Difficulty Level

It's pretty ridiculous. I'm back from Russia for a little more than two weeks now and I haven't blogged about it a single bit here. To be honest it's because I've felt so disappointed in myself from looking at the bad and having it outweigh the good in almost every respect. It was a six week trip with many lessons, but for the sake stress (and me being sick at the moment) I'm going to just relax and... move on.

Some weird stuff has been happening lately. I definitely felt myself slipping away spiritually. I couldn't bring myself to pray, I couldn't bring myself to dive into the word, and I couldn't bring myself to stop letting things purposely distract me. I even have a schedule and planner to get organized (which I actually can't find at the moment) and thinking it over I think it made the situation worse- I became busy and used all of the busy schedule stuff to purposely keep me from time with God... And though I didn't want to admit it to myself it was making me depressed and unhappy.

Among other things I've been trying to think about Graduate school, preparing for the GRE, continuing my research, and maintaining a sort of social life. I'm working a bit this summer and trying not to think about the bills that, to me, seem impossible to pay. And others' opinions on the matter aren't totally helping... I wonder if that is something I need to work on. If how I react or respond internally to others thoughts is a matter of interest. Two things happened recently though very small triggered a strange response.

1) Potatoes. So I helped go shopping for potatoes and I thought and expressed baked potatoes for the fourth of July part would be a great idea. The person purchasing the potatoes had no qualms against it, at least I thought. We get to our friends house and the potatoes are cut and the lady of the house asked if they were all for mashed potatoes and I rose my voice to speak and the person who bought the potatoes cut me off and answered in affirmation. The lady caught notice of this and asked if it were up for debate and again I was cut off with the purchasers negation to the latter question. In almost a sort of panic I brought up that I considered having baked potatoes which is why I was excited about sour cream and salsa. Trite and banal- yes. But I couldn't help but realize that if I hadn't said anything my idea would have been thrown out the window. And that isn't the first time I've had it happen in a small group setting. I sometimes feel I have to scrap my way to the top in order to not get tossed aside.

2) Headband. A very sweet woman has been helping me get things on track. But think I might have worn out my need for advice from her. She was over at my house one day and she eventually got up to leave and upon giving me a hug, she looks at me and goes: "You need a head band." and walks away. I was stunned for just a second and I turned around and smiled and asked "why?" And she made gesture of what my hair would look like if I had a hair band. Commonplace and unimportant- yes. I think I'm just sick of feeling like I need to get fixed. I'm not one to take offense to much of anything, but don't talk about my hair. It's a touchy subject that unfortunately still has some sore ties. What made me happy is that later on that day my friends Aaron and Marlo said that they were so happy to see how much I've changed for the better in life. It was honestly among the first real genuine compliments I've received this week that weren't ways to "encourage" me or to "reassure" me of anything. It was pure and honest "Hey you're doing great and I've seen it over all these years." And it wasn't disguised in the form of a lecture either.

So yeah there is that... and then there is stuff with my mom. Surprise surprise. I talked to her today since she called me about a letter I got from a bank that was sent to her house. (rant: Which really pisses me off because that is NOT the address I gave them to send anything too and it is none of her business about that account even if she is my mother. It's really frustrating.) And that was it. That's really the only reason she called me and then our conversation changed to something about her job and shish-kabobs... And then she put her boyfriend Johnny on the phone... He asked me how I was, instead of harping on how I sounded and barely listening to what I was explaining. He asked me about school and I told him about grad school and where I was thinking- and the most peculiar thing happened... my mom interrupted him and started talking to him since she had to go to work and she wanted him to take her.

There are multitude of things wrong with that for me:

1) I felt like someone was taking candy out of my mouth

2) For the first time someone who was in a relatively legit familial possession in my life was paying attention to me.

I keep reaching for things that aren't really there. I insist on having hope for authoritative figures in my life that are related to me... that are from where I'm from. In any case I'm at square one with that. And the only way I know how to deal with it is to ignore it.

"Driven by the strangle of vein,

Showin no mercy, I'll do it again

Open up your eyes, you keep on cryin

Baby, I'll bleed you dry."

Maybe I'll stop feeling like life is on the EXTREME setting when in reality it's on NORMAL.

To Russia... 2

Holy cow! I really really wish that I had about 3 more weeks added on to this semester! But I'll be okay as long as I stay disciplined. So far so good.

I've been staying at Lani and Renee's quite a bit since it seems to be the only place where I can sleep. Being in my dorm is simply no longer enticing. It's not as quiet as I once thought it was it would seem. I've been waking up earlier and the commute to school is proving to not be as much of a hassle as I thought. I like being awake in the mornings. I feel useful.

My hair. There is a subject I don't talk a lot about given the name of this thing. My hair is awesome. It's so long now and I seem to refuse to give it the credit it deserves. I can put my hair in a pony tail and not have to bobby pin the whole thing. I can wear my hair out for days and watch as it gets bigger and bigger. People play with my hair at any given moment which I know for some is blasphemy, but for me it's a complete complement. No one really wanted to touch it before. It's pretty awesome to watch how I've been finding ways to limit my time in the shower. I'm getting really good at this. I used to take about a 20 to 40 minutes in the shower with detangling and what not, and that was a step down from two showers because of DTing! But now it's about 15 minutes not even to shower and wash my hair and I all of my detangling out of the shower. Saving time, money and water. Although recently I've been having issues with dry scalp which is never good. My scalp started to develop some scabs I think or at least high levels of irritation. I couldn't tell. I think washing and messaging with water has been the most help with that. Huh... feels good to be writing about this again. But now I'll have to admit I was absolutely obsessed in the beginning.

I've been good about not adding boys to my list of attractions recently. I'm proud of myself. Lots of cute guys too. I'm becoming impressed with myself. This sexual healing bible study I've been doing has really helped me to relax. I've come to (one of many) conclusion(s) that my trust in God will reflect how I will react to dealing with the opposite gender. I'm finally beginning to trust Him and His work through me is showing. I think I'm awesome now. I think I'm attractive, I think I look great (I've been working out lately it's part of my discipline.), all these things I once needed a guy for I no longer have pressure about. It's a beautiful thing not wanting to be with someone as if it's something necessary. Maybe that will help me with my fear of settling.

I leave for Russia in a matter of weeks. How frightening! I'm excited since I know there are a few Christians coming along with me on the trip. That helps me feel safer and less alone spiritually at least. I want to take pictures, I want to see the sites, I want to learn the language! Everything my heart has been set on is finally coming into play... I need to write down what I pray for. Sometimes I forget and I don't realize that it's something that I had wanted for long time. I'm getting this. I'm going. God has allowed it. I hope He has blessed it. I'm excited.

Just Here

Apparently there were 5 Thursdays this October.

Today was a good day. I taught a pretty good class today and had lunch with Sally and John. Then went to class and later played piano. I finally know a two more measures of the song I've been practicing for a while.

I've been pretty good. I missed last week out of sheer laziness and some stress. I had a long weekend filled with babysitting (which was fun) homework and a grant proposal write up for a fellowship worth a ton - o - money. And I've done a lot to attempt to not worry about it. Things are great otherwise. I'm even over all the guys I had an attraction toward. Even the one that I felt super strongly about. Clarification made things less mysterious and I could stop being a sap from the ambiguous.

I'm in love with Dizzy... especially today. She makes me realize how far along I've come in life. And often times the messier the better.... kinda makes up for all the non messing up I've been trying to be apart of lately.

I keep solving all my problems just prior to Thursdays... It makes me less entertaining I suppose... But I keep facing that fact that things just don't need as much intensity as I used to place on them.

"Be careful little eyes what you see." - Casting Crowns