Chime Alarm

Whenever I think about writing this entry I have the perfect opening and the right things to say. Then my day continues and I completely lose it all and decide not to write at all. I've decided to just go through with it anyway.

I've been convicted on many things since my last post. My being judgmental, harsh and critical, my deep seed to want to manipulate guys to get their attention even for a short while (just about the base reason for all my guy problems I've ever mentioned), my thought life and how that translates to how I respond to things, my lack of prayer and submission to God for all things in my life, my self-deception, my pride...

The last two weeks have been work to say the least. A lot of this confrontation started with this old journal I found that I've had since middle school. A little purple book with a flower on it with pages I had written when I was as young as 16, maybe? Lot's of scary thoughts I had when I was younger, song tabs I wrote and dated memories. I ripped all the pages out half intending to throw them away and half intending to sort through and keep some things... But I decided to use the newly blank journal as a prayer journal. Writing down names of people and stuff to pray for them specifically. I started it in my car one morning when I showed up really early and after writing it down I sat there and prayed out loud everything I had written. Some of the prayers turned into more beautiful topics for God to hear. It was liberating and the more I began to pray for me, the more I came to realize the majority of the things I listed earlier about myself. In all this prayer and all this realization I've also come to terms with what it means to be imperfect, what it means to need to the grace of God and what it means to be okay with not being or reaching perfection as long as I have this body and walk on this earth. This brought to the forefront why prayer is so important and why God needs to know my heart and I need to use my words and tell Him what He already knows, but will not touch unless I say them myself. In my weakness He is made strong and therefore His strength makes me stronger. This backward frame of logic finally started to sink in and I repent for my lack of prayer everyday... I repent with prayer for anyone and everyone and by asking what God's will is for me and what I can do to love with His love.

So since my last entry I've been through a lot. It's safe for me to say that my tension involving my erm... members has been kept under control and has been submitted entirely to God's hands. In fact a recent occurrence has lead me to believe that my husband is coming. Basically, God has told me "he's coming." I've decided to not let the thought go any further (even if for brief instances it already has). It's God's thing and all I can do is pray and wait until its fruition. It's pretty interesting timing, I'd like to mention because this was right after I'd begun to prayerfully unearth all my issues I had been holding back. In time also in the midst of my praying about my guy manipulation all of my emotions and feelings regarding certain guys have faded. I sat and had lunch with one guy who told me he didn't see us going any further because our faith was so different. Well, duh- but I was glad he was able to say what I knew months ago, but toyed around with. And a really good friend who I've had feelings for for quite a while came into town and my love for him as a person and for his soul trumped anything else I'd ever had for him. I had for him the kind of love that was perfected in my knowing and loving Jesus. I've been praying for him ever since then. It has been freeing to be content with being single, being okay with severing those emotional ties to men and simply relaxing in God's rest. So of course my husband is coming. Right as I've grown into being comfortable single. However the fun part is that I have no idea when. It could be years from now. It could be tomorrow. I get to sit here and be single and love God until he shows up. Then I'll love God and have the man God prepared me to be with. I'll take it.

"All these things about me,
You never can tell"

Befriending Loneliness and her friend Truth

It's 7:30 am since it turns out my clock DID NOT set itself back until just now when I rebooted my phone. It's a good start anyhow so I don't run the risk of being late. I typically don't like blogging when I'm in the middle of irritating things, but it's 7:30am. It wouldn't hurt for me to get some of this out.

A common problem that I've encountered in my life is what I call giving people titles and roles in my life which they don't deserve. I've done it throughout high school, pulled it off a lot in college, but I think I've gotten better at being realistic- which by the way does NOT equal leaning toward pessimism and "end of the world syndrome"

So I fell into the cycle with Truelove again (let me just say that I really cannot STAND that every time I blog, a guy of interest is mentioned. It drives me nuts!) But basically it was in that gray space phase, until I once again just couldn't deal with it. Gray space. You might have remembered this from Musca in my post "living with the gray." Well I finally have a proper understanding of what that is. Essentially it's having all the benefits of a caring relationship (minus sex, of course, in my case) and exclusivity without actually defining the situation as being a relationship. If someone were to ask you "So are you and so and so a thing now?" the answer in gray space is quite literally "I don't know" not "It's complicated." because it's not. So yeah third time is a charm, but it whipped around to the same conclusions. We are so fundamentally different that it would just not work. So now I'm kinda miffed because, during this time in my life he knows the absolute most about me except for a few people in my church. He knows about my medical issues, about my stress with teaching and the GRE, and about my hobbies, life goals, and how ridiculously stubborn I am. We connected on a bunch of really important levels which as a friend makes him pretty valuable to me. But apparently he can't see himself hanging out with me without noting the attraction between us (which is kind of BS), and he's given himself to the idea that he should just cut off all communication. Perfect. I don't care, anymore. I'm so sick of being left out to dry because someone just doesn't know how to control themselves, or make compromises to preserve the key aspects of friendships (in this case it's not like I'm not willing to get over my own attraction to be a good friend to him. I've done it before.) But now, I've had it. Because, you see, I'm tired. Probably just as tired as you are reading about dramatic encounters with men.

I'm tired of putting effort into things that just don't seem worth it to people.

And it doesn't merely end with relationship stuff with men. This level of apathy is seeping into my long time friendships too. Every day I seem to look up and find myself with less people to call and talk about things with. Or the people I would normally call are just way too busy. I find myself demoting people I'm close to in my own mind. Which in reality is kind of ridiculous. They probably shouldn't have had such a status in my own mind in the first place. People are people. There are some you show more respect to than others in regards to authority, there are some you are more comfortable with personally, but at the base level of it all people are people. Not all "Christians" are Christians, and not all people are who they claim they are. Moreover, there are very very very few people- like count them one hand few people- are your close/best friends. And it might actually be fewer than that. The fake is getting to me. The reality is hitting pretty hard. As far as I'm concerned I've reached a new level of feeling lonely. But it's the kind of lonely you get when you stop deceiving yourself, when you're walking with God and you aren't allowed to hold a case or grudges or any of that.

Perhaps this is a case of being a Woman of God in the world with soooooo many people of the world.

I'm finally just not caring anymore.

"Good time to roll on,

Good time to roll on,

Good time to roll on,

Good time to roll on..."

That Was Me

One of the last things I said tonight to one of the birthday boys at a party I attended after he burst into the room screaming about how "these [explitive] were trying to make [him] drink water." *sigh* :) Love is hard work no matter what angle your trying to go at it. Not more than 10 minutes after that I left.

It is true and I will share testimony that their comes a point in a social gathering when things stop being fun, especially when there is alcohol involved. "Nothing good ever happens after midnight." For me it's normally around one or later. Sure enough by 1:10 the comment was made and I was watching to weirdness ensue. Maybe I'm getting old? No. Just responsible. And smarter about those types of situations.

I did manage to talk to someone about purpose and give them a different perspective on life after a family is formed. It was uplifting and nice to talk to someone with a faith background and watch them light up. Not what I expected, but honestly it was the only actual conversation that I had with anyone the whole time I was there... aside from the ones that were struck because of my choice (and my following through) to remain sober and not have a drop of alcohol. Good thing too because it was tricky trying to leave the parking lot.

Some day I'll learn to leave a party at a pivotal moment when things start to change... I don't know when that would have been for this event. Probably around the time that the cake was brought out upon the arrival of some other friends around was it midnight? I didn't look at a clock the entire time I was there... Maybe I should try to gauge it by time...perhaps 12AM can be my cut off for going out... It was in Russia I don't see why it wouldn't translate to here. I'll have to keep that in mind next time.

But next time it will probably be my birthday :)

Gogol Bordello

I wrote this on Thursday the 30th before getting on the Greyhound in Orlando, so I've been diligent!

Weaknesses are pretty amazing. Mine just happen to include amazing music (Goo Goo Dolls, Chevelle, Gogol Bordello, 10 years), dancing, singing aloud, and a man who can utilize all three to make me happy without ever needing to land a single kiss.

The concert was absolutely amazing. Kevin was going to make his way down to the pit, and Kayla made mention to me that she wanted to head down and I just went along being totally complacent with whatever they wanted to do. And the mayhem ensued and I fell in love with the band over and over and over again.

And then Think Locally Fuck Globally was being played. And I felt the incredible urge to find a guy to waltz in the pit with… and boy did I ever pick a guy to dance with. It was totally random and he just became my dance partner a few songs later. And his name is Mike *face palm* We sang and danced and just had an absolute blast. He’s fluent in French (wtf!?), incredibly smart (turned down Columbia and Harvard ), super handsome, hot and used to be in a rock band, and he likes rap (…what?). And he is perhaps among the most incredibly sweet men I’ve ever come across. There were many times he could have made a move on me or vice versa and we both remained respectful (I told him about Marshall). But he definitely made me realize that Marshall really has some work to do to keep me. Mike GB (Mike from Gogol Bordello concert) gave me a lot of hope that not all men are dick heads. We hung out the next day and I felt everything that I wanted from Marshall… And began to question whether or not I’d ever be able to have it. Mike GB is probably a player of sorts, but he’s very good at keeping his composure as a gentlemen. I probably would have done something stupid if I weren’t hell bent keeping myself for people who are going to be with me (Marshall has me all the way). I just wish I didn’t have so much doubt about Marshall and I. Is it bad that I think that Mike GB would probably keep in contact with me more than Marshall would in a given week?

I understand that they are both guys and that I shouldn’t live in la-la land thinking of a guy that I’ll probably never see again and that I probably shouldn’t waste my time on a guy who isn’t willing to give me as much energy as I’m giving him. But dammit do I find myself in the predicament. It’ll go away eventually. Stupid boy weakness.

He told me I was beautiful and he thinks my hair is unique. I will most likely never see him again… probably by choice- don’t know if I could bare it.