With Every Start

So I'm reading this book called "The Joy of Being a Woman" by Ingrid Trobisch and I've been learning a lot about myself. The book is a bit dated, but I've read passages and proceeded to shout 'That's what that is?!" or "That's why I do that!" It's been really good for me. It makes my female-ness less of a mystery and helps me feel like I can be normal as a woman.

The best part is paying close attention to my behavior and thoughts when I'm going through a hard time and realizing "I'm premenstrual!" In previous posts I've mentioned how much I hate attributing my feeling bad to me being hormonal. It's taken some time but I've realized that if I turn down my drama-o-meter consistently and look at my calendar it's usually the case... and it's okay that it's the case.

I've given myself a really hard time whenever I trip up mentally or spiritually, but most of the time I just need to give myself a break, because I'm not being nearly as awful as I've made myself out to be. Whenever I'm hormonal I find myself truly believing that my faith is ripping to shreds and that I'm failing God with every step I take. Then in two or three days something amazing happens and I have spiritual break through with someone and I get to share Truth and the Word. It's a consistent pattern that I seem to forget about a lot.

So for the women out there who go through this strange spiritual depression where they feel as if they are going to screw up and fall away from God in a day or in the next hour- seriously consider your hormonal calendar. Men may call us unpredictable, but we can usually and correctly contribute mental mood shifts to our bodies doing what they do best (baby making prep!)

I've been trying to douse myself in the word of God whenever I start feeling this way. My fear of falling away makes me work twice as hard, which I think is kind of funny.

If you love the Lord with all your heart, you'll be hard pressed to stray.

I found myself admitting to Him this morning rather painfully that if I were tempted sexually and I had to choose between Him and the temptation I would not choose Him.

A few things I came to understand in that conversation with Him:
1) I am a sinner. There is a reason why the prophets and disciples and Jesus Himself tell us to stay in the light- don't get caught up with those who do not believe and love the King. No matter how righteous we think we are, given the circumstances we can be made weak and falter.

2) If you are in a deep relationship with God and He knows you, He WILL NOT let you fall. You had better believe if you fear the Lord He'll snatch you up and convict you. It's your choice whether you give an ear and heed your conscience. The Holy Spirit is your guide and God will be very clear in His will. God is God - if you are slipping up, He has the power and sovereignty to get you out whether you like it or not. Be faithful, He's forever faithful.

3) Healing is something that happens in time. Never will I condone sin or make excuses for it. The Lord does, however, know your heart and knows it that much more if you are communicating with Him. He knows where you're struggling, He knows where you are hurting and where you fall over and over. He hears you and wants to help you. He will pick you up and give you the strength to try again to be right in your repentance whether you only need to repent once or repent 1000 times. He sees your effort and where you are and if you are sincere honesty and loving Him, He will provide grace. Don't worry. There is no condemnation in the Holy Spirit. Only conviction. If you have a pit fall be strong, for He is with you always in everything.


Sometimes when I write I get healed and comforted. This has been one of those posts where I write about the truth even though right before writing it out I actually don't believe it. It's nice to know that God is speaking to me through so many things... including myself.

"Stars! Hide your fires! These here are my desires and I won't give them up to you this time around. So! I'll be found with this stake stuck in this ground- marking the territory of this newly impassioned soul!"

Chime Alarm

Whenever I think about writing this entry I have the perfect opening and the right things to say. Then my day continues and I completely lose it all and decide not to write at all. I've decided to just go through with it anyway.

I've been convicted on many things since my last post. My being judgmental, harsh and critical, my deep seed to want to manipulate guys to get their attention even for a short while (just about the base reason for all my guy problems I've ever mentioned), my thought life and how that translates to how I respond to things, my lack of prayer and submission to God for all things in my life, my self-deception, my pride...

The last two weeks have been work to say the least. A lot of this confrontation started with this old journal I found that I've had since middle school. A little purple book with a flower on it with pages I had written when I was as young as 16, maybe? Lot's of scary thoughts I had when I was younger, song tabs I wrote and dated memories. I ripped all the pages out half intending to throw them away and half intending to sort through and keep some things... But I decided to use the newly blank journal as a prayer journal. Writing down names of people and stuff to pray for them specifically. I started it in my car one morning when I showed up really early and after writing it down I sat there and prayed out loud everything I had written. Some of the prayers turned into more beautiful topics for God to hear. It was liberating and the more I began to pray for me, the more I came to realize the majority of the things I listed earlier about myself. In all this prayer and all this realization I've also come to terms with what it means to be imperfect, what it means to need to the grace of God and what it means to be okay with not being or reaching perfection as long as I have this body and walk on this earth. This brought to the forefront why prayer is so important and why God needs to know my heart and I need to use my words and tell Him what He already knows, but will not touch unless I say them myself. In my weakness He is made strong and therefore His strength makes me stronger. This backward frame of logic finally started to sink in and I repent for my lack of prayer everyday... I repent with prayer for anyone and everyone and by asking what God's will is for me and what I can do to love with His love.

So since my last entry I've been through a lot. It's safe for me to say that my tension involving my erm... members has been kept under control and has been submitted entirely to God's hands. In fact a recent occurrence has lead me to believe that my husband is coming. Basically, God has told me "he's coming." I've decided to not let the thought go any further (even if for brief instances it already has). It's God's thing and all I can do is pray and wait until its fruition. It's pretty interesting timing, I'd like to mention because this was right after I'd begun to prayerfully unearth all my issues I had been holding back. In time also in the midst of my praying about my guy manipulation all of my emotions and feelings regarding certain guys have faded. I sat and had lunch with one guy who told me he didn't see us going any further because our faith was so different. Well, duh- but I was glad he was able to say what I knew months ago, but toyed around with. And a really good friend who I've had feelings for for quite a while came into town and my love for him as a person and for his soul trumped anything else I'd ever had for him. I had for him the kind of love that was perfected in my knowing and loving Jesus. I've been praying for him ever since then. It has been freeing to be content with being single, being okay with severing those emotional ties to men and simply relaxing in God's rest. So of course my husband is coming. Right as I've grown into being comfortable single. However the fun part is that I have no idea when. It could be years from now. It could be tomorrow. I get to sit here and be single and love God until he shows up. Then I'll love God and have the man God prepared me to be with. I'll take it.

"All these things about me,
You never can tell"

Let's Start Over

The semester is starting on amazing note I'd say. My days are long, my classes are cool, and I'm pretty much drama free. The gym is my new morning pastime and I've made an extra special investment mentally with my ballet class. I told a few people that I didn't really have any new years resolutions, but I think I had goals which I guess could count.

Seeing my mother was work. I managed to go the whole trip without any arguments or major blow ups... Most of that was due to my holding my tongue on my numerous amount of criticisms on the way she lives. I still despise where she lives and it really does bother me how she lives, but I said nothing. And at points where she was doing something that could be labeled as crazy I threw up my hands and just thought internally "Eff it! If you want to be crazy be crazy!" <-- That was hard because normally I try to make sense of it or rationalize it and I'd just get frustrated. No more. Crazy is as crazy does and I've become okay with not giving it any merit. All this to say that I have truly come up with goals or resolutions or what have you that are aimed toward not being like my mother. I always said that I wanted to be nothing like my mother, but I never thought out a framework as to how to make that happen. So here it is.

1. Body. In taking ballet I've kind have entered in a form of bodily discipline especially with working out and eating properly (I mean who doesn't want to look good in a leotard?) I'm going to the gym as often as possible, two days a week at the very least. My mom has a hard taking care of herself and I simply would like to not have a hard time doing so.
2. Mind. Aim well in my classes. I love my history course this semester and my planning courses are good areas for discussion and challenging thoughts. If I had time I'd read a book a month on some random subject. It would take discipline but I would like to keep my mind active in that way. My mom is trying in her aiming for her certification. It's encouraging to see.
3. Music. Being extra careful in what I ingest musically is rather important. Considering the message of the music is a big deal. Sometimes I wonder if my mother believes some of the lyrics to the songs she listens to, but it's not my place to question it especially considering some of the junk I've listened to in my life time so far.
4. Relationally. I NEED to keep people around me, preferably people that love me and are honest. I need people to point out things that are weird that I do. I need people to love on and to love me. Isolation is really not an option. I think isolation and bad relationships has backed my mom into a corner mentally. She seems so disconnected and thinking on it it's not surprising given the men who have hurt her and the pathetic situations she's ended up in (that I have to remember are NOT my fault NOR my responsibility. Even if I feel like they are sometimes)
5. Cutting Ties. I save so much time and energy when I let go of people that are wasting them. I've watched mom waste away so much effort on people, not just men, who just have nothing to offer in their friendships with her. Even the people closest to her she seems to keep around or has an excuse to be involved with them for some strange reason. I think I'm over that now. I'm going to start acting like I'm over it. [This actually ties into my issue of taking on people that God hasn't really meant for me to be involved with. I'm feeling the effects of it.]

I never thought if that much before because I used to think that I was so tough... but all of these things are hard, but necessary for me to overcome- and obviously I have not overcome them entirely. I like this me. I constantly try to remember to sit up straight and walk tall. I work out. I laugh and I sleep like a baby. I feel free. Even with the work ahead of me I feel free. Thank you, God in heaven.

Alive and Kicking

Non point was an excellent way to top off the Spring Semester. I'll admit I'm pretty jealous that the graduating seniors got a speech from the lead singer. It was pretty fantastic.

Last night I got a full idea of the kind of power I have within a group of people. People always told me that my personality is rather striking. (this is me paraphrasing of course) I can light up a room without trying or bring down the mood if I'm not careful and paying attention. I went to this concert alone and met a group of people that were very chill... and more than likely very spiritually lost. It didn't matter I just hung out with them and smiled and was positive. I kept being nice and friendly to the surrounding people around me and it turned out to be a good time. I got two numbers from two guys. Apparently I leave an impression on people. The most amazing thing I felt while in this concert setting was this overwhelming respect I received from the guys that were taking notice in me. They at the most ONLY dreamed of placing their arm around me or getting fresh with me in any regard. I felt like my attitude and confidence set the tone for how they were going to treat me even the way I dressed which was normal and not sexualized. It was a rather beautiful display for me. If God was trying to show me the new me in such a setting He made me blush with a good modesty.

So I rocked out, had fun, met some very sweet people and I finally get to settle down and just focus on packing for Russia and unpacking in my new permanent home. Russia will be good for me. Living with the Peck's will be good for me. I'm learning to kinda just give everything to God. Including love interests, homework problems, frustrations with people... all of it. I'm learning all to quickly that if I don't let it go now it'll just fester and bite me back in the end. I was told that my mood is very powerful too... and I'm responsible for it since it does affect other people as drastically as it does. Maybe that's what I was putting to work by not creeping off to myself and being the strange lone dog at the show....

Let's see how I do in Russia when I leave this Wednesday...

"What's wrong with me? You wanna know what's wrong with me... I could ask you the EXACT same thing."

To Russia... 2

Holy cow! I really really wish that I had about 3 more weeks added on to this semester! But I'll be okay as long as I stay disciplined. So far so good.

I've been staying at Lani and Renee's quite a bit since it seems to be the only place where I can sleep. Being in my dorm is simply no longer enticing. It's not as quiet as I once thought it was it would seem. I've been waking up earlier and the commute to school is proving to not be as much of a hassle as I thought. I like being awake in the mornings. I feel useful.

My hair. There is a subject I don't talk a lot about given the name of this thing. My hair is awesome. It's so long now and I seem to refuse to give it the credit it deserves. I can put my hair in a pony tail and not have to bobby pin the whole thing. I can wear my hair out for days and watch as it gets bigger and bigger. People play with my hair at any given moment which I know for some is blasphemy, but for me it's a complete complement. No one really wanted to touch it before. It's pretty awesome to watch how I've been finding ways to limit my time in the shower. I'm getting really good at this. I used to take about a 20 to 40 minutes in the shower with detangling and what not, and that was a step down from two showers because of DTing! But now it's about 15 minutes not even to shower and wash my hair and I all of my detangling out of the shower. Saving time, money and water. Although recently I've been having issues with dry scalp which is never good. My scalp started to develop some scabs I think or at least high levels of irritation. I couldn't tell. I think washing and messaging with water has been the most help with that. Huh... feels good to be writing about this again. But now I'll have to admit I was absolutely obsessed in the beginning.

I've been good about not adding boys to my list of attractions recently. I'm proud of myself. Lots of cute guys too. I'm becoming impressed with myself. This sexual healing bible study I've been doing has really helped me to relax. I've come to (one of many) conclusion(s) that my trust in God will reflect how I will react to dealing with the opposite gender. I'm finally beginning to trust Him and His work through me is showing. I think I'm awesome now. I think I'm attractive, I think I look great (I've been working out lately it's part of my discipline.), all these things I once needed a guy for I no longer have pressure about. It's a beautiful thing not wanting to be with someone as if it's something necessary. Maybe that will help me with my fear of settling.

I leave for Russia in a matter of weeks. How frightening! I'm excited since I know there are a few Christians coming along with me on the trip. That helps me feel safer and less alone spiritually at least. I want to take pictures, I want to see the sites, I want to learn the language! Everything my heart has been set on is finally coming into play... I need to write down what I pray for. Sometimes I forget and I don't realize that it's something that I had wanted for long time. I'm getting this. I'm going. God has allowed it. I hope He has blessed it. I'm excited.

Getting Out

I hope to look back on this blog years later and want to delete a lot of the stuff that I wrote especially thinking back now just how incredibly stupid I've been. Things that I worried about, things that I've stressed about. I hope to look back and "burn" all the pages written by the troubled girl I once was.

Not that i think I'm any better now. Even now as I type this I'm stuck in my own head. I have troubles and inner feelings of discomfort and aggravation that are mainly present because of one very consistent problem that I have... The inability to let it go. I used to be infuriated with the very idea. But back then my mother was telling me to let go of six years of abuse by my uncle without apology or care. The unrighteousnesses of it all was enough to drive anyone without God to hatred and wrath. But now.... *sigh* now it's over stupid acquaintance/boy stuff. I deleted some people from my facebook. Kevin and Musca being among them. I had really hoped Kevin would have been willing to be a good friend to me, but instead he just chose to ignore me... even after telling me he wasn't going to disappear... even after saying that he loved me like a sister. It's heart breaking actually. Since even for a little time I thought he'd be a friend at the very basic sense of the word... maybe me being saddened by the whole thing isn't stupid boy stuff. It's a wake up call that just makes me want to cry. Well... glad that's over and done.

Musca is incredibly obvious. Apparently even when your 25 you still determine to ignore girls that you ultimately know you're not going to end up sleeping with. Surprise surprise. I just want to be friends with people that love Jesus already! Is that so hard to come across? Why yes, actually. The world sits in the lap of the evil one. Those who follow God are sore thumbs which the world openly intends to suppress. I'm not sure if this is how Traci feels, but I have a strong desire to leave Florida... but not without Church family.

Sometimes I wonder if my desire to travel and go abroad was something set on my heart by God or something that I'm using to avoid pains (not so much responsibility) I don't regret coming to FSU, but romantically I'm so tainted here. It shows within me when I walk outside and I feel so immensely unattractive. I'm so thankful that I'm finally officially not wanting a relationship, but it's because I'm sick of the obsessions I put myself through. Yet all of this wouldn't really change if went somewhere else... it would be like a clean slate of new people for me to screw everything up again either way.

I need to get out of my own head.

I need to let God speak instead of giving so much room to the gray voice... the voice that I'm realizing spouts bad things about me I wouldn't normally think. The one that thinks I'm stupid, the one that thinks I'm not pretty, the one that thinks I'm fat the one that thinks that I can't do anything right, the one that makes me question my worth as a woman, the one that makes me think of how worthless I am because of my skin color. The same voice that makes me think God is out to get me and punish me for nothing. Lies. Every last one of those is a lie. I'm going to trust God. I'm going to trust him through the promise through Jesus that He gave to me and everyone else.

On the grand scheme, Death will be over come, Life will be given and the Lord I've come to know and love will reign supreme.

How can I be defeated by the world when I have that kind of promise?

"My God He was, my God He is, my God He's always gonna be."

Learning to live with the Grey

I cried sooo hard last night. It was painful. People say it's always a bad idea to drive while under emotional stress. I did alright for the most part. Musca really told me how it was....

There are lots of things people must heal and go through in life. My question to the God I'm understanding and loving is WHY did it have to be sexual issues? WHY did it have to be issues with men in relationships? WHY do I have to have a fight or flight response when it comes to guys I'm interested in? WHY do I get insecure? WHY can't I just relax? People ask me that as if I can actually achieve anything positive on my own.

Of all things to have a fucking problem with WHY did it have to be this?

Musca told me and I quote:

"I used to be like you.

I wanted black and white

couldn't handle grey.

Lost the best woman I've ever met because of that.

Live in the grey for a bit. It's not that bad. Unless you have nothing else going on.

I'm gonna go to sleep now.

goodnight."

Apparently that's where my desire to relax and let things be disintegrates. There is a level of grey are I can't deal with apparently. I have to know how things are and how they must be and I can't relax. Either a guy is interested in me or he isn't. Either I can talk to him just about whenever or I can't. Either they better tell me the truth or not speak to me... the last one has bit me in the ass because when they choose not to speak I flip shit because lack of closure is where I snap back into "mother/daughter" phase. The phase where I blame myself for everything and allow for any and every bit of manipulation to take place. Where I trap or get trapped in the very thing I'm longing to get away from because I don't know how to get out...

I kept running it through my head. About how much I'm a screw up in situations with guys. How much I push and push the limit with talking to them like I'm purposely sabotaging the whole situation. Kay says that it's really the one area I'm weakest in. She says that it's insecurity basically because I've been hurt so much by men in my life whether they've been present or not. She told me that I've gone through so much and have grown and have been strong through so much and that I'll come through this too. I want to believe that.

I wish I could just stop wanting to be with someone. And stop meeting people that I'm attracted to. It sucks because I try so hard not to get hopeful, that I get hopeful and end up feeling like a dolt by the end. I don't want to think about it. I'm sick of crying before, in or out of a relationship. I'm sick of crying when I'm not even staring down to a relationship. It's fucking aggravating. It makes me hate myself. All of my experiences from my abuse to my last relationship have just rendered me so tired- tired of myself and tired of wanting something that I can't seem approach properly.

I want to live with the grey in peace.

OR... I can listen to the woman in my life that told me that when a guy who loves God is interested in you it will be clear and he won't ask you to "go with the flow." Another aspect to this is to realize that what he told me was blatant manipulation. He's asking me to just sit there and wait until something happens and in the end it's rude and kind of disrespectful. The woman I talked to said to me that a man who expects you to sit in a grey area knows that you may have baggage and stuff you're going through and isn't willing to deal with it and love you as you need to be. She said that a man that is interested in me will see that I need things in black and white and will be very clear and willing to walk with me through my learning and healing stuff. I fell into my "mother/daughter phase" without even trying. Manipulation is the name of the game apparently. There is a truth about love and relationships that I don't know... I'm half determined to find it, but not through trial and error. I might be able to just shut the case for Musca down now.... thank you CK.

Kay also told me something very strange that I hadn't been able to sort out. She says that I seem to have a hard time loving myself. I can love other people, but the reason relationship stuff is difficult for me is because I'm not very good at loving myself. I cried even more at the thought!

Have I really spent so much time loving other people I've left myself out of the equation? Am I equating myself loving other people as loving myself? I feel like I'm doing something ridiculously wrong by even considering what "loving myself" is. I haven't talked to anyone about it, but I probably should. How do I love myself without turning away from God? I understand what having dignity and self respect are. I know what I'm worth. I have an idea on how to act like it.... but to love myself.... I missed that memo I guess. I could start with being nice to myself I suppose. Cutting myself some slack on things that I end up doing in his pathetic relationship cycle I place myself in.

I want my appetite back now...

Once upon a December: Dignity

Okay So I failed miserably at the "Every Thursday" thing. But it's okay. It's not the end of the world. I'll admit that it feels good to write again.

So one would what have I gone through since my last entry. With my mother being away and all. Honestly I've been bumbling about with exams and whatever, as well as enjoying my current break. And I've learned some amazing things. The best and most recent I'll save for last.

I have learned:

1. That it is perfectly okay that I'm not going after my big dreams of becoming an International Trade Specialist or whatever it was I was hell bent on. Seriously I've just given up on it. The idea was more pressure on itself than it was worth and now I'm comfortable. I'm looking forward to enjoying life and learning by loving people. No matter how I intend to get paid, I want to love people. I want to be a Jesus girl
2. *I noticed I didn't explain this in previous posts* I have forgiven Marshall. Truly and deeply. And I realized that I had simply become bittered with my mistake and how it unfolded. I searched through scripture to something closest to what I was feeling. I found in my little Gideon's bible a passage under the topic of bitterness. and there I found First Corinthians 13- the infamous lines [paraphrased] When I was a child, I spoke as I child, acted as a child, i understood as a child. Now I am an adult and I can put away childish things. It was liberating to understand that in choosing to walk with Jesus I made the effort to walk away from those things in my former life... thigns that were childish including my relationship with Marshall. I can set it aside, remember I am forgiven and move on... finally...
3. I've taken notes on a few things in my life regarding people. Generally unless real change is sought out- What you see is what you get. I've always picked up on this, but the more I began to interact with Marshall and our mutual group of friends and other friends of mine that I'm not exceedingly close to, it hits me sometimes slowly, other times like a ton of bricks. But really it is very difficult for one to expect people to be a certain way if they consistently display being the opposite. It is truly up to me to simply accept that they won't change.

And the final thing that I have learned and began to take note of that I feel necessary to explain (so that one day I will read it and remember how beautiful it is): Dignity.

Something I've discovered that I have very little of.

It caught me off guard really. I was reading What Wives wish their Husbands knew about Women (the cover is different from the copy I've been reading) But there was a section on Loneliness, Isolation, Boredom and Lack of romantic life in Marriage, and it described me in every situation with a guy I had been in to a T. The next morning I looked up the word Dignity and followed by looking up Respect. And both words I knew a lot about, but had no clue as to how to approach them in situations with men. Academically and in a work setting, even a normal social setting, I handle myself with confidence and grace on most if not all occasions... but with men I'm an absolute wreck. I have no dignity around men of particular interest, specifically in relationships. I cried about it and made it my New Year's resolution to learn what dignity looks like and display and express it at all times. Walking over to my friends' place to cat-sit for a little while I kept asking myself questions:

"Someone/thing with dignity possesses worth, and honor. Does this mean I have worth or honor or value?"

"What exactly Am I worth?"

And an amazing answer came to me. I had to say it slowly and repeat it to realize it:

"I am worth the life of the Only Son of the King of the Universe."

If I weren't walking on a road side I would have fallen to my knees in tears. I wouldn't even know where to begin to LOOK like that. But that's what I'm worth. Now being told that I was "bought with a price" has a new meaning. I'm finally beginning to understand what it all means. And maybe from here on I'll figure out how to walk and act like I possess this worth... this value... this Dignity... no matter what situation I'm in.

I'm going to West Palm this week. It might be a good place to begin to practice.

"If you ever enter in my mind, stay there you'll live. To fend them off, to fool them all, stay there."

My Face

I love everything about me except that...

I resolved this issue already, but it doesn't take much rejection to get those self-loathing feelings to resurface. EFM has a new girlfriend. Yay. I really am truly happy for him. Is it bad that I wished he would have said something about this when I asked him about us going out? I feel like this was an ongoing development that he just failed to mention. But the ultimate bottom line is... what do I care?

Because I feel looked over. I feel unpretty. I feel very much so not worth it. I was always good enough to screw but never good enough to date (in college that is.) So what do I do? I resort to disliking deeply a part of myself that I have no control over and won't change... my face. I even managed to get over Marshall and truly whole heartedly forgive him... but the comparison issue still remains. She (no matter who it's been) has always been the opposite of me. And it hurts. This is something that's come up before and I just want to be done with it and put it away. I guess seeing all of my friends including EFM in a relationship is a little daunting. But I cope with that by being supportive of them and loving them. I just want to take it in stride. I want to not have a heavy heart about this.... And I really want to keep what I discovered on Tuesday in mind:

"1) Who am I to take the blame over something in which GOD has created as if I have any right to my face or body or anything as a woman of God?"

This helps me get over my face issue a little bit. It's really funny... I went from my skin color and hair to my face in a matter of months....I think this has something that been hidden deep within me for a long time... *sigh* No point in worrying about it though right? It's not like I'm going to change anything about it. I just want someone I like to like me back...

Highs and Lows

I'm getting closer to having another day that is simply another day.

Ups and downs are becoming frequent. One minute I'm a star and the next I feel like I'm emotionally where I started 4 months ago. I'm just taking in my triumphs and blessings and living in them every chance I feel I should. No more of this "my accomplishments aren't that big of a deal" crap. I've had lots of blessings lately and I ought to acknowledge them as such.

The only thing that's been irritating me this past week (still ranging in the Boy/Men department) is that I think... I think I miss Marshall. And I don't know why. It could be because that I'm remember the "good" memories instead of wanting to burn his face off. Or it could be that I'm still pitying him. Like I'm still in that whole "I've got to/I know how to fix him" mode. Very disgusting thing that girls really ought to be aware of. And I am more than guilty of such an approach when it comes to men. God did a very funny thing to me on Tuesday of my group ("Find God in everything that happens") This guy walks in... and he is everything that I'd go for. Fairly tall, insecure, dealing with a "god complex", handsome, and self loathing with a history. It took every cell in my body to not be "kind" and extend out a hand and give him my number for him to call me whenever on the first day he was there. I had to look at myself, my motives, and face my sexual frustration full force as a Christian.

I talked to Lani about it and he said that it's normal to be sexually frustrated especially in my age. And he said it's okay to date only not in the typical societal definition of dating (which generally includes sex and co-dependency) A big part of me wants to practice this lol. I want to be able to have a boyfriend and not sleep with him, and not throw excessive amounts of energy towards which I'm so used to doing. The reason this is such a big deal is because for the last week I've been annoyed with myself for having crushes. Like I'm not allowed or at least it's a bad idea because... well. I'm husband shopping. I have to learn to be friends with guys and not seek them out simply for relationship purposes. It's very easy to be one track minded and get dissappointed... that describes my life with guys for the most part. I'm giving this frustration, lust and issue with guys to God and letting him help me direct that energy into something else. I don't want to deal with it.

Aside from this life is pretty awesome. I start teaching next week hopefully, I found out I got an 'A' on my German DIS, and today I pulled off a successful activity in my Russian class. I just have to get and keep myself out of my funks. Because honestly... they just don't matter.

"We're a moment in time, in the cycle of life"

Getting What I Wanted

Sometimes it just sucks to think about being me.

I'm doing quite well. My health seems steady, classes are interesting, I'll be teaching at an elementary school this semester which I'm super excited about. And overall things are going exceptionally well. I finally got baptized on Sunday and it's only been a few days, but my relationship with God is so sweet and He has blessed many of my situations already.

Now for the icky stuff.

Last time I wrote about self issues that I took notice of and realized I needed to make sure that myself image shapes up. I had a conversation with a good friend of mine and it opened up a wound I was trying so hard to ignore and yesterday morning it hit me like a ton of bricks until I wrote it out:

"I am embarrassed at times for being a darker skinned female with afro hair because i go for men who are typically of opposite description and they often reject me for girls the opposite of me (typically white with long hair)"

After I wrote it down during class and read it over (I only had to troubles listed) I looked at it... decided it was retarded and was finally able to focus. I don't necessarily think I was ignoring the issue so much as just needing to get it out on paper so I could stop making it my primary focus. And of course it's dumb because it's not like I can suddenly become this fair skinned blond straight haired barbie doll. But I guess the ultimate question is if I could... would I?

Marshall breaking up with me... no.... cheating on me with another girl I think has just pushed up a lot of inner feelings I've had about myself that I've been trying to defeat. I know I shouldn't be harping on him or what he's done, but it's really hard when I semi-anticipate this happening EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Not simply being cheated on, but having a guy that I'm interested who is either a lighter complexion than I am or white just becoming disinterested in me for whatever reason and suddenly "falling in love" with a girl that is nothing like me two days later. It hurts, and it sucks. And dammit if I have to keep praying about attempting to not let it bother me... I will anyway, but I just wish it weren't an issue. I trust in God with all my heart and if things are in his will to be done, as long as I make the choices that are godly and wise things will turn out alright.... right now I just can't seem to completely overpower the heartache.

Ever since God plucked Marshall out of the way really amazing things have been happening. I have a job (or rather two), I'm teaching Russian to elementary school kids, I'm building a positive relationship with my German Department head who used to frighten me a lot (it was all in my head). And I've been comfortable in my own skin, seeing good friends, meeting some interesting people. I really do feel like Marshall was simply in the way. And when I saw him at the movies on Saturday night I was livid as hell. I wanted nothing more than to bash his head through the window he was sitting in front of. He couldn't even look at me. And I think what ultimately pissed me off is that he will NEVER apologize to me. I find myself in a constant personal battle: One day it'll be his fault for being a selfish, ignorant, asshole.. and the next day it'll be my fault for loving him so hard and pushing him away and constantly being upset with him for not being the boyfriend I wanted....

And with that I've had to become content with being single and not making a relationship my primary focus because every time I put my hands on something like that, it rots in the palms of my hands. I smile when my friends tell me of their adventures and desires for a partner, ranging from "I need some action" to "I'm ready for a ____friend now." It's cute. And it makes me wish I was where they were from time to time, because I've come to one very daunting surreal conclusion- I want to get married.

It's been one of those things that I can't fight anymore. I think of how I was when I was fooling around with guys and realized it wasn't working. I think of how much work and energy and love I put into being with Marshall... and I compare that to what my friends believe, and what Marshall used to say to me that always started arguments.... I am basically ready to be with someone for the rest of my life. And I should kinda take note that perhaps God, by taking out my distractions, by allowing me to love Him as much as I want, is preparing me for the very thing I've been ready for, for quite some time now. I'm sure He is okay with me being sad and heartbroken, it's hard not to be, but I feel like there is something in the works, and I have no idea what it is. I just have to be patient and trusting. Which is becoming easier by the day.

In other news, this kid that I know who is a friend of mine (he's older than I am, but he's still a kid to me) really set me off with a two day argument about the bible, God, and what I'm doing with it. I've decided that I have had lots of experiences and have plenty more to go in my life and there is NEVER a need to defend my faith, or the bible because they defend themselves. I've decided that I have no reason to listen to people who HAVE NEVER experienced... much of anything. Don't talk to me about my sex life if you've never had sex. Don't talk to me about managing money if you've never worked a day in your life. Don't talk to me about faith if you barely trust the very source from which your faith is derived. I know that I'll be faced with tough conversations throughout my life while being a Christian, but I'm surely going to pick and choose my battles and just not give a damn about what people feel the need to say about my faith personally. Because the bottom line is, they don't know anything. I just needed to get that out there because the next time it happens, I'll have to put my Christianity on the side and duke it out hard core. I don't enjoy fighting (verbally or physically) unless it's absolutely necessary. I'm asking people kindly to not make it necessary. Period.

Waking up early and getting to bed early is really amazing. Nothing good happens after 1 AM for me and waking up at 7:30AM helps me get things done.

Kabuto ga ni Kodai no Sakana

I'm not sure what it means, but it's the song I was listening to when I started this.

I'm in my dorm now and I really like the way it's turned out. I still have my German research paper to write, but I think I'll have it done by Saturday no later. This whole healing process has been pretty good. I'm not beating myself up, or letting the memories and thoughts trigger an emotional response. I've been spending time with friends and praying and being positive. That's really been helping. I'm really happy because I've talked to my friends about my new found Faith and they have been very sweet and supportive of me... not something I was expecting initially.

I'm looking forward to this fall and all the opportunities it has in store for me. I'm actually the least stressed out I've probably ever been in my whole life. I most certainly appreciate this peace, especially considering how I still don't have a fall schedule on top of other things that troubled me all summer. But I'm alright. It feels good to just be alright. I got my wisdom tooth out! No more summer tooth infections! The whole operation made me SOOOO glad I wasn't getting more then one out. I learned I'm not as tough as I think I am.... and that's okay too lol.

The only real battles I've been fighting personally have been the ones with myself (surprise surprise) with my esteem. The confidence is coming along rather nicely, but myself image goes up and down like a pulse reading image. Some times I feel super amazingly beautiful in all my plain and simpleness, and other times I go outside and see gorgeous girls that look nothing like me and feel defeated. It's a nasty battle and I feel like the only way I'm going to win this is if my steady rising confidence simply continues to rise... I figure eventually self comparisons won't be an issue. I think God is preparing me for something. I'm not sure what, but I think the way I see myself is going to play a little piece in it because it's been a faint yet persistent thought in my mind.

I think this is the first post I've made where there wasn't some intense or minor drama overwhelming my thought process. I like it a lot! I'm calm and collected for once. I know I'm a mess, but I'm alright with it and it's not taking me over. What else can I write about?

My baptism has been postponed to this Sunday! I'm still excited. And still nervous hehe. I'm making gumbo probably tonight for the first time on my own... and I have officially found myself reaching so I'll wait until next Thursday when things might seem more interesting :)

I feel good about everything... and though I may have ups and downs I know that this feeling will be my stasis from now on...