With Every Start

So I'm reading this book called "The Joy of Being a Woman" by Ingrid Trobisch and I've been learning a lot about myself. The book is a bit dated, but I've read passages and proceeded to shout 'That's what that is?!" or "That's why I do that!" It's been really good for me. It makes my female-ness less of a mystery and helps me feel like I can be normal as a woman.

The best part is paying close attention to my behavior and thoughts when I'm going through a hard time and realizing "I'm premenstrual!" In previous posts I've mentioned how much I hate attributing my feeling bad to me being hormonal. It's taken some time but I've realized that if I turn down my drama-o-meter consistently and look at my calendar it's usually the case... and it's okay that it's the case.

I've given myself a really hard time whenever I trip up mentally or spiritually, but most of the time I just need to give myself a break, because I'm not being nearly as awful as I've made myself out to be. Whenever I'm hormonal I find myself truly believing that my faith is ripping to shreds and that I'm failing God with every step I take. Then in two or three days something amazing happens and I have spiritual break through with someone and I get to share Truth and the Word. It's a consistent pattern that I seem to forget about a lot.

So for the women out there who go through this strange spiritual depression where they feel as if they are going to screw up and fall away from God in a day or in the next hour- seriously consider your hormonal calendar. Men may call us unpredictable, but we can usually and correctly contribute mental mood shifts to our bodies doing what they do best (baby making prep!)

I've been trying to douse myself in the word of God whenever I start feeling this way. My fear of falling away makes me work twice as hard, which I think is kind of funny.

If you love the Lord with all your heart, you'll be hard pressed to stray.

I found myself admitting to Him this morning rather painfully that if I were tempted sexually and I had to choose between Him and the temptation I would not choose Him.

A few things I came to understand in that conversation with Him:
1) I am a sinner. There is a reason why the prophets and disciples and Jesus Himself tell us to stay in the light- don't get caught up with those who do not believe and love the King. No matter how righteous we think we are, given the circumstances we can be made weak and falter.

2) If you are in a deep relationship with God and He knows you, He WILL NOT let you fall. You had better believe if you fear the Lord He'll snatch you up and convict you. It's your choice whether you give an ear and heed your conscience. The Holy Spirit is your guide and God will be very clear in His will. God is God - if you are slipping up, He has the power and sovereignty to get you out whether you like it or not. Be faithful, He's forever faithful.

3) Healing is something that happens in time. Never will I condone sin or make excuses for it. The Lord does, however, know your heart and knows it that much more if you are communicating with Him. He knows where you're struggling, He knows where you are hurting and where you fall over and over. He hears you and wants to help you. He will pick you up and give you the strength to try again to be right in your repentance whether you only need to repent once or repent 1000 times. He sees your effort and where you are and if you are sincere honesty and loving Him, He will provide grace. Don't worry. There is no condemnation in the Holy Spirit. Only conviction. If you have a pit fall be strong, for He is with you always in everything.


Sometimes when I write I get healed and comforted. This has been one of those posts where I write about the truth even though right before writing it out I actually don't believe it. It's nice to know that God is speaking to me through so many things... including myself.

"Stars! Hide your fires! These here are my desires and I won't give them up to you this time around. So! I'll be found with this stake stuck in this ground- marking the territory of this newly impassioned soul!"

Future Foe Scenarios

Maybe it's a product of being a young Christian. Or perhaps it's something that comes with being weak in the faith or prone to sine and cosine graph emotions. Maybe you've experienced it in your walk with Jesus.

Anxiety. Pop-quiz style anxiety. A number of things could be triggering it so it's not something that can have an easily pin-pointed solution. Right now for me it could either be going to West Palm for 2 or 3 nights, or applying to graduate schools and feeling inadequate because of my current GRE score, or my failure at handling situations with people in church, or my failure at cleaning the bathroom for months. It's so annoying because I KNOW that none of these things matter. I KNOW that none of these things are nearly as large as my mind is currently making them out to be. And yet some how they get inflated. Disgustingly inflated. The advice I hear about these things is simple: Pray, give it to God, confront the person with whom the issue is with, be the bigger person, be sweet, and/or run to God.

Do you ever feel like you've either done it so little or so much you forget what that looks like? It boggles my mind because I've experienced the results of handling all types of things in the ways aforementioned and somehow... somehow I just.... forget. I have to wonder if I'm doing something wrong, if there is a pattern I'm seeking out that doesn't exist, or if I'm just an idiot. Curse me - my body and my brain since every stinkin thing that I wish not to do- being disobedient, inconsiderate, spiteful, dramatic, gossip-y, misbehaving attitude wise, etc., I end up doing! I'm not perfect. And my arms are not up screaming "I'm not perfect get off my back!" but rather "I'm not perfect and it's so blatantly obvious every time I try to do something."

So what do I do?

Praise God for His amazing patience with me. He knows I need it.

I blame Christmas. I don't know what it is, but I do not feel like it means anything. I love Jesus, He is my King, I graciously and gladly await His return, but this holiday junk has lost its flare with me. When was Christmas exciting to me? And when did it stop? It feels so easy to pass that on to the first few times my mom decided working Christmas day was important. Or the time my former "step-grandmother" told me that her birthday was just another day. All this holiday vigor and excitement got consumed and lost by the drive for a paycheck. Thanks life! Because now this piece of crap winter break has been driving me further and further away from anything relating to a family the more it makes me realize that my family IS NOT a functioning family.

The funny part about it all is that this is one of the first Christmas' that my mom has chosen to take off in a while. And I don't want to see her for it. What do you do when the bridge has caught flame dozens of times and all that's left is this narrow weak path way that you have to walk and pray you don't fall off of? Especially after you've fallen foolishly so many times before. I spend all this time either feeling totally okay and justified steering clear of my family or I spend a ton of time feeling guilty for avoiding them and not wanting to make real amends. Maybe all the forgiveness that I thought I had for my mom and my uncle is just disguised apathy? How I wish I just didn't care. But then again there are lots of things that are history that I wish I just didn't care about.

I'm still alone.

I think I managed to successfully kid myself into thinking that all the loneliness stuff I mentioned earlier was just temporary. Stuff like that is not temporary. It's as prevalent and relevant as it was when I first found it to be true. I get told that I should talk to God about problems, but that I need people. So since I know I need God... when do I actually need people? I feel alone anyway, right? I know that I shouldn't set my heart, worth, weight or what have you in people since they'll let me down, if not immediately then eventually... so what do I need people for? What's a husband for? What's a friend for?

These questions are probably all easy to answer, but at the moment I probably won't be convinced of anything until I stop being so angry at everything (another symptom of my anxiety it would seem.)

"This revolution, baby

Proves who you work for lately

Who do you work for, baby?

And does it work for you, lately?

... if it's not broken...

"No," I say to myself in a grown. "I don't want to help anyone move. I hate helping people move, it sucks and I just want to not do anything today."

"Ugh," I moan. "I really don't want to help this person move, but I don't have much else to do until I baby sit... I wanted to wash my hair, but helping I guess is more important."

"I really hope it's in my head." I think on the verge of tears. "Did she just snatch that from me? Why is she avoiding conversation with me? Is she really still upset with me?"

"Pray about it?" I ask myself sceptically. "Pray for what? The situation? That her attitude changes? That we can be friends? Is that what I even want? Is that what I ought to do? What's this torturing me for?"

Today is like trying to climb a muddy hill in the rain with the help of a skimpy rope. I am bitter, sad, and frustrated. Am I premenstrual? I hate that my attitude and emotions for some people can be summed up by one thing. What if something is actually bugging me? Who do I tell it to without them telling me that I'm overreacting?

Talking to people is really hard because I usually ask people that I go to church with or that I consider good friends... and what usually ends up happening is that they try to "fix" me. They try to tell me what I need to do to "fix" my problem as if I'm too incompetent to figure it out on my own. Or they suggest things without my asking that I could do to "fix" something that they think I want to change.

I.

Don't.

Want.

To.

Be.
Fixed.

I just want to be loved. I want to know what I should pray for. I want to know if it's okay for me to not care when someone is being a certain way. I think I'll do my best to pray about it and just get over my reluctance to help people. Isn't it a weird reluctance to have?

Whatever. I just want to sleep and not do anything. I'm fuckin sick of this shit now. I want to feel better and less annoyed.

Done.

Difficulty Level

It's pretty ridiculous. I'm back from Russia for a little more than two weeks now and I haven't blogged about it a single bit here. To be honest it's because I've felt so disappointed in myself from looking at the bad and having it outweigh the good in almost every respect. It was a six week trip with many lessons, but for the sake stress (and me being sick at the moment) I'm going to just relax and... move on.

Some weird stuff has been happening lately. I definitely felt myself slipping away spiritually. I couldn't bring myself to pray, I couldn't bring myself to dive into the word, and I couldn't bring myself to stop letting things purposely distract me. I even have a schedule and planner to get organized (which I actually can't find at the moment) and thinking it over I think it made the situation worse- I became busy and used all of the busy schedule stuff to purposely keep me from time with God... And though I didn't want to admit it to myself it was making me depressed and unhappy.

Among other things I've been trying to think about Graduate school, preparing for the GRE, continuing my research, and maintaining a sort of social life. I'm working a bit this summer and trying not to think about the bills that, to me, seem impossible to pay. And others' opinions on the matter aren't totally helping... I wonder if that is something I need to work on. If how I react or respond internally to others thoughts is a matter of interest. Two things happened recently though very small triggered a strange response.

1) Potatoes. So I helped go shopping for potatoes and I thought and expressed baked potatoes for the fourth of July part would be a great idea. The person purchasing the potatoes had no qualms against it, at least I thought. We get to our friends house and the potatoes are cut and the lady of the house asked if they were all for mashed potatoes and I rose my voice to speak and the person who bought the potatoes cut me off and answered in affirmation. The lady caught notice of this and asked if it were up for debate and again I was cut off with the purchasers negation to the latter question. In almost a sort of panic I brought up that I considered having baked potatoes which is why I was excited about sour cream and salsa. Trite and banal- yes. But I couldn't help but realize that if I hadn't said anything my idea would have been thrown out the window. And that isn't the first time I've had it happen in a small group setting. I sometimes feel I have to scrap my way to the top in order to not get tossed aside.

2) Headband. A very sweet woman has been helping me get things on track. But think I might have worn out my need for advice from her. She was over at my house one day and she eventually got up to leave and upon giving me a hug, she looks at me and goes: "You need a head band." and walks away. I was stunned for just a second and I turned around and smiled and asked "why?" And she made gesture of what my hair would look like if I had a hair band. Commonplace and unimportant- yes. I think I'm just sick of feeling like I need to get fixed. I'm not one to take offense to much of anything, but don't talk about my hair. It's a touchy subject that unfortunately still has some sore ties. What made me happy is that later on that day my friends Aaron and Marlo said that they were so happy to see how much I've changed for the better in life. It was honestly among the first real genuine compliments I've received this week that weren't ways to "encourage" me or to "reassure" me of anything. It was pure and honest "Hey you're doing great and I've seen it over all these years." And it wasn't disguised in the form of a lecture either.

So yeah there is that... and then there is stuff with my mom. Surprise surprise. I talked to her today since she called me about a letter I got from a bank that was sent to her house. (rant: Which really pisses me off because that is NOT the address I gave them to send anything too and it is none of her business about that account even if she is my mother. It's really frustrating.) And that was it. That's really the only reason she called me and then our conversation changed to something about her job and shish-kabobs... And then she put her boyfriend Johnny on the phone... He asked me how I was, instead of harping on how I sounded and barely listening to what I was explaining. He asked me about school and I told him about grad school and where I was thinking- and the most peculiar thing happened... my mom interrupted him and started talking to him since she had to go to work and she wanted him to take her.

There are multitude of things wrong with that for me:

1) I felt like someone was taking candy out of my mouth

2) For the first time someone who was in a relatively legit familial possession in my life was paying attention to me.

I keep reaching for things that aren't really there. I insist on having hope for authoritative figures in my life that are related to me... that are from where I'm from. In any case I'm at square one with that. And the only way I know how to deal with it is to ignore it.

"Driven by the strangle of vein,

Showin no mercy, I'll do it again

Open up your eyes, you keep on cryin

Baby, I'll bleed you dry."

Maybe I'll stop feeling like life is on the EXTREME setting when in reality it's on NORMAL.