When My Soul Takes a Drink

I went to a retreat this past weekend with my church. It was so simple. We were in Melrose for about 3 days, which is just outside of Gainseville. The camp was small, but big. I'll do my best to recap all the things that happened.

Thursday 23rd

I went to class and hung out with people in between my (now) two classes; I dropped my Russian class that had successfully overworked me. I went and picked up Jacob and we drove back to my house after a run to publix. Just before that I got a text from Brandon about getting a ride with him his wife and best of all their son Aiden! I don't think I felt that randomly excited about seeing a baby before. Maybe it was because I had been wanting to text them and ask how he was doing since last I heard he wasn't feeling so great. Well upon going home I packed my junk and drove over to Brandon and Betsy's house to park my car (my window on the driver side won't go up the inch and half it needs to be sealed from the rain >.<) We didn't leave til a bit late since I was craving a burger. While we were driving I dug myself into a stupid text conversation with Truelove, and then eventually tried to fall asleep... And Aiden had gotten hungry. We stopped at two gas stations (the first was closed) to try to give him warm food. Among all this (because he cried for more than half the trip) I found myself being woken out of dead sleep a few times, but although I could feel a hint of agitation building up somewhere in me, it was consistently overwhelmed by this sense of duty... Duty to Aiden that is. I tried to comfort him as best I could while he was strapped into his seat and many times I was so tempted to take him out, but thought better of it (for obvious reasons). I think what makes this such a big deal is that I couldn't recognize where I got that ability to pick-up this understanding of loving someone so much because I had no choice if I actually wanted to make them happy. Not even having boyfriends could get that kind of true love and duty out of me. God surprises me with myself. We get there and I'm roomed with Emily and Amanda and I just want to sleep. It finally happens with some tuning out with my mp3 player. Then at 1AM we all get moved to another room because we were in the wrong one! lol Good times. It was the best sleep I had in a long time because I was just so worn out!

Friday 24th

8AM Breakfast

9AM Devotional Time

10AM Worship Service

12PM Lunch

1PM Nap

2PM Fooseball, but no one was there! *sad face* I just wandered around and hung out with people in the Nursery. (Maybe I like babies more than I thought)

4PM Planning Project, I thought I'd be stressed out about this project because that's how I normally get when I go out of town when something is due. But nope no pressure... in fact I learned something about myself.

It came up while listening to Brandon Heath's song Trust You. It was like the song was telling on me and I started to cry. Mainly in regards to the whole Truelove thing. I realized that the main reason that I was (and might still be) hooked on this guy was because of the intense connection that I have with him because we had had sex. Even if it was over a year ago, even if it was a short lived fling, the emotional, physical, mental and spiritual connection I have to him still existed. And by trying to rid myself of it and get over that on my own I was sinning against God. Sex is a creation that He deemed to be a certain way for me to enjoy that includes the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual connecting to someone; and to think that I could somehow sever those ties that I created because I had abused such a gift in my past is ridiculous. I kept asking God to help me break myself of those ties when in reality He is the only one that can sever and heal that part of my life. By trying to force myself out of a connection with Truelove I had only given myself to the problem and focused my energy on controlling something I have no control over. And I repented then and there. Then Leah came in and offered me peanut butter and nutella sandwiches. I had thought she told me to meet her somewhere else and I wandered around the camp for a long while looking for her, only to discover after about 15 minutes that she was in my room the whole time.

6PM Dinner

7-9PM I watched babies in the Nursery with Lara. Again babies! lol But it was fun hanging out with William and Sam and watching them play and consoling Noah who was horrendously upset! The girls faired rather well though. Elizabeth, Lara's daughter, and Eliana, Allie were pretty good not being around their parents. Aiden was good once he had some toys that caught his interest. I ended that sitting session consoling Taylor who crying in her crib and it was really cool having her fall asleep in my arms even if it only lasted for about 2 minutes. She was nestled into my chest and was so still and content. I guess I never thought of myself as much of a good maternal figure (in my own mind ha!)

9-10PM I went to the campfire and had s'more around the camp fire. Devin picked on me about my umbrella not opening and Angel tried to help me get it open. Pretty funny endeavor. Then I had hoped to go to bed, but I hung out with Sally and talked to her about current events. I hope that she knew that I was listening. I was so tired that my posture wasn't great, but watching her hoola hoop in a crowded room was pretty cool.

Saturday 25th

8AM Breakfast

9AM Devotional Time (which wasn't much of one because of older ladies talking about Yoga and the camps history, and then little kids storming the next place I sat at with Mike sitting at the other end of the building. then I went to the chapel and hung out waiting for the 10AM meeting and listened to Heather practice for worship. She's awesome. I love her voice.

10AM Morning Meeting with Raymond

12PM Lunch Where i talked to Abraham, Jerusha and Martin's son.

1PM-4PM Played a half game of fooseball since it was happening earlier than expected. I'm still thinking of playing soccer this year. I need to get back into running once I get better shoes. Then I changed into my swim shorts, borrowed from Brent, and went out to the lake. And some how I ended up going with Amanda, Hannah, Mariah, Addie, and Jason on a boat for tubing. I was the last one to go because I had never gone before and was a little worried, but it turned out to be so much fun! The boat drivers name was Kyle. Then I hung out and waded around in the lake with all those out there. Josh and I got into a water tossing match that was fun. I hung out with Christi who enjoyed having the weight of the twins off of her just a little while. Then I walked toward my dorm, but stopped to talk to Alicia, Kim and Renee while Kim was getting Eliana ready for the lake. Then Jacob came up with the golf cart and I convinced him to take me to my dorm since I didn't have my shoes near me. I went back to my room showered and worked on my project a little more.

6PM Dinner

7PM Evening Meeting; Sally wrote a song from Psalm 52 and performed it with Christine and Jamie.

9-11PM Again I wanted to go to bed early, but not when you're bunking with a ton o' girls! I listened to Emily receive some tooth brushing and flossing advice, and I think in my own insecurity and preconceived notions I laughed it off, maybe harder than I needed to. Something I'll have to look at my heart at with God and sift through. Then Emily, Sally and I had a sweet time hanging out with Jerusha who is truly amazing. She is a woman of God and someone to be respected. She talked to us about personal girl and guy things that were very useful and helpful. And she encouraged Emily with her fiancée who is recently a man of God himself. Then she was informed about Michaela and Kurt being engaged and explaining why Lindsey hadn't come to the retreat too! Lots of wisdom was shared from her that night. It was sweet. Then afterwards Jamie and Amanda had come back and we all went to bad, but not before hearing Jamie's your mom jokes aimed at Emily and giggling like school girls for about an hour.

Sunday 26th

8AM Breakfast

9AM Genesis and Abraham got baptized! Praise God! It was amazing. Watching their father was in tears while in prayer afterward, it was a glorious thing to see. It made me think of when I got baptized. It's really awesome to watch someone announce to the world that they are choosing to walk with Jesus.

10AM Meeting; The kids put on a great performance lead by Molly. Favorite line, taken out of context, but it truly was like a drink to my soul:

"We were created for God to get to know and enjoy us and God created us for us to love and enjoy Him." This may be a paraphrase, but I'll fix it once I get it right. I felt this amazing wave of joy and relief fall over me.

12PM Lunch

So here are some things I came away with:

1) I'm much more quiet than normal; I don't know what that's a product of. I described it to Aaron before as all the stuff that I learned is coming through and entering into me like water through a Brita filter. Nothing is being filtered out per se, all the messages are just sinking in slowly

2) Internet and phone usage has dropped tremendously. It's nice to say I'll only be on Facebook for 10 minutes and be done in four. Or not check my phone ever 2 minutes even when no one has called me. I feel less like a slave to those things.

3) I pray more. I hadn't realized how much talking to God I don't do. I need to be talking to Him about everything, and normally if I'm not talking to Him about something I'm probably being negligent or trying to control it. He's got my back. It's nice for me to act like it.

4) I'm feeling more adult. Or at least a bit more... more of something that I have a poor amount of language knowledge to explain. It's nice though. On top of not worrying about anything.

The Bigger Person

I'm always interested when I find that the things I help others with spiritually are the very issues that I look into deeply after the conversation is done or the issues that I dealt with just before talking to them about it. It's so sweet to watch the way my words make someone smile or remain quiet... it let's me know that it's getting through... and it's not me who's getting through, but the very power that gave me words to begin with.

Anyway.

HOLY COW, man! Everyone I know is dating someone! It's the craziest thing lol. Everyone I know personally is dating someone. And it seems like the "cuddle weather" has made it's way to everyone. Apparently I'm handling all this pretty well. Probably because my mom was in town and all kinds of ugly emotions and stuff came up... I shouldn't be surprised I suppose I can never be around her without SOMETHING going wrong.

I described it to Lani as "It's like when we're around each other it's a truck hitting a brick wall." All hell breaks loose and some type of drama occurs in different variations. This time Aigo (our dog/oldest pit) and Diamond (neighbors dog/younger rotweiler) fought and Aigo killed Diamond. Now mum has to put Aigo to sleep. She found all this out after our church service at Ryan and Rachel's and.... ugh. She howled... she didn't jut cry she was in so much pain she howled outside on Sunday morning. And it's because the dogs are all she has and now that she's lost two of them essentially she's frustrated and heartbroken.

And then there is my non-sympathetic logical side that's like, well it was going to happen anyway and I feel completely embarrassed. And embarrassment really is my natural response to my mother when she's around other people I know. And it's because... because I'm smarter than she is. And she's a lot dumber than I ever thought she was. Lani says it's because there is a time in people's lives when they just checkout... They decide that at a point they'll just stop and reading books, critical thinking and difficult problem solving just stop and that's where people will remain for the rest of their lives. And they'll spend their time just going to work and sitting in front of the TV... or watching movies. He also explained that my moms mentality is something that's been around since probably before I was born... otherwise "[I] wouldn't have been touched. [I] would have been protected."

So now I'm just stuck. I understand that my mother isn't stupid... just ignorant. And I understand that I will always have to be the adult in situations, but I guess I'm struggling with the fact that I don't WANT to be the bigger person every time. I want to be loved on, I want motherly love and protection that I can't give myself. Growing up was so fucked up without any real guidance or intelligent input from my biological family I've had to do it on my own. It's kind of unfair.

But I guess that's what God is here for... it's the reason He's been here from the beginning and will be until the end. And I need to allow him to heal the parts in which my mom couldn't fulfill and love others, even my own children, the way that others hadn't loved me for a vast portion of my life. I suppose this is a more important lesson than how to fix my ideas on my non-existent love life. I'm becoming content with not being smooched on I guess. And seeing other people happy... makes me happy for them. Even if I don't know every situation it's nice to assume the best in people.

"Thread it to forget it, to feel like you've already gone to the rest of the life that you've got. Tie the loose ends, bury it all away, just like this... Just like this"

Fucking Head Phones

I stepped on them about half an hour ago, and I tried to fix them but gave up and decided to throw them out. They reminded me of Marshall anyway so whatever.

I want to scream, am I allowed to scream? GOD PLEASE LET ME SCREAM.

I need to clean my room, I need to do my economics homework, I need to GET THE FUCK OVER MARSHALL FOR GOOD. I saw him the night before Halloween with the girl he left me for. He seems happy enough. And of course all of my esteem issues multiplied. I was even nice to him... until I said:

"I can understand if you're not going to apologize to me, but the offer to be friends is still there... and I feel better telling you that in person."

I am the WORST liar. I'm still sad and heartbroken and pissed off. I still haven't forgiven him for not being a man about the whole situation and telling me to my face rather than come on my birthday to make himself feel less like shit at the end of the day. Ugh. I saw him again yesterday in his car. He drives like shit and his car is awful. But I bet he's really fuckin happy now that he and his "LOVE" are hanging out more often.

I feel terrible. Every single time something hasn't worked out with a guy it's been my fault. I just want to know what's wrong with me already. When will a man find me worth pursuing. Why am I the root of all of these relationship things falling apart. I'm just so tired. And sick... and tired of not being pretty enough, not being smart enough, not being laid back enough, not being whatever enough to be what someone wants. I give my all and I get it handed right back to me with foot prints and spit all over it. WHEN WILL I EVER BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR SOMEONE.

And then I have people tell me I'm too good for whoever has broken my heart. Well it sure as hell doesn't feel like it. Speaking of people telling me things, I am actually not totally okay with people laughing at my problems when they are fairly serious to me, I'm not okay with being told I'm young and inexperienced by people who aren't so that's why I'm having the problems I have, because you know, that really fucking helps me get over whatever problem I have. I'm glad asking EFM if he would consider a relationship with me had to be the final step to overcome my issue instead of just being told to pray about it and that I'll get over it. I'm happy your marriages and relationships are so wonderful and that you don't have to worry about stuff like that anymore. Your words are kindly appreciated. And by the way he said he prefers that we be friends.

Also I'm kinda wearing thin. I love my friends, but it's really hard being the one who has to reach out all the time. My Christian friends are honestly the main people who most frequently text me and invite me to hang out with them and the only ones really who open their arms and have time for me. And their are some friendships I have with people who aren't that are really just starting to aggravate me and make me give up. I don't want to lose patience. I want to love people and be their for them, but I guess the selfish part of me wants the same love in return... but it's not something I can expect from people with different concepts of life than I do.

I hate feeling afraid to talk to people because I run the risk of sounding like a whiny twenty something brat. Why can't I just fucking blow off some steam and be pissed off without someone telling me I have no right to be? (because 9 times out of 10 I don't? I really can't vouch for that) Am I not allowed to cut people off when they've crossed a very serious line? When they've effortlessly abuse my kindness? When they insist that I'm a fucking doormat? What do I do? What can I do? I just want to walk away from a few things and not feel convicted... will I feel convicted? If I'm not then should I be? UGH

I want to scream. Can I scream? God please let me scream..... but I won't.

Oh and mom.... I didn't even WANT to get started on that. Mother dearest is coming up soon in a couple of weeks. And guess what?! She's dating JD again! :D Isn't that fucking exciting!? And you want to know why? Even after she claimed that she was done and over it. After we talked about her and her relationship with God... Want to know why she chose to take him back? - because she decided to "let go, and let God" with that came the thinking that if something were to ever happen to her, I'd be in school and she'd only have Grandma and Grandpa. She and JD talked and it made sense for her to be with him.... so what the fuck am I? Just this ultimately selfish person... her only daughter who would never dream of taking time out of her life to take care of her? For fuck sake did I leave that kind of impression on her? Does she not trust me to be there for her in her time of greatest need? She'd trust someone whose cheated on her and been imprisoned a number of times over me? What fucking planet am i on? Obviously where I stand in her life hasn't changed that much since I was six. There will always be someone higher than me in her life... there always has been. I should be used to it by now, but apparently I'm not.

There something interesting posted. Maybe I'll look back on this and realize how fucking petty and annoying I sound... before someone else gets to tell me.

I want to scream, can I scream? God please please please let me scream... but I won't.

Teeth

Yes I still miss Marshall. No he hasn't called nor will he ever call.

New topic.

So my wisdom tooth has been kicking my butt since Monday! I've been attacking it with Hydrogen Peroxide, IB Profen, Garlic (crazy I know) and in the late night when it wakes me out of a dead sleep, prayer. Truth be told none of those have been helping all that much -1 . And this morning had me revisiting my O-so-wonderful childhood and made me further reconsider the whole "handing the reigns over to God" concept I've been battling over for a bit.

So I've been waking up a bit later these past few days (Later being 8:30am - 9:ooam as opposed to 7:15am- 7:45am) I blame the acetaminophen which has been my friend since the tooth pain started. Today I was up around 8:30 and I went up stairs to begin the battle that is brushing my teeth while having an abscessed tooth. I used mouthwash, brushed, rinsed, used hydrogen peroxide, rinsed, done. But some expression on my face when I walked into the kitchen prompted Lani (my roommate/head of the household) to have my attention and ask "What's up with that tooth?" And in a swift two minutes of concerned chatter and me explaining how I can't do anything due to my lack of knowledge of my insurance/funding, he dictated his next actions which included getting phone numbers and making calls to see a dentist. I just stood there in the middle of the kitchen feeling so weird. Then Lani called me over to sit next to him and held me as I began to cry.

I cried because for ONCE I felt like someone cared more about me than money. Someone didn't scold me for wanting some form of medical attention or tell me that the physical problems I had weren't a big deal. My mom, though she may never admit it, made me feel awful whenever I made hint at wanting to go see a doctor. Though she went to the doctor for nearly every problem she's had (and she's had many a surgery and doctor visits in her time.) I mean not to speak poorly of my mother, but she basically came off to me as selfish in that realm. And due to this and many other issues I've had with her in my life I've grown to try to do everything on my own. Living in the Peck House has been having me consider otherwise.

"Giving is easy, but Receiving is the hard part."

The paraphrased lesson that Lani mentioned in his wonderful Pastoral way. After spending another Sunday evening with my good friend (almost sister figure) Traci, our deep discussions made me try to figure out further how I should view the God that had shown himself to me back in May. Right now, he has been a very close, understanding friend with an INCREDIBLE sense of humor. Master? Not so much. Father? I've never had one to know, but I have such a low view of fathers that I wouldn't bother insulting any being with that view. I speak so causally about God because I still don't know how to understand him (and if you're a good friend of mine you're probably throwing in that he/she/it factor whenever you read "he" in this... for now give it a rest) But in talking to Traci about how I view him, I recalled saying how I just find it so peculiar that people just give their problems to him... I've been holding the reigns on my life for a long time. I don't give myself a lot of credit because I have had help, but overall I've dictated a lot of things in my life. The very idea of me giving the reigns to God is so... daunting to me... And I can see myself constantly asking for them back haha. But Lani telling me that he was going to get me to a doctor because I had an EMERGENCY and him calling and setting the appointment when I hadn't asked him to and me having my insurance cards ready (apparently they took it! Who knew?) Made me realize that I really had been doing things by myself and made me realize that I did like help and appreicated someone else caring so deeply about me beyond giving me rides to school and useless pep talks. Maybe the God I'm speaking to is listening to me... Maybe the God I'm getting to know is loving and wants what's best for me... I'm sure there are many ways to learn and experience his true identity, but honestly I'm still fearful of tacking on a religion to such a vast being in my life.

Talking to John (my other roommate) brought up a very interesting concept that's been doting at me for a day or so now. I told him that I found it hard to be a part of a religion because there are so many people out there that are so strong and devout to their religion and their God as much as I simply believe in God alone. And he explained, not in great detail, that God created ways of communicating with different people and that for the most part religions generally run along the same format, a monotheistic God and a disciple of sorts who is the key to communicating with God and helping those who sin find peace. Not his exact words, but that was the gist. He also suggested I read Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis, so I might be looking through my old book collection when I return to SoFl.

Whether I take the Christian route is tough to say. I wouldn't say that I'm being defiant as much as I am being cautious. But I will say that I'm beginning to find out a lot about myself by living in this little house.

Hopefully by next Monday I'll have date for my tooth to get extracted.

1. I take it back... prayer did help...

Peculiar Freedom

So I was dating this guy who I call Marshall (that's his last name) and I felt horrible after the break up. -1

rvbgirl4711 (2:18:26 PM): oh yeah. I mean it's nothing bad. basically I felt like i was dictating the relationship and he seemed to make it clear that he wasn't in this for the long haul and I called him up on the 4th and told him that I didn't think we could work out
rvbgirl4711 (2:18:36 PM): I faced a lot of underlying stuff
rvbgirl4711 (2:18:41 PM): but now I'm okay.
rvbgirl4711 (2:18:53 PM): And he's been ignoring me but his excuse is that he's trying to decide what to say
rvbgirl4711 (2:19:41 PM): it's not his fault.
rvbgirl4711 (2:19:55 PM): I really felt like i was pressuring him and making him be in a relationship he wasn't ready for.
rvbgirl4711 (2:20:44 PM): and I'm not mad at him. I still love him. And if ever decides that he wants to give it another try then I'm open for it. But it's taken me a lot to just realize that it's HIS issue to deal with and not mine. I've come to grips with where my heart lies... he just needs to come his

Well that was about 3 days after I called him and broke it off. I still felt pretty disgusted by my decision. And I caught wind of something on the Monday after the 4th that made for an interesting one-on-one counseling session the following day... From that I came up with this conclusion

rvbgirl4711 (9:53:52 AM):but basically I realized that I have a ridiculous weakness toward men. While i'm entering and within a situation I let guys run the show even when i don't like it
rvbgirl4711 (9:54:06 AM):which is why me choosing to break up with Marshall was such a huge deal for me
rvbgirl4711 (9:56:52 AM):yeah. It was always strange because after the situation [with other guys] was over I grew from it and learned from it, but in the next new situation I was right back where I started. Feeling like I wanted something that wasn't making me happy and trying to be patient hoping the situation would change... a lot like how it used to be with my mom. I would want a real mother-daughter relationship with her and she'd fail me every time, but i couldn't let it go

It may not seem like much, but this minute realization made a world of difference on my heart. The only other time I was growing out of the idea of being in a situation that wasn't making me happy was when I finally decided (on July 4th 2008 funny enough) to break up with my ex of five years. Although that situation was a gateway into another crappy situation with this kid Adam, it really was the first time i realized "Hey! I don't need to be with someone just because it's all I know. I DON'T need someone who doesn't need me or want me!"

It's taken a bit for me to regain that sense with other men, but this was absolutely huge for me. This is the first time since the little window between this guy who stepped on me (and there were many who did in the 08-09 school year) and me dating Marshall that I've felt wholly comfortable being single. And this is the second time in my life I've left a bad/odd situation with a guy and thought "I'm going to hang out with my friends! Fuck it!" It's so liberating! I have people in my life who love me. And I'm growing to feel foolish whenever I become wrapped up in someone who ultimately doesn't make me happy because I lose sight of my positive friendships and opportunities to surround myself with good people.

Signs that a relationship isn't working includes:

• Staying up late hoping he calls
• Having to convince him to stay in touch with you more
• Knowing that he wouldn't put nearly as much effort into seeing you (in long distance relationships) as you would put into seeing him
• Listening to him tell you in ANY way that he doesn't see a future with you
• Realizing that you're arguing with yourself when you're pointing out how insensitive he can be
• Feeling like you're waiting for him to change his mind
• When you are basically bullshitting yourself thinking the relationship is totally fine
  

And this goes for fellas who are in similar situations. I refuse to be in a relationship with someone who isn't looking at least a few steps ahead with me. Not that I'm trying to entrap them into marriage and kids and all that, but at least understand my goals in life and my desires from the relationship over a long period of time. Two years is not long for me at all.

But this freedom, this joy, this happiness I'm feeling without a boyfriend/fling/lover or whatever you want to call it... It's overwhelming, yet less stressful and I feel like I'm readying myself for someone that DOES want me the same way I would want them. And it's fantastic. I called myself beautiful today.

And I believed it.

1. Every word of this held true. Marshall and I (as of July 17th) have decided to give it another go. I have agreed to approach him with less co-dependence and not nearly as high expectations as I did before on the condition that he'd simply try. I still feel this freedom for myself, I'm just learning to apply it in any situation I'm in. If things don't work out still then I'll be ready for it. He's a great guy, and I just need to be patient with him. I think he's worth it and I feel like he's willing to try. He may not say it but he really appreciates me and he really likes me... he's just... a guy...