How Then Shall (or Should) I ask?

I would normally attribute this to frustration and irritability with being premenstrual, but never in my life have I experienced what I have in the last three weeks. I've been annoyed with my church, I've been peeved at work and I've felt weak in my friendships. A long night of arguing about faith with a Jewish friend of mine has rendered me broken in talking to other friends about God. My lack of position t work and my position at work in and of it self has made me feel like a doormat used whenever someone else wants something their way. I'm tired of waking up early for something I don't wish to do. I'm tired of doing things I don't want to do because no one else want to do them. I'm tired of being put in a situation where I'm obligated to do things because I'm single and have no children. Some of this isn't real, but that doesn't take away the fact that I feel the way I do.

I don't know when it all started probably after "Date Week" [I spent 6 days in a row watching children so that families could go on dates for Valentines Day] But the steady frustration has been building. The tip of the ice berg was when I got the results of my doctor and dentist visits thwarting my goal to buy a car this year. I've been angry and quiet and intense ever since. I talked to Lani about it at prayer last Tuesday and I had to stick my neck out to not come off merely as a "20-something" that knew everything. Up to that point I had grown tired of the "trust God" and "put stuff at the altar" spiel. We got into the topic of asking, how to ask and what posture to take when asking. A few things got revealed to me in that conversation:

1) God will not be manipulated. Well duh. He's the King of the universe. Where this comes in for me is that I cannot ask God for things with the attitude of "well He's not going to do it anyway..." that's manipulation and is kind of the only way I know to respond. Which brings me to the next point.
2) My mother feels this way with any majorly important thing she wants. I've never watched my mother ask anyone for anything- not even God, who she claimed to believe. She did it all herself and to hell with anyone who got in the way.. Lani brought up the fact that though she asks for nothing she is utterly dependent and is entitle-oriented and thinks everyone owes her something including me.

Truth is that if I'm not careful and hard at work against this will be as crazy as she is.

So my problem is trusting- this weekend is one of the few opportunities I have to deal with my anger which has made me crazy. My first stop was All Saints. I got coffee and sat in the back porch area where I read a chapter in I Chronicles. I then moved to Galatians 3 and God called me out by verse 2.

"This only I want to learn from you: Did you receive the Spirit by works of the law, or by the hearing of faith?"

Well?

I had to dig back to when I first got saved. Why did I let God in? Because I wanted to follow rules? Nope! It was because I got fed up with not being happy with how my life was going. I recognized I didn't know what I was doing and I was apparently willing to give myself to God to achieve what I had seen in others- tranquility, calmness, sweetness among children and adults. I trusted God with me because deep down I knew it would change my life. I then thought of what God had done for me and the prayers I watched Him answer because He's answered many. He's answered my prayers regarding my character, regarding my personal sin, my attitude, my ways towards others. I've seen me change internally with prayer and faith that He would change me. 

But thinking of Him when when it came to external things was a different matter:

A) I hardly ever prayed for physical things.When I did they were either out of selfishness or flat out doubt.

B) Of the things I prayed for in doubt God answered them, but my heart and mind were never in a place to see them. Because they were not asked in faith I could not see the answered prayers as being nothing more than flukes.

This is the first time in my 3 2/3 years that I've really considered trusting God for stuff faithfully. Who knew it was this hard in real life? I know He loves me, but I want to *know* He loves me and I'm finally fitting in a posture to where I can receive some revelation of His love in faith rather than in doubt or out of some manipulative stance.

"[Am I] so foolish? Having begun in the Spirit [am I] now being made perfect by the flesh?"

Do I need to do everything myself? Since when have I?... Where did your heart fail? When did you feel alone in asking Me? When did I not provide for you? When have I not proven My love for you? Will I not do it again so long as you are Mine? Have you stopped being Mine? NO. So wait for Me. Ask Me and wait for Me. No more of this. If you want Me to show you I love you, wait. Ask and wait.

Before I Rise

I just finished watching Trigun in it's entirety again. A fantastic series of what it looks like when a being attempts to be good with the mercy of God and without the full knowledge of Jesus. It sweetens me up every time I see it.

Well I've been handling a lot lately- A wide spectrum ranging from Daddy issues and family drama, to career path finding and general life direction. Pressing day to day not having made even a choice of a goal has had me a little frazzled. There really is something to be said about God, at some point, letting you take the steering wheel of things... to be said about him letting you take the reigns and waiting to see what you will do. Right now I'm attempting to figure out what I will do. At first I was afraid of whatever I chose being the wrong thing and God having to correct me about it... Which is silly because if I lived by that logic I'd never move ever. Now I just can't come up with anything. I switch and soar between ideas of me being a simple Tallahassee citizen to an executive-esque hotshot traveling the world, to living on a farm and raising children be they my own or adopted. There are so many things I want to do and places I want to go and experiences I want to have... and yet I can't even figure out what the heck my next baby step is going to look like.

So how about it. Right now. I'll decide what I'm doing next. Haha This probably won't go anywhere... but it's worth a shot. Okay what do I not want? My pastor tells me that my problem is that I don't really know what I *Don't* want out of life... So yeah. What Do I not want?:

1. I don't want to lose my soul in the process of gaining whatever I decide. My relationship with God is the most important aspect to my life and the Truth is something I plan on holding on to for the rest of my life and throughout my career.
2. I don't want to sit still. Admittedly I want to go places, preferably whenever I want, but given that it's my career we're talking about I'll accept that as a potential impossibility in my line of work.
3. I don't want dishonest work. Kind of goes without saying, but if I have to compromise the Truth or the law in order to fulfill a career path I want nothing to do with it. I pray that doesn't change about me.
4. I want to type that I don't want to be hungry or homeless because of my profession, but a part of me feels like I need to be more freeing of that aspect. God is in control and if this were to be my circumstance I know He'd have a point in putting me through something like this.
5. I don't want my career to be me running. I'm very prone to running away from things and using fairly decent causes (school, work, bettering myself) as vectors to me getting far far away from situations or people. I have nothing to run from here where I am now... and I don't want my career to be a means of me escaping something that needs no escaping from.
6. I don't want my career to be something I want more than a family. I want it to be something I can set down for the man I love. For the children I believe are in my future. No matter how 'amazing' or successful I become, I want my career to be something I can let go of relatively easily for the people that matter most.
7. I don't want my career to be boring. If I can avoid sitting at desk every single day and be able to do things and have an affect daily that would be awesome. Life is too short for boring. I would imagine it's also to short to have a boring career.

Those are a good start I think. It seems like my perspective on my career is a matter of great importance. Seems rather solid to me. How about somethings I do want:

1. A traveling job. Can I just face it? I want to see the world, the good and the bad, the great and the small. I want to get safely lost, and meet the rest of the planet's people- as many as I can. I want to meet more people to love and to pray for. I want to see the landscaping God magnificently created for both Himself and us.
2. A job where I make a stellar pay check. Money isn't everything, but the more of it I have the more influential I can be. I can support my fellowship, I can give and give and give and give. I want to live lavishly and/or modestly and still give. I've been attempting to figure it out in my heart if I could live a crazy luxurious life style and still bring glory to God. I want to know some day if I could. If on the way there I find that I can't, however... I want to leave the thought behind. Until then a girl can sweetly dream right?
3. A job that is or is located near a place full of people that love Jesus as much as I do. I know and see that the world is not all that interested in the love of God, but I know God's kingdom is vast and great- if I seek Him diligently He'll add that element of life to me.
4. A job where I can still enjoy life. I want to be able to read books when I get home, or have time for activities with people. A career where my work place doesn't eat up more than 50% of my life.

That's really as specific as I can get. These are pretty good guidelines so I suppose I can't complain. I've considered the financial field, education, missions work, some type of non-doctoral medical practice. At some point I just need to chose one. I'll be sure to write once I legitimately decide.

"I got buried; No it won't be long before I rise in song!"

With Every Start

So I'm reading this book called "The Joy of Being a Woman" by Ingrid Trobisch and I've been learning a lot about myself. The book is a bit dated, but I've read passages and proceeded to shout 'That's what that is?!" or "That's why I do that!" It's been really good for me. It makes my female-ness less of a mystery and helps me feel like I can be normal as a woman.

The best part is paying close attention to my behavior and thoughts when I'm going through a hard time and realizing "I'm premenstrual!" In previous posts I've mentioned how much I hate attributing my feeling bad to me being hormonal. It's taken some time but I've realized that if I turn down my drama-o-meter consistently and look at my calendar it's usually the case... and it's okay that it's the case.

I've given myself a really hard time whenever I trip up mentally or spiritually, but most of the time I just need to give myself a break, because I'm not being nearly as awful as I've made myself out to be. Whenever I'm hormonal I find myself truly believing that my faith is ripping to shreds and that I'm failing God with every step I take. Then in two or three days something amazing happens and I have spiritual break through with someone and I get to share Truth and the Word. It's a consistent pattern that I seem to forget about a lot.

So for the women out there who go through this strange spiritual depression where they feel as if they are going to screw up and fall away from God in a day or in the next hour- seriously consider your hormonal calendar. Men may call us unpredictable, but we can usually and correctly contribute mental mood shifts to our bodies doing what they do best (baby making prep!)

I've been trying to douse myself in the word of God whenever I start feeling this way. My fear of falling away makes me work twice as hard, which I think is kind of funny.

If you love the Lord with all your heart, you'll be hard pressed to stray.

I found myself admitting to Him this morning rather painfully that if I were tempted sexually and I had to choose between Him and the temptation I would not choose Him.

A few things I came to understand in that conversation with Him:
1) I am a sinner. There is a reason why the prophets and disciples and Jesus Himself tell us to stay in the light- don't get caught up with those who do not believe and love the King. No matter how righteous we think we are, given the circumstances we can be made weak and falter.

2) If you are in a deep relationship with God and He knows you, He WILL NOT let you fall. You had better believe if you fear the Lord He'll snatch you up and convict you. It's your choice whether you give an ear and heed your conscience. The Holy Spirit is your guide and God will be very clear in His will. God is God - if you are slipping up, He has the power and sovereignty to get you out whether you like it or not. Be faithful, He's forever faithful.

3) Healing is something that happens in time. Never will I condone sin or make excuses for it. The Lord does, however, know your heart and knows it that much more if you are communicating with Him. He knows where you're struggling, He knows where you are hurting and where you fall over and over. He hears you and wants to help you. He will pick you up and give you the strength to try again to be right in your repentance whether you only need to repent once or repent 1000 times. He sees your effort and where you are and if you are sincere honesty and loving Him, He will provide grace. Don't worry. There is no condemnation in the Holy Spirit. Only conviction. If you have a pit fall be strong, for He is with you always in everything.


Sometimes when I write I get healed and comforted. This has been one of those posts where I write about the truth even though right before writing it out I actually don't believe it. It's nice to know that God is speaking to me through so many things... including myself.

"Stars! Hide your fires! These here are my desires and I won't give them up to you this time around. So! I'll be found with this stake stuck in this ground- marking the territory of this newly impassioned soul!"

Chime Alarm

Whenever I think about writing this entry I have the perfect opening and the right things to say. Then my day continues and I completely lose it all and decide not to write at all. I've decided to just go through with it anyway.

I've been convicted on many things since my last post. My being judgmental, harsh and critical, my deep seed to want to manipulate guys to get their attention even for a short while (just about the base reason for all my guy problems I've ever mentioned), my thought life and how that translates to how I respond to things, my lack of prayer and submission to God for all things in my life, my self-deception, my pride...

The last two weeks have been work to say the least. A lot of this confrontation started with this old journal I found that I've had since middle school. A little purple book with a flower on it with pages I had written when I was as young as 16, maybe? Lot's of scary thoughts I had when I was younger, song tabs I wrote and dated memories. I ripped all the pages out half intending to throw them away and half intending to sort through and keep some things... But I decided to use the newly blank journal as a prayer journal. Writing down names of people and stuff to pray for them specifically. I started it in my car one morning when I showed up really early and after writing it down I sat there and prayed out loud everything I had written. Some of the prayers turned into more beautiful topics for God to hear. It was liberating and the more I began to pray for me, the more I came to realize the majority of the things I listed earlier about myself. In all this prayer and all this realization I've also come to terms with what it means to be imperfect, what it means to need to the grace of God and what it means to be okay with not being or reaching perfection as long as I have this body and walk on this earth. This brought to the forefront why prayer is so important and why God needs to know my heart and I need to use my words and tell Him what He already knows, but will not touch unless I say them myself. In my weakness He is made strong and therefore His strength makes me stronger. This backward frame of logic finally started to sink in and I repent for my lack of prayer everyday... I repent with prayer for anyone and everyone and by asking what God's will is for me and what I can do to love with His love.

So since my last entry I've been through a lot. It's safe for me to say that my tension involving my erm... members has been kept under control and has been submitted entirely to God's hands. In fact a recent occurrence has lead me to believe that my husband is coming. Basically, God has told me "he's coming." I've decided to not let the thought go any further (even if for brief instances it already has). It's God's thing and all I can do is pray and wait until its fruition. It's pretty interesting timing, I'd like to mention because this was right after I'd begun to prayerfully unearth all my issues I had been holding back. In time also in the midst of my praying about my guy manipulation all of my emotions and feelings regarding certain guys have faded. I sat and had lunch with one guy who told me he didn't see us going any further because our faith was so different. Well, duh- but I was glad he was able to say what I knew months ago, but toyed around with. And a really good friend who I've had feelings for for quite a while came into town and my love for him as a person and for his soul trumped anything else I'd ever had for him. I had for him the kind of love that was perfected in my knowing and loving Jesus. I've been praying for him ever since then. It has been freeing to be content with being single, being okay with severing those emotional ties to men and simply relaxing in God's rest. So of course my husband is coming. Right as I've grown into being comfortable single. However the fun part is that I have no idea when. It could be years from now. It could be tomorrow. I get to sit here and be single and love God until he shows up. Then I'll love God and have the man God prepared me to be with. I'll take it.

"All these things about me,
You never can tell"

Substitution

This song impresses me so much because it brings out my inner aggravation with people that just can not take the blame for anything... can't take responsibility for anything.... just love being the victim in all their circumstances. The song poses such great solutions to problems to someone who keeps being whirl-winded by their own self-induced drama. Quite brilliant.

How am I?.... Good question... How exactly am I? I'm good. Incredibly sexually frustrated. Like it's in new heights these days and I can't explain it. It's really a pain. Crushes suck, as usual. I'm finding myself this week to be drawing back. Not necessarily isolating, but pulling back before I do some major damage. I slipped back into my over exerting self recently and that is never any fun. I'm trying to keep my little midget that embodies my sexual frustration at bay. I'm hoping for El Jalisco to come along at some point (wonderfully constructed inside joke between Tra and I).

I've been going out quite a bit recently. Like out to party and drink and such. The disenchantment that I've always had with it still remains, but I think an inner part of me is concerned about not being social and taking advantage of the fact that people are FINALLY inviting me to things. It never happened that much before this year. I guess I like the um... thought? That people greet me when I show up. That people ask me where I am if I'm not where the group is. And it's usually a different group per week. I'm not caught up with it I don't think- it gets too expensive. But I always walk away wondering if I have any friends there. Or if it's worth me seeing people in their worst state... doing things they would normally not do intoxicated. Not being the one with the drama for once, it's stunning to watch hearts break and guards get let down and confusion encompass a night.

My inhibitions were broken a little bit early in the weekend. It ended on a sweet note, but I'm hating myself for it. The over exertion I mentioned had to do with this guy (surprise surprise) and I did some extra nudging and finally got him to hang out with me. Totally innocent we drove around for a while and then talked in my car in front of his place for a long time. It was a good helpful talk I hope. He seemed to gain a lot from it. But I left feeling... terrible. Like the swarm of emotional stuff that I suppressed to talk to him had resurfaced the moment he got out of my car and I felt... feel... rejected. Like I burned myself somehow. I'm hoping that some of this is just me being a girl and it's all in my head. It usually is. I think I just want to not spark anymore of these feelings and if I have them I want to not act on them in any way.

Man I'm incredibly emotional recently. I think I'm premenstrual. Awesome. Just what I needed. The exaggerated feeling I have right now is pain from embarrassment and rejection, that I actually haven't really experienced embarrassment. What am I embarrassed about? Being goofy with a guy and getting him to drive to wal-mart with me which resulted in a sweet talk about his personal life? Rejected? If he didn't want to hang out with me he would have said no. It was not a topic for discussion and it doesn't really matter if he's interested in me or not. Okay so I think he's.... lots of really awesome things, but am I going to muddle my friendship with him over all that with being upset that he doesn't want to date me? Is that not the most insecure pile of crap you've dealt with in a while?

So what do you do? Me? I... um....

You just relax and give it to God.

There it is again. The Christian way to handle things.

Do I lie to you?

You have no room to.

There you go. Seriously pray about it and let it go.

"It's so easy to see anyone can agree just let it go."

So there you have it. I need to stop going out or at least take an intense break from it for a while. I need to pray more and talk to God about the silly and even insignificant things in my life as well as put my sexuality in His trust. He knows what He is doing and He will work things out the way they ought to be because He loves me. I need to enjoy, relax and be thankful for life. I need to take responsibility for myself and stop playing the victim where I have been. Calling a spade a spade is a good start.

"When reactions turn into hurricanes, and the middle ground seems a little tame, whether full or empty it's all the same. It's so easy to see anyone can agree you're not to blame."

*rolls eyes*

Let's Start Over

The semester is starting on amazing note I'd say. My days are long, my classes are cool, and I'm pretty much drama free. The gym is my new morning pastime and I've made an extra special investment mentally with my ballet class. I told a few people that I didn't really have any new years resolutions, but I think I had goals which I guess could count.

Seeing my mother was work. I managed to go the whole trip without any arguments or major blow ups... Most of that was due to my holding my tongue on my numerous amount of criticisms on the way she lives. I still despise where she lives and it really does bother me how she lives, but I said nothing. And at points where she was doing something that could be labeled as crazy I threw up my hands and just thought internally "Eff it! If you want to be crazy be crazy!" <-- That was hard because normally I try to make sense of it or rationalize it and I'd just get frustrated. No more. Crazy is as crazy does and I've become okay with not giving it any merit. All this to say that I have truly come up with goals or resolutions or what have you that are aimed toward not being like my mother. I always said that I wanted to be nothing like my mother, but I never thought out a framework as to how to make that happen. So here it is.

1. Body. In taking ballet I've kind have entered in a form of bodily discipline especially with working out and eating properly (I mean who doesn't want to look good in a leotard?) I'm going to the gym as often as possible, two days a week at the very least. My mom has a hard taking care of herself and I simply would like to not have a hard time doing so.
2. Mind. Aim well in my classes. I love my history course this semester and my planning courses are good areas for discussion and challenging thoughts. If I had time I'd read a book a month on some random subject. It would take discipline but I would like to keep my mind active in that way. My mom is trying in her aiming for her certification. It's encouraging to see.
3. Music. Being extra careful in what I ingest musically is rather important. Considering the message of the music is a big deal. Sometimes I wonder if my mother believes some of the lyrics to the songs she listens to, but it's not my place to question it especially considering some of the junk I've listened to in my life time so far.
4. Relationally. I NEED to keep people around me, preferably people that love me and are honest. I need people to point out things that are weird that I do. I need people to love on and to love me. Isolation is really not an option. I think isolation and bad relationships has backed my mom into a corner mentally. She seems so disconnected and thinking on it it's not surprising given the men who have hurt her and the pathetic situations she's ended up in (that I have to remember are NOT my fault NOR my responsibility. Even if I feel like they are sometimes)
5. Cutting Ties. I save so much time and energy when I let go of people that are wasting them. I've watched mom waste away so much effort on people, not just men, who just have nothing to offer in their friendships with her. Even the people closest to her she seems to keep around or has an excuse to be involved with them for some strange reason. I think I'm over that now. I'm going to start acting like I'm over it. [This actually ties into my issue of taking on people that God hasn't really meant for me to be involved with. I'm feeling the effects of it.]

I never thought if that much before because I used to think that I was so tough... but all of these things are hard, but necessary for me to overcome- and obviously I have not overcome them entirely. I like this me. I constantly try to remember to sit up straight and walk tall. I work out. I laugh and I sleep like a baby. I feel free. Even with the work ahead of me I feel free. Thank you, God in heaven.

Future Foe Scenarios

Maybe it's a product of being a young Christian. Or perhaps it's something that comes with being weak in the faith or prone to sine and cosine graph emotions. Maybe you've experienced it in your walk with Jesus.

Anxiety. Pop-quiz style anxiety. A number of things could be triggering it so it's not something that can have an easily pin-pointed solution. Right now for me it could either be going to West Palm for 2 or 3 nights, or applying to graduate schools and feeling inadequate because of my current GRE score, or my failure at handling situations with people in church, or my failure at cleaning the bathroom for months. It's so annoying because I KNOW that none of these things matter. I KNOW that none of these things are nearly as large as my mind is currently making them out to be. And yet some how they get inflated. Disgustingly inflated. The advice I hear about these things is simple: Pray, give it to God, confront the person with whom the issue is with, be the bigger person, be sweet, and/or run to God.

Do you ever feel like you've either done it so little or so much you forget what that looks like? It boggles my mind because I've experienced the results of handling all types of things in the ways aforementioned and somehow... somehow I just.... forget. I have to wonder if I'm doing something wrong, if there is a pattern I'm seeking out that doesn't exist, or if I'm just an idiot. Curse me - my body and my brain since every stinkin thing that I wish not to do- being disobedient, inconsiderate, spiteful, dramatic, gossip-y, misbehaving attitude wise, etc., I end up doing! I'm not perfect. And my arms are not up screaming "I'm not perfect get off my back!" but rather "I'm not perfect and it's so blatantly obvious every time I try to do something."

So what do I do?

Praise God for His amazing patience with me. He knows I need it.

I blame Christmas. I don't know what it is, but I do not feel like it means anything. I love Jesus, He is my King, I graciously and gladly await His return, but this holiday junk has lost its flare with me. When was Christmas exciting to me? And when did it stop? It feels so easy to pass that on to the first few times my mom decided working Christmas day was important. Or the time my former "step-grandmother" told me that her birthday was just another day. All this holiday vigor and excitement got consumed and lost by the drive for a paycheck. Thanks life! Because now this piece of crap winter break has been driving me further and further away from anything relating to a family the more it makes me realize that my family IS NOT a functioning family.

The funny part about it all is that this is one of the first Christmas' that my mom has chosen to take off in a while. And I don't want to see her for it. What do you do when the bridge has caught flame dozens of times and all that's left is this narrow weak path way that you have to walk and pray you don't fall off of? Especially after you've fallen foolishly so many times before. I spend all this time either feeling totally okay and justified steering clear of my family or I spend a ton of time feeling guilty for avoiding them and not wanting to make real amends. Maybe all the forgiveness that I thought I had for my mom and my uncle is just disguised apathy? How I wish I just didn't care. But then again there are lots of things that are history that I wish I just didn't care about.

I'm still alone.

I think I managed to successfully kid myself into thinking that all the loneliness stuff I mentioned earlier was just temporary. Stuff like that is not temporary. It's as prevalent and relevant as it was when I first found it to be true. I get told that I should talk to God about problems, but that I need people. So since I know I need God... when do I actually need people? I feel alone anyway, right? I know that I shouldn't set my heart, worth, weight or what have you in people since they'll let me down, if not immediately then eventually... so what do I need people for? What's a husband for? What's a friend for?

These questions are probably all easy to answer, but at the moment I probably won't be convinced of anything until I stop being so angry at everything (another symptom of my anxiety it would seem.)

"This revolution, baby

Proves who you work for lately

Who do you work for, baby?

And does it work for you, lately?