When My Soul Takes a Drink

I went to a retreat this past weekend with my church. It was so simple. We were in Melrose for about 3 days, which is just outside of Gainseville. The camp was small, but big. I'll do my best to recap all the things that happened.

Thursday 23rd

I went to class and hung out with people in between my (now) two classes; I dropped my Russian class that had successfully overworked me. I went and picked up Jacob and we drove back to my house after a run to publix. Just before that I got a text from Brandon about getting a ride with him his wife and best of all their son Aiden! I don't think I felt that randomly excited about seeing a baby before. Maybe it was because I had been wanting to text them and ask how he was doing since last I heard he wasn't feeling so great. Well upon going home I packed my junk and drove over to Brandon and Betsy's house to park my car (my window on the driver side won't go up the inch and half it needs to be sealed from the rain >.<) We didn't leave til a bit late since I was craving a burger. While we were driving I dug myself into a stupid text conversation with Truelove, and then eventually tried to fall asleep... And Aiden had gotten hungry. We stopped at two gas stations (the first was closed) to try to give him warm food. Among all this (because he cried for more than half the trip) I found myself being woken out of dead sleep a few times, but although I could feel a hint of agitation building up somewhere in me, it was consistently overwhelmed by this sense of duty... Duty to Aiden that is. I tried to comfort him as best I could while he was strapped into his seat and many times I was so tempted to take him out, but thought better of it (for obvious reasons). I think what makes this such a big deal is that I couldn't recognize where I got that ability to pick-up this understanding of loving someone so much because I had no choice if I actually wanted to make them happy. Not even having boyfriends could get that kind of true love and duty out of me. God surprises me with myself. We get there and I'm roomed with Emily and Amanda and I just want to sleep. It finally happens with some tuning out with my mp3 player. Then at 1AM we all get moved to another room because we were in the wrong one! lol Good times. It was the best sleep I had in a long time because I was just so worn out!

Friday 24th

8AM Breakfast

9AM Devotional Time

10AM Worship Service

12PM Lunch

1PM Nap

2PM Fooseball, but no one was there! *sad face* I just wandered around and hung out with people in the Nursery. (Maybe I like babies more than I thought)

4PM Planning Project, I thought I'd be stressed out about this project because that's how I normally get when I go out of town when something is due. But nope no pressure... in fact I learned something about myself.

It came up while listening to Brandon Heath's song Trust You. It was like the song was telling on me and I started to cry. Mainly in regards to the whole Truelove thing. I realized that the main reason that I was (and might still be) hooked on this guy was because of the intense connection that I have with him because we had had sex. Even if it was over a year ago, even if it was a short lived fling, the emotional, physical, mental and spiritual connection I have to him still existed. And by trying to rid myself of it and get over that on my own I was sinning against God. Sex is a creation that He deemed to be a certain way for me to enjoy that includes the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual connecting to someone; and to think that I could somehow sever those ties that I created because I had abused such a gift in my past is ridiculous. I kept asking God to help me break myself of those ties when in reality He is the only one that can sever and heal that part of my life. By trying to force myself out of a connection with Truelove I had only given myself to the problem and focused my energy on controlling something I have no control over. And I repented then and there. Then Leah came in and offered me peanut butter and nutella sandwiches. I had thought she told me to meet her somewhere else and I wandered around the camp for a long while looking for her, only to discover after about 15 minutes that she was in my room the whole time.

6PM Dinner

7-9PM I watched babies in the Nursery with Lara. Again babies! lol But it was fun hanging out with William and Sam and watching them play and consoling Noah who was horrendously upset! The girls faired rather well though. Elizabeth, Lara's daughter, and Eliana, Allie were pretty good not being around their parents. Aiden was good once he had some toys that caught his interest. I ended that sitting session consoling Taylor who crying in her crib and it was really cool having her fall asleep in my arms even if it only lasted for about 2 minutes. She was nestled into my chest and was so still and content. I guess I never thought of myself as much of a good maternal figure (in my own mind ha!)

9-10PM I went to the campfire and had s'more around the camp fire. Devin picked on me about my umbrella not opening and Angel tried to help me get it open. Pretty funny endeavor. Then I had hoped to go to bed, but I hung out with Sally and talked to her about current events. I hope that she knew that I was listening. I was so tired that my posture wasn't great, but watching her hoola hoop in a crowded room was pretty cool.

Saturday 25th

8AM Breakfast

9AM Devotional Time (which wasn't much of one because of older ladies talking about Yoga and the camps history, and then little kids storming the next place I sat at with Mike sitting at the other end of the building. then I went to the chapel and hung out waiting for the 10AM meeting and listened to Heather practice for worship. She's awesome. I love her voice.

10AM Morning Meeting with Raymond

12PM Lunch Where i talked to Abraham, Jerusha and Martin's son.

1PM-4PM Played a half game of fooseball since it was happening earlier than expected. I'm still thinking of playing soccer this year. I need to get back into running once I get better shoes. Then I changed into my swim shorts, borrowed from Brent, and went out to the lake. And some how I ended up going with Amanda, Hannah, Mariah, Addie, and Jason on a boat for tubing. I was the last one to go because I had never gone before and was a little worried, but it turned out to be so much fun! The boat drivers name was Kyle. Then I hung out and waded around in the lake with all those out there. Josh and I got into a water tossing match that was fun. I hung out with Christi who enjoyed having the weight of the twins off of her just a little while. Then I walked toward my dorm, but stopped to talk to Alicia, Kim and Renee while Kim was getting Eliana ready for the lake. Then Jacob came up with the golf cart and I convinced him to take me to my dorm since I didn't have my shoes near me. I went back to my room showered and worked on my project a little more.

6PM Dinner

7PM Evening Meeting; Sally wrote a song from Psalm 52 and performed it with Christine and Jamie.

9-11PM Again I wanted to go to bed early, but not when you're bunking with a ton o' girls! I listened to Emily receive some tooth brushing and flossing advice, and I think in my own insecurity and preconceived notions I laughed it off, maybe harder than I needed to. Something I'll have to look at my heart at with God and sift through. Then Emily, Sally and I had a sweet time hanging out with Jerusha who is truly amazing. She is a woman of God and someone to be respected. She talked to us about personal girl and guy things that were very useful and helpful. And she encouraged Emily with her fiancée who is recently a man of God himself. Then she was informed about Michaela and Kurt being engaged and explaining why Lindsey hadn't come to the retreat too! Lots of wisdom was shared from her that night. It was sweet. Then afterwards Jamie and Amanda had come back and we all went to bad, but not before hearing Jamie's your mom jokes aimed at Emily and giggling like school girls for about an hour.

Sunday 26th

8AM Breakfast

9AM Genesis and Abraham got baptized! Praise God! It was amazing. Watching their father was in tears while in prayer afterward, it was a glorious thing to see. It made me think of when I got baptized. It's really awesome to watch someone announce to the world that they are choosing to walk with Jesus.

10AM Meeting; The kids put on a great performance lead by Molly. Favorite line, taken out of context, but it truly was like a drink to my soul:

"We were created for God to get to know and enjoy us and God created us for us to love and enjoy Him." This may be a paraphrase, but I'll fix it once I get it right. I felt this amazing wave of joy and relief fall over me.

12PM Lunch

So here are some things I came away with:

1) I'm much more quiet than normal; I don't know what that's a product of. I described it to Aaron before as all the stuff that I learned is coming through and entering into me like water through a Brita filter. Nothing is being filtered out per se, all the messages are just sinking in slowly

2) Internet and phone usage has dropped tremendously. It's nice to say I'll only be on Facebook for 10 minutes and be done in four. Or not check my phone ever 2 minutes even when no one has called me. I feel less like a slave to those things.

3) I pray more. I hadn't realized how much talking to God I don't do. I need to be talking to Him about everything, and normally if I'm not talking to Him about something I'm probably being negligent or trying to control it. He's got my back. It's nice for me to act like it.

4) I'm feeling more adult. Or at least a bit more... more of something that I have a poor amount of language knowledge to explain. It's nice though. On top of not worrying about anything.

Alive and Kicking

Non point was an excellent way to top off the Spring Semester. I'll admit I'm pretty jealous that the graduating seniors got a speech from the lead singer. It was pretty fantastic.

Last night I got a full idea of the kind of power I have within a group of people. People always told me that my personality is rather striking. (this is me paraphrasing of course) I can light up a room without trying or bring down the mood if I'm not careful and paying attention. I went to this concert alone and met a group of people that were very chill... and more than likely very spiritually lost. It didn't matter I just hung out with them and smiled and was positive. I kept being nice and friendly to the surrounding people around me and it turned out to be a good time. I got two numbers from two guys. Apparently I leave an impression on people. The most amazing thing I felt while in this concert setting was this overwhelming respect I received from the guys that were taking notice in me. They at the most ONLY dreamed of placing their arm around me or getting fresh with me in any regard. I felt like my attitude and confidence set the tone for how they were going to treat me even the way I dressed which was normal and not sexualized. It was a rather beautiful display for me. If God was trying to show me the new me in such a setting He made me blush with a good modesty.

So I rocked out, had fun, met some very sweet people and I finally get to settle down and just focus on packing for Russia and unpacking in my new permanent home. Russia will be good for me. Living with the Peck's will be good for me. I'm learning to kinda just give everything to God. Including love interests, homework problems, frustrations with people... all of it. I'm learning all to quickly that if I don't let it go now it'll just fester and bite me back in the end. I was told that my mood is very powerful too... and I'm responsible for it since it does affect other people as drastically as it does. Maybe that's what I was putting to work by not creeping off to myself and being the strange lone dog at the show....

Let's see how I do in Russia when I leave this Wednesday...

"What's wrong with me? You wanna know what's wrong with me... I could ask you the EXACT same thing."

To Russia... 2

Holy cow! I really really wish that I had about 3 more weeks added on to this semester! But I'll be okay as long as I stay disciplined. So far so good.

I've been staying at Lani and Renee's quite a bit since it seems to be the only place where I can sleep. Being in my dorm is simply no longer enticing. It's not as quiet as I once thought it was it would seem. I've been waking up earlier and the commute to school is proving to not be as much of a hassle as I thought. I like being awake in the mornings. I feel useful.

My hair. There is a subject I don't talk a lot about given the name of this thing. My hair is awesome. It's so long now and I seem to refuse to give it the credit it deserves. I can put my hair in a pony tail and not have to bobby pin the whole thing. I can wear my hair out for days and watch as it gets bigger and bigger. People play with my hair at any given moment which I know for some is blasphemy, but for me it's a complete complement. No one really wanted to touch it before. It's pretty awesome to watch how I've been finding ways to limit my time in the shower. I'm getting really good at this. I used to take about a 20 to 40 minutes in the shower with detangling and what not, and that was a step down from two showers because of DTing! But now it's about 15 minutes not even to shower and wash my hair and I all of my detangling out of the shower. Saving time, money and water. Although recently I've been having issues with dry scalp which is never good. My scalp started to develop some scabs I think or at least high levels of irritation. I couldn't tell. I think washing and messaging with water has been the most help with that. Huh... feels good to be writing about this again. But now I'll have to admit I was absolutely obsessed in the beginning.

I've been good about not adding boys to my list of attractions recently. I'm proud of myself. Lots of cute guys too. I'm becoming impressed with myself. This sexual healing bible study I've been doing has really helped me to relax. I've come to (one of many) conclusion(s) that my trust in God will reflect how I will react to dealing with the opposite gender. I'm finally beginning to trust Him and His work through me is showing. I think I'm awesome now. I think I'm attractive, I think I look great (I've been working out lately it's part of my discipline.), all these things I once needed a guy for I no longer have pressure about. It's a beautiful thing not wanting to be with someone as if it's something necessary. Maybe that will help me with my fear of settling.

I leave for Russia in a matter of weeks. How frightening! I'm excited since I know there are a few Christians coming along with me on the trip. That helps me feel safer and less alone spiritually at least. I want to take pictures, I want to see the sites, I want to learn the language! Everything my heart has been set on is finally coming into play... I need to write down what I pray for. Sometimes I forget and I don't realize that it's something that I had wanted for long time. I'm getting this. I'm going. God has allowed it. I hope He has blessed it. I'm excited.

Getting Out

I hope to look back on this blog years later and want to delete a lot of the stuff that I wrote especially thinking back now just how incredibly stupid I've been. Things that I worried about, things that I've stressed about. I hope to look back and "burn" all the pages written by the troubled girl I once was.

Not that i think I'm any better now. Even now as I type this I'm stuck in my own head. I have troubles and inner feelings of discomfort and aggravation that are mainly present because of one very consistent problem that I have... The inability to let it go. I used to be infuriated with the very idea. But back then my mother was telling me to let go of six years of abuse by my uncle without apology or care. The unrighteousnesses of it all was enough to drive anyone without God to hatred and wrath. But now.... *sigh* now it's over stupid acquaintance/boy stuff. I deleted some people from my facebook. Kevin and Musca being among them. I had really hoped Kevin would have been willing to be a good friend to me, but instead he just chose to ignore me... even after telling me he wasn't going to disappear... even after saying that he loved me like a sister. It's heart breaking actually. Since even for a little time I thought he'd be a friend at the very basic sense of the word... maybe me being saddened by the whole thing isn't stupid boy stuff. It's a wake up call that just makes me want to cry. Well... glad that's over and done.

Musca is incredibly obvious. Apparently even when your 25 you still determine to ignore girls that you ultimately know you're not going to end up sleeping with. Surprise surprise. I just want to be friends with people that love Jesus already! Is that so hard to come across? Why yes, actually. The world sits in the lap of the evil one. Those who follow God are sore thumbs which the world openly intends to suppress. I'm not sure if this is how Traci feels, but I have a strong desire to leave Florida... but not without Church family.

Sometimes I wonder if my desire to travel and go abroad was something set on my heart by God or something that I'm using to avoid pains (not so much responsibility) I don't regret coming to FSU, but romantically I'm so tainted here. It shows within me when I walk outside and I feel so immensely unattractive. I'm so thankful that I'm finally officially not wanting a relationship, but it's because I'm sick of the obsessions I put myself through. Yet all of this wouldn't really change if went somewhere else... it would be like a clean slate of new people for me to screw everything up again either way.

I need to get out of my own head.

I need to let God speak instead of giving so much room to the gray voice... the voice that I'm realizing spouts bad things about me I wouldn't normally think. The one that thinks I'm stupid, the one that thinks I'm not pretty, the one that thinks I'm fat the one that thinks that I can't do anything right, the one that makes me question my worth as a woman, the one that makes me think of how worthless I am because of my skin color. The same voice that makes me think God is out to get me and punish me for nothing. Lies. Every last one of those is a lie. I'm going to trust God. I'm going to trust him through the promise through Jesus that He gave to me and everyone else.

On the grand scheme, Death will be over come, Life will be given and the Lord I've come to know and love will reign supreme.

How can I be defeated by the world when I have that kind of promise?

"My God He was, my God He is, my God He's always gonna be."

I'm on Fire

Reading my last post completely embarrasses me. I'm tempted to delete it, but I think I'm going to keep it for a little while. And maybe do some editing to it of things that I've learned and realized now that I'm not hyper emotionally involved.

I'm pretty convinced that God has set up a method with me to deal with things. He isolates the problem for me... makes it stick out like a sore thumb, so I have no choice, but to deal with it. I could be wrong. And I don't think He has set me up to fail. But I have a number of choices when guy stuff comes up. Only when God is involved I actually have two. His way or my way.

It's never been so ridiculously apparent that I have crazy issues when it comes to the opposite gender! It's never been so in my face and frequented until now. I guess I can't say that it's never been a problem, but it has never been a problem that's stood out so intensely as it has been recently. I felt the same thing when I was dealing with having to love people that I don't like (i.e. stupid, ignorant, or selfish people). It was a pretty powerful thing I dealt with then too. So now I'm having to keep my eye-candy search in check. Otherwise I'll end up with another 'Musca situation', which is a recent name for the type of situation that I've always dealt with from guys in college.

I started this sexual healing bible study. It's forced me to begin this really hard process of having a real relationship with God. The book is so small, but it's packed with such powerful realizations. What makes the relationship aspect so difficult is having to let go and/or completely confess to the things I will never be proud of, never be able to fully explain to anyone, and things that I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to be forgiven for. It's daunting. But I do have to remember that I am forgiven and in order to heal I need to lay it all on the table. So far so good

"I'm standing on the edge of me,

I'm standing on the edge of everything I've never been before"

Almost

This spring break is awesome. Good music, good friends (for the most part), video gaming, and plenty of sleep. It's fun seeing how relaxing can truly transform you when you're out of the chaotic elements of life.

Lani got back last night and we went to a coffee shop today. I was trying not to eye the cute guy at the coffee shop, because that's what I do haha. But I remember drinking my cappuccino and thinking more and more how much I don't really care to be in a relationship with someone.... It was pretty cool. It was a peaceful calming thought...

I almost managed to grab a hold of it and then somehow I slipped back into the wanting to be married thing and I felt temporarily defeated! How close I was to being completely okay with being single!!! Gah! I think it stemmed from me seeing the pictures in the coffee shop; images of a missions trip perhaps in India where young people were spending time with the kids and it was pretty amazing. I thought about Grad school... and potentially joining the peace corp as a part of my degree. I was telling someone about how I could easily end up in Africa with my future Planning experience, but I genuinely found myself being worried about things like not having the conditioner I need for my hair and warm water and such things that aren't important really, just things that I'm used to having available to me... But lately I've eased up on the idea that I could still end up there... or anywhere else for that matter. The whole thing in my mind turned into me just needing to be available to go where I need to go... and guys just weren't a part of that plan- and for once in my mind that was alright.

I'm almost there. I would really like to get there it would be really liberating I think... Well back to work.

To Russia

"It's a life long journey to get one person to believe that your faith in God is real."

My mom said that to me earlier this afternoon when I told her about this person I know who called my intentions for following God selfish because of the aspect I gain of everlasting life. The argument just made me realize and love how strong my faith in God is and how selfish it isn't. I've prayed about it and I've forgiven him... but the fact that someone could be so ignorant to God's love astounds me... and the comments still sting a little apparently.

I've been thinking a lot about that. Selfishness. And how it's pointed out in me. I'm beginning to figure out the difference between whether what I desire is selfish or if what I desire can be determined by me and in turn be trusted in God's hands. I am learning not to live for the flesh but for God, but I think I'm getting it confused with what me wanting to do things and feeling like God has to "tell" me whether it's okay for me to want to do things. So to exercise the fact that I am allowed to want things I have decided that Russia is most certainly on my "To Do List"

I'm hoping to go to Moscow over the summer for six weeks and have the time of my life and learn all kinds of new things. Except learning to like mineral water (or Gas water) that crap is terrible :P lol I'm also considering a new course of graduate studies: Urban and Regional Planning. I realized that I'm really forcing myself to do economics and I'm going to give regional planning a try to see if I can find a genuine interest in it. I'll know by senior year I guess.

On the guy front I think I've finally let it go. All of it... all of them. EFM still remains a hopeless case for me. I almost asked him out in the library the other day. I forced and prayed myself out of it. It was during the time of the struggle of wanting what I want and wanting what God wants. And in the end I'm sure he would have said 'no' anyway (and that's not me being all emo about it). J.B. is such a strange strange case. I think I'm better off not considering any romantic relations since I know I can get wrapped up in them. I want feelings to be mutual and I don't want to have to feel like I need to do something in order to make it happen. It's not about me.

I'm milking my resources pretty intensely these days. I became bold and e-mailed my employer from the UCC and asked her if I could work in the club, but doing something else. I want a job (that whole selfishness and learning to give it to God thing) so I've been randomly applying to different places. I'm going to keep trying. There is no point in forcing myself to do things I don't want to do right? So why not do the things that you want to do (while not obsessing)?

I'm going to clean my room... I might actually go to bed early this time