With a Panic....

Goofy songs get stuck in my head.

Sooo. I'm seeing someone. Yep. There is someone in my life right now that I like a lot that's made me shut up about being single and unworthy of dating (although the latter thought was short lived,) Oh and guess what! He's not a douche bag!!! I WIN!!!... okay I'm done. He's great, he likes movies, he's super tall (I tell everyone this because it's probably one of my favorite things about him) and he writes the most thoughtful cute.....MUSHY awesome letters ever. (That's right, letter writing was involved! :D ) His name is Kevin.

For the first time in the last few years I have found someone I'm interested in that I'm not simply settling for. I'm not acting desprately, I'm relaxed, calm and "not clingy??" I don't know, but it's definitely a nice change in pace. He's not a Christian, but he's not a God hating atheist either. I don't intend on molding him or shaping anything he believes, but of course I think everyone needs Jesus lol I'll be surprised as to what God does with his life. I'm really excited about my chance to excercise my values in a relationship of sorts. So far so good.

My mother and I aren't talking. The end of the last visit made me realize that she swims deep in drama that she creates herself. She was pretty rude to me on the last day I was in West Palm even though she claimed to want to see me. I really have had enough of her attitude and her unwarranted jealousy and her hypocritical actions in her Christian life. All I can do is forgive her (which I'm not sure if I have yet) and pray for her. LJF struck some pretty annoying chords in my last few days in West Palm as well. Between them both I feel as if I am an inconvenience. Asking LJ for a ride to see my mother was like pulling teeth. Getting my mom to be patient when LJ and I were at an event was like listening to a 2 year old scream about not being able to have a cookie (and then when she gets it she bitches about it and doesn't even eat the damned thing). It was really frustrating and made me just not want to depend on either one of them. And now I'm coming to terms with the fact that I can't. The two most important women in my life are so wrapped up in their lives and what they want and what works for them that I can't even get a real hug. "I love you" is an obligatory statement. Arguments or disagreements are met with either a fake smile in the end with advice to ignore the problem or simple silence with no resolve...

I hate going "home."

But I come back to Tallahasee and Lani meets me. I get a big hug and am met with good news that he waits to tell me until he starts making tea for us both. Apparently I have a car... and I'm picking it up today after a week or so of waiting. If that isn't something to make you realize where home is I don't know what is. From that point on day after day has been met with fun, wonder and opportunity... I even met Kevin on the first day of classes. This is home. And I'm learning to not get stuck on situations that feed the drama queen in me (it pisses me off to write that, but apparently it's there) I'm learning to be okay with cutting ties with mom. It's scary, but it's not the end of the world. I'll be okay.

But now I shall do laundry and eventually go get my car and then see Kevin and maybe even Kayla. I love my life and thank God everyday for it.

I won't step in line I'll release the glitch, but I can't fall asleep with a panic switch.

Resolutions and Chevelle

I should have known better than to think that being in West Palm for an extended time could result in me actually being satisfied and happy. Good thing I don't depend on that.

It was a good run actually until the day I was to finally meet with my mom (surprise surprise) I'll spare the boring details and just say that I have officially decided that my ultimate vulnerability is my family. And I don't have a clue as to how to deal with it, heal from it, or even approach it. Being around my family makes me feel like I'm on another planet (surprise surprise). And being around my mentor kinda reinforced the way I feel, and has proven that it seems as if only I have changed.... well everything about me except for my reactions to my family.

This year I would like to start addressing that aspect of my life. I know Lani would say to love them over there, but I don't know how or what to think while they are over there between now and the next time I return. Good healthy distance I suppose is necessary, but as I'm working on my walk with God and looking to Jesus as my example, the stages in between are like gauntlets in terms of dealing with my family problems. It's strange, but it has truly gone beyond the abuse. It has gone beyond the stolen money. It's gone beyond the fights, the drama, the tears, the hatred, the false closure... It seems to be more or less me simply putting up with mum... seeing my grandmother fluctuate drastically in her weight, listening to my uncle talking about the women he's raced through, never truly knowing what's going on within my family... never getting straight answers to simple questions.

If I am really sane... does this prove to be a form of insanity?

I'm considering one-on-one counseling again. Just to get my focus back, because whatever I'm doing spritually (I'm pretty sure I'm on the right track) is being blocked by something I'm not seeing or hearing... perhaps some angle I'm not figuring out... maybe something emotional I haven't caught wind of.

I've had a really ridiculous conversation with this guy that I swear I should have dated. Fate seemed to place every obstacle in the way of it, even now. I thought to myself, if situations were different and I wasn't a Christian (surprise surprise) and he asked me out, I'd say yes in a heart beat. It was really nerve wrecking. We talked until 4 in the morning my first night in West Palm and already casting away in my mind everything I had built myself up to be with the help of Christ I felt myself wanting to stay in this hell hole... with everyone else who seems to be stuck in it. It's amazing how any link to "happiness"... found in the world specifically, seems to be enough to make people stick in one place and never do anything, but wait for money to get better, or the home to get better before they can start reaching out to other people. I don't want to get stuck. I don't want this to be it. I just have to remember who my alliegence is to and what that means and above all where I'm going. It sure as hell is not what my family has accrued here in West Palm Beach.

This year I'm looking for more engagement with others, real sweet friendships, and honest to God help with what I feel with my family.

"Does anybody really see anything?
Does anybody really see anyone?"

Once upon a December: Dignity

Okay So I failed miserably at the "Every Thursday" thing. But it's okay. It's not the end of the world. I'll admit that it feels good to write again.

So one would what have I gone through since my last entry. With my mother being away and all. Honestly I've been bumbling about with exams and whatever, as well as enjoying my current break. And I've learned some amazing things. The best and most recent I'll save for last.

I have learned:

1. That it is perfectly okay that I'm not going after my big dreams of becoming an International Trade Specialist or whatever it was I was hell bent on. Seriously I've just given up on it. The idea was more pressure on itself than it was worth and now I'm comfortable. I'm looking forward to enjoying life and learning by loving people. No matter how I intend to get paid, I want to love people. I want to be a Jesus girl
2. *I noticed I didn't explain this in previous posts* I have forgiven Marshall. Truly and deeply. And I realized that I had simply become bittered with my mistake and how it unfolded. I searched through scripture to something closest to what I was feeling. I found in my little Gideon's bible a passage under the topic of bitterness. and there I found First Corinthians 13- the infamous lines [paraphrased] When I was a child, I spoke as I child, acted as a child, i understood as a child. Now I am an adult and I can put away childish things. It was liberating to understand that in choosing to walk with Jesus I made the effort to walk away from those things in my former life... thigns that were childish including my relationship with Marshall. I can set it aside, remember I am forgiven and move on... finally...
3. I've taken notes on a few things in my life regarding people. Generally unless real change is sought out- What you see is what you get. I've always picked up on this, but the more I began to interact with Marshall and our mutual group of friends and other friends of mine that I'm not exceedingly close to, it hits me sometimes slowly, other times like a ton of bricks. But really it is very difficult for one to expect people to be a certain way if they consistently display being the opposite. It is truly up to me to simply accept that they won't change.

And the final thing that I have learned and began to take note of that I feel necessary to explain (so that one day I will read it and remember how beautiful it is): Dignity.

Something I've discovered that I have very little of.

It caught me off guard really. I was reading What Wives wish their Husbands knew about Women (the cover is different from the copy I've been reading) But there was a section on Loneliness, Isolation, Boredom and Lack of romantic life in Marriage, and it described me in every situation with a guy I had been in to a T. The next morning I looked up the word Dignity and followed by looking up Respect. And both words I knew a lot about, but had no clue as to how to approach them in situations with men. Academically and in a work setting, even a normal social setting, I handle myself with confidence and grace on most if not all occasions... but with men I'm an absolute wreck. I have no dignity around men of particular interest, specifically in relationships. I cried about it and made it my New Year's resolution to learn what dignity looks like and display and express it at all times. Walking over to my friends' place to cat-sit for a little while I kept asking myself questions:

"Someone/thing with dignity possesses worth, and honor. Does this mean I have worth or honor or value?"

"What exactly Am I worth?"

And an amazing answer came to me. I had to say it slowly and repeat it to realize it:

"I am worth the life of the Only Son of the King of the Universe."

If I weren't walking on a road side I would have fallen to my knees in tears. I wouldn't even know where to begin to LOOK like that. But that's what I'm worth. Now being told that I was "bought with a price" has a new meaning. I'm finally beginning to understand what it all means. And maybe from here on I'll figure out how to walk and act like I possess this worth... this value... this Dignity... no matter what situation I'm in.

I'm going to West Palm this week. It might be a good place to begin to practice.

"If you ever enter in my mind, stay there you'll live. To fend them off, to fool them all, stay there."

The Bigger Person

I'm always interested when I find that the things I help others with spiritually are the very issues that I look into deeply after the conversation is done or the issues that I dealt with just before talking to them about it. It's so sweet to watch the way my words make someone smile or remain quiet... it let's me know that it's getting through... and it's not me who's getting through, but the very power that gave me words to begin with.

Anyway.

HOLY COW, man! Everyone I know is dating someone! It's the craziest thing lol. Everyone I know personally is dating someone. And it seems like the "cuddle weather" has made it's way to everyone. Apparently I'm handling all this pretty well. Probably because my mom was in town and all kinds of ugly emotions and stuff came up... I shouldn't be surprised I suppose I can never be around her without SOMETHING going wrong.

I described it to Lani as "It's like when we're around each other it's a truck hitting a brick wall." All hell breaks loose and some type of drama occurs in different variations. This time Aigo (our dog/oldest pit) and Diamond (neighbors dog/younger rotweiler) fought and Aigo killed Diamond. Now mum has to put Aigo to sleep. She found all this out after our church service at Ryan and Rachel's and.... ugh. She howled... she didn't jut cry she was in so much pain she howled outside on Sunday morning. And it's because the dogs are all she has and now that she's lost two of them essentially she's frustrated and heartbroken.

And then there is my non-sympathetic logical side that's like, well it was going to happen anyway and I feel completely embarrassed. And embarrassment really is my natural response to my mother when she's around other people I know. And it's because... because I'm smarter than she is. And she's a lot dumber than I ever thought she was. Lani says it's because there is a time in people's lives when they just checkout... They decide that at a point they'll just stop and reading books, critical thinking and difficult problem solving just stop and that's where people will remain for the rest of their lives. And they'll spend their time just going to work and sitting in front of the TV... or watching movies. He also explained that my moms mentality is something that's been around since probably before I was born... otherwise "[I] wouldn't have been touched. [I] would have been protected."

So now I'm just stuck. I understand that my mother isn't stupid... just ignorant. And I understand that I will always have to be the adult in situations, but I guess I'm struggling with the fact that I don't WANT to be the bigger person every time. I want to be loved on, I want motherly love and protection that I can't give myself. Growing up was so fucked up without any real guidance or intelligent input from my biological family I've had to do it on my own. It's kind of unfair.

But I guess that's what God is here for... it's the reason He's been here from the beginning and will be until the end. And I need to allow him to heal the parts in which my mom couldn't fulfill and love others, even my own children, the way that others hadn't loved me for a vast portion of my life. I suppose this is a more important lesson than how to fix my ideas on my non-existent love life. I'm becoming content with not being smooched on I guess. And seeing other people happy... makes me happy for them. Even if I don't know every situation it's nice to assume the best in people.

"Thread it to forget it, to feel like you've already gone to the rest of the life that you've got. Tie the loose ends, bury it all away, just like this... Just like this"

My Face

I love everything about me except that...

I resolved this issue already, but it doesn't take much rejection to get those self-loathing feelings to resurface. EFM has a new girlfriend. Yay. I really am truly happy for him. Is it bad that I wished he would have said something about this when I asked him about us going out? I feel like this was an ongoing development that he just failed to mention. But the ultimate bottom line is... what do I care?

Because I feel looked over. I feel unpretty. I feel very much so not worth it. I was always good enough to screw but never good enough to date (in college that is.) So what do I do? I resort to disliking deeply a part of myself that I have no control over and won't change... my face. I even managed to get over Marshall and truly whole heartedly forgive him... but the comparison issue still remains. She (no matter who it's been) has always been the opposite of me. And it hurts. This is something that's come up before and I just want to be done with it and put it away. I guess seeing all of my friends including EFM in a relationship is a little daunting. But I cope with that by being supportive of them and loving them. I just want to take it in stride. I want to not have a heavy heart about this.... And I really want to keep what I discovered on Tuesday in mind:

"1) Who am I to take the blame over something in which GOD has created as if I have any right to my face or body or anything as a woman of God?"

This helps me get over my face issue a little bit. It's really funny... I went from my skin color and hair to my face in a matter of months....I think this has something that been hidden deep within me for a long time... *sigh* No point in worrying about it though right? It's not like I'm going to change anything about it. I just want someone I like to like me back...

Fucking Head Phones

I stepped on them about half an hour ago, and I tried to fix them but gave up and decided to throw them out. They reminded me of Marshall anyway so whatever.

I want to scream, am I allowed to scream? GOD PLEASE LET ME SCREAM.

I need to clean my room, I need to do my economics homework, I need to GET THE FUCK OVER MARSHALL FOR GOOD. I saw him the night before Halloween with the girl he left me for. He seems happy enough. And of course all of my esteem issues multiplied. I was even nice to him... until I said:

"I can understand if you're not going to apologize to me, but the offer to be friends is still there... and I feel better telling you that in person."

I am the WORST liar. I'm still sad and heartbroken and pissed off. I still haven't forgiven him for not being a man about the whole situation and telling me to my face rather than come on my birthday to make himself feel less like shit at the end of the day. Ugh. I saw him again yesterday in his car. He drives like shit and his car is awful. But I bet he's really fuckin happy now that he and his "LOVE" are hanging out more often.

I feel terrible. Every single time something hasn't worked out with a guy it's been my fault. I just want to know what's wrong with me already. When will a man find me worth pursuing. Why am I the root of all of these relationship things falling apart. I'm just so tired. And sick... and tired of not being pretty enough, not being smart enough, not being laid back enough, not being whatever enough to be what someone wants. I give my all and I get it handed right back to me with foot prints and spit all over it. WHEN WILL I EVER BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR SOMEONE.

And then I have people tell me I'm too good for whoever has broken my heart. Well it sure as hell doesn't feel like it. Speaking of people telling me things, I am actually not totally okay with people laughing at my problems when they are fairly serious to me, I'm not okay with being told I'm young and inexperienced by people who aren't so that's why I'm having the problems I have, because you know, that really fucking helps me get over whatever problem I have. I'm glad asking EFM if he would consider a relationship with me had to be the final step to overcome my issue instead of just being told to pray about it and that I'll get over it. I'm happy your marriages and relationships are so wonderful and that you don't have to worry about stuff like that anymore. Your words are kindly appreciated. And by the way he said he prefers that we be friends.

Also I'm kinda wearing thin. I love my friends, but it's really hard being the one who has to reach out all the time. My Christian friends are honestly the main people who most frequently text me and invite me to hang out with them and the only ones really who open their arms and have time for me. And their are some friendships I have with people who aren't that are really just starting to aggravate me and make me give up. I don't want to lose patience. I want to love people and be their for them, but I guess the selfish part of me wants the same love in return... but it's not something I can expect from people with different concepts of life than I do.

I hate feeling afraid to talk to people because I run the risk of sounding like a whiny twenty something brat. Why can't I just fucking blow off some steam and be pissed off without someone telling me I have no right to be? (because 9 times out of 10 I don't? I really can't vouch for that) Am I not allowed to cut people off when they've crossed a very serious line? When they've effortlessly abuse my kindness? When they insist that I'm a fucking doormat? What do I do? What can I do? I just want to walk away from a few things and not feel convicted... will I feel convicted? If I'm not then should I be? UGH

I want to scream. Can I scream? God please let me scream..... but I won't.

Oh and mom.... I didn't even WANT to get started on that. Mother dearest is coming up soon in a couple of weeks. And guess what?! She's dating JD again! :D Isn't that fucking exciting!? And you want to know why? Even after she claimed that she was done and over it. After we talked about her and her relationship with God... Want to know why she chose to take him back? - because she decided to "let go, and let God" with that came the thinking that if something were to ever happen to her, I'd be in school and she'd only have Grandma and Grandpa. She and JD talked and it made sense for her to be with him.... so what the fuck am I? Just this ultimately selfish person... her only daughter who would never dream of taking time out of her life to take care of her? For fuck sake did I leave that kind of impression on her? Does she not trust me to be there for her in her time of greatest need? She'd trust someone whose cheated on her and been imprisoned a number of times over me? What fucking planet am i on? Obviously where I stand in her life hasn't changed that much since I was six. There will always be someone higher than me in her life... there always has been. I should be used to it by now, but apparently I'm not.

There something interesting posted. Maybe I'll look back on this and realize how fucking petty and annoying I sound... before someone else gets to tell me.

I want to scream, can I scream? God please please please let me scream... but I won't.

Just Here

Apparently there were 5 Thursdays this October.

Today was a good day. I taught a pretty good class today and had lunch with Sally and John. Then went to class and later played piano. I finally know a two more measures of the song I've been practicing for a while.

I've been pretty good. I missed last week out of sheer laziness and some stress. I had a long weekend filled with babysitting (which was fun) homework and a grant proposal write up for a fellowship worth a ton - o - money. And I've done a lot to attempt to not worry about it. Things are great otherwise. I'm even over all the guys I had an attraction toward. Even the one that I felt super strongly about. Clarification made things less mysterious and I could stop being a sap from the ambiguous.

I'm in love with Dizzy... especially today. She makes me realize how far along I've come in life. And often times the messier the better.... kinda makes up for all the non messing up I've been trying to be apart of lately.

I keep solving all my problems just prior to Thursdays... It makes me less entertaining I suppose... But I keep facing that fact that things just don't need as much intensity as I used to place on them.

"Be careful little eyes what you see." - Casting Crowns