Before I Rise

I just finished watching Trigun in it's entirety again. A fantastic series of what it looks like when a being attempts to be good with the mercy of God and without the full knowledge of Jesus. It sweetens me up every time I see it.

Well I've been handling a lot lately- A wide spectrum ranging from Daddy issues and family drama, to career path finding and general life direction. Pressing day to day not having made even a choice of a goal has had me a little frazzled. There really is something to be said about God, at some point, letting you take the steering wheel of things... to be said about him letting you take the reigns and waiting to see what you will do. Right now I'm attempting to figure out what I will do. At first I was afraid of whatever I chose being the wrong thing and God having to correct me about it... Which is silly because if I lived by that logic I'd never move ever. Now I just can't come up with anything. I switch and soar between ideas of me being a simple Tallahassee citizen to an executive-esque hotshot traveling the world, to living on a farm and raising children be they my own or adopted. There are so many things I want to do and places I want to go and experiences I want to have... and yet I can't even figure out what the heck my next baby step is going to look like.

So how about it. Right now. I'll decide what I'm doing next. Haha This probably won't go anywhere... but it's worth a shot. Okay what do I not want? My pastor tells me that my problem is that I don't really know what I *Don't* want out of life... So yeah. What Do I not want?:

1. I don't want to lose my soul in the process of gaining whatever I decide. My relationship with God is the most important aspect to my life and the Truth is something I plan on holding on to for the rest of my life and throughout my career.
2. I don't want to sit still. Admittedly I want to go places, preferably whenever I want, but given that it's my career we're talking about I'll accept that as a potential impossibility in my line of work.
3. I don't want dishonest work. Kind of goes without saying, but if I have to compromise the Truth or the law in order to fulfill a career path I want nothing to do with it. I pray that doesn't change about me.
4. I want to type that I don't want to be hungry or homeless because of my profession, but a part of me feels like I need to be more freeing of that aspect. God is in control and if this were to be my circumstance I know He'd have a point in putting me through something like this.
5. I don't want my career to be me running. I'm very prone to running away from things and using fairly decent causes (school, work, bettering myself) as vectors to me getting far far away from situations or people. I have nothing to run from here where I am now... and I don't want my career to be a means of me escaping something that needs no escaping from.
6. I don't want my career to be something I want more than a family. I want it to be something I can set down for the man I love. For the children I believe are in my future. No matter how 'amazing' or successful I become, I want my career to be something I can let go of relatively easily for the people that matter most.
7. I don't want my career to be boring. If I can avoid sitting at desk every single day and be able to do things and have an affect daily that would be awesome. Life is too short for boring. I would imagine it's also to short to have a boring career.

Those are a good start I think. It seems like my perspective on my career is a matter of great importance. Seems rather solid to me. How about somethings I do want:

1. A traveling job. Can I just face it? I want to see the world, the good and the bad, the great and the small. I want to get safely lost, and meet the rest of the planet's people- as many as I can. I want to meet more people to love and to pray for. I want to see the landscaping God magnificently created for both Himself and us.
2. A job where I make a stellar pay check. Money isn't everything, but the more of it I have the more influential I can be. I can support my fellowship, I can give and give and give and give. I want to live lavishly and/or modestly and still give. I've been attempting to figure it out in my heart if I could live a crazy luxurious life style and still bring glory to God. I want to know some day if I could. If on the way there I find that I can't, however... I want to leave the thought behind. Until then a girl can sweetly dream right?
3. A job that is or is located near a place full of people that love Jesus as much as I do. I know and see that the world is not all that interested in the love of God, but I know God's kingdom is vast and great- if I seek Him diligently He'll add that element of life to me.
4. A job where I can still enjoy life. I want to be able to read books when I get home, or have time for activities with people. A career where my work place doesn't eat up more than 50% of my life.

That's really as specific as I can get. These are pretty good guidelines so I suppose I can't complain. I've considered the financial field, education, missions work, some type of non-doctoral medical practice. At some point I just need to chose one. I'll be sure to write once I legitimately decide.

"I got buried; No it won't be long before I rise in song!"

With Every Start

So I'm reading this book called "The Joy of Being a Woman" by Ingrid Trobisch and I've been learning a lot about myself. The book is a bit dated, but I've read passages and proceeded to shout 'That's what that is?!" or "That's why I do that!" It's been really good for me. It makes my female-ness less of a mystery and helps me feel like I can be normal as a woman.

The best part is paying close attention to my behavior and thoughts when I'm going through a hard time and realizing "I'm premenstrual!" In previous posts I've mentioned how much I hate attributing my feeling bad to me being hormonal. It's taken some time but I've realized that if I turn down my drama-o-meter consistently and look at my calendar it's usually the case... and it's okay that it's the case.

I've given myself a really hard time whenever I trip up mentally or spiritually, but most of the time I just need to give myself a break, because I'm not being nearly as awful as I've made myself out to be. Whenever I'm hormonal I find myself truly believing that my faith is ripping to shreds and that I'm failing God with every step I take. Then in two or three days something amazing happens and I have spiritual break through with someone and I get to share Truth and the Word. It's a consistent pattern that I seem to forget about a lot.

So for the women out there who go through this strange spiritual depression where they feel as if they are going to screw up and fall away from God in a day or in the next hour- seriously consider your hormonal calendar. Men may call us unpredictable, but we can usually and correctly contribute mental mood shifts to our bodies doing what they do best (baby making prep!)

I've been trying to douse myself in the word of God whenever I start feeling this way. My fear of falling away makes me work twice as hard, which I think is kind of funny.

If you love the Lord with all your heart, you'll be hard pressed to stray.

I found myself admitting to Him this morning rather painfully that if I were tempted sexually and I had to choose between Him and the temptation I would not choose Him.

A few things I came to understand in that conversation with Him:
1) I am a sinner. There is a reason why the prophets and disciples and Jesus Himself tell us to stay in the light- don't get caught up with those who do not believe and love the King. No matter how righteous we think we are, given the circumstances we can be made weak and falter.

2) If you are in a deep relationship with God and He knows you, He WILL NOT let you fall. You had better believe if you fear the Lord He'll snatch you up and convict you. It's your choice whether you give an ear and heed your conscience. The Holy Spirit is your guide and God will be very clear in His will. God is God - if you are slipping up, He has the power and sovereignty to get you out whether you like it or not. Be faithful, He's forever faithful.

3) Healing is something that happens in time. Never will I condone sin or make excuses for it. The Lord does, however, know your heart and knows it that much more if you are communicating with Him. He knows where you're struggling, He knows where you are hurting and where you fall over and over. He hears you and wants to help you. He will pick you up and give you the strength to try again to be right in your repentance whether you only need to repent once or repent 1000 times. He sees your effort and where you are and if you are sincere honesty and loving Him, He will provide grace. Don't worry. There is no condemnation in the Holy Spirit. Only conviction. If you have a pit fall be strong, for He is with you always in everything.


Sometimes when I write I get healed and comforted. This has been one of those posts where I write about the truth even though right before writing it out I actually don't believe it. It's nice to know that God is speaking to me through so many things... including myself.

"Stars! Hide your fires! These here are my desires and I won't give them up to you this time around. So! I'll be found with this stake stuck in this ground- marking the territory of this newly impassioned soul!"

Chime Alarm

Whenever I think about writing this entry I have the perfect opening and the right things to say. Then my day continues and I completely lose it all and decide not to write at all. I've decided to just go through with it anyway.

I've been convicted on many things since my last post. My being judgmental, harsh and critical, my deep seed to want to manipulate guys to get their attention even for a short while (just about the base reason for all my guy problems I've ever mentioned), my thought life and how that translates to how I respond to things, my lack of prayer and submission to God for all things in my life, my self-deception, my pride...

The last two weeks have been work to say the least. A lot of this confrontation started with this old journal I found that I've had since middle school. A little purple book with a flower on it with pages I had written when I was as young as 16, maybe? Lot's of scary thoughts I had when I was younger, song tabs I wrote and dated memories. I ripped all the pages out half intending to throw them away and half intending to sort through and keep some things... But I decided to use the newly blank journal as a prayer journal. Writing down names of people and stuff to pray for them specifically. I started it in my car one morning when I showed up really early and after writing it down I sat there and prayed out loud everything I had written. Some of the prayers turned into more beautiful topics for God to hear. It was liberating and the more I began to pray for me, the more I came to realize the majority of the things I listed earlier about myself. In all this prayer and all this realization I've also come to terms with what it means to be imperfect, what it means to need to the grace of God and what it means to be okay with not being or reaching perfection as long as I have this body and walk on this earth. This brought to the forefront why prayer is so important and why God needs to know my heart and I need to use my words and tell Him what He already knows, but will not touch unless I say them myself. In my weakness He is made strong and therefore His strength makes me stronger. This backward frame of logic finally started to sink in and I repent for my lack of prayer everyday... I repent with prayer for anyone and everyone and by asking what God's will is for me and what I can do to love with His love.

So since my last entry I've been through a lot. It's safe for me to say that my tension involving my erm... members has been kept under control and has been submitted entirely to God's hands. In fact a recent occurrence has lead me to believe that my husband is coming. Basically, God has told me "he's coming." I've decided to not let the thought go any further (even if for brief instances it already has). It's God's thing and all I can do is pray and wait until its fruition. It's pretty interesting timing, I'd like to mention because this was right after I'd begun to prayerfully unearth all my issues I had been holding back. In time also in the midst of my praying about my guy manipulation all of my emotions and feelings regarding certain guys have faded. I sat and had lunch with one guy who told me he didn't see us going any further because our faith was so different. Well, duh- but I was glad he was able to say what I knew months ago, but toyed around with. And a really good friend who I've had feelings for for quite a while came into town and my love for him as a person and for his soul trumped anything else I'd ever had for him. I had for him the kind of love that was perfected in my knowing and loving Jesus. I've been praying for him ever since then. It has been freeing to be content with being single, being okay with severing those emotional ties to men and simply relaxing in God's rest. So of course my husband is coming. Right as I've grown into being comfortable single. However the fun part is that I have no idea when. It could be years from now. It could be tomorrow. I get to sit here and be single and love God until he shows up. Then I'll love God and have the man God prepared me to be with. I'll take it.

"All these things about me,
You never can tell"

Substitution

This song impresses me so much because it brings out my inner aggravation with people that just can not take the blame for anything... can't take responsibility for anything.... just love being the victim in all their circumstances. The song poses such great solutions to problems to someone who keeps being whirl-winded by their own self-induced drama. Quite brilliant.

How am I?.... Good question... How exactly am I? I'm good. Incredibly sexually frustrated. Like it's in new heights these days and I can't explain it. It's really a pain. Crushes suck, as usual. I'm finding myself this week to be drawing back. Not necessarily isolating, but pulling back before I do some major damage. I slipped back into my over exerting self recently and that is never any fun. I'm trying to keep my little midget that embodies my sexual frustration at bay. I'm hoping for El Jalisco to come along at some point (wonderfully constructed inside joke between Tra and I).

I've been going out quite a bit recently. Like out to party and drink and such. The disenchantment that I've always had with it still remains, but I think an inner part of me is concerned about not being social and taking advantage of the fact that people are FINALLY inviting me to things. It never happened that much before this year. I guess I like the um... thought? That people greet me when I show up. That people ask me where I am if I'm not where the group is. And it's usually a different group per week. I'm not caught up with it I don't think- it gets too expensive. But I always walk away wondering if I have any friends there. Or if it's worth me seeing people in their worst state... doing things they would normally not do intoxicated. Not being the one with the drama for once, it's stunning to watch hearts break and guards get let down and confusion encompass a night.

My inhibitions were broken a little bit early in the weekend. It ended on a sweet note, but I'm hating myself for it. The over exertion I mentioned had to do with this guy (surprise surprise) and I did some extra nudging and finally got him to hang out with me. Totally innocent we drove around for a while and then talked in my car in front of his place for a long time. It was a good helpful talk I hope. He seemed to gain a lot from it. But I left feeling... terrible. Like the swarm of emotional stuff that I suppressed to talk to him had resurfaced the moment he got out of my car and I felt... feel... rejected. Like I burned myself somehow. I'm hoping that some of this is just me being a girl and it's all in my head. It usually is. I think I just want to not spark anymore of these feelings and if I have them I want to not act on them in any way.

Man I'm incredibly emotional recently. I think I'm premenstrual. Awesome. Just what I needed. The exaggerated feeling I have right now is pain from embarrassment and rejection, that I actually haven't really experienced embarrassment. What am I embarrassed about? Being goofy with a guy and getting him to drive to wal-mart with me which resulted in a sweet talk about his personal life? Rejected? If he didn't want to hang out with me he would have said no. It was not a topic for discussion and it doesn't really matter if he's interested in me or not. Okay so I think he's.... lots of really awesome things, but am I going to muddle my friendship with him over all that with being upset that he doesn't want to date me? Is that not the most insecure pile of crap you've dealt with in a while?

So what do you do? Me? I... um....

You just relax and give it to God.

There it is again. The Christian way to handle things.

Do I lie to you?

You have no room to.

There you go. Seriously pray about it and let it go.

"It's so easy to see anyone can agree just let it go."

So there you have it. I need to stop going out or at least take an intense break from it for a while. I need to pray more and talk to God about the silly and even insignificant things in my life as well as put my sexuality in His trust. He knows what He is doing and He will work things out the way they ought to be because He loves me. I need to enjoy, relax and be thankful for life. I need to take responsibility for myself and stop playing the victim where I have been. Calling a spade a spade is a good start.

"When reactions turn into hurricanes, and the middle ground seems a little tame, whether full or empty it's all the same. It's so easy to see anyone can agree you're not to blame."

*rolls eyes*

Let's Start Over

The semester is starting on amazing note I'd say. My days are long, my classes are cool, and I'm pretty much drama free. The gym is my new morning pastime and I've made an extra special investment mentally with my ballet class. I told a few people that I didn't really have any new years resolutions, but I think I had goals which I guess could count.

Seeing my mother was work. I managed to go the whole trip without any arguments or major blow ups... Most of that was due to my holding my tongue on my numerous amount of criticisms on the way she lives. I still despise where she lives and it really does bother me how she lives, but I said nothing. And at points where she was doing something that could be labeled as crazy I threw up my hands and just thought internally "Eff it! If you want to be crazy be crazy!" <-- That was hard because normally I try to make sense of it or rationalize it and I'd just get frustrated. No more. Crazy is as crazy does and I've become okay with not giving it any merit. All this to say that I have truly come up with goals or resolutions or what have you that are aimed toward not being like my mother. I always said that I wanted to be nothing like my mother, but I never thought out a framework as to how to make that happen. So here it is.

1. Body. In taking ballet I've kind have entered in a form of bodily discipline especially with working out and eating properly (I mean who doesn't want to look good in a leotard?) I'm going to the gym as often as possible, two days a week at the very least. My mom has a hard taking care of herself and I simply would like to not have a hard time doing so.
2. Mind. Aim well in my classes. I love my history course this semester and my planning courses are good areas for discussion and challenging thoughts. If I had time I'd read a book a month on some random subject. It would take discipline but I would like to keep my mind active in that way. My mom is trying in her aiming for her certification. It's encouraging to see.
3. Music. Being extra careful in what I ingest musically is rather important. Considering the message of the music is a big deal. Sometimes I wonder if my mother believes some of the lyrics to the songs she listens to, but it's not my place to question it especially considering some of the junk I've listened to in my life time so far.
4. Relationally. I NEED to keep people around me, preferably people that love me and are honest. I need people to point out things that are weird that I do. I need people to love on and to love me. Isolation is really not an option. I think isolation and bad relationships has backed my mom into a corner mentally. She seems so disconnected and thinking on it it's not surprising given the men who have hurt her and the pathetic situations she's ended up in (that I have to remember are NOT my fault NOR my responsibility. Even if I feel like they are sometimes)
5. Cutting Ties. I save so much time and energy when I let go of people that are wasting them. I've watched mom waste away so much effort on people, not just men, who just have nothing to offer in their friendships with her. Even the people closest to her she seems to keep around or has an excuse to be involved with them for some strange reason. I think I'm over that now. I'm going to start acting like I'm over it. [This actually ties into my issue of taking on people that God hasn't really meant for me to be involved with. I'm feeling the effects of it.]

I never thought if that much before because I used to think that I was so tough... but all of these things are hard, but necessary for me to overcome- and obviously I have not overcome them entirely. I like this me. I constantly try to remember to sit up straight and walk tall. I work out. I laugh and I sleep like a baby. I feel free. Even with the work ahead of me I feel free. Thank you, God in heaven.