How Then Shall (or Should) I ask?

I would normally attribute this to frustration and irritability with being premenstrual, but never in my life have I experienced what I have in the last three weeks. I've been annoyed with my church, I've been peeved at work and I've felt weak in my friendships. A long night of arguing about faith with a Jewish friend of mine has rendered me broken in talking to other friends about God. My lack of position t work and my position at work in and of it self has made me feel like a doormat used whenever someone else wants something their way. I'm tired of waking up early for something I don't wish to do. I'm tired of doing things I don't want to do because no one else want to do them. I'm tired of being put in a situation where I'm obligated to do things because I'm single and have no children. Some of this isn't real, but that doesn't take away the fact that I feel the way I do.

I don't know when it all started probably after "Date Week" [I spent 6 days in a row watching children so that families could go on dates for Valentines Day] But the steady frustration has been building. The tip of the ice berg was when I got the results of my doctor and dentist visits thwarting my goal to buy a car this year. I've been angry and quiet and intense ever since. I talked to Lani about it at prayer last Tuesday and I had to stick my neck out to not come off merely as a "20-something" that knew everything. Up to that point I had grown tired of the "trust God" and "put stuff at the altar" spiel. We got into the topic of asking, how to ask and what posture to take when asking. A few things got revealed to me in that conversation:

1) God will not be manipulated. Well duh. He's the King of the universe. Where this comes in for me is that I cannot ask God for things with the attitude of "well He's not going to do it anyway..." that's manipulation and is kind of the only way I know to respond. Which brings me to the next point.
2) My mother feels this way with any majorly important thing she wants. I've never watched my mother ask anyone for anything- not even God, who she claimed to believe. She did it all herself and to hell with anyone who got in the way.. Lani brought up the fact that though she asks for nothing she is utterly dependent and is entitle-oriented and thinks everyone owes her something including me.

Truth is that if I'm not careful and hard at work against this will be as crazy as she is.

So my problem is trusting- this weekend is one of the few opportunities I have to deal with my anger which has made me crazy. My first stop was All Saints. I got coffee and sat in the back porch area where I read a chapter in I Chronicles. I then moved to Galatians 3 and God called me out by verse 2.

"This only I want to learn from you: Did you receive the Spirit by works of the law, or by the hearing of faith?"

Well?

I had to dig back to when I first got saved. Why did I let God in? Because I wanted to follow rules? Nope! It was because I got fed up with not being happy with how my life was going. I recognized I didn't know what I was doing and I was apparently willing to give myself to God to achieve what I had seen in others- tranquility, calmness, sweetness among children and adults. I trusted God with me because deep down I knew it would change my life. I then thought of what God had done for me and the prayers I watched Him answer because He's answered many. He's answered my prayers regarding my character, regarding my personal sin, my attitude, my ways towards others. I've seen me change internally with prayer and faith that He would change me. 

But thinking of Him when when it came to external things was a different matter:

A) I hardly ever prayed for physical things.When I did they were either out of selfishness or flat out doubt.

B) Of the things I prayed for in doubt God answered them, but my heart and mind were never in a place to see them. Because they were not asked in faith I could not see the answered prayers as being nothing more than flukes.

This is the first time in my 3 2/3 years that I've really considered trusting God for stuff faithfully. Who knew it was this hard in real life? I know He loves me, but I want to *know* He loves me and I'm finally fitting in a posture to where I can receive some revelation of His love in faith rather than in doubt or out of some manipulative stance.

"[Am I] so foolish? Having begun in the Spirit [am I] now being made perfect by the flesh?"

Do I need to do everything myself? Since when have I?... Where did your heart fail? When did you feel alone in asking Me? When did I not provide for you? When have I not proven My love for you? Will I not do it again so long as you are Mine? Have you stopped being Mine? NO. So wait for Me. Ask Me and wait for Me. No more of this. If you want Me to show you I love you, wait. Ask and wait.

Chime Alarm

Whenever I think about writing this entry I have the perfect opening and the right things to say. Then my day continues and I completely lose it all and decide not to write at all. I've decided to just go through with it anyway.

I've been convicted on many things since my last post. My being judgmental, harsh and critical, my deep seed to want to manipulate guys to get their attention even for a short while (just about the base reason for all my guy problems I've ever mentioned), my thought life and how that translates to how I respond to things, my lack of prayer and submission to God for all things in my life, my self-deception, my pride...

The last two weeks have been work to say the least. A lot of this confrontation started with this old journal I found that I've had since middle school. A little purple book with a flower on it with pages I had written when I was as young as 16, maybe? Lot's of scary thoughts I had when I was younger, song tabs I wrote and dated memories. I ripped all the pages out half intending to throw them away and half intending to sort through and keep some things... But I decided to use the newly blank journal as a prayer journal. Writing down names of people and stuff to pray for them specifically. I started it in my car one morning when I showed up really early and after writing it down I sat there and prayed out loud everything I had written. Some of the prayers turned into more beautiful topics for God to hear. It was liberating and the more I began to pray for me, the more I came to realize the majority of the things I listed earlier about myself. In all this prayer and all this realization I've also come to terms with what it means to be imperfect, what it means to need to the grace of God and what it means to be okay with not being or reaching perfection as long as I have this body and walk on this earth. This brought to the forefront why prayer is so important and why God needs to know my heart and I need to use my words and tell Him what He already knows, but will not touch unless I say them myself. In my weakness He is made strong and therefore His strength makes me stronger. This backward frame of logic finally started to sink in and I repent for my lack of prayer everyday... I repent with prayer for anyone and everyone and by asking what God's will is for me and what I can do to love with His love.

So since my last entry I've been through a lot. It's safe for me to say that my tension involving my erm... members has been kept under control and has been submitted entirely to God's hands. In fact a recent occurrence has lead me to believe that my husband is coming. Basically, God has told me "he's coming." I've decided to not let the thought go any further (even if for brief instances it already has). It's God's thing and all I can do is pray and wait until its fruition. It's pretty interesting timing, I'd like to mention because this was right after I'd begun to prayerfully unearth all my issues I had been holding back. In time also in the midst of my praying about my guy manipulation all of my emotions and feelings regarding certain guys have faded. I sat and had lunch with one guy who told me he didn't see us going any further because our faith was so different. Well, duh- but I was glad he was able to say what I knew months ago, but toyed around with. And a really good friend who I've had feelings for for quite a while came into town and my love for him as a person and for his soul trumped anything else I'd ever had for him. I had for him the kind of love that was perfected in my knowing and loving Jesus. I've been praying for him ever since then. It has been freeing to be content with being single, being okay with severing those emotional ties to men and simply relaxing in God's rest. So of course my husband is coming. Right as I've grown into being comfortable single. However the fun part is that I have no idea when. It could be years from now. It could be tomorrow. I get to sit here and be single and love God until he shows up. Then I'll love God and have the man God prepared me to be with. I'll take it.

"All these things about me,
You never can tell"

Letting Myself Be Sick

I think you know what I mean. When you felt sick days ago, but you just had to go to class, or had to go to work, or had to absolutely do something that day... then a week passes and you feel the same symptoms creeping up on you further. Yeah... it's like that. So today will be my sick day before my body shuts down on me at the most inopportune time.

I will admit I'm kind of excited to make some mac and cheese and play F.E.A.R, but I miss Sam and Christi already. I always see them on Wednesdays.

Alright so I'm here, what shall I talk about.

Let's talk about my anxiety. Since apparently that's what God is testing me in these days and will most likely to continue to test me in for years to come.

I am anxious about:

1. Being sick. Not my "aww I have a common cold" sick, but the "my body aches in the important lower regions of my body and I don't know why" sick. It's scary, but I'm trying every moment to not live in fear of what it may be.
2. Homework assignments. I'm doing them. They're getting done, I just don't know if I'm doing everything to my highest standard and ability. This performance pressure of mine won't let up it seems.
3. Graduate school. I finally made a break through and started my school's application. Such a huge step for me, because I have this tendency to let things pile up in my mind and freak out because the pile is so large... instead of actually doing something about the pile in real time.
4. Loving people. There are quite a few people that I want to (if I haven't already) pour my life out to in efforts to love them and be there for them. Maybe in my being a young Christian I'm expecting too much too soon. I feel like I'm not achieving anything, when in reality people's lives don't change over night, their mind sets don't change overnight, the insanity they view as normal or okay isn't merely going to leave upon me saying something to them or suggesting new ways to consider things. Loving people deeply is a walk. And walks like that take time and patience and love from God- not myself.

Lani told me something that I hadn't heard in a while in the context of me needing to give myself a break. He told me that I got dealt a mess from the very beginning of my life, that was just it and the way it was. I got older and realized it was a mess and have been busting my butt to climb my way out ever since. Working hard through school and working jobs, all things that call for performance in order for me to succeed.

Because that's how I operate, with this performance pressure mindset, it's like my default mode. I have to get it right or I run the risk of failing and being back where I started, where ever that might be. There is a healthy element to that I would assume, but it's so intensely manifest in me that it takes on a form of stress... and it turns physical.

Much of this comes down to me being able to trust God with my life... all of it. And somehow my brain wants to figure that pattern out too, what does it look like to trust God with my life? How do I know I'm doing it correctly? What if I'm doing it wrong? And all the aches I haven't felt since High School come back to haunt me. I had a really good streak of pain free months this past year, and I don't know where it all went. Probably disappeared around the time I realized God was angry at me about Truelove. Huh... I guess I didn't consider that until now, but that might be where all this stress started.

I just want to be able to trust God in everything I do. I just want to be able to live my life in such a way that I would not believe for a second that I have forgotten Him. But I also want to do it sanely, and not because I feel like I must impress Him (He is not impressed by the things I do). I want to obey Him and not have it appear to be me walking on eggshells. I want to love Him and not act like He'll leave me if I don't do it right. There is so much certainty and so much surety, so much security there. It always will be. I just want my mind, my body and my soul to act like it.

God is not my mother.

God is God. God is the Person that loves me so much He gave His only Son so that I may be able to have a life in Him... an everlasting life. I just need to remember that. It's okay if I don't know what that looks like right now, I will and Jesus will give me the grace to figure it out. I don't have to worry. Srsly. DON'T WORRY. I suppose that much of this comes from me not being able to bounce back when someone is frustrated or disappointed in me about something. I usually spend my time cowering in a corner and being afraid to do anything (walking on eggshells essentially), but with God I don't have to do that. I repent, I pray, I breathe and He hugs me and tells me to go on and behave. He does not want my dignity to be lessened and he does not want me to cower and be insignificant and useless in his sight. He wants me to be strong, humble, sweet, patient, and loving to live a life in Him that displays all of that naturally- not forced. So when I mess up I need to show remorse (upsetting God is NOT fun), but I can pick myself up and dust myself off and know that He has my back, He won't let me fall.

*phew* my anxiety talk in a nut shell. I really needed to share that and come to the conclusions I did.

Something else really random: So lately I have heard people make jokes about Jesus being zombie, and that the resurrection of souls is pretty much like a zombie apocalypse. Absurd, of course, but in my naive brain and in my naive thinking I became a little worried because I don't know what the Resurrection will look like, nor does anyone else. Again I know this is totally crazy, but bear with me there is a good ending to this thought avalanche. So this morning I read Mark 12 and I got to verses 24-27 and came to relief about such trite, silly thinking. haha Verse 27 Jesus ties this off with "He is not the God of the dead, but of the living; you are greatly mistaken." (NASB)

And underneath that it also helped me be confronted with another anxiety problem that I have that I chose not to mention earlier because it wasn't at the fore front. Marriage. Good heavens I'm ready to be. But obviously I'm not ready for it. The set of verses I point out paint a picture for me about where marriage should be in my hierarchy of concerns spiritually. Verse 25 Jesus says:"For when they rise from the dead, they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven." There is a life beyond this that Jesus explains so briefly, but so elaborately, that even marriage is obsolete within it. I hope to make it a task to place marriage in it's proper place- Below the desire to be in God's kingdom. That will probably rid me of a few problems along the way.

"You've been looking for a sign all this time, If you seek you'll find me every time."

When My Soul Takes a Drink

I went to a retreat this past weekend with my church. It was so simple. We were in Melrose for about 3 days, which is just outside of Gainseville. The camp was small, but big. I'll do my best to recap all the things that happened.

Thursday 23rd

I went to class and hung out with people in between my (now) two classes; I dropped my Russian class that had successfully overworked me. I went and picked up Jacob and we drove back to my house after a run to publix. Just before that I got a text from Brandon about getting a ride with him his wife and best of all their son Aiden! I don't think I felt that randomly excited about seeing a baby before. Maybe it was because I had been wanting to text them and ask how he was doing since last I heard he wasn't feeling so great. Well upon going home I packed my junk and drove over to Brandon and Betsy's house to park my car (my window on the driver side won't go up the inch and half it needs to be sealed from the rain >.<) We didn't leave til a bit late since I was craving a burger. While we were driving I dug myself into a stupid text conversation with Truelove, and then eventually tried to fall asleep... And Aiden had gotten hungry. We stopped at two gas stations (the first was closed) to try to give him warm food. Among all this (because he cried for more than half the trip) I found myself being woken out of dead sleep a few times, but although I could feel a hint of agitation building up somewhere in me, it was consistently overwhelmed by this sense of duty... Duty to Aiden that is. I tried to comfort him as best I could while he was strapped into his seat and many times I was so tempted to take him out, but thought better of it (for obvious reasons). I think what makes this such a big deal is that I couldn't recognize where I got that ability to pick-up this understanding of loving someone so much because I had no choice if I actually wanted to make them happy. Not even having boyfriends could get that kind of true love and duty out of me. God surprises me with myself. We get there and I'm roomed with Emily and Amanda and I just want to sleep. It finally happens with some tuning out with my mp3 player. Then at 1AM we all get moved to another room because we were in the wrong one! lol Good times. It was the best sleep I had in a long time because I was just so worn out!

Friday 24th

8AM Breakfast

9AM Devotional Time

10AM Worship Service

12PM Lunch

1PM Nap

2PM Fooseball, but no one was there! *sad face* I just wandered around and hung out with people in the Nursery. (Maybe I like babies more than I thought)

4PM Planning Project, I thought I'd be stressed out about this project because that's how I normally get when I go out of town when something is due. But nope no pressure... in fact I learned something about myself.

It came up while listening to Brandon Heath's song Trust You. It was like the song was telling on me and I started to cry. Mainly in regards to the whole Truelove thing. I realized that the main reason that I was (and might still be) hooked on this guy was because of the intense connection that I have with him because we had had sex. Even if it was over a year ago, even if it was a short lived fling, the emotional, physical, mental and spiritual connection I have to him still existed. And by trying to rid myself of it and get over that on my own I was sinning against God. Sex is a creation that He deemed to be a certain way for me to enjoy that includes the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual connecting to someone; and to think that I could somehow sever those ties that I created because I had abused such a gift in my past is ridiculous. I kept asking God to help me break myself of those ties when in reality He is the only one that can sever and heal that part of my life. By trying to force myself out of a connection with Truelove I had only given myself to the problem and focused my energy on controlling something I have no control over. And I repented then and there. Then Leah came in and offered me peanut butter and nutella sandwiches. I had thought she told me to meet her somewhere else and I wandered around the camp for a long while looking for her, only to discover after about 15 minutes that she was in my room the whole time.

6PM Dinner

7-9PM I watched babies in the Nursery with Lara. Again babies! lol But it was fun hanging out with William and Sam and watching them play and consoling Noah who was horrendously upset! The girls faired rather well though. Elizabeth, Lara's daughter, and Eliana, Allie were pretty good not being around their parents. Aiden was good once he had some toys that caught his interest. I ended that sitting session consoling Taylor who crying in her crib and it was really cool having her fall asleep in my arms even if it only lasted for about 2 minutes. She was nestled into my chest and was so still and content. I guess I never thought of myself as much of a good maternal figure (in my own mind ha!)

9-10PM I went to the campfire and had s'more around the camp fire. Devin picked on me about my umbrella not opening and Angel tried to help me get it open. Pretty funny endeavor. Then I had hoped to go to bed, but I hung out with Sally and talked to her about current events. I hope that she knew that I was listening. I was so tired that my posture wasn't great, but watching her hoola hoop in a crowded room was pretty cool.

Saturday 25th

8AM Breakfast

9AM Devotional Time (which wasn't much of one because of older ladies talking about Yoga and the camps history, and then little kids storming the next place I sat at with Mike sitting at the other end of the building. then I went to the chapel and hung out waiting for the 10AM meeting and listened to Heather practice for worship. She's awesome. I love her voice.

10AM Morning Meeting with Raymond

12PM Lunch Where i talked to Abraham, Jerusha and Martin's son.

1PM-4PM Played a half game of fooseball since it was happening earlier than expected. I'm still thinking of playing soccer this year. I need to get back into running once I get better shoes. Then I changed into my swim shorts, borrowed from Brent, and went out to the lake. And some how I ended up going with Amanda, Hannah, Mariah, Addie, and Jason on a boat for tubing. I was the last one to go because I had never gone before and was a little worried, but it turned out to be so much fun! The boat drivers name was Kyle. Then I hung out and waded around in the lake with all those out there. Josh and I got into a water tossing match that was fun. I hung out with Christi who enjoyed having the weight of the twins off of her just a little while. Then I walked toward my dorm, but stopped to talk to Alicia, Kim and Renee while Kim was getting Eliana ready for the lake. Then Jacob came up with the golf cart and I convinced him to take me to my dorm since I didn't have my shoes near me. I went back to my room showered and worked on my project a little more.

6PM Dinner

7PM Evening Meeting; Sally wrote a song from Psalm 52 and performed it with Christine and Jamie.

9-11PM Again I wanted to go to bed early, but not when you're bunking with a ton o' girls! I listened to Emily receive some tooth brushing and flossing advice, and I think in my own insecurity and preconceived notions I laughed it off, maybe harder than I needed to. Something I'll have to look at my heart at with God and sift through. Then Emily, Sally and I had a sweet time hanging out with Jerusha who is truly amazing. She is a woman of God and someone to be respected. She talked to us about personal girl and guy things that were very useful and helpful. And she encouraged Emily with her fiancée who is recently a man of God himself. Then she was informed about Michaela and Kurt being engaged and explaining why Lindsey hadn't come to the retreat too! Lots of wisdom was shared from her that night. It was sweet. Then afterwards Jamie and Amanda had come back and we all went to bad, but not before hearing Jamie's your mom jokes aimed at Emily and giggling like school girls for about an hour.

Sunday 26th

8AM Breakfast

9AM Genesis and Abraham got baptized! Praise God! It was amazing. Watching their father was in tears while in prayer afterward, it was a glorious thing to see. It made me think of when I got baptized. It's really awesome to watch someone announce to the world that they are choosing to walk with Jesus.

10AM Meeting; The kids put on a great performance lead by Molly. Favorite line, taken out of context, but it truly was like a drink to my soul:

"We were created for God to get to know and enjoy us and God created us for us to love and enjoy Him." This may be a paraphrase, but I'll fix it once I get it right. I felt this amazing wave of joy and relief fall over me.

12PM Lunch

So here are some things I came away with:

1) I'm much more quiet than normal; I don't know what that's a product of. I described it to Aaron before as all the stuff that I learned is coming through and entering into me like water through a Brita filter. Nothing is being filtered out per se, all the messages are just sinking in slowly

2) Internet and phone usage has dropped tremendously. It's nice to say I'll only be on Facebook for 10 minutes and be done in four. Or not check my phone ever 2 minutes even when no one has called me. I feel less like a slave to those things.

3) I pray more. I hadn't realized how much talking to God I don't do. I need to be talking to Him about everything, and normally if I'm not talking to Him about something I'm probably being negligent or trying to control it. He's got my back. It's nice for me to act like it.

4) I'm feeling more adult. Or at least a bit more... more of something that I have a poor amount of language knowledge to explain. It's nice though. On top of not worrying about anything.

Fast

OOOOooooOOOO! It's a Thursday! In a new month! w00t! Today was interesting. There was a boy! (surprise surprise) And it was actually a second chance to do things correctly.... A coincidence is that it took 3 weeks for things to settle in (and for me to accept thoroughly the fact that it was going to work out) beginning from my first day of classes.

His name is Truelove and he was one of my pre-Jesus messes that I really wished I could have gone differently. This time around it was because sex was going to be excluded from the relationship... and he could see himself being unhappy about it from the beginning. I fought with him about it, but he wasn't going to budge (... nor was I) and eventually it ended awkwardly. Mostly because we were flirting a lot over the past three weeks. Kind of disgusting in hindsight. Apparently though he flirted the absolute most with me he would flirt consistently with other girls too. I guess I think that's just gross and disrespectful. Why would I be okay with a guy holding a girl the same way he holds me? I may not be worth it to him, but I KNOW I'm worth it period, so I'll get over any little emotional investment I might have brought in with the prospect of us going out. *sigh* Single for longer, but at least this crap is over now. Finding a man that's the total package is harder than I anticipated haha.

The over all encompassing theme of the day was fasting. I only told Truelove because he asked me what was going on with me today. It was hard, but it was very amazing. I tried to fast before and it didn't go very well.... probably because I wasn't sincere in my prayer and what I wanted to see change. I was fasting for:

1. Our churches retreat that we're having in two weeks.

2. That Truelove would make the best decision and that I would overall be okay with his decision especially if it is one that I didn't totally enjoy. (which is what I expected and DID happen)

3. For the Quran Burning events and that God would intervene on the situation.

2 and 3 went exactly as they should although 2 was pretty painful in the middle of it. Being told that because you won't provide sex in a relationship that it's not worth trying is kind of hard to swallow gracefully. I just hope he gets put in the friend zone quickly so that I can try and be better friends with his roommate Meghan who I really liked when I met her, but I'm mentally preparing for that to not go very well. Politics of friendships sucks.

Fasting overall taught me two things

1. I can do it. I need to be sincere and honest about my intentions and devote myself to it. Telling your body "no" as you anticipate french fries and a burger after your class is no easy task, but it can be done. I really got to see the root of the issues I was dealing with.

2. I can't do anything without God. I fought for Truelove and was pretty adamant about it. And that could have gone really bad if he had decided to change his mind and try it. God kept me up and by keeping TL honest it kept me from making this giant mistake that I seemed to want so desperately.

I wish I could handle myself better with these situations. Men are so stinkin complicated. I don't want to join a youth ministry on campus because I feel like I'd be shopping.... What a horrible concept! But a very true one haha. I'll get it right eventually. And it will hopefully take less than 3 weeks for me to get the picture that stuff with guys that aren't in line with Jesus just won't work. I need to stop letting the guys dictate what's going on (unless they're right) and then make them stick to their guns in every regard. Tough lessons. I'm glad I didn't make this known to a ton of people. Definitely blew up in my face.

Jesus is so amazing. He makes me so resilient.

"And I lay my head back down, and I lift my hands and pray to be only Yours. I pray to be only Yours; I know now You're my only hope..."

To Russia... 2

Holy cow! I really really wish that I had about 3 more weeks added on to this semester! But I'll be okay as long as I stay disciplined. So far so good.

I've been staying at Lani and Renee's quite a bit since it seems to be the only place where I can sleep. Being in my dorm is simply no longer enticing. It's not as quiet as I once thought it was it would seem. I've been waking up earlier and the commute to school is proving to not be as much of a hassle as I thought. I like being awake in the mornings. I feel useful.

My hair. There is a subject I don't talk a lot about given the name of this thing. My hair is awesome. It's so long now and I seem to refuse to give it the credit it deserves. I can put my hair in a pony tail and not have to bobby pin the whole thing. I can wear my hair out for days and watch as it gets bigger and bigger. People play with my hair at any given moment which I know for some is blasphemy, but for me it's a complete complement. No one really wanted to touch it before. It's pretty awesome to watch how I've been finding ways to limit my time in the shower. I'm getting really good at this. I used to take about a 20 to 40 minutes in the shower with detangling and what not, and that was a step down from two showers because of DTing! But now it's about 15 minutes not even to shower and wash my hair and I all of my detangling out of the shower. Saving time, money and water. Although recently I've been having issues with dry scalp which is never good. My scalp started to develop some scabs I think or at least high levels of irritation. I couldn't tell. I think washing and messaging with water has been the most help with that. Huh... feels good to be writing about this again. But now I'll have to admit I was absolutely obsessed in the beginning.

I've been good about not adding boys to my list of attractions recently. I'm proud of myself. Lots of cute guys too. I'm becoming impressed with myself. This sexual healing bible study I've been doing has really helped me to relax. I've come to (one of many) conclusion(s) that my trust in God will reflect how I will react to dealing with the opposite gender. I'm finally beginning to trust Him and His work through me is showing. I think I'm awesome now. I think I'm attractive, I think I look great (I've been working out lately it's part of my discipline.), all these things I once needed a guy for I no longer have pressure about. It's a beautiful thing not wanting to be with someone as if it's something necessary. Maybe that will help me with my fear of settling.

I leave for Russia in a matter of weeks. How frightening! I'm excited since I know there are a few Christians coming along with me on the trip. That helps me feel safer and less alone spiritually at least. I want to take pictures, I want to see the sites, I want to learn the language! Everything my heart has been set on is finally coming into play... I need to write down what I pray for. Sometimes I forget and I don't realize that it's something that I had wanted for long time. I'm getting this. I'm going. God has allowed it. I hope He has blessed it. I'm excited.

Getting Out

I hope to look back on this blog years later and want to delete a lot of the stuff that I wrote especially thinking back now just how incredibly stupid I've been. Things that I worried about, things that I've stressed about. I hope to look back and "burn" all the pages written by the troubled girl I once was.

Not that i think I'm any better now. Even now as I type this I'm stuck in my own head. I have troubles and inner feelings of discomfort and aggravation that are mainly present because of one very consistent problem that I have... The inability to let it go. I used to be infuriated with the very idea. But back then my mother was telling me to let go of six years of abuse by my uncle without apology or care. The unrighteousnesses of it all was enough to drive anyone without God to hatred and wrath. But now.... *sigh* now it's over stupid acquaintance/boy stuff. I deleted some people from my facebook. Kevin and Musca being among them. I had really hoped Kevin would have been willing to be a good friend to me, but instead he just chose to ignore me... even after telling me he wasn't going to disappear... even after saying that he loved me like a sister. It's heart breaking actually. Since even for a little time I thought he'd be a friend at the very basic sense of the word... maybe me being saddened by the whole thing isn't stupid boy stuff. It's a wake up call that just makes me want to cry. Well... glad that's over and done.

Musca is incredibly obvious. Apparently even when your 25 you still determine to ignore girls that you ultimately know you're not going to end up sleeping with. Surprise surprise. I just want to be friends with people that love Jesus already! Is that so hard to come across? Why yes, actually. The world sits in the lap of the evil one. Those who follow God are sore thumbs which the world openly intends to suppress. I'm not sure if this is how Traci feels, but I have a strong desire to leave Florida... but not without Church family.

Sometimes I wonder if my desire to travel and go abroad was something set on my heart by God or something that I'm using to avoid pains (not so much responsibility) I don't regret coming to FSU, but romantically I'm so tainted here. It shows within me when I walk outside and I feel so immensely unattractive. I'm so thankful that I'm finally officially not wanting a relationship, but it's because I'm sick of the obsessions I put myself through. Yet all of this wouldn't really change if went somewhere else... it would be like a clean slate of new people for me to screw everything up again either way.

I need to get out of my own head.

I need to let God speak instead of giving so much room to the gray voice... the voice that I'm realizing spouts bad things about me I wouldn't normally think. The one that thinks I'm stupid, the one that thinks I'm not pretty, the one that thinks I'm fat the one that thinks that I can't do anything right, the one that makes me question my worth as a woman, the one that makes me think of how worthless I am because of my skin color. The same voice that makes me think God is out to get me and punish me for nothing. Lies. Every last one of those is a lie. I'm going to trust God. I'm going to trust him through the promise through Jesus that He gave to me and everyone else.

On the grand scheme, Death will be over come, Life will be given and the Lord I've come to know and love will reign supreme.

How can I be defeated by the world when I have that kind of promise?

"My God He was, my God He is, my God He's always gonna be."

I'm on Fire

Reading my last post completely embarrasses me. I'm tempted to delete it, but I think I'm going to keep it for a little while. And maybe do some editing to it of things that I've learned and realized now that I'm not hyper emotionally involved.

I'm pretty convinced that God has set up a method with me to deal with things. He isolates the problem for me... makes it stick out like a sore thumb, so I have no choice, but to deal with it. I could be wrong. And I don't think He has set me up to fail. But I have a number of choices when guy stuff comes up. Only when God is involved I actually have two. His way or my way.

It's never been so ridiculously apparent that I have crazy issues when it comes to the opposite gender! It's never been so in my face and frequented until now. I guess I can't say that it's never been a problem, but it has never been a problem that's stood out so intensely as it has been recently. I felt the same thing when I was dealing with having to love people that I don't like (i.e. stupid, ignorant, or selfish people). It was a pretty powerful thing I dealt with then too. So now I'm having to keep my eye-candy search in check. Otherwise I'll end up with another 'Musca situation', which is a recent name for the type of situation that I've always dealt with from guys in college.

I started this sexual healing bible study. It's forced me to begin this really hard process of having a real relationship with God. The book is so small, but it's packed with such powerful realizations. What makes the relationship aspect so difficult is having to let go and/or completely confess to the things I will never be proud of, never be able to fully explain to anyone, and things that I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to be forgiven for. It's daunting. But I do have to remember that I am forgiven and in order to heal I need to lay it all on the table. So far so good

"I'm standing on the edge of me,

I'm standing on the edge of everything I've never been before"

When There is Absolutely Nothing Left

Midterms have been incredibly intense recently. I'm not really sure how I survived all of them as I have. All of the stress has changed my mind and attitude. I've been really on edge and rather terse recently. Today I was frustrated because I couldn't happily eat my cheeseburger because there was too much KetchupMusturdMayo on it. That's not me... But it has been lately. It's even come to the point where I now have this peculiar animosity toward Kevin and his friends. As if there is some odd level of repulsion I've managed to conjure up within myself toward him. He hasn't done anything. His friends haven't done anything. I just feel this intensely strong desire to have nothing to do with him. It's been about 3 days since I've noticed it and this afternoon before a nap I turned to scripture about it.

I had two fantastic dreams following reading Hebrews 11 (I refer to the Gideon bible reference when you're "feeling" a certain way.) Now when I say Fantastic I don't mean fantastic as in "Holy crap that was awesome!" it's more like Fantastic as in "ooh....."

The first dream was basically disastrous. I dreamed I was on a plane and something was going totally wrong and I had a genuine fear for my life in the dream. But then I saw the earth... all by itself in space... and it exploded. Millions, billions, if not TRILLIONS of pieces of the earth were left floating in the cosmos... The fear I had on the plane tried to rise again, but I heard my own voice say something along the lines of : "Why are you worried about this? No matter what happens to you, YOU are going to live forever with God. Even if the entire world disappears... You will be with God... So in the end there is nothing to fear in death... it doesn't matter."

The next dream I had I was with Kevin in my room. And we were hanging out and at one point we sat very close to each other and held hands.... And it wasn't strange. We even kissed a few times and everything seemed pretty awesome and calm. And then he took out this plastic brochure book thing that had little buttons on it to play songs... The first song he played was pretty. I couldn't hear the words, but the music was sweet. And then he played a song which (this makes me laugh a little) sounded like it was by Usher... and it was so sexually explicit! And I kept searching the brochure for the song and the longer I listened the more obscene the lyrics became....

I woke up and was very humbled by my dreams. I have strange dreams, but none like the one I had first. Which made me think that maybe both dreams were explaining to me where my heart is, and perhaps where it should be.

The first dream really does deal with my fears in life and the trials and hardships I'll face. Even death. But reading Hebrews 11 really made me figure out that doubtfulness is completely absurd to someone who claims to believe in God. Jesus time and time and time again has proven his greatness, proven his amazing power, proven his reign over the people... and to doubt he would keep His promise to me when He's kept his promise to all the other follower in the past is ridiculous! And I need to be particularly careful about what promises mean... Promises from God aren't "boyfriends", "Careers", "Material things". He promises to ME eternal life, He promises to ME peace, and joy and love. And I cannot live my life equating these promises to things that I "want" because I am not in control of that. God knows what I need. He sees what I want, but He will provide me in the end with what I need which will in turn be what I want. And I need to remain aware of that. My second dream was an unveiling of what I want... I want kisses, and hugs, and affection. It doesn't have to be Kevin... he was the last to provide me with such so i automatically associate him with something I want. Thus my repulsion. And it's not his fault. Or anyones for that matter. I pray that I get over it in time so I can remain a loving friend when he needs.

When there is absolutely nothing left in this world... When the earth is in millions, and billions and trillions of beautiful shiny pieces in space. I will be with my God. And I will be with those souls who truly believe in the Kingdom of God. And that's what truly matters.

Choices That Are Not My Own

Awesome... so I'm pretty sure I'm blowing this relationship out of the water because I can't help, but to fret about the fact that dating a non-Christian poses problems as it does.

So Father in Heaven did you really place him in my life to mess with me after all? It all feels like a joke now. I'm just really glad I've held decent composure with him... I'm glad there was no deep seated sinful nature involved.

It's probably the worst conversation I've had with someone. And in the end him mentioning that the bible is "dated" made me get out of his car at 3AM and walk home in the cold. My last words to him were "I'm going home." My text message of choice was "Romans 2:11.... I love you, but you will not make me choose."

Ugh. And all this after our first real date too.

Alright. So this is where I stand.

I am a vessel for God. The being that has rescued my soul and loves me more than anything. I have a choice to follow Him and I choose to. He is my number one in life. He has my best interest at heart, but in turn I will be ready and willing to give my life to him and have him use me as needed for His purpose. If God tells me to move, then I'm going to move. I pray He gives me the wisdom between him telling me to do something and me actually just wanting to so much that I use him as an excuse.

"You can't roll a hundred pound truth on a ten pound bridge."

Aaron told me that a while ago in reference to Kevin. And that's what I did. And I feel completely ridiculous for it too. I'm not shaken by these truths that I'm living by now. I've had my jitters and frightening God fearing moments months ago. I know what I want... and I know where I want to be. God is the result of this equation.

I'm going to give it a week... because I just don't know what else to tell him. I'm not going to sugar coat where my life is with God. Kevin isn't going to convince me to ignore God at any point in time because it makes him uncomfortable. Good grief... I used to be that way.

I just don't know what to say to him now...

With a Panic....

Goofy songs get stuck in my head.

Sooo. I'm seeing someone. Yep. There is someone in my life right now that I like a lot that's made me shut up about being single and unworthy of dating (although the latter thought was short lived,) Oh and guess what! He's not a douche bag!!! I WIN!!!... okay I'm done. He's great, he likes movies, he's super tall (I tell everyone this because it's probably one of my favorite things about him) and he writes the most thoughtful cute.....MUSHY awesome letters ever. (That's right, letter writing was involved! :D ) His name is Kevin.

For the first time in the last few years I have found someone I'm interested in that I'm not simply settling for. I'm not acting desprately, I'm relaxed, calm and "not clingy??" I don't know, but it's definitely a nice change in pace. He's not a Christian, but he's not a God hating atheist either. I don't intend on molding him or shaping anything he believes, but of course I think everyone needs Jesus lol I'll be surprised as to what God does with his life. I'm really excited about my chance to excercise my values in a relationship of sorts. So far so good.

My mother and I aren't talking. The end of the last visit made me realize that she swims deep in drama that she creates herself. She was pretty rude to me on the last day I was in West Palm even though she claimed to want to see me. I really have had enough of her attitude and her unwarranted jealousy and her hypocritical actions in her Christian life. All I can do is forgive her (which I'm not sure if I have yet) and pray for her. LJF struck some pretty annoying chords in my last few days in West Palm as well. Between them both I feel as if I am an inconvenience. Asking LJ for a ride to see my mother was like pulling teeth. Getting my mom to be patient when LJ and I were at an event was like listening to a 2 year old scream about not being able to have a cookie (and then when she gets it she bitches about it and doesn't even eat the damned thing). It was really frustrating and made me just not want to depend on either one of them. And now I'm coming to terms with the fact that I can't. The two most important women in my life are so wrapped up in their lives and what they want and what works for them that I can't even get a real hug. "I love you" is an obligatory statement. Arguments or disagreements are met with either a fake smile in the end with advice to ignore the problem or simple silence with no resolve...

I hate going "home."

But I come back to Tallahasee and Lani meets me. I get a big hug and am met with good news that he waits to tell me until he starts making tea for us both. Apparently I have a car... and I'm picking it up today after a week or so of waiting. If that isn't something to make you realize where home is I don't know what is. From that point on day after day has been met with fun, wonder and opportunity... I even met Kevin on the first day of classes. This is home. And I'm learning to not get stuck on situations that feed the drama queen in me (it pisses me off to write that, but apparently it's there) I'm learning to be okay with cutting ties with mom. It's scary, but it's not the end of the world. I'll be okay.

But now I shall do laundry and eventually go get my car and then see Kevin and maybe even Kayla. I love my life and thank God everyday for it.

I won't step in line I'll release the glitch, but I can't fall asleep with a panic switch.

Once upon a December: Dignity

Okay So I failed miserably at the "Every Thursday" thing. But it's okay. It's not the end of the world. I'll admit that it feels good to write again.

So one would what have I gone through since my last entry. With my mother being away and all. Honestly I've been bumbling about with exams and whatever, as well as enjoying my current break. And I've learned some amazing things. The best and most recent I'll save for last.

I have learned:

1. That it is perfectly okay that I'm not going after my big dreams of becoming an International Trade Specialist or whatever it was I was hell bent on. Seriously I've just given up on it. The idea was more pressure on itself than it was worth and now I'm comfortable. I'm looking forward to enjoying life and learning by loving people. No matter how I intend to get paid, I want to love people. I want to be a Jesus girl
2. *I noticed I didn't explain this in previous posts* I have forgiven Marshall. Truly and deeply. And I realized that I had simply become bittered with my mistake and how it unfolded. I searched through scripture to something closest to what I was feeling. I found in my little Gideon's bible a passage under the topic of bitterness. and there I found First Corinthians 13- the infamous lines [paraphrased] When I was a child, I spoke as I child, acted as a child, i understood as a child. Now I am an adult and I can put away childish things. It was liberating to understand that in choosing to walk with Jesus I made the effort to walk away from those things in my former life... thigns that were childish including my relationship with Marshall. I can set it aside, remember I am forgiven and move on... finally...
3. I've taken notes on a few things in my life regarding people. Generally unless real change is sought out- What you see is what you get. I've always picked up on this, but the more I began to interact with Marshall and our mutual group of friends and other friends of mine that I'm not exceedingly close to, it hits me sometimes slowly, other times like a ton of bricks. But really it is very difficult for one to expect people to be a certain way if they consistently display being the opposite. It is truly up to me to simply accept that they won't change.

And the final thing that I have learned and began to take note of that I feel necessary to explain (so that one day I will read it and remember how beautiful it is): Dignity.

Something I've discovered that I have very little of.

It caught me off guard really. I was reading What Wives wish their Husbands knew about Women (the cover is different from the copy I've been reading) But there was a section on Loneliness, Isolation, Boredom and Lack of romantic life in Marriage, and it described me in every situation with a guy I had been in to a T. The next morning I looked up the word Dignity and followed by looking up Respect. And both words I knew a lot about, but had no clue as to how to approach them in situations with men. Academically and in a work setting, even a normal social setting, I handle myself with confidence and grace on most if not all occasions... but with men I'm an absolute wreck. I have no dignity around men of particular interest, specifically in relationships. I cried about it and made it my New Year's resolution to learn what dignity looks like and display and express it at all times. Walking over to my friends' place to cat-sit for a little while I kept asking myself questions:

"Someone/thing with dignity possesses worth, and honor. Does this mean I have worth or honor or value?"

"What exactly Am I worth?"

And an amazing answer came to me. I had to say it slowly and repeat it to realize it:

"I am worth the life of the Only Son of the King of the Universe."

If I weren't walking on a road side I would have fallen to my knees in tears. I wouldn't even know where to begin to LOOK like that. But that's what I'm worth. Now being told that I was "bought with a price" has a new meaning. I'm finally beginning to understand what it all means. And maybe from here on I'll figure out how to walk and act like I possess this worth... this value... this Dignity... no matter what situation I'm in.

I'm going to West Palm this week. It might be a good place to begin to practice.

"If you ever enter in my mind, stay there you'll live. To fend them off, to fool them all, stay there."

The Bigger Person

I'm always interested when I find that the things I help others with spiritually are the very issues that I look into deeply after the conversation is done or the issues that I dealt with just before talking to them about it. It's so sweet to watch the way my words make someone smile or remain quiet... it let's me know that it's getting through... and it's not me who's getting through, but the very power that gave me words to begin with.

Anyway.

HOLY COW, man! Everyone I know is dating someone! It's the craziest thing lol. Everyone I know personally is dating someone. And it seems like the "cuddle weather" has made it's way to everyone. Apparently I'm handling all this pretty well. Probably because my mom was in town and all kinds of ugly emotions and stuff came up... I shouldn't be surprised I suppose I can never be around her without SOMETHING going wrong.

I described it to Lani as "It's like when we're around each other it's a truck hitting a brick wall." All hell breaks loose and some type of drama occurs in different variations. This time Aigo (our dog/oldest pit) and Diamond (neighbors dog/younger rotweiler) fought and Aigo killed Diamond. Now mum has to put Aigo to sleep. She found all this out after our church service at Ryan and Rachel's and.... ugh. She howled... she didn't jut cry she was in so much pain she howled outside on Sunday morning. And it's because the dogs are all she has and now that she's lost two of them essentially she's frustrated and heartbroken.

And then there is my non-sympathetic logical side that's like, well it was going to happen anyway and I feel completely embarrassed. And embarrassment really is my natural response to my mother when she's around other people I know. And it's because... because I'm smarter than she is. And she's a lot dumber than I ever thought she was. Lani says it's because there is a time in people's lives when they just checkout... They decide that at a point they'll just stop and reading books, critical thinking and difficult problem solving just stop and that's where people will remain for the rest of their lives. And they'll spend their time just going to work and sitting in front of the TV... or watching movies. He also explained that my moms mentality is something that's been around since probably before I was born... otherwise "[I] wouldn't have been touched. [I] would have been protected."

So now I'm just stuck. I understand that my mother isn't stupid... just ignorant. And I understand that I will always have to be the adult in situations, but I guess I'm struggling with the fact that I don't WANT to be the bigger person every time. I want to be loved on, I want motherly love and protection that I can't give myself. Growing up was so fucked up without any real guidance or intelligent input from my biological family I've had to do it on my own. It's kind of unfair.

But I guess that's what God is here for... it's the reason He's been here from the beginning and will be until the end. And I need to allow him to heal the parts in which my mom couldn't fulfill and love others, even my own children, the way that others hadn't loved me for a vast portion of my life. I suppose this is a more important lesson than how to fix my ideas on my non-existent love life. I'm becoming content with not being smooched on I guess. And seeing other people happy... makes me happy for them. Even if I don't know every situation it's nice to assume the best in people.

"Thread it to forget it, to feel like you've already gone to the rest of the life that you've got. Tie the loose ends, bury it all away, just like this... Just like this"

My Face

I love everything about me except that...

I resolved this issue already, but it doesn't take much rejection to get those self-loathing feelings to resurface. EFM has a new girlfriend. Yay. I really am truly happy for him. Is it bad that I wished he would have said something about this when I asked him about us going out? I feel like this was an ongoing development that he just failed to mention. But the ultimate bottom line is... what do I care?

Because I feel looked over. I feel unpretty. I feel very much so not worth it. I was always good enough to screw but never good enough to date (in college that is.) So what do I do? I resort to disliking deeply a part of myself that I have no control over and won't change... my face. I even managed to get over Marshall and truly whole heartedly forgive him... but the comparison issue still remains. She (no matter who it's been) has always been the opposite of me. And it hurts. This is something that's come up before and I just want to be done with it and put it away. I guess seeing all of my friends including EFM in a relationship is a little daunting. But I cope with that by being supportive of them and loving them. I just want to take it in stride. I want to not have a heavy heart about this.... And I really want to keep what I discovered on Tuesday in mind:

"1) Who am I to take the blame over something in which GOD has created as if I have any right to my face or body or anything as a woman of God?"

This helps me get over my face issue a little bit. It's really funny... I went from my skin color and hair to my face in a matter of months....I think this has something that been hidden deep within me for a long time... *sigh* No point in worrying about it though right? It's not like I'm going to change anything about it. I just want someone I like to like me back...

Doesn't Need Defending

Keeping this one short I guess. I don't have any major situations worth talking about lol. I will mention them in one liners:

-Boy values my opinion even though I often cut him down when I don't realize it. (I guess that's what being honest is called)
-Counseling boy (from a few months ago I think) decides to leave group and blame us for it
-Random girl on facebook tries to justify that people need to tip otherwise they have no business eating out (????? for cereal?)
-Faith is growing through my friendships and fellowships
-I'm seeing a lot of what I was trying to avoid- me sinning, without even meaning to, internally

Teaching is going really well! Even had a pop-visit from the head professor with some guests and they saw me in both of my classes. I'm glad the students were so well behaved lol. I had a fairly productive week. I didn't lose too much sleep, but I would like to go to bed earlier still. I think I'm going to make this up coming week my last week of group counseling. I think I would be of better help to people that want it in a different form. As a Christian I don't fit in group anymore. It's just kind of how it is. I'll announce it finally and stick with it... I'll have my Tuesdays back at least.

I'm going to do my homework and throw off my sleep schedule by studying super late with a friend at Allsaints.

"The Bible doesn't need defending, it defends itself."
"You have the choice about whether you will let something bother you or not."
"Jesus will bring people to Him on his own accord, you can be a part of the process, but it won't be you to bring people to His kingdom."
"Be Angry, but Sin not."
"It really doesn't matter."

To Russia

"It's a life long journey to get one person to believe that your faith in God is real."

My mom said that to me earlier this afternoon when I told her about this person I know who called my intentions for following God selfish because of the aspect I gain of everlasting life. The argument just made me realize and love how strong my faith in God is and how selfish it isn't. I've prayed about it and I've forgiven him... but the fact that someone could be so ignorant to God's love astounds me... and the comments still sting a little apparently.

I've been thinking a lot about that. Selfishness. And how it's pointed out in me. I'm beginning to figure out the difference between whether what I desire is selfish or if what I desire can be determined by me and in turn be trusted in God's hands. I am learning not to live for the flesh but for God, but I think I'm getting it confused with what me wanting to do things and feeling like God has to "tell" me whether it's okay for me to want to do things. So to exercise the fact that I am allowed to want things I have decided that Russia is most certainly on my "To Do List"

I'm hoping to go to Moscow over the summer for six weeks and have the time of my life and learn all kinds of new things. Except learning to like mineral water (or Gas water) that crap is terrible :P lol I'm also considering a new course of graduate studies: Urban and Regional Planning. I realized that I'm really forcing myself to do economics and I'm going to give regional planning a try to see if I can find a genuine interest in it. I'll know by senior year I guess.

On the guy front I think I've finally let it go. All of it... all of them. EFM still remains a hopeless case for me. I almost asked him out in the library the other day. I forced and prayed myself out of it. It was during the time of the struggle of wanting what I want and wanting what God wants. And in the end I'm sure he would have said 'no' anyway (and that's not me being all emo about it). J.B. is such a strange strange case. I think I'm better off not considering any romantic relations since I know I can get wrapped up in them. I want feelings to be mutual and I don't want to have to feel like I need to do something in order to make it happen. It's not about me.

I'm milking my resources pretty intensely these days. I became bold and e-mailed my employer from the UCC and asked her if I could work in the club, but doing something else. I want a job (that whole selfishness and learning to give it to God thing) so I've been randomly applying to different places. I'm going to keep trying. There is no point in forcing myself to do things I don't want to do right? So why not do the things that you want to do (while not obsessing)?

I'm going to clean my room... I might actually go to bed early this time

Getting What I Wanted

Sometimes it just sucks to think about being me.

I'm doing quite well. My health seems steady, classes are interesting, I'll be teaching at an elementary school this semester which I'm super excited about. And overall things are going exceptionally well. I finally got baptized on Sunday and it's only been a few days, but my relationship with God is so sweet and He has blessed many of my situations already.

Now for the icky stuff.

Last time I wrote about self issues that I took notice of and realized I needed to make sure that myself image shapes up. I had a conversation with a good friend of mine and it opened up a wound I was trying so hard to ignore and yesterday morning it hit me like a ton of bricks until I wrote it out:

"I am embarrassed at times for being a darker skinned female with afro hair because i go for men who are typically of opposite description and they often reject me for girls the opposite of me (typically white with long hair)"

After I wrote it down during class and read it over (I only had to troubles listed) I looked at it... decided it was retarded and was finally able to focus. I don't necessarily think I was ignoring the issue so much as just needing to get it out on paper so I could stop making it my primary focus. And of course it's dumb because it's not like I can suddenly become this fair skinned blond straight haired barbie doll. But I guess the ultimate question is if I could... would I?

Marshall breaking up with me... no.... cheating on me with another girl I think has just pushed up a lot of inner feelings I've had about myself that I've been trying to defeat. I know I shouldn't be harping on him or what he's done, but it's really hard when I semi-anticipate this happening EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Not simply being cheated on, but having a guy that I'm interested who is either a lighter complexion than I am or white just becoming disinterested in me for whatever reason and suddenly "falling in love" with a girl that is nothing like me two days later. It hurts, and it sucks. And dammit if I have to keep praying about attempting to not let it bother me... I will anyway, but I just wish it weren't an issue. I trust in God with all my heart and if things are in his will to be done, as long as I make the choices that are godly and wise things will turn out alright.... right now I just can't seem to completely overpower the heartache.

Ever since God plucked Marshall out of the way really amazing things have been happening. I have a job (or rather two), I'm teaching Russian to elementary school kids, I'm building a positive relationship with my German Department head who used to frighten me a lot (it was all in my head). And I've been comfortable in my own skin, seeing good friends, meeting some interesting people. I really do feel like Marshall was simply in the way. And when I saw him at the movies on Saturday night I was livid as hell. I wanted nothing more than to bash his head through the window he was sitting in front of. He couldn't even look at me. And I think what ultimately pissed me off is that he will NEVER apologize to me. I find myself in a constant personal battle: One day it'll be his fault for being a selfish, ignorant, asshole.. and the next day it'll be my fault for loving him so hard and pushing him away and constantly being upset with him for not being the boyfriend I wanted....

And with that I've had to become content with being single and not making a relationship my primary focus because every time I put my hands on something like that, it rots in the palms of my hands. I smile when my friends tell me of their adventures and desires for a partner, ranging from "I need some action" to "I'm ready for a ____friend now." It's cute. And it makes me wish I was where they were from time to time, because I've come to one very daunting surreal conclusion- I want to get married.

It's been one of those things that I can't fight anymore. I think of how I was when I was fooling around with guys and realized it wasn't working. I think of how much work and energy and love I put into being with Marshall... and I compare that to what my friends believe, and what Marshall used to say to me that always started arguments.... I am basically ready to be with someone for the rest of my life. And I should kinda take note that perhaps God, by taking out my distractions, by allowing me to love Him as much as I want, is preparing me for the very thing I've been ready for, for quite some time now. I'm sure He is okay with me being sad and heartbroken, it's hard not to be, but I feel like there is something in the works, and I have no idea what it is. I just have to be patient and trusting. Which is becoming easier by the day.

In other news, this kid that I know who is a friend of mine (he's older than I am, but he's still a kid to me) really set me off with a two day argument about the bible, God, and what I'm doing with it. I've decided that I have had lots of experiences and have plenty more to go in my life and there is NEVER a need to defend my faith, or the bible because they defend themselves. I've decided that I have no reason to listen to people who HAVE NEVER experienced... much of anything. Don't talk to me about my sex life if you've never had sex. Don't talk to me about managing money if you've never worked a day in your life. Don't talk to me about faith if you barely trust the very source from which your faith is derived. I know that I'll be faced with tough conversations throughout my life while being a Christian, but I'm surely going to pick and choose my battles and just not give a damn about what people feel the need to say about my faith personally. Because the bottom line is, they don't know anything. I just needed to get that out there because the next time it happens, I'll have to put my Christianity on the side and duke it out hard core. I don't enjoy fighting (verbally or physically) unless it's absolutely necessary. I'm asking people kindly to not make it necessary. Period.

Waking up early and getting to bed early is really amazing. Nothing good happens after 1 AM for me and waking up at 7:30AM helps me get things done.

Kabuto ga ni Kodai no Sakana

I'm not sure what it means, but it's the song I was listening to when I started this.

I'm in my dorm now and I really like the way it's turned out. I still have my German research paper to write, but I think I'll have it done by Saturday no later. This whole healing process has been pretty good. I'm not beating myself up, or letting the memories and thoughts trigger an emotional response. I've been spending time with friends and praying and being positive. That's really been helping. I'm really happy because I've talked to my friends about my new found Faith and they have been very sweet and supportive of me... not something I was expecting initially.

I'm looking forward to this fall and all the opportunities it has in store for me. I'm actually the least stressed out I've probably ever been in my whole life. I most certainly appreciate this peace, especially considering how I still don't have a fall schedule on top of other things that troubled me all summer. But I'm alright. It feels good to just be alright. I got my wisdom tooth out! No more summer tooth infections! The whole operation made me SOOOO glad I wasn't getting more then one out. I learned I'm not as tough as I think I am.... and that's okay too lol.

The only real battles I've been fighting personally have been the ones with myself (surprise surprise) with my esteem. The confidence is coming along rather nicely, but myself image goes up and down like a pulse reading image. Some times I feel super amazingly beautiful in all my plain and simpleness, and other times I go outside and see gorgeous girls that look nothing like me and feel defeated. It's a nasty battle and I feel like the only way I'm going to win this is if my steady rising confidence simply continues to rise... I figure eventually self comparisons won't be an issue. I think God is preparing me for something. I'm not sure what, but I think the way I see myself is going to play a little piece in it because it's been a faint yet persistent thought in my mind.

I think this is the first post I've made where there wasn't some intense or minor drama overwhelming my thought process. I like it a lot! I'm calm and collected for once. I know I'm a mess, but I'm alright with it and it's not taking me over. What else can I write about?

My baptism has been postponed to this Sunday! I'm still excited. And still nervous hehe. I'm making gumbo probably tonight for the first time on my own... and I have officially found myself reaching so I'll wait until next Thursday when things might seem more interesting :)

I feel good about everything... and though I may have ups and downs I know that this feeling will be my stasis from now on...

Trying

Phew.... wow.... ooops lol

I feel fantastic. I am a Christian officially. I have given my life to God and I can breathe ... finally.

Marshall was a mistake that I made just before I was about to make this decision. I realize now that this is what I always wanted. And Marshall was my excuse not to since we had had sex before the summer. I thought I enjoyed my sex life enough to let it slide.... And then he hurt me deeply enough for me to realize that I have nothing. I don't belong to myself, I've been taking care of myself so much for so long that I finally reached a point of just being tired. Tired of the pain, tired of the disappointment that I bring upon myself, tired of the people that I give my heart and soul to only for them to leave me the first chance they get.

I have chosen to give my heart to someone that will never leave me. He will not abandon me. I think of that and smile to the point of tears. He will carry the burden of my worries and problems so that I don't have to anymore. I realized that all I ever wanted to do was to love someone... Love someone with all my heart and soul and never have to question it. Marshall was the last human being for me to attempt this and failed... My own mother even failed to meet this need to let me love her without question... God is the only thing in my life that I can love so much with all of me and He. Will. Not. Leave.

Record timing in recovering from such a blow. It still stings a little, but I am so happy. I'm getting baptized this Sunday at someone's home. I'm excited, but I'm so scared... mostly of screwing up. But I was reassured that I will screw up so much in my life, but if I choose to walk with God like I intend then I will be met with twice as many blessings. I've got a lot to learn and I want to. I'm ready for a change. I just have to get my brain to get out of performance pressure mode and just live. A clean conscience and a freedom to be happy with my choices is what I'm after especially since I realize that I just wasn't happy.

At all.

Especially in my relationships.

I'm going to be alright. I've got to work and be diligent and just be myself. I'll be fine.

"Well let me be the first to say that I- don't have a clue. I don't have all the answers. In God I'll pretend like I do, Just trying- to find my way... Just trying to find my way- the best that I know how."

Chicken Biryani

My mind is pretty blown from my thoughts this week.

My wisdom tooth infection is healed up and and the tooth extraction will be taking place in August. I am truly grateful.

Marshall and I have been doing alright. I still have yet to see him, but I think the complete separation gave me a lot of good perspectives. I think we're going to do a lot better this time around.

Right now the Chicken Biryani dish that I helped Lani prepare is baking in the oven as I write.

My biggest concern really is that I stand in a very peculiar spiritual point in my life. I am on the border of considering being a devout Christian... but I cannot bring myself to be totally genuine and accepting enough to be a part of that faith. I am thrown off entirely because of my ideas and thoughts on abortion, homosexuality, and sex in general. Ha I guess those are the ones that always throw people off if they discover some form of spirituality post experience. Overall I think the teachings of love and innocence gained and regained through Christ are amazing. But...
I explained it to John before dinner yesterday with this analogy:

Say I had a few brothers and sisters (I'm an only child) and one of my brothers just happened to be homosexual and my mother, deeming him simply as an abomination, kicks him out of our home and separates us siblings from him... even though I don't see him as an abomination, he is my brother who I love dearly no matter what. But I am supposed to accept that fact the he is an abomination because he selfishly chose to be in a way that disrupts the natural order of the world.

This is exactly how I feel about the referenced Kingdom of God that I've heard a bit about growing up. What hurts my heart even more is knowing the homosexuals that do love Jesus, and God and his words of love... even though he will never accept them as his children.... PEOPLE GO TO COUNSELING FOR THIS AND ARE SCARRED FOR LIFE WHEN PARENTS DO THIS EVEN WHEN THEY ARE HETEROSEXUAL. This is another reason why I have found it hard to see God as a parental figure... because based on my experience parents can be wrong... and that's hard.

My counselor has talked me through it a little, I've calmed down a bit because it really was overwhelming me for a while. I'm almost completely certain that I don't want to be embraced into a Kingdom where the people I know are loving and beautiful and genuine are cast out because of who they choose to love and care about. I would be a liar from day one if I said that I've chosen Christ as my savior. And what's even worse is that all the stuff that I disagree with in this gospel are all things that have nothing to do with me, sans my sex life in general [fornication out of wedlock is a sin you know ;-) ].

Yet this is where I find myself on the very line between faith and just being loved by the God that found me. I don't know where that leaves me. I don't know if there is an after life for me to look forward too... I'm beginning to feel like this is the only life we have and what we do here now will simply affect those we leave behind. My belief in God has not wavered, I know that there is evil and pain and suffering and I know that it sometimes can be treated with knowledge, understanding, HONESTY and love.

Lesson: Lying to yourself and living in a bullshit light is not an option if you want that weight lifted. I've learned that God can only be reached when there is an open mind and heart for him to enter. And people can, have and will go all there life without ever knowing if he's truly there. But if their strife and pain and confusion can be healed by another mean that isn't fake, bogus or a result of total dependency from something in this world (because things on this planet never last) then who can say what they choose is wrong? This is something that won't leave me for a long time, but I'm also learning to be brave enough to choose and trust my actions and accept the consequences good or bad.

Another really hard problem I've been dealing with is talking to my friends about any of this. Not having a religion makes it even more difficult haha. Whenever my friends tell me about something incredibly difficult about a break up that's left them torn, or a need for something that can't be met, I have to bite my tongue to a great degree to keep from telling them that there is a God that loves them the way no one else ever could. There is an entity that wants nothing but good things for you, you just have to be open enough to believe it. And it sucks because i was right where they were 4 months ago. My neo-family suggests that I hang around a different crowd, but why? Why should I stop having my awesome friends because I found something that they don't have?....

I don't know how I feel about that previous question...