Today was a little better. The anger-with-everyone trend is still existent, but they're is an underlying peace that exists now. So I'm taking it as a good sign that my prayers are being answered and this transformation will start from the inside.
I've been trying to be sweet and love the people that let me. Sometimes it doesn't seem to work out as well as I'd like for it to, but I can't have it all. I have really amazing brothers and sisters. All of which who are not related to me by blood. God has been blessing me with amazing friends since before I developed a true relationship with him. Even though they are not walking with him I know that he's placed them in my life and me and theirs. The love I have for my close friends I consider like Brothers (Kevin, Klein, Tito, Britt) and Sisters (Kayla, Gio,Taryn) runs pretty deep. Even in my frustration with them at times, I know that I would have my door open to them if they needed my help.
And then there is my new found family in Christ; and that is just overwhelming and wonderful too. They are the ones who convince me and encourage me to love and be sweet to people even when they hurt me and relate to me with my struggles... I guess this is just my acknowledgment to all the people I love and letting people know that I love them.
Life has been really nice lately. It has been for a while, but my frustrations tend to cloud the reality that things are going very sweetly. My boy update simply includes me courting a few guys who don't even (and will probably never) know they're being courted. And at this point it's all just for me to exercise my restraint and learn it's okay to be attracted to someone and not feel the need to pursue them. This is my own list just by initials or title lol
J.B. - Sweet guy; a really kind open demeanor; is a little intense in his community service... like it makes him... kinda weird; has a girlfriend and wasn't very anxious to share lol; Status - Done courting So apparently he broke up with his girl friend just a few days after we talked about him. "Quiet courting" on my end is still inactive, but he did play the guitar for me today (10/2) at lunch :)
German Boy - So this is silly. It's this kid who I am familiar with in my German class, but I've never held a conversation with him ever. But whenever I have left German class this week he's... kinda walked with me. It's so dumb. lol. But I'll walk next or ahead of him a few paces. And he'll walk in front of me a few paces. It's cute. Though he probably either has a girlfriend or he's not interested in me at all and it's all in my head. Either way it's something to be playful about while I walk to microeconomics. Called it! He has a girlfriend. She is very pretty too. :)
EFM - If I could marry this guy I would. He's handsome, sweet, wonderful and a great friend. And I want to be sweet and friendly towards him even if it hurts... And it hurts so much. And I know I'll never have a chance.
That's all really. And I'm alright with that.
"You are Welcome."
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
Half Assed
Okay I was bad. I wanted to write yesterday, but I was lazy/busy at the same time.
So it seems like the theme for this week is : PEOPLE THAT IRRITATE THE SHIT OUT OF ME.
Not uncommon right? Nothing that we all haven't faced at some point in our lives? Well apparently it's something i need to work on- according to God. Some who might read this are thinking "what does God have to do with that?" Well... everything. The way things have panned out lately, it's like I NEED to build a sweetness and tolerance towards people otherwise I'm liable to go to jail for snapping on someone for being stupid. This last week has been nothing but little trials of my patience. And there is nothing wrong with the fact that I get irritated, but it's the fact that I cannot seem to put up with being the bigger person EVERY SINGLE TIME.
It's a really hard process. Being a Christian, I mean. I'm really beginning to understand why I failed twice after being saved and lost track of it all when I was a bit younger. I'm really glad that this is the real deal for me, I'm glad that I'm making this continuous effort... this life long effort to get to someone who is so amazing.
I feel really good knowing about Christianity the way I do now. I kinda wish my family were more interested in helping me develop my relationship with God rather than having me only go to church and pray over food and pray before I go to sleep thinking that that was the way for me to live by God. None of that hurts at all... but there was a whole element missing. An element that I don't think they truly grasp (Maybe they do, but I can't tell) But the element of one not belonging to themselves... but to God. This is another struggle I've been taking note of little by little...
Trusting God with absolutely everything: My hair *wince*... yeah I take care of it and love it but it's not mine... My body as a whole... I can do as I want, but if treat it like it's mine and/or violate it because "it belongs to me" He'll show me who it belongs to I'm sure without a doubt... My love life- if I am in constant control of my love life, God will not intervene and do His work for me... And we all know how that turns out. This logic should apply to everything. I am his vessel and I want to trust him so much. And though I will never be perfect in so many regards to him... to try and trust him is to try and have faith. And God does not disappoint when you take out the "ME" factor. I'm learning about that too.
But now that I'm done crying about trying to not to be a half assed Christian, I'm going to take a nap.
If I could just simply realize that absolutely none of the things that bog me down matter, and the things that seem to truly matter should be given to God, I wouldn't need to complain... or go to counseling...
So it seems like the theme for this week is : PEOPLE THAT IRRITATE THE SHIT OUT OF ME.
Not uncommon right? Nothing that we all haven't faced at some point in our lives? Well apparently it's something i need to work on- according to God. Some who might read this are thinking "what does God have to do with that?" Well... everything. The way things have panned out lately, it's like I NEED to build a sweetness and tolerance towards people otherwise I'm liable to go to jail for snapping on someone for being stupid. This last week has been nothing but little trials of my patience. And there is nothing wrong with the fact that I get irritated, but it's the fact that I cannot seem to put up with being the bigger person EVERY SINGLE TIME.
- When the girls in my dorm DON'T: Flush the toilet, wash their hands after using the bathroom, shut the water completely off in the shower;
- When the asshole T.A. decides to completely break down every bit of work and effort I put into changing my way of thinking in microeconomics by making me consider the very thing I had to omit in the first place to end the confusion;
- When the girl who offers to give me a ride to the grocery store (a tiny miracle, btw) makes me realize 1 minute into our journey that she can't drive and she's completely AWKWARD;
- When a girl during a fellowship bible study actively believes that Christians were cannibals because she misheard 3 sentences and doesn't even question it;
- When someone calls me and inquires about my cooking only to cut me off mid-explanation to say why he really called and thing hangs up;
- Flushing the toilets and turning off the water in the showers if needed
- Getting help with my microeconomics by everyone else who ISN'T that guy
- Inviting this strange girl to hang out with me and my neo-family for pancakes
- Being patient and realizing that her personality ties in a lot with the way her brain works. Her brain is a thousand miles a minute and she portrays that. I just need to be patient and willing to help her where I can to understand.
- I should understand that he's ADD and that will happen... and if he meant to do it, It doesn't really matter.
It's a really hard process. Being a Christian, I mean. I'm really beginning to understand why I failed twice after being saved and lost track of it all when I was a bit younger. I'm really glad that this is the real deal for me, I'm glad that I'm making this continuous effort... this life long effort to get to someone who is so amazing.
I feel really good knowing about Christianity the way I do now. I kinda wish my family were more interested in helping me develop my relationship with God rather than having me only go to church and pray over food and pray before I go to sleep thinking that that was the way for me to live by God. None of that hurts at all... but there was a whole element missing. An element that I don't think they truly grasp (Maybe they do, but I can't tell) But the element of one not belonging to themselves... but to God. This is another struggle I've been taking note of little by little...
Trusting God with absolutely everything: My hair *wince*... yeah I take care of it and love it but it's not mine... My body as a whole... I can do as I want, but if treat it like it's mine and/or violate it because "it belongs to me" He'll show me who it belongs to I'm sure without a doubt... My love life- if I am in constant control of my love life, God will not intervene and do His work for me... And we all know how that turns out. This logic should apply to everything. I am his vessel and I want to trust him so much. And though I will never be perfect in so many regards to him... to try and trust him is to try and have faith. And God does not disappoint when you take out the "ME" factor. I'm learning about that too.
But now that I'm done crying about trying to not to be a half assed Christian, I'm going to take a nap.
If I could just simply realize that absolutely none of the things that bog me down matter, and the things that seem to truly matter should be given to God, I wouldn't need to complain... or go to counseling...
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Another Thursday
Alright so it happened. I had a nice long emotional cry over Marshall... again lol. And it was all because of me not feeling pretty. I'm going to be irrational just for a moment and make a claim that it's my birth control making me all off because I've been really inconsistent with my dosages (I don't have a sex life to scare me into taking them like clockwork) I thought about it a little bit, but I wonder if this is how I ultimately felt after every instance where a guy has broken my heart... I just never sat down long enough to notice because I had a new heart breaking replacement in almost no time...
Today I'm just not staying in my room. An idle mind is the Devil's workshop.
So I've been sick for the last 4 days. Not the flu. Just a chest cold... an elongated one that I blame mostly on the disgusting girls on my floor (some of them have a phobia of flushing the toilet and washing their hands...ick) Anyway I've been alright for the most part. Today I'm just clearing up my lingering congestion. I've actually spent the majority of my time in my room since last Thursday. Nothing overly exciting or mind blowing has happened.
I can't watch movies based on curses anymore. Which is funny because I used to really enjoy scary movies... And now I'm a big wuss... Well at least that's what my friends think. Basically I can't watch movies that are about a deep frightening power based off of the devil or evil or whatever. And no- this has nothing to do with me being saved. In fact I had this notion since some time before becoming a Christian. I had some experiences in Germany, some random encounters on campus... Even when I was younger just creepy shit happened that I still can't explain. I can watch gore and action movies, but scary movies I'm not cool with.
This might be a two part-er... I might come back with more to write. I'm still in my lazy stage of the day.
I hate having to convince myself some days that I'm attractive when other days I just simply KNOW I AM...
Today I'm just not staying in my room. An idle mind is the Devil's workshop.
So I've been sick for the last 4 days. Not the flu. Just a chest cold... an elongated one that I blame mostly on the disgusting girls on my floor (some of them have a phobia of flushing the toilet and washing their hands...ick) Anyway I've been alright for the most part. Today I'm just clearing up my lingering congestion. I've actually spent the majority of my time in my room since last Thursday. Nothing overly exciting or mind blowing has happened.
I can't watch movies based on curses anymore. Which is funny because I used to really enjoy scary movies... And now I'm a big wuss... Well at least that's what my friends think. Basically I can't watch movies that are about a deep frightening power based off of the devil or evil or whatever. And no- this has nothing to do with me being saved. In fact I had this notion since some time before becoming a Christian. I had some experiences in Germany, some random encounters on campus... Even when I was younger just creepy shit happened that I still can't explain. I can watch gore and action movies, but scary movies I'm not cool with.
This might be a two part-er... I might come back with more to write. I'm still in my lazy stage of the day.
I hate having to convince myself some days that I'm attractive when other days I just simply KNOW I AM...
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Highs and Lows
I'm getting closer to having another day that is simply another day.
Ups and downs are becoming frequent. One minute I'm a star and the next I feel like I'm emotionally where I started 4 months ago. I'm just taking in my triumphs and blessings and living in them every chance I feel I should. No more of this "my accomplishments aren't that big of a deal" crap. I've had lots of blessings lately and I ought to acknowledge them as such.
The only thing that's been irritating me this past week (still ranging in the Boy/Men department) is that I think... I think I miss Marshall. And I don't know why. It could be because that I'm remember the "good" memories instead of wanting to burn his face off. Or it could be that I'm still pitying him. Like I'm still in that whole "I've got to/I know how to fix him" mode. Very disgusting thing that girls really ought to be aware of. And I am more than guilty of such an approach when it comes to men. God did a very funny thing to me on Tuesday of my group ("Find God in everything that happens") This guy walks in... and he is everything that I'd go for. Fairly tall, insecure, dealing with a "god complex", handsome, and self loathing with a history. It took every cell in my body to not be "kind" and extend out a hand and give him my number for him to call me whenever on the first day he was there. I had to look at myself, my motives, and face my sexual frustration full force as a Christian.
I talked to Lani about it and he said that it's normal to be sexually frustrated especially in my age. And he said it's okay to date only not in the typical societal definition of dating (which generally includes sex and co-dependency) A big part of me wants to practice this lol. I want to be able to have a boyfriend and not sleep with him, and not throw excessive amounts of energy towards which I'm so used to doing. The reason this is such a big deal is because for the last week I've been annoyed with myself for having crushes. Like I'm not allowed or at least it's a bad idea because... well. I'm husband shopping. I have to learn to be friends with guys and not seek them out simply for relationship purposes. It's very easy to be one track minded and get dissappointed... that describes my life with guys for the most part. I'm giving this frustration, lust and issue with guys to God and letting him help me direct that energy into something else. I don't want to deal with it.
Aside from this life is pretty awesome. I start teaching next week hopefully, I found out I got an 'A' on my German DIS, and today I pulled off a successful activity in my Russian class. I just have to get and keep myself out of my funks. Because honestly... they just don't matter.
"We're a moment in time, in the cycle of life"
Ups and downs are becoming frequent. One minute I'm a star and the next I feel like I'm emotionally where I started 4 months ago. I'm just taking in my triumphs and blessings and living in them every chance I feel I should. No more of this "my accomplishments aren't that big of a deal" crap. I've had lots of blessings lately and I ought to acknowledge them as such.
The only thing that's been irritating me this past week (still ranging in the Boy/Men department) is that I think... I think I miss Marshall. And I don't know why. It could be because that I'm remember the "good" memories instead of wanting to burn his face off. Or it could be that I'm still pitying him. Like I'm still in that whole "I've got to/I know how to fix him" mode. Very disgusting thing that girls really ought to be aware of. And I am more than guilty of such an approach when it comes to men. God did a very funny thing to me on Tuesday of my group ("Find God in everything that happens") This guy walks in... and he is everything that I'd go for. Fairly tall, insecure, dealing with a "god complex", handsome, and self loathing with a history. It took every cell in my body to not be "kind" and extend out a hand and give him my number for him to call me whenever on the first day he was there. I had to look at myself, my motives, and face my sexual frustration full force as a Christian.
I talked to Lani about it and he said that it's normal to be sexually frustrated especially in my age. And he said it's okay to date only not in the typical societal definition of dating (which generally includes sex and co-dependency) A big part of me wants to practice this lol. I want to be able to have a boyfriend and not sleep with him, and not throw excessive amounts of energy towards which I'm so used to doing. The reason this is such a big deal is because for the last week I've been annoyed with myself for having crushes. Like I'm not allowed or at least it's a bad idea because... well. I'm husband shopping. I have to learn to be friends with guys and not seek them out simply for relationship purposes. It's very easy to be one track minded and get dissappointed... that describes my life with guys for the most part. I'm giving this frustration, lust and issue with guys to God and letting him help me direct that energy into something else. I don't want to deal with it.
Aside from this life is pretty awesome. I start teaching next week hopefully, I found out I got an 'A' on my German DIS, and today I pulled off a successful activity in my Russian class. I just have to get and keep myself out of my funks. Because honestly... they just don't matter.
"We're a moment in time, in the cycle of life"
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