Nor Have an Anxious Mind

So let's talk, Camelia.

From the moment I finally got to see you as you are, the moment your guard was let down, and the moment you allowed me to gain way and see outside of you, you have been under pressure.

Pressure from girls and women that are beautiful, smart and frankly better than you are. Pressure from men and their own internal scrutiny toward you in comparison to said women. Pressure from academia to achieve goals, deadlines and accomplishments that ultimately make up your pay rate and standard of living and more so who you are in the world. Pressure from your family indirectly to NOT BE like them since you are ever so prone to following their lazy, disengaged footsteps. Pressure from God to produce and perform according to His will in lieu of being tortured on earth by Him for the rest of your life.

I love you. Now wake up and believe.

Perhaps we can walk this out by first talking about the lies. And these are lies that you have to accept as lies. What does this mean? Well I ask you, what is a lie? According to dictionary.com

1. a false statement made with deliberate intent to deceive; an intentional untruth; a falsehood.
2. something intended or serving to convey a false impression;imposture

Is this not amazing? A lie is not only NOT true, but it's intent is to deceive. It is not an accidental portrayal of misinformation, but a statement deliberately set up to convince you of its reality- when in fact it is not the case at all. Camelia, you are under pressure because of lies. Lies from what you grew up with, lies from your educational institutions (socially and academically), lies from your culture via television and advertisements, lies from those surrounding you that have perpetuated the sludge because they don't realize that they've been deceived also. The pressure is not real. Some of it really is just you, but you've done so remarkably well that you recognize it and make it so that it doesn't affect your functioning. You can be dramatic internally, but you've grown and changed wonderfully from such a path. Which brings me to my next point that the pressure is also a construct of the things that you've suffered in your past. You are eaten away at not knowing what someone else will do or say because you have grown up walking on eggshells expecting strife at every turn. Tension on your end could be stagnating in comparison to the other person involved who often time is hardly considering the things you have managed to explode in your mind.

Your Job in this matter is to keep fighting. Insecurity, fear of failure, and desires to unrealistically satisfy will cause you to worry. It will cause you to stress. The lies will have been successfully implemented as truths that you've taken to heart. You can't allow it. See when the pressure is undo and call it as such. Believe that God is in control and it's absolutely okay to let go so that He can do the work. It's okay to admit that He knows what He's doing. That does not make you a failure, because He is in control. It makes you a daughter of God, one He is shaping to set forth and accomplish things you can hardly imagine. Just because God must help you, and He is the only way you can be healed and be free, does not make you a failure in His eyes. And if you do feel this way, honestly it's a facet of pride- a facet of rebellion in being frustrated that YOU can't live free without God. Truth: This is how we are made. You need God, He doesn't need you... but He wants you. Jesus is the key to living free eternally, and that is just the way it is. Take it or leave it. You can either fall knowing He is with you every step of the way and will help you up if you ask him or you can fall not wanting His help and keeping Him out because of your own pride. You decide.

Of course you choose life. Of course you choose Jesus. Of course you choose God. Why would you go back? So let's talk about some truths. And let me ask you, what is a truth?

1. the true or actual state of a matter
2. conformity with fact or reality; verity
3. an obvious or accepted fact; truism; platitude
4. (Here is an interesing definition) Archaic . fidelity or constancy

Another fun fact about truth is that simply because it's accepted as one of the definitions states, that does not make something a truth. Just because you may accept that you are less beautiful in comparison to other girls, the truth is that you are beautiful and there is absolutely no reason to compare yourself to other women. "God created you and He is a genius." Simply because you see the money is not there does not mean that it is not there. Just because YOU are worried that some guy may find you unattractive does not mean that he finds you unattractive... on top of that he's just some guy! Recognize the lies. The lies feast on fears that you must overcome, the fears are bred by the lies that nestle their way in your mind. Battle them both with the sword of truth... the Word of God.

So chew on that for a little while. You're beautiful, you're great, be humble, be sweet. Stop worrying about the clothes and food that you need. God knows that you need them, so seek God and all these things will be given to you, if you ask. And stop being so anxious because life is not made up of the things you acquire, the grades you get, the attention of a guy, the deadlines you meet, the money you're going to make, the projects you finish, the amount of names you know, nor the tricks you can do. And since life does not consist of these things stop approaching them as if they do amount to life. They are just things, and God can do so much better.

I love you, now wake up and believe.

Befriending Loneliness and her friend Truth

It's 7:30 am since it turns out my clock DID NOT set itself back until just now when I rebooted my phone. It's a good start anyhow so I don't run the risk of being late. I typically don't like blogging when I'm in the middle of irritating things, but it's 7:30am. It wouldn't hurt for me to get some of this out.

A common problem that I've encountered in my life is what I call giving people titles and roles in my life which they don't deserve. I've done it throughout high school, pulled it off a lot in college, but I think I've gotten better at being realistic- which by the way does NOT equal leaning toward pessimism and "end of the world syndrome"

So I fell into the cycle with Truelove again (let me just say that I really cannot STAND that every time I blog, a guy of interest is mentioned. It drives me nuts!) But basically it was in that gray space phase, until I once again just couldn't deal with it. Gray space. You might have remembered this from Musca in my post "living with the gray." Well I finally have a proper understanding of what that is. Essentially it's having all the benefits of a caring relationship (minus sex, of course, in my case) and exclusivity without actually defining the situation as being a relationship. If someone were to ask you "So are you and so and so a thing now?" the answer in gray space is quite literally "I don't know" not "It's complicated." because it's not. So yeah third time is a charm, but it whipped around to the same conclusions. We are so fundamentally different that it would just not work. So now I'm kinda miffed because, during this time in my life he knows the absolute most about me except for a few people in my church. He knows about my medical issues, about my stress with teaching and the GRE, and about my hobbies, life goals, and how ridiculously stubborn I am. We connected on a bunch of really important levels which as a friend makes him pretty valuable to me. But apparently he can't see himself hanging out with me without noting the attraction between us (which is kind of BS), and he's given himself to the idea that he should just cut off all communication. Perfect. I don't care, anymore. I'm so sick of being left out to dry because someone just doesn't know how to control themselves, or make compromises to preserve the key aspects of friendships (in this case it's not like I'm not willing to get over my own attraction to be a good friend to him. I've done it before.) But now, I've had it. Because, you see, I'm tired. Probably just as tired as you are reading about dramatic encounters with men.

I'm tired of putting effort into things that just don't seem worth it to people.

And it doesn't merely end with relationship stuff with men. This level of apathy is seeping into my long time friendships too. Every day I seem to look up and find myself with less people to call and talk about things with. Or the people I would normally call are just way too busy. I find myself demoting people I'm close to in my own mind. Which in reality is kind of ridiculous. They probably shouldn't have had such a status in my own mind in the first place. People are people. There are some you show more respect to than others in regards to authority, there are some you are more comfortable with personally, but at the base level of it all people are people. Not all "Christians" are Christians, and not all people are who they claim they are. Moreover, there are very very very few people- like count them one hand few people- are your close/best friends. And it might actually be fewer than that. The fake is getting to me. The reality is hitting pretty hard. As far as I'm concerned I've reached a new level of feeling lonely. But it's the kind of lonely you get when you stop deceiving yourself, when you're walking with God and you aren't allowed to hold a case or grudges or any of that.

Perhaps this is a case of being a Woman of God in the world with soooooo many people of the world.

I'm finally just not caring anymore.

"Good time to roll on,

Good time to roll on,

Good time to roll on,

Good time to roll on..."