Whenever I think about writing this entry I have the perfect opening and the right things to say. Then my day continues and I completely lose it all and decide not to write at all. I've decided to just go through with it anyway.
I've been convicted on many things since my last post. My being judgmental, harsh and critical, my deep seed to want to manipulate guys to get their attention even for a short while (just about the base reason for all my guy problems I've ever mentioned), my thought life and how that translates to how I respond to things, my lack of prayer and submission to God for all things in my life, my self-deception, my pride...
The last two weeks have been work to say the least. A lot of this confrontation started with this old journal I found that I've had since middle school. A little purple book with a flower on it with pages I had written when I was as young as 16, maybe? Lot's of scary thoughts I had when I was younger, song tabs I wrote and dated memories. I ripped all the pages out half intending to throw them away and half intending to sort through and keep some things... But I decided to use the newly blank journal as a prayer journal. Writing down names of people and stuff to pray for them specifically. I started it in my car one morning when I showed up really early and after writing it down I sat there and prayed out loud everything I had written. Some of the prayers turned into more beautiful topics for God to hear. It was liberating and the more I began to pray for me, the more I came to realize the majority of the things I listed earlier about myself. In all this prayer and all this realization I've also come to terms with what it means to be imperfect, what it means to need to the grace of God and what it means to be okay with not being or reaching perfection as long as I have this body and walk on this earth. This brought to the forefront why prayer is so important and why God needs to know my heart and I need to use my words and tell Him what He already knows, but will not touch unless I say them myself. In my weakness He is made strong and therefore His strength makes me stronger. This backward frame of logic finally started to sink in and I repent for my lack of prayer everyday... I repent with prayer for anyone and everyone and by asking what God's will is for me and what I can do to love with His love.
So since my last entry I've been through a lot. It's safe for me to say that my tension involving my erm... members has been kept under control and has been submitted entirely to God's hands. In fact a recent occurrence has lead me to believe that my husband is coming. Basically, God has told me "he's coming." I've decided to not let the thought go any further (even if for brief instances it already has). It's God's thing and all I can do is pray and wait until its fruition. It's pretty interesting timing, I'd like to mention because this was right after I'd begun to prayerfully unearth all my issues I had been holding back. In time also in the midst of my praying about my guy manipulation all of my emotions and feelings regarding certain guys have faded. I sat and had lunch with one guy who told me he didn't see us going any further because our faith was so different. Well, duh- but I was glad he was able to say what I knew months ago, but toyed around with. And a really good friend who I've had feelings for for quite a while came into town and my love for him as a person and for his soul trumped anything else I'd ever had for him. I had for him the kind of love that was perfected in my knowing and loving Jesus. I've been praying for him ever since then. It has been freeing to be content with being single, being okay with severing those emotional ties to men and simply relaxing in God's rest. So of course my husband is coming. Right as I've grown into being comfortable single. However the fun part is that I have no idea when. It could be years from now. It could be tomorrow. I get to sit here and be single and love God until he shows up. Then I'll love God and have the man God prepared me to be with. I'll take it.
"All these things about me,
You never can tell"
Showing posts with label Romantic Love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Romantic Love. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Getting What I Wanted
Sometimes it just sucks to think about being me.
I'm doing quite well. My health seems steady, classes are interesting, I'll be teaching at an elementary school this semester which I'm super excited about. And overall things are going exceptionally well. I finally got baptized on Sunday and it's only been a few days, but my relationship with God is so sweet and He has blessed many of my situations already.
Now for the icky stuff.
Last time I wrote about self issues that I took notice of and realized I needed to make sure that myself image shapes up. I had a conversation with a good friend of mine and it opened up a wound I was trying so hard to ignore and yesterday morning it hit me like a ton of bricks until I wrote it out:
"I am embarrassed at times for being a darker skinned female with afro hair because i go for men who are typically of opposite description and they often reject me for girls the opposite of me (typically white with long hair)"
After I wrote it down during class and read it over (I only had to troubles listed) I looked at it... decided it was retarded and was finally able to focus. I don't necessarily think I was ignoring the issue so much as just needing to get it out on paper so I could stop making it my primary focus. And of course it's dumb because it's not like I can suddenly become this fair skinned blond straight haired barbie doll. But I guess the ultimate question is if I could... would I?
Marshall breaking up with me... no.... cheating on me with another girl I think has just pushed up a lot of inner feelings I've had about myself that I've been trying to defeat. I know I shouldn't be harping on him or what he's done, but it's really hard when I semi-anticipate this happening EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Not simply being cheated on, but having a guy that I'm interested who is either a lighter complexion than I am or white just becoming disinterested in me for whatever reason and suddenly "falling in love" with a girl that is nothing like me two days later. It hurts, and it sucks. And dammit if I have to keep praying about attempting to not let it bother me... I will anyway, but I just wish it weren't an issue. I trust in God with all my heart and if things are in his will to be done, as long as I make the choices that are godly and wise things will turn out alright.... right now I just can't seem to completely overpower the heartache.
Ever since God plucked Marshall out of the way really amazing things have been happening. I have a job (or rather two), I'm teaching Russian to elementary school kids, I'm building a positive relationship with my German Department head who used to frighten me a lot (it was all in my head). And I've been comfortable in my own skin, seeing good friends, meeting some interesting people. I really do feel like Marshall was simply in the way. And when I saw him at the movies on Saturday night I was livid as hell. I wanted nothing more than to bash his head through the window he was sitting in front of. He couldn't even look at me. And I think what ultimately pissed me off is that he will NEVER apologize to me. I find myself in a constant personal battle: One day it'll be his fault for being a selfish, ignorant, asshole.. and the next day it'll be my fault for loving him so hard and pushing him away and constantly being upset with him for not being the boyfriend I wanted....
And with that I've had to become content with being single and not making a relationship my primary focus because every time I put my hands on something like that, it rots in the palms of my hands. I smile when my friends tell me of their adventures and desires for a partner, ranging from "I need some action" to "I'm ready for a ____friend now." It's cute. And it makes me wish I was where they were from time to time, because I've come to one very daunting surreal conclusion- I want to get married.
It's been one of those things that I can't fight anymore. I think of how I was when I was fooling around with guys and realized it wasn't working. I think of how much work and energy and love I put into being with Marshall... and I compare that to what my friends believe, and what Marshall used to say to me that always started arguments.... I am basically ready to be with someone for the rest of my life. And I should kinda take note that perhaps God, by taking out my distractions, by allowing me to love Him as much as I want, is preparing me for the very thing I've been ready for, for quite some time now. I'm sure He is okay with me being sad and heartbroken, it's hard not to be, but I feel like there is something in the works, and I have no idea what it is. I just have to be patient and trusting. Which is becoming easier by the day.
In other news, this kid that I know who is a friend of mine (he's older than I am, but he's still a kid to me) really set me off with a two day argument about the bible, God, and what I'm doing with it. I've decided that I have had lots of experiences and have plenty more to go in my life and there is NEVER a need to defend my faith, or the bible because they defend themselves. I've decided that I have no reason to listen to people who HAVE NEVER experienced... much of anything. Don't talk to me about my sex life if you've never had sex. Don't talk to me about managing money if you've never worked a day in your life. Don't talk to me about faith if you barely trust the very source from which your faith is derived. I know that I'll be faced with tough conversations throughout my life while being a Christian, but I'm surely going to pick and choose my battles and just not give a damn about what people feel the need to say about my faith personally. Because the bottom line is, they don't know anything. I just needed to get that out there because the next time it happens, I'll have to put my Christianity on the side and duke it out hard core. I don't enjoy fighting (verbally or physically) unless it's absolutely necessary. I'm asking people kindly to not make it necessary. Period.
Waking up early and getting to bed early is really amazing. Nothing good happens after 1 AM for me and waking up at 7:30AM helps me get things done.
I'm doing quite well. My health seems steady, classes are interesting, I'll be teaching at an elementary school this semester which I'm super excited about. And overall things are going exceptionally well. I finally got baptized on Sunday and it's only been a few days, but my relationship with God is so sweet and He has blessed many of my situations already.
Now for the icky stuff.
Last time I wrote about self issues that I took notice of and realized I needed to make sure that myself image shapes up. I had a conversation with a good friend of mine and it opened up a wound I was trying so hard to ignore and yesterday morning it hit me like a ton of bricks until I wrote it out:
"I am embarrassed at times for being a darker skinned female with afro hair because i go for men who are typically of opposite description and they often reject me for girls the opposite of me (typically white with long hair)"
After I wrote it down during class and read it over (I only had to troubles listed) I looked at it... decided it was retarded and was finally able to focus. I don't necessarily think I was ignoring the issue so much as just needing to get it out on paper so I could stop making it my primary focus. And of course it's dumb because it's not like I can suddenly become this fair skinned blond straight haired barbie doll. But I guess the ultimate question is if I could... would I?
Marshall breaking up with me... no.... cheating on me with another girl I think has just pushed up a lot of inner feelings I've had about myself that I've been trying to defeat. I know I shouldn't be harping on him or what he's done, but it's really hard when I semi-anticipate this happening EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Not simply being cheated on, but having a guy that I'm interested who is either a lighter complexion than I am or white just becoming disinterested in me for whatever reason and suddenly "falling in love" with a girl that is nothing like me two days later. It hurts, and it sucks. And dammit if I have to keep praying about attempting to not let it bother me... I will anyway, but I just wish it weren't an issue. I trust in God with all my heart and if things are in his will to be done, as long as I make the choices that are godly and wise things will turn out alright.... right now I just can't seem to completely overpower the heartache.
Ever since God plucked Marshall out of the way really amazing things have been happening. I have a job (or rather two), I'm teaching Russian to elementary school kids, I'm building a positive relationship with my German Department head who used to frighten me a lot (it was all in my head). And I've been comfortable in my own skin, seeing good friends, meeting some interesting people. I really do feel like Marshall was simply in the way. And when I saw him at the movies on Saturday night I was livid as hell. I wanted nothing more than to bash his head through the window he was sitting in front of. He couldn't even look at me. And I think what ultimately pissed me off is that he will NEVER apologize to me. I find myself in a constant personal battle: One day it'll be his fault for being a selfish, ignorant, asshole.. and the next day it'll be my fault for loving him so hard and pushing him away and constantly being upset with him for not being the boyfriend I wanted....
And with that I've had to become content with being single and not making a relationship my primary focus because every time I put my hands on something like that, it rots in the palms of my hands. I smile when my friends tell me of their adventures and desires for a partner, ranging from "I need some action" to "I'm ready for a ____friend now." It's cute. And it makes me wish I was where they were from time to time, because I've come to one very daunting surreal conclusion- I want to get married.
It's been one of those things that I can't fight anymore. I think of how I was when I was fooling around with guys and realized it wasn't working. I think of how much work and energy and love I put into being with Marshall... and I compare that to what my friends believe, and what Marshall used to say to me that always started arguments.... I am basically ready to be with someone for the rest of my life. And I should kinda take note that perhaps God, by taking out my distractions, by allowing me to love Him as much as I want, is preparing me for the very thing I've been ready for, for quite some time now. I'm sure He is okay with me being sad and heartbroken, it's hard not to be, but I feel like there is something in the works, and I have no idea what it is. I just have to be patient and trusting. Which is becoming easier by the day.
In other news, this kid that I know who is a friend of mine (he's older than I am, but he's still a kid to me) really set me off with a two day argument about the bible, God, and what I'm doing with it. I've decided that I have had lots of experiences and have plenty more to go in my life and there is NEVER a need to defend my faith, or the bible because they defend themselves. I've decided that I have no reason to listen to people who HAVE NEVER experienced... much of anything. Don't talk to me about my sex life if you've never had sex. Don't talk to me about managing money if you've never worked a day in your life. Don't talk to me about faith if you barely trust the very source from which your faith is derived. I know that I'll be faced with tough conversations throughout my life while being a Christian, but I'm surely going to pick and choose my battles and just not give a damn about what people feel the need to say about my faith personally. Because the bottom line is, they don't know anything. I just needed to get that out there because the next time it happens, I'll have to put my Christianity on the side and duke it out hard core. I don't enjoy fighting (verbally or physically) unless it's absolutely necessary. I'm asking people kindly to not make it necessary. Period.
Waking up early and getting to bed early is really amazing. Nothing good happens after 1 AM for me and waking up at 7:30AM helps me get things done.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Hot Flash
HE WAS CHEATING ON ME THE WHOLE TIME. I JUST FOUND OUT YESTERDAY MORNING (August 11/12) I AM ANGRY HURT SAD GRATEFUL AND JUST PLAIN PISSED. I LOVED HIM WITH ALL MY HEART AND HE BETRAYED MY TRUST.... I'M SO DISGUSTED I CAN BARELY KEEP FROM CRYING SOMETIMES... But... God loves me.
So to everyone who was wondering if Marshall would be able to make up for the crummy summer time that we've been having... Yes, yes he did.
Yesterday, August 5th was my 20th birthday. Marshall came by pretty late in the afternoon, but I went with him to his new apartment complex, we went to visit our friends' new house, then went to a very nice dinner at a place called Cypress. I really made myself look silly from time to time. I'm not the super sophisticated refined type, I don't go out to super nice restaurants very often so i felt kind of embarassed when he'd call me out on goofy things I was doing. And he made me so nervous! ugh! I never get all shy and bashful around people, especially him! I don't know why I get that way. Then after that we went to see this movie Funny People but not before randomly going for a walk around the mall area. During the movie (which I thought was pretty good) I started getting really hot, like I couldn't even sit close to Marshall anymore because I felt like I was on fire. On the way back to our friends house he had the air on full blast, and the windows down and I was still super hot. He said I was having hot flashes jokingly, but I knew he was getting worried. I didn't know what was going on and so I decided to have water and take a shower at Gresko and Strouss'. It really helped and for about 10 minutes me and Marshall just sat and watched TV until he decided it was time for him to go home. When he dropped me off we quarreled for a bit like we always do, but right before I got out of the car we kissed... and it reminded me of everything I felt before the summer and how real it was.
And despite all this I'm still worried about us. Maybe it's just me missing him and being afraid that he'll change his mind about me. Maybe it's my irrationality making up things in my head and assuming that this separation made him do things that he would never admit to me... But at dinner he told me about his ventures with his female friends I think I asked him if he did anything questionable, and he asked "How nervous should I make you?" and I asked "How nervous should I be?" his response? "Not at all." I know he's attractive and I know he's got a tons of girl-friends is it not natural to be jealous? Or concerned? I kinda wish I'd get over being so nervous about everything with us. He's with me, he wants me, and I just can't seem to realize it.
He held my hand the first chance he got when I got in his car, and everything in his car reminded me of everything I missed about him when he first left for Crestview. I think I'm so tainted with the last year of things going so wrong I'm just really afraid that he's going to change his mind, or express the exact same affections toward someone else. I need to give him more credit. And overall I need to relax. He's wonderful and I appreciate him. It started out weird, but I think we're going to be alright. I just miss him so much.
I had to make myself not tell him that I love him last night. It was really hard.
So to everyone who was wondering if Marshall would be able to make up for the crummy summer time that we've been having... Yes, yes he did.
Yesterday, August 5th was my 20th birthday. Marshall came by pretty late in the afternoon, but I went with him to his new apartment complex, we went to visit our friends' new house, then went to a very nice dinner at a place called Cypress. I really made myself look silly from time to time. I'm not the super sophisticated refined type, I don't go out to super nice restaurants very often so i felt kind of embarassed when he'd call me out on goofy things I was doing. And he made me so nervous! ugh! I never get all shy and bashful around people, especially him! I don't know why I get that way. Then after that we went to see this movie Funny People but not before randomly going for a walk around the mall area. During the movie (which I thought was pretty good) I started getting really hot, like I couldn't even sit close to Marshall anymore because I felt like I was on fire. On the way back to our friends house he had the air on full blast, and the windows down and I was still super hot. He said I was having hot flashes jokingly, but I knew he was getting worried. I didn't know what was going on and so I decided to have water and take a shower at Gresko and Strouss'. It really helped and for about 10 minutes me and Marshall just sat and watched TV until he decided it was time for him to go home. When he dropped me off we quarreled for a bit like we always do, but right before I got out of the car we kissed... and it reminded me of everything I felt before the summer and how real it was.
And despite all this I'm still worried about us. Maybe it's just me missing him and being afraid that he'll change his mind about me. Maybe it's my irrationality making up things in my head and assuming that this separation made him do things that he would never admit to me... But at dinner he told me about his ventures with his female friends I think I asked him if he did anything questionable, and he asked "How nervous should I make you?" and I asked "How nervous should I be?" his response? "Not at all." I know he's attractive and I know he's got a tons of girl-friends is it not natural to be jealous? Or concerned? I kinda wish I'd get over being so nervous about everything with us. He's with me, he wants me, and I just can't seem to realize it.
He held my hand the first chance he got when I got in his car, and everything in his car reminded me of everything I missed about him when he first left for Crestview. I think I'm so tainted with the last year of things going so wrong I'm just really afraid that he's going to change his mind, or express the exact same affections toward someone else. I need to give him more credit. And overall I need to relax. He's wonderful and I appreciate him. It started out weird, but I think we're going to be alright. I just miss him so much.
I had to make myself not tell him that I love him last night. It was really hard.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Gogol Bordello
I wrote this on Thursday the 30th before getting on the Greyhound in Orlando, so I've been diligent!
Weaknesses are pretty amazing. Mine just happen to include amazing music (Goo Goo Dolls, Chevelle, Gogol Bordello, 10 years), dancing, singing aloud, and a man who can utilize all three to make me happy without ever needing to land a single kiss.
The concert was absolutely amazing. Kevin was going to make his way down to the pit, and Kayla made mention to me that she wanted to head down and I just went along being totally complacent with whatever they wanted to do. And the mayhem ensued and I fell in love with the band over and over and over again.
And then Think Locally Fuck Globally was being played. And I felt the incredible urge to find a guy to waltz in the pit with… and boy did I ever pick a guy to dance with. It was totally random and he just became my dance partner a few songs later. And his name is Mike *face palm* We sang and danced and just had an absolute blast. He’s fluent in French (wtf!?), incredibly smart (turned down Columbia and Harvard ), super handsome, hot and used to be in a rock band, and he likes rap (…what?). And he is perhaps among the most incredibly sweet men I’ve ever come across. There were many times he could have made a move on me or vice versa and we both remained respectful (I told him about Marshall). But he definitely made me realize that Marshall really has some work to do to keep me. Mike GB (Mike from Gogol Bordello concert) gave me a lot of hope that not all men are dick heads. We hung out the next day and I felt everything that I wanted from Marshall… And began to question whether or not I’d ever be able to have it. Mike GB is probably a player of sorts, but he’s very good at keeping his composure as a gentlemen. I probably would have done something stupid if I weren’t hell bent keeping myself for people who are going to be with me (Marshall has me all the way). I just wish I didn’t have so much doubt about Marshall and I. Is it bad that I think that Mike GB would probably keep in contact with me more than Marshall would in a given week?
I understand that they are both guys and that I shouldn’t live in la-la land thinking of a guy that I’ll probably never see again and that I probably shouldn’t waste my time on a guy who isn’t willing to give me as much energy as I’m giving him. But dammit do I find myself in the predicament. It’ll go away eventually. Stupid boy weakness.
He told me I was beautiful and he thinks my hair is unique. I will most likely never see him again… probably by choice- don’t know if I could bare it.
Weaknesses are pretty amazing. Mine just happen to include amazing music (Goo Goo Dolls, Chevelle, Gogol Bordello, 10 years), dancing, singing aloud, and a man who can utilize all three to make me happy without ever needing to land a single kiss.
The concert was absolutely amazing. Kevin was going to make his way down to the pit, and Kayla made mention to me that she wanted to head down and I just went along being totally complacent with whatever they wanted to do. And the mayhem ensued and I fell in love with the band over and over and over again.
And then Think Locally Fuck Globally was being played. And I felt the incredible urge to find a guy to waltz in the pit with… and boy did I ever pick a guy to dance with. It was totally random and he just became my dance partner a few songs later. And his name is Mike *face palm* We sang and danced and just had an absolute blast. He’s fluent in French (wtf!?), incredibly smart (turned down Columbia and Harvard ), super handsome, hot and used to be in a rock band, and he likes rap (…what?). And he is perhaps among the most incredibly sweet men I’ve ever come across. There were many times he could have made a move on me or vice versa and we both remained respectful (I told him about Marshall). But he definitely made me realize that Marshall really has some work to do to keep me. Mike GB (Mike from Gogol Bordello concert) gave me a lot of hope that not all men are dick heads. We hung out the next day and I felt everything that I wanted from Marshall… And began to question whether or not I’d ever be able to have it. Mike GB is probably a player of sorts, but he’s very good at keeping his composure as a gentlemen. I probably would have done something stupid if I weren’t hell bent keeping myself for people who are going to be with me (Marshall has me all the way). I just wish I didn’t have so much doubt about Marshall and I. Is it bad that I think that Mike GB would probably keep in contact with me more than Marshall would in a given week?
I understand that they are both guys and that I shouldn’t live in la-la land thinking of a guy that I’ll probably never see again and that I probably shouldn’t waste my time on a guy who isn’t willing to give me as much energy as I’m giving him. But dammit do I find myself in the predicament. It’ll go away eventually. Stupid boy weakness.
He told me I was beautiful and he thinks my hair is unique. I will most likely never see him again… probably by choice- don’t know if I could bare it.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Peculiar Freedom
So I was dating this guy who I call Marshall (that's his last name) and I felt horrible after the break up. -1
rvbgirl4711 (2:18:26 PM): oh yeah. I mean it's nothing bad. basically I felt like i was dictating the relationship and he seemed to make it clear that he wasn't in this for the long haul and I called him up on the 4th and told him that I didn't think we could work out
rvbgirl4711 (2:18:36 PM): I faced a lot of underlying stuff
rvbgirl4711 (2:18:41 PM): but now I'm okay.
rvbgirl4711 (2:18:53 PM): And he's been ignoring me but his excuse is that he's trying to decide what to say
rvbgirl4711 (2:19:41 PM): it's not his fault.
rvbgirl4711 (2:19:55 PM): I really felt like i was pressuring him and making him be in a relationship he wasn't ready for.
rvbgirl4711 (2:20:44 PM): and I'm not mad at him. I still love him. And if ever decides that he wants to give it another try then I'm open for it. But it's taken me a lot to just realize that it's HIS issue to deal with and not mine. I've come to grips with where my heart lies... he just needs to come his
Well that was about 3 days after I called him and broke it off. I still felt pretty disgusted by my decision. And I caught wind of something on the Monday after the 4th that made for an interesting one-on-one counseling session the following day... From that I came up with this conclusion
rvbgirl4711 (9:53:52 AM):but basically I realized that I have a ridiculous weakness toward men. While i'm entering and within a situation I let guys run the show even when i don't like it
rvbgirl4711 (9:54:06 AM):which is why me choosing to break up with Marshall was such a huge deal for me
rvbgirl4711 (9:56:52 AM):yeah. It was always strange because after the situation [with other guys] was over I grew from it and learned from it, but in the next new situation I was right back where I started. Feeling like I wanted something that wasn't making me happy and trying to be patient hoping the situation would change... a lot like how it used to be with my mom. I would want a real mother-daughter relationship with her and she'd fail me every time, but i couldn't let it go
It may not seem like much, but this minute realization made a world of difference on my heart. The only other time I was growing out of the idea of being in a situation that wasn't making me happy was when I finally decided (on July 4th 2008 funny enough) to break up with my ex of five years. Although that situation was a gateway into another crappy situation with this kid Adam, it really was the first time i realized "Hey! I don't need to be with someone just because it's all I know. I DON'T need someone who doesn't need me or want me!"
It's taken a bit for me to regain that sense with other men, but this was absolutely huge for me. This is the first time since the little window between this guy who stepped on me (and there were many who did in the 08-09 school year) and me dating Marshall that I've felt wholly comfortable being single. And this is the second time in my life I've left a bad/odd situation with a guy and thought "I'm going to hang out with my friends! Fuck it!" It's so liberating! I have people in my life who love me. And I'm growing to feel foolish whenever I become wrapped up in someone who ultimately doesn't make me happy because I lose sight of my positive friendships and opportunities to surround myself with good people.
Signs that a relationship isn't working includes:
But this freedom, this joy, this happiness I'm feeling without a boyfriend/fling/lover or whatever you want to call it... It's overwhelming, yet less stressful and I feel like I'm readying myself for someone that DOES want me the same way I would want them. And it's fantastic. I called myself beautiful today.
And I believed it.
1. Every word of this held true. Marshall and I (as of July 17th) have decided to give it another go. I have agreed to approach him with less co-dependence and not nearly as high expectations as I did before on the condition that he'd simply try. I still feel this freedom for myself, I'm just learning to apply it in any situation I'm in. If things don't work out still then I'll be ready for it. He's a great guy, and I just need to be patient with him. I think he's worth it and I feel like he's willing to try. He may not say it but he really appreciates me and he really likes me... he's just... a guy...
rvbgirl4711 (2:18:26 PM): oh yeah. I mean it's nothing bad. basically I felt like i was dictating the relationship and he seemed to make it clear that he wasn't in this for the long haul and I called him up on the 4th and told him that I didn't think we could work out
rvbgirl4711 (2:18:36 PM): I faced a lot of underlying stuff
rvbgirl4711 (2:18:41 PM): but now I'm okay.
rvbgirl4711 (2:18:53 PM): And he's been ignoring me but his excuse is that he's trying to decide what to say
rvbgirl4711 (2:19:41 PM): it's not his fault.
rvbgirl4711 (2:19:55 PM): I really felt like i was pressuring him and making him be in a relationship he wasn't ready for.
rvbgirl4711 (2:20:44 PM): and I'm not mad at him. I still love him. And if ever decides that he wants to give it another try then I'm open for it. But it's taken me a lot to just realize that it's HIS issue to deal with and not mine. I've come to grips with where my heart lies... he just needs to come his
Well that was about 3 days after I called him and broke it off. I still felt pretty disgusted by my decision. And I caught wind of something on the Monday after the 4th that made for an interesting one-on-one counseling session the following day... From that I came up with this conclusion
rvbgirl4711 (9:53:52 AM):but basically I realized that I have a ridiculous weakness toward men. While i'm entering and within a situation I let guys run the show even when i don't like it
rvbgirl4711 (9:54:06 AM):which is why me choosing to break up with Marshall was such a huge deal for me
rvbgirl4711 (9:56:52 AM):yeah. It was always strange because after the situation [with other guys] was over I grew from it and learned from it, but in the next new situation I was right back where I started. Feeling like I wanted something that wasn't making me happy and trying to be patient hoping the situation would change... a lot like how it used to be with my mom. I would want a real mother-daughter relationship with her and she'd fail me every time, but i couldn't let it go
It may not seem like much, but this minute realization made a world of difference on my heart. The only other time I was growing out of the idea of being in a situation that wasn't making me happy was when I finally decided (on July 4th 2008 funny enough) to break up with my ex of five years. Although that situation was a gateway into another crappy situation with this kid Adam, it really was the first time i realized "Hey! I don't need to be with someone just because it's all I know. I DON'T need someone who doesn't need me or want me!"
It's taken a bit for me to regain that sense with other men, but this was absolutely huge for me. This is the first time since the little window between this guy who stepped on me (and there were many who did in the 08-09 school year) and me dating Marshall that I've felt wholly comfortable being single. And this is the second time in my life I've left a bad/odd situation with a guy and thought "I'm going to hang out with my friends! Fuck it!" It's so liberating! I have people in my life who love me. And I'm growing to feel foolish whenever I become wrapped up in someone who ultimately doesn't make me happy because I lose sight of my positive friendships and opportunities to surround myself with good people.
Signs that a relationship isn't working includes:
- Staying up late hoping he calls
- Having to convince him to stay in touch with you more
- Knowing that he wouldn't put nearly as much effort into seeing you (in long distance relationships) as you would put into seeing him
- Listening to him tell you in ANY way that he doesn't see a future with you
- Realizing that you're arguing with yourself when you're pointing out how insensitive he can be
- Feeling like you're waiting for him to change his mind
- When you are basically bullshitting yourself thinking the relationship is totally fine
But this freedom, this joy, this happiness I'm feeling without a boyfriend/fling/lover or whatever you want to call it... It's overwhelming, yet less stressful and I feel like I'm readying myself for someone that DOES want me the same way I would want them. And it's fantastic. I called myself beautiful today.
And I believed it.
1. Every word of this held true. Marshall and I (as of July 17th) have decided to give it another go. I have agreed to approach him with less co-dependence and not nearly as high expectations as I did before on the condition that he'd simply try. I still feel this freedom for myself, I'm just learning to apply it in any situation I'm in. If things don't work out still then I'll be ready for it. He's a great guy, and I just need to be patient with him. I think he's worth it and I feel like he's willing to try. He may not say it but he really appreciates me and he really likes me... he's just... a guy...
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