Highs and Lows

I'm getting closer to having another day that is simply another day.

Ups and downs are becoming frequent. One minute I'm a star and the next I feel like I'm emotionally where I started 4 months ago. I'm just taking in my triumphs and blessings and living in them every chance I feel I should. No more of this "my accomplishments aren't that big of a deal" crap. I've had lots of blessings lately and I ought to acknowledge them as such.

The only thing that's been irritating me this past week (still ranging in the Boy/Men department) is that I think... I think I miss Marshall. And I don't know why. It could be because that I'm remember the "good" memories instead of wanting to burn his face off. Or it could be that I'm still pitying him. Like I'm still in that whole "I've got to/I know how to fix him" mode. Very disgusting thing that girls really ought to be aware of. And I am more than guilty of such an approach when it comes to men. God did a very funny thing to me on Tuesday of my group ("Find God in everything that happens") This guy walks in... and he is everything that I'd go for. Fairly tall, insecure, dealing with a "god complex", handsome, and self loathing with a history. It took every cell in my body to not be "kind" and extend out a hand and give him my number for him to call me whenever on the first day he was there. I had to look at myself, my motives, and face my sexual frustration full force as a Christian.

I talked to Lani about it and he said that it's normal to be sexually frustrated especially in my age. And he said it's okay to date only not in the typical societal definition of dating (which generally includes sex and co-dependency) A big part of me wants to practice this lol. I want to be able to have a boyfriend and not sleep with him, and not throw excessive amounts of energy towards which I'm so used to doing. The reason this is such a big deal is because for the last week I've been annoyed with myself for having crushes. Like I'm not allowed or at least it's a bad idea because... well. I'm husband shopping. I have to learn to be friends with guys and not seek them out simply for relationship purposes. It's very easy to be one track minded and get dissappointed... that describes my life with guys for the most part. I'm giving this frustration, lust and issue with guys to God and letting him help me direct that energy into something else. I don't want to deal with it.

Aside from this life is pretty awesome. I start teaching next week hopefully, I found out I got an 'A' on my German DIS, and today I pulled off a successful activity in my Russian class. I just have to get and keep myself out of my funks. Because honestly... they just don't matter.

"We're a moment in time, in the cycle of life"