Chime Alarm

Whenever I think about writing this entry I have the perfect opening and the right things to say. Then my day continues and I completely lose it all and decide not to write at all. I've decided to just go through with it anyway.

I've been convicted on many things since my last post. My being judgmental, harsh and critical, my deep seed to want to manipulate guys to get their attention even for a short while (just about the base reason for all my guy problems I've ever mentioned), my thought life and how that translates to how I respond to things, my lack of prayer and submission to God for all things in my life, my self-deception, my pride...

The last two weeks have been work to say the least. A lot of this confrontation started with this old journal I found that I've had since middle school. A little purple book with a flower on it with pages I had written when I was as young as 16, maybe? Lot's of scary thoughts I had when I was younger, song tabs I wrote and dated memories. I ripped all the pages out half intending to throw them away and half intending to sort through and keep some things... But I decided to use the newly blank journal as a prayer journal. Writing down names of people and stuff to pray for them specifically. I started it in my car one morning when I showed up really early and after writing it down I sat there and prayed out loud everything I had written. Some of the prayers turned into more beautiful topics for God to hear. It was liberating and the more I began to pray for me, the more I came to realize the majority of the things I listed earlier about myself. In all this prayer and all this realization I've also come to terms with what it means to be imperfect, what it means to need to the grace of God and what it means to be okay with not being or reaching perfection as long as I have this body and walk on this earth. This brought to the forefront why prayer is so important and why God needs to know my heart and I need to use my words and tell Him what He already knows, but will not touch unless I say them myself. In my weakness He is made strong and therefore His strength makes me stronger. This backward frame of logic finally started to sink in and I repent for my lack of prayer everyday... I repent with prayer for anyone and everyone and by asking what God's will is for me and what I can do to love with His love.

So since my last entry I've been through a lot. It's safe for me to say that my tension involving my erm... members has been kept under control and has been submitted entirely to God's hands. In fact a recent occurrence has lead me to believe that my husband is coming. Basically, God has told me "he's coming." I've decided to not let the thought go any further (even if for brief instances it already has). It's God's thing and all I can do is pray and wait until its fruition. It's pretty interesting timing, I'd like to mention because this was right after I'd begun to prayerfully unearth all my issues I had been holding back. In time also in the midst of my praying about my guy manipulation all of my emotions and feelings regarding certain guys have faded. I sat and had lunch with one guy who told me he didn't see us going any further because our faith was so different. Well, duh- but I was glad he was able to say what I knew months ago, but toyed around with. And a really good friend who I've had feelings for for quite a while came into town and my love for him as a person and for his soul trumped anything else I'd ever had for him. I had for him the kind of love that was perfected in my knowing and loving Jesus. I've been praying for him ever since then. It has been freeing to be content with being single, being okay with severing those emotional ties to men and simply relaxing in God's rest. So of course my husband is coming. Right as I've grown into being comfortable single. However the fun part is that I have no idea when. It could be years from now. It could be tomorrow. I get to sit here and be single and love God until he shows up. Then I'll love God and have the man God prepared me to be with. I'll take it.

"All these things about me,
You never can tell"

... if it's not broken...

"No," I say to myself in a grown. "I don't want to help anyone move. I hate helping people move, it sucks and I just want to not do anything today."

"Ugh," I moan. "I really don't want to help this person move, but I don't have much else to do until I baby sit... I wanted to wash my hair, but helping I guess is more important."

"I really hope it's in my head." I think on the verge of tears. "Did she just snatch that from me? Why is she avoiding conversation with me? Is she really still upset with me?"

"Pray about it?" I ask myself sceptically. "Pray for what? The situation? That her attitude changes? That we can be friends? Is that what I even want? Is that what I ought to do? What's this torturing me for?"

Today is like trying to climb a muddy hill in the rain with the help of a skimpy rope. I am bitter, sad, and frustrated. Am I premenstrual? I hate that my attitude and emotions for some people can be summed up by one thing. What if something is actually bugging me? Who do I tell it to without them telling me that I'm overreacting?

Talking to people is really hard because I usually ask people that I go to church with or that I consider good friends... and what usually ends up happening is that they try to "fix" me. They try to tell me what I need to do to "fix" my problem as if I'm too incompetent to figure it out on my own. Or they suggest things without my asking that I could do to "fix" something that they think I want to change.

I.

Don't.

Want.

To.

Be.
Fixed.

I just want to be loved. I want to know what I should pray for. I want to know if it's okay for me to not care when someone is being a certain way. I think I'll do my best to pray about it and just get over my reluctance to help people. Isn't it a weird reluctance to have?

Whatever. I just want to sleep and not do anything. I'm fuckin sick of this shit now. I want to feel better and less annoyed.

Done.

That Was Me

One of the last things I said tonight to one of the birthday boys at a party I attended after he burst into the room screaming about how "these [explitive] were trying to make [him] drink water." *sigh* :) Love is hard work no matter what angle your trying to go at it. Not more than 10 minutes after that I left.

It is true and I will share testimony that their comes a point in a social gathering when things stop being fun, especially when there is alcohol involved. "Nothing good ever happens after midnight." For me it's normally around one or later. Sure enough by 1:10 the comment was made and I was watching to weirdness ensue. Maybe I'm getting old? No. Just responsible. And smarter about those types of situations.

I did manage to talk to someone about purpose and give them a different perspective on life after a family is formed. It was uplifting and nice to talk to someone with a faith background and watch them light up. Not what I expected, but honestly it was the only actual conversation that I had with anyone the whole time I was there... aside from the ones that were struck because of my choice (and my following through) to remain sober and not have a drop of alcohol. Good thing too because it was tricky trying to leave the parking lot.

Some day I'll learn to leave a party at a pivotal moment when things start to change... I don't know when that would have been for this event. Probably around the time that the cake was brought out upon the arrival of some other friends around was it midnight? I didn't look at a clock the entire time I was there... Maybe I should try to gauge it by time...perhaps 12AM can be my cut off for going out... It was in Russia I don't see why it wouldn't translate to here. I'll have to keep that in mind next time.

But next time it will probably be my birthday :)

Difficulty Level

It's pretty ridiculous. I'm back from Russia for a little more than two weeks now and I haven't blogged about it a single bit here. To be honest it's because I've felt so disappointed in myself from looking at the bad and having it outweigh the good in almost every respect. It was a six week trip with many lessons, but for the sake stress (and me being sick at the moment) I'm going to just relax and... move on.

Some weird stuff has been happening lately. I definitely felt myself slipping away spiritually. I couldn't bring myself to pray, I couldn't bring myself to dive into the word, and I couldn't bring myself to stop letting things purposely distract me. I even have a schedule and planner to get organized (which I actually can't find at the moment) and thinking it over I think it made the situation worse- I became busy and used all of the busy schedule stuff to purposely keep me from time with God... And though I didn't want to admit it to myself it was making me depressed and unhappy.

Among other things I've been trying to think about Graduate school, preparing for the GRE, continuing my research, and maintaining a sort of social life. I'm working a bit this summer and trying not to think about the bills that, to me, seem impossible to pay. And others' opinions on the matter aren't totally helping... I wonder if that is something I need to work on. If how I react or respond internally to others thoughts is a matter of interest. Two things happened recently though very small triggered a strange response.

1) Potatoes. So I helped go shopping for potatoes and I thought and expressed baked potatoes for the fourth of July part would be a great idea. The person purchasing the potatoes had no qualms against it, at least I thought. We get to our friends house and the potatoes are cut and the lady of the house asked if they were all for mashed potatoes and I rose my voice to speak and the person who bought the potatoes cut me off and answered in affirmation. The lady caught notice of this and asked if it were up for debate and again I was cut off with the purchasers negation to the latter question. In almost a sort of panic I brought up that I considered having baked potatoes which is why I was excited about sour cream and salsa. Trite and banal- yes. But I couldn't help but realize that if I hadn't said anything my idea would have been thrown out the window. And that isn't the first time I've had it happen in a small group setting. I sometimes feel I have to scrap my way to the top in order to not get tossed aside.

2) Headband. A very sweet woman has been helping me get things on track. But think I might have worn out my need for advice from her. She was over at my house one day and she eventually got up to leave and upon giving me a hug, she looks at me and goes: "You need a head band." and walks away. I was stunned for just a second and I turned around and smiled and asked "why?" And she made gesture of what my hair would look like if I had a hair band. Commonplace and unimportant- yes. I think I'm just sick of feeling like I need to get fixed. I'm not one to take offense to much of anything, but don't talk about my hair. It's a touchy subject that unfortunately still has some sore ties. What made me happy is that later on that day my friends Aaron and Marlo said that they were so happy to see how much I've changed for the better in life. It was honestly among the first real genuine compliments I've received this week that weren't ways to "encourage" me or to "reassure" me of anything. It was pure and honest "Hey you're doing great and I've seen it over all these years." And it wasn't disguised in the form of a lecture either.

So yeah there is that... and then there is stuff with my mom. Surprise surprise. I talked to her today since she called me about a letter I got from a bank that was sent to her house. (rant: Which really pisses me off because that is NOT the address I gave them to send anything too and it is none of her business about that account even if she is my mother. It's really frustrating.) And that was it. That's really the only reason she called me and then our conversation changed to something about her job and shish-kabobs... And then she put her boyfriend Johnny on the phone... He asked me how I was, instead of harping on how I sounded and barely listening to what I was explaining. He asked me about school and I told him about grad school and where I was thinking- and the most peculiar thing happened... my mom interrupted him and started talking to him since she had to go to work and she wanted him to take her.

There are multitude of things wrong with that for me:

1) I felt like someone was taking candy out of my mouth

2) For the first time someone who was in a relatively legit familial possession in my life was paying attention to me.

I keep reaching for things that aren't really there. I insist on having hope for authoritative figures in my life that are related to me... that are from where I'm from. In any case I'm at square one with that. And the only way I know how to deal with it is to ignore it.

"Driven by the strangle of vein,

Showin no mercy, I'll do it again

Open up your eyes, you keep on cryin

Baby, I'll bleed you dry."

Maybe I'll stop feeling like life is on the EXTREME setting when in reality it's on NORMAL.