm blowing this relationship out of the water because I can't help, but to fret about the fact that dating a non-Christian poses problems as it does.

So Father in Heaven did you really place him in my life to mess with me after all? It all feels like a joke now. I'm just really glad I've held decent composure with him... I'm glad there was no deep seated sinful nature involved.

It's probably the worst conversation I've had with someone. And in the end him mentioning that the bible is "dated" made me get out of his car at 3AM and walk home in the cold. My last words to him were "I'm going home." My text message of choice was "Romans 2:11.... I love you, but you will not make me choose."

Ugh. And all this after our first real date too.

Alright. So this is where I stand.

I am a vessel for God. The being that has rescued my soul and loves me more than anything. I have a choice to follow Him and I choose to. He is my number one in life. He has my best interest at heart, but in turn I will be ready and willing to give my life to him and have him use me as needed for His purpose. If God tells me to move, then I'm going to move. I pray He gives me the wisdom between him telling me to do something and me actually just wanting to so much that I use him as an excuse.

"You can't roll a hundred pound truth on a ten pound bridge."

Aaron told me that a while ago in reference to Kevin. And that's what I did. And I feel completely ridiculous for it too. I'm not shaken by these truths that I'm living by now. I've had my jitters and frightening God fearing moments months ago. I know what I want... and I know where I want to be. God is the result of this equation.

I'm going to give it a week... because I just don't know what else to tell him. I'm not going to sugar coat where my life is with God. Kevin isn't going to convince me to ignore God at any point in time because it makes him uncomfortable. Good grief... I used to be that way.

I just don't know what to say to him now...

With a Panic....

Goofy songs get stuck in my head.

Sooo. I'm seeing someone. Yep. There is someone in my life right now that I like a lot that's made me shut up about being single and unworthy of dating (although the latter thought was short lived,) Oh and guess what! He's not a douche bag!!! I WIN!!!... okay I'm done. He's great, he likes movies, he's super tall (I tell everyone this because it's probably one of my favorite things about him) and he writes the most thoughtful cute.....MUSHY awesome letters ever. (That's right, letter writing was involved! :D ) His name is Kevin.

For the first time in the last few years I have found someone I'm interested in that I'm not simply settling for. I'm not acting desprately, I'm relaxed, calm and "not clingy??" I don't know, but it's definitely a nice change in pace. He's not a Christian, but he's not a God hating atheist either. I don't intend on molding him or shaping anything he believes, but of course I think everyone needs Jesus lol I'll be surprised as to what God does with his life. I'm really excited about my chance to excercise my values in a relationship of sorts. So far so good.

My mother and I aren't talking. The end of the last visit made me realize that she swims deep in drama that she creates herself. She was pretty rude to me on the last day I was in West Palm even though she claimed to want to see me. I really have had enough of her attitude and her unwarranted jealousy and her hypocritical actions in her Christian life. All I can do is forgive her (which I'm not sure if I have yet) and pray for her. LJF struck some pretty annoying chords in my last few days in West Palm as well. Between them both I feel as if I am an inconvenience. Asking LJ for a ride to see my mother was like pulling teeth. Getting my mom to be patient when LJ and I were at an event was like listening to a 2 year old scream about not being able to have a cookie (and then when she gets it she bitches about it and doesn't even eat the damned thing). It was really frustrating and made me just not want to depend on either one of them. And now I'm coming to terms with the fact that I can't. The two most important women in my life are so wrapped up in their lives and what they want and what works for them that I can't even get a real hug. "I love you" is an obligatory statement. Arguments or disagreements are met with either a fake smile in the end with advice to ignore the problem or simple silence with no resolve...

I hate going "home."

But I come back to Tallahasee and Lani meets me. I get a big hug and am met with good news that he waits to tell me until he starts making tea for us both. Apparently I have a car... and I'm picking it up today after a week or so of waiting. If that isn't something to make you realize where home is I don't know what is. From that point on day after day has been met with fun, wonder and opportunity... I even met Kevin on the first day of classes. This is home. And I'm learning to not get stuck on situations that feed the drama queen in me (it pisses me off to write that, but apparently it's there) I'm learning to be okay with cutting ties with mom. It's scary, but it's not the end of the world. I'll be okay.

But now I shall do laundry and eventually go get my car and then see Kevin and maybe even Kayla. I love my life and thank God everyday for it.

I won't step in line I'll release the glitch, but I can't fall asleep with a panic switch.

Resolutions and Chevelle

I should have known better than to think that being in West Palm for an extended time could result in me actually being satisfied and happy. Good thing I don't depend on that.

It was a good run actually until the day I was to finally meet with my mom (surprise surprise) I'll spare the boring details and just say that I have officially decided that my ultimate vulnerability is my family. And I don't have a clue as to how to deal with it, heal from it, or even approach it. Being around my family makes me feel like I'm on another planet (surprise surprise). And being around my mentor kinda reinforced the way I feel, and has proven that it seems as if only I have changed.... well everything about me except for my reactions to my family.

This year I would like to start addressing that aspect of my life. I know Lani would say to love them over there, but I don't know how or what to think while they are over there between now and the next time I return. Good healthy distance I suppose is necessary, but as I'm working on my walk with God and looking to Jesus as my example, the stages in between are like gauntlets in terms of dealing with my family problems. It's strange, but it has truly gone beyond the abuse. It has gone beyond the stolen money. It's gone beyond the fights, the drama, the tears, the hatred, the false closure... It seems to be more or less me simply putting up with mum... seeing my grandmother fluctuate drastically in her weight, listening to my uncle talking about the women he's raced through, never truly knowing what's going on within my family... never getting straight answers to simple questions.

If I am really sane... does this prove to be a form of insanity?

I'm considering one-on-one counseling again. Just to get my focus back, because whatever I'm doing spritually (I'm pretty sure I'm on the right track) is being blocked by something I'm not seeing or hearing... perhaps some angle I'm not figuring out... maybe something emotional I haven't caught wind of.

I've had a really ridiculous conversation with this guy that I swear I should have dated. Fate seemed to place every obstacle in the way of it, even now. I thought to myself, if situations were different and I wasn't a Christian (surprise surprise) and he asked me out, I'd say yes in a heart beat. It was really nerve wrecking. We talked until 4 in the morning my first night in West Palm and already casting away in my mind everything I had built myself up to be with the help of Christ I felt myself wanting to stay in this hell hole... with everyone else who seems to be stuck in it. It's amazing how any link to "happiness"... found in the world specifically, seems to be enough to make people stick in one place and never do anything, but wait for money to get better, or the home to get better before they can start reaching out to other people. I don't want to get stuck. I don't want this to be it. I just have to remember who my alliegence is to and what that means and above all where I'm going. It sure as hell is not what my family has accrued here in West Palm Beach.

This year I'm looking for more engagement with others, real sweet friendships, and honest to God help with what I feel with my family.

"Does anybody really see anything?
Does anybody really see anyone?"

Once upon a December: Dignity

Okay So I failed miserably at the "Every Thursday" thing. But it's okay. It's not the end of the world. I'll admit that it feels good to write again.

So one would what have I gone through since my last entry. With my mother being away and all. Honestly I've been bumbling about with exams and whatever, as well as enjoying my current break. And I've learned some amazing things. The best and most recent I'll save for last.

I have learned:

1. That it is perfectly okay that I'm not going after my big dreams of becoming an International Trade Specialist or whatever it was I was hell bent on. Seriously I've just given up on it. The idea was more pressure on itself than it was worth and now I'm comfortable. I'm looking forward to enjoying life and learning by loving people. No matter how I intend to get paid, I want to love people. I want to be a Jesus girl
2. *I noticed I didn't explain this in previous posts* I have forgiven Marshall. Truly and deeply. And I realized that I had simply become bittered with my mistake and how it unfolded. I searched through scripture to something closest to what I was feeling. I found in my little Gideon's bible a passage under the topic of bitterness. and there I found First Corinthians 13- the infamous lines [paraphrased] When I was a child, I spoke as I child, acted as a child, i understood as a child. Now I am an adult and I can put away childish things. It was liberating to understand that in choosing to walk with Jesus I made the effort to walk away from those things in my former life... thigns that were childish including my relationship with Marshall. I can set it aside, remember I am forgiven and move on... finally...
3. I've taken notes on a few things in my life regarding people. Generally unless real change is sought out- What you see is what you get. I've always picked up on this, but the more I began to interact with Marshall and our mutual group of friends and other friends of mine that I'm not exceedingly close to, it hits me sometimes slowly, other times like a ton of bricks. But really it is very difficult for one to expect people to be a certain way if they consistently display being the opposite. It is truly up to me to simply accept that they won't change.

And the final thing that I have learned and began to take note of that I feel necessary to explain (so that one day I will read it and remember how beautiful it is): Dignity.

Something I've discovered that I have very little of.

It caught me off guard really. I was reading What Wives wish their Husbands knew about Women (the cover is different from the copy I've been reading) But there was a section on Loneliness, Isolation, Boredom and Lack of romantic life in Marriage, and it described me in every situation with a guy I had been in to a T. The next morning I looked up the word Dignity and followed by looking up Respect. And both words I knew a lot about, but had no clue as to how to approach them in situations with men. Academically and in a work setting, even a normal social setting, I handle myself with confidence and grace on most if not all occasions... but with men I'm an absolute wreck. I have no dignity around men of particular interest, specifically in relationships. I cried about it and made it my New Year's resolution to learn what dignity looks like and display and express it at all times. Walking over to my friends' place to cat-sit for a little while I kept asking myself questions:

"Someone/thing with dignity possesses worth, and honor. Does this mean I have worth or honor or value?"

"What exactly Am I worth?"

And an amazing answer came to me. I had to say it slowly and repeat it to realize it:

"I am worth the life of the Only Son of the King of the Universe."

If I weren't walking on a road side I would have fallen to my knees in tears. I wouldn't even know where to begin to LOOK like that. But that's what I'm worth. Now being told that I was "bought with a price" has a new meaning. I'm finally beginning to understand what it all means. And maybe from here on I'll figure out how to walk and act like I possess this worth... this value... this Dignity... no matter what situation I'm in.

I'm going to West Palm this week. It might be a good place to begin to practice.

"If you ever enter in my mind, stay there you'll live. To fend them off, to fool them all, stay there."