I wrote this on Thursday the 30th before getting on the Greyhound in Orlando, so I've been diligent!
Weaknesses are pretty amazing. Mine just happen to include amazing music (Goo Goo Dolls, Chevelle, Gogol Bordello, 10 years), dancing, singing aloud, and a man who can utilize all three to make me happy without ever needing to land a single kiss.
The concert was absolutely amazing. Kevin was going to make his way down to the pit, and Kayla made mention to me that she wanted to head down and I just went along being totally complacent with whatever they wanted to do. And the mayhem ensued and I fell in love with the band over and over and over again.
And then Think Locally Fuck Globally was being played. And I felt the incredible urge to find a guy to waltz in the pit with… and boy did I ever pick a guy to dance with. It was totally random and he just became my dance partner a few songs later. And his name is Mike *face palm* We sang and danced and just had an absolute blast. He’s fluent in French (wtf!?), incredibly smart (turned down Columbia and Harvard ), super handsome, hot and used to be in a rock band, and he likes rap (…what?). And he is perhaps among the most incredibly sweet men I’ve ever come across. There were many times he could have made a move on me or vice versa and we both remained respectful (I told him about Marshall). But he definitely made me realize that Marshall really has some work to do to keep me. Mike GB (Mike from Gogol Bordello concert) gave me a lot of hope that not all men are dick heads. We hung out the next day and I felt everything that I wanted from Marshall… And began to question whether or not I’d ever be able to have it. Mike GB is probably a player of sorts, but he’s very good at keeping his composure as a gentlemen. I probably would have done something stupid if I weren’t hell bent keeping myself for people who are going to be with me (Marshall has me all the way). I just wish I didn’t have so much doubt about Marshall and I. Is it bad that I think that Mike GB would probably keep in contact with me more than Marshall would in a given week?
I understand that they are both guys and that I shouldn’t live in la-la land thinking of a guy that I’ll probably never see again and that I probably shouldn’t waste my time on a guy who isn’t willing to give me as much energy as I’m giving him. But dammit do I find myself in the predicament. It’ll go away eventually. Stupid boy weakness.
He told me I was beautiful and he thinks my hair is unique. I will most likely never see him again… probably by choice- don’t know if I could bare it.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Chicken Biryani
My mind is pretty blown from my thoughts this week.
My wisdom tooth infection is healed up and and the tooth extraction will be taking place in August. I am truly grateful.
Marshall and I have been doing alright. I still have yet to see him, but I think the complete separation gave me a lot of good perspectives. I think we're going to do a lot better this time around.
Right now the Chicken Biryani dish that I helped Lani prepare is baking in the oven as I write.
My biggest concern really is that I stand in a very peculiar spiritual point in my life. I am on the border of considering being a devout Christian... but I cannot bring myself to be totally genuine and accepting enough to be a part of that faith. I am thrown off entirely because of my ideas and thoughts on abortion, homosexuality, and sex in general. Ha I guess those are the ones that always throw people off if they discover some form of spirituality post experience. Overall I think the teachings of love and innocence gained and regained through Christ are amazing. But...
I explained it to John before dinner yesterday with this analogy:
Say I had a few brothers and sisters (I'm an only child) and one of my brothers just happened to be homosexual and my mother, deeming him simply as an abomination, kicks him out of our home and separates us siblings from him... even though I don't see him as an abomination, he is my brother who I love dearly no matter what. But I am supposed to accept that fact the he is an abomination because he selfishly chose to be in a way that disrupts the natural order of the world.
This is exactly how I feel about the referenced Kingdom of God that I've heard a bit about growing up. What hurts my heart even more is knowing the homosexuals that do love Jesus, and God and his words of love... even though he will never accept them as his children.... PEOPLE GO TO COUNSELING FOR THIS AND ARE SCARRED FOR LIFE WHEN PARENTS DO THIS EVEN WHEN THEY ARE HETEROSEXUAL. This is another reason why I have found it hard to see God as a parental figure... because based on my experience parents can be wrong... and that's hard.
My counselor has talked me through it a little, I've calmed down a bit because it really was overwhelming me for a while. I'm almost completely certain that I don't want to be embraced into a Kingdom where the people I know are loving and beautiful and genuine are cast out because of who they choose to love and care about. I would be a liar from day one if I said that I've chosen Christ as my savior. And what's even worse is that all the stuff that I disagree with in this gospel are all things that have nothing to do with me, sans my sex life in general [fornication out of wedlock is a sin you know ;-) ].
Yet this is where I find myself on the very line between faith and just being loved by the God that found me. I don't know where that leaves me. I don't know if there is an after life for me to look forward too... I'm beginning to feel like this is the only life we have and what we do here now will simply affect those we leave behind. My belief in God has not wavered, I know that there is evil and pain and suffering and I know that it sometimes can be treated with knowledge, understanding, HONESTY and love.
Lesson: Lying to yourself and living in a bullshit light is not an option if you want that weight lifted. I've learned that God can only be reached when there is an open mind and heart for him to enter. And people can, have and will go all there life without ever knowing if he's truly there. But if their strife and pain and confusion can be healed by another mean that isn't fake, bogus or a result of total dependency from something in this world (because things on this planet never last) then who can say what they choose is wrong? This is something that won't leave me for a long time, but I'm also learning to be brave enough to choose and trust my actions and accept the consequences good or bad.
Another really hard problem I've been dealing with is talking to my friends about any of this. Not having a religion makes it even more difficult haha. Whenever my friends tell me about something incredibly difficult about a break up that's left them torn, or a need for something that can't be met, I have to bite my tongue to a great degree to keep from telling them that there is a God that loves them the way no one else ever could. There is an entity that wants nothing but good things for you, you just have to be open enough to believe it. And it sucks because i was right where they were 4 months ago. My neo-family suggests that I hang around a different crowd, but why? Why should I stop having my awesome friends because I found something that they don't have?....
I don't know how I feel about that previous question...
My wisdom tooth infection is healed up and and the tooth extraction will be taking place in August. I am truly grateful.
Marshall and I have been doing alright. I still have yet to see him, but I think the complete separation gave me a lot of good perspectives. I think we're going to do a lot better this time around.
Right now the Chicken Biryani dish that I helped Lani prepare is baking in the oven as I write.
My biggest concern really is that I stand in a very peculiar spiritual point in my life. I am on the border of considering being a devout Christian... but I cannot bring myself to be totally genuine and accepting enough to be a part of that faith. I am thrown off entirely because of my ideas and thoughts on abortion, homosexuality, and sex in general. Ha I guess those are the ones that always throw people off if they discover some form of spirituality post experience. Overall I think the teachings of love and innocence gained and regained through Christ are amazing. But...
I explained it to John before dinner yesterday with this analogy:
Say I had a few brothers and sisters (I'm an only child) and one of my brothers just happened to be homosexual and my mother, deeming him simply as an abomination, kicks him out of our home and separates us siblings from him... even though I don't see him as an abomination, he is my brother who I love dearly no matter what. But I am supposed to accept that fact the he is an abomination because he selfishly chose to be in a way that disrupts the natural order of the world.
This is exactly how I feel about the referenced Kingdom of God that I've heard a bit about growing up. What hurts my heart even more is knowing the homosexuals that do love Jesus, and God and his words of love... even though he will never accept them as his children.... PEOPLE GO TO COUNSELING FOR THIS AND ARE SCARRED FOR LIFE WHEN PARENTS DO THIS EVEN WHEN THEY ARE HETEROSEXUAL. This is another reason why I have found it hard to see God as a parental figure... because based on my experience parents can be wrong... and that's hard.
My counselor has talked me through it a little, I've calmed down a bit because it really was overwhelming me for a while. I'm almost completely certain that I don't want to be embraced into a Kingdom where the people I know are loving and beautiful and genuine are cast out because of who they choose to love and care about. I would be a liar from day one if I said that I've chosen Christ as my savior. And what's even worse is that all the stuff that I disagree with in this gospel are all things that have nothing to do with me, sans my sex life in general [fornication out of wedlock is a sin you know ;-) ].
Yet this is where I find myself on the very line between faith and just being loved by the God that found me. I don't know where that leaves me. I don't know if there is an after life for me to look forward too... I'm beginning to feel like this is the only life we have and what we do here now will simply affect those we leave behind. My belief in God has not wavered, I know that there is evil and pain and suffering and I know that it sometimes can be treated with knowledge, understanding, HONESTY and love.
Lesson: Lying to yourself and living in a bullshit light is not an option if you want that weight lifted. I've learned that God can only be reached when there is an open mind and heart for him to enter. And people can, have and will go all there life without ever knowing if he's truly there. But if their strife and pain and confusion can be healed by another mean that isn't fake, bogus or a result of total dependency from something in this world (because things on this planet never last) then who can say what they choose is wrong? This is something that won't leave me for a long time, but I'm also learning to be brave enough to choose and trust my actions and accept the consequences good or bad.
Another really hard problem I've been dealing with is talking to my friends about any of this. Not having a religion makes it even more difficult haha. Whenever my friends tell me about something incredibly difficult about a break up that's left them torn, or a need for something that can't be met, I have to bite my tongue to a great degree to keep from telling them that there is a God that loves them the way no one else ever could. There is an entity that wants nothing but good things for you, you just have to be open enough to believe it. And it sucks because i was right where they were 4 months ago. My neo-family suggests that I hang around a different crowd, but why? Why should I stop having my awesome friends because I found something that they don't have?....
I don't know how I feel about that previous question...
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Teeth
Yes I still miss Marshall. No he hasn't called nor will he ever call.
New topic.
So my wisdom tooth has been kicking my butt since Monday! I've been attacking it with Hydrogen Peroxide, IB Profen, Garlic (crazy I know) and in the late night when it wakes me out of a dead sleep, prayer. Truth be told none of those have been helping all that much -1 . And this morning had me revisiting my O-so-wonderful childhood and made me further reconsider the whole "handing the reigns over to God" concept I've been battling over for a bit.
So I've been waking up a bit later these past few days (Later being 8:30am - 9:ooam as opposed to 7:15am- 7:45am) I blame the acetaminophen which has been my friend since the tooth pain started. Today I was up around 8:30 and I went up stairs to begin the battle that is brushing my teeth while having an abscessed tooth. I used mouthwash, brushed, rinsed, used hydrogen peroxide, rinsed, done. But some expression on my face when I walked into the kitchen prompted Lani (my roommate/head of the household) to have my attention and ask "What's up with that tooth?" And in a swift two minutes of concerned chatter and me explaining how I can't do anything due to my lack of knowledge of my insurance/funding, he dictated his next actions which included getting phone numbers and making calls to see a dentist. I just stood there in the middle of the kitchen feeling so weird. Then Lani called me over to sit next to him and held me as I began to cry.
I cried because for ONCE I felt like someone cared more about me than money. Someone didn't scold me for wanting some form of medical attention or tell me that the physical problems I had weren't a big deal. My mom, though she may never admit it, made me feel awful whenever I made hint at wanting to go see a doctor. Though she went to the doctor for nearly every problem she's had (and she's had many a surgery and doctor visits in her time.) I mean not to speak poorly of my mother, but she basically came off to me as selfish in that realm. And due to this and many other issues I've had with her in my life I've grown to try to do everything on my own. Living in the Peck House has been having me consider otherwise.
"Giving is easy, but Receiving is the hard part."
The paraphrased lesson that Lani mentioned in his wonderful Pastoral way. After spending another Sunday evening with my good friend (almost sister figure) Traci, our deep discussions made me try to figure out further how I should view the God that had shown himself to me back in May. Right now, he has been a very close, understanding friend with an INCREDIBLE sense of humor. Master? Not so much. Father? I've never had one to know, but I have such a low view of fathers that I wouldn't bother insulting any being with that view. I speak so causally about God because I still don't know how to understand him (and if you're a good friend of mine you're probably throwing in that he/she/it factor whenever you read "he" in this... for now give it a rest) But in talking to Traci about how I view him, I recalled saying how I just find it so peculiar that people just give their problems to him... I've been holding the reigns on my life for a long time. I don't give myself a lot of credit because I have had help, but overall I've dictated a lot of things in my life. The very idea of me giving the reigns to God is so... daunting to me... And I can see myself constantly asking for them back haha. But Lani telling me that he was going to get me to a doctor because I had an EMERGENCY and him calling and setting the appointment when I hadn't asked him to and me having my insurance cards ready (apparently they took it! Who knew?) Made me realize that I really had been doing things by myself and made me realize that I did like help and appreicated someone else caring so deeply about me beyond giving me rides to school and useless pep talks. Maybe the God I'm speaking to is listening to me... Maybe the God I'm getting to know is loving and wants what's best for me... I'm sure there are many ways to learn and experience his true identity, but honestly I'm still fearful of tacking on a religion to such a vast being in my life.
Talking to John (my other roommate) brought up a very interesting concept that's been doting at me for a day or so now. I told him that I found it hard to be a part of a religion because there are so many people out there that are so strong and devout to their religion and their God as much as I simply believe in God alone. And he explained, not in great detail, that God created ways of communicating with different people and that for the most part religions generally run along the same format, a monotheistic God and a disciple of sorts who is the key to communicating with God and helping those who sin find peace. Not his exact words, but that was the gist. He also suggested I read Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis, so I might be looking through my old book collection when I return to SoFl.
Whether I take the Christian route is tough to say. I wouldn't say that I'm being defiant as much as I am being cautious. But I will say that I'm beginning to find out a lot about myself by living in this little house.
Hopefully by next Monday I'll have date for my tooth to get extracted.
1. I take it back... prayer did help...
New topic.
So my wisdom tooth has been kicking my butt since Monday! I've been attacking it with Hydrogen Peroxide, IB Profen, Garlic (crazy I know) and in the late night when it wakes me out of a dead sleep, prayer. Truth be told none of those have been helping all that much -1 . And this morning had me revisiting my O-so-wonderful childhood and made me further reconsider the whole "handing the reigns over to God" concept I've been battling over for a bit.
So I've been waking up a bit later these past few days (Later being 8:30am - 9:ooam as opposed to 7:15am- 7:45am) I blame the acetaminophen which has been my friend since the tooth pain started. Today I was up around 8:30 and I went up stairs to begin the battle that is brushing my teeth while having an abscessed tooth. I used mouthwash, brushed, rinsed, used hydrogen peroxide, rinsed, done. But some expression on my face when I walked into the kitchen prompted Lani (my roommate/head of the household) to have my attention and ask "What's up with that tooth?" And in a swift two minutes of concerned chatter and me explaining how I can't do anything due to my lack of knowledge of my insurance/funding, he dictated his next actions which included getting phone numbers and making calls to see a dentist. I just stood there in the middle of the kitchen feeling so weird. Then Lani called me over to sit next to him and held me as I began to cry.
I cried because for ONCE I felt like someone cared more about me than money. Someone didn't scold me for wanting some form of medical attention or tell me that the physical problems I had weren't a big deal. My mom, though she may never admit it, made me feel awful whenever I made hint at wanting to go see a doctor. Though she went to the doctor for nearly every problem she's had (and she's had many a surgery and doctor visits in her time.) I mean not to speak poorly of my mother, but she basically came off to me as selfish in that realm. And due to this and many other issues I've had with her in my life I've grown to try to do everything on my own. Living in the Peck House has been having me consider otherwise.
"Giving is easy, but Receiving is the hard part."
The paraphrased lesson that Lani mentioned in his wonderful Pastoral way. After spending another Sunday evening with my good friend (almost sister figure) Traci, our deep discussions made me try to figure out further how I should view the God that had shown himself to me back in May. Right now, he has been a very close, understanding friend with an INCREDIBLE sense of humor. Master? Not so much. Father? I've never had one to know, but I have such a low view of fathers that I wouldn't bother insulting any being with that view. I speak so causally about God because I still don't know how to understand him (and if you're a good friend of mine you're probably throwing in that he/she/it factor whenever you read "he" in this... for now give it a rest) But in talking to Traci about how I view him, I recalled saying how I just find it so peculiar that people just give their problems to him... I've been holding the reigns on my life for a long time. I don't give myself a lot of credit because I have had help, but overall I've dictated a lot of things in my life. The very idea of me giving the reigns to God is so... daunting to me... And I can see myself constantly asking for them back haha. But Lani telling me that he was going to get me to a doctor because I had an EMERGENCY and him calling and setting the appointment when I hadn't asked him to and me having my insurance cards ready (apparently they took it! Who knew?) Made me realize that I really had been doing things by myself and made me realize that I did like help and appreicated someone else caring so deeply about me beyond giving me rides to school and useless pep talks. Maybe the God I'm speaking to is listening to me... Maybe the God I'm getting to know is loving and wants what's best for me... I'm sure there are many ways to learn and experience his true identity, but honestly I'm still fearful of tacking on a religion to such a vast being in my life.
Talking to John (my other roommate) brought up a very interesting concept that's been doting at me for a day or so now. I told him that I found it hard to be a part of a religion because there are so many people out there that are so strong and devout to their religion and their God as much as I simply believe in God alone. And he explained, not in great detail, that God created ways of communicating with different people and that for the most part religions generally run along the same format, a monotheistic God and a disciple of sorts who is the key to communicating with God and helping those who sin find peace. Not his exact words, but that was the gist. He also suggested I read Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis, so I might be looking through my old book collection when I return to SoFl.
Whether I take the Christian route is tough to say. I wouldn't say that I'm being defiant as much as I am being cautious. But I will say that I'm beginning to find out a lot about myself by living in this little house.
Hopefully by next Monday I'll have date for my tooth to get extracted.
1. I take it back... prayer did help...
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Peculiar Freedom
So I was dating this guy who I call Marshall (that's his last name) and I felt horrible after the break up. -1
rvbgirl4711 (2:18:26 PM): oh yeah. I mean it's nothing bad. basically I felt like i was dictating the relationship and he seemed to make it clear that he wasn't in this for the long haul and I called him up on the 4th and told him that I didn't think we could work out
rvbgirl4711 (2:18:36 PM): I faced a lot of underlying stuff
rvbgirl4711 (2:18:41 PM): but now I'm okay.
rvbgirl4711 (2:18:53 PM): And he's been ignoring me but his excuse is that he's trying to decide what to say
rvbgirl4711 (2:19:41 PM): it's not his fault.
rvbgirl4711 (2:19:55 PM): I really felt like i was pressuring him and making him be in a relationship he wasn't ready for.
rvbgirl4711 (2:20:44 PM): and I'm not mad at him. I still love him. And if ever decides that he wants to give it another try then I'm open for it. But it's taken me a lot to just realize that it's HIS issue to deal with and not mine. I've come to grips with where my heart lies... he just needs to come his
Well that was about 3 days after I called him and broke it off. I still felt pretty disgusted by my decision. And I caught wind of something on the Monday after the 4th that made for an interesting one-on-one counseling session the following day... From that I came up with this conclusion
rvbgirl4711 (9:53:52 AM):but basically I realized that I have a ridiculous weakness toward men. While i'm entering and within a situation I let guys run the show even when i don't like it
rvbgirl4711 (9:54:06 AM):which is why me choosing to break up with Marshall was such a huge deal for me
rvbgirl4711 (9:56:52 AM):yeah. It was always strange because after the situation [with other guys] was over I grew from it and learned from it, but in the next new situation I was right back where I started. Feeling like I wanted something that wasn't making me happy and trying to be patient hoping the situation would change... a lot like how it used to be with my mom. I would want a real mother-daughter relationship with her and she'd fail me every time, but i couldn't let it go
It may not seem like much, but this minute realization made a world of difference on my heart. The only other time I was growing out of the idea of being in a situation that wasn't making me happy was when I finally decided (on July 4th 2008 funny enough) to break up with my ex of five years. Although that situation was a gateway into another crappy situation with this kid Adam, it really was the first time i realized "Hey! I don't need to be with someone just because it's all I know. I DON'T need someone who doesn't need me or want me!"
It's taken a bit for me to regain that sense with other men, but this was absolutely huge for me. This is the first time since the little window between this guy who stepped on me (and there were many who did in the 08-09 school year) and me dating Marshall that I've felt wholly comfortable being single. And this is the second time in my life I've left a bad/odd situation with a guy and thought "I'm going to hang out with my friends! Fuck it!" It's so liberating! I have people in my life who love me. And I'm growing to feel foolish whenever I become wrapped up in someone who ultimately doesn't make me happy because I lose sight of my positive friendships and opportunities to surround myself with good people.
Signs that a relationship isn't working includes:
But this freedom, this joy, this happiness I'm feeling without a boyfriend/fling/lover or whatever you want to call it... It's overwhelming, yet less stressful and I feel like I'm readying myself for someone that DOES want me the same way I would want them. And it's fantastic. I called myself beautiful today.
And I believed it.
1. Every word of this held true. Marshall and I (as of July 17th) have decided to give it another go. I have agreed to approach him with less co-dependence and not nearly as high expectations as I did before on the condition that he'd simply try. I still feel this freedom for myself, I'm just learning to apply it in any situation I'm in. If things don't work out still then I'll be ready for it. He's a great guy, and I just need to be patient with him. I think he's worth it and I feel like he's willing to try. He may not say it but he really appreciates me and he really likes me... he's just... a guy...
rvbgirl4711 (2:18:26 PM): oh yeah. I mean it's nothing bad. basically I felt like i was dictating the relationship and he seemed to make it clear that he wasn't in this for the long haul and I called him up on the 4th and told him that I didn't think we could work out
rvbgirl4711 (2:18:36 PM): I faced a lot of underlying stuff
rvbgirl4711 (2:18:41 PM): but now I'm okay.
rvbgirl4711 (2:18:53 PM): And he's been ignoring me but his excuse is that he's trying to decide what to say
rvbgirl4711 (2:19:41 PM): it's not his fault.
rvbgirl4711 (2:19:55 PM): I really felt like i was pressuring him and making him be in a relationship he wasn't ready for.
rvbgirl4711 (2:20:44 PM): and I'm not mad at him. I still love him. And if ever decides that he wants to give it another try then I'm open for it. But it's taken me a lot to just realize that it's HIS issue to deal with and not mine. I've come to grips with where my heart lies... he just needs to come his
Well that was about 3 days after I called him and broke it off. I still felt pretty disgusted by my decision. And I caught wind of something on the Monday after the 4th that made for an interesting one-on-one counseling session the following day... From that I came up with this conclusion
rvbgirl4711 (9:53:52 AM):but basically I realized that I have a ridiculous weakness toward men. While i'm entering and within a situation I let guys run the show even when i don't like it
rvbgirl4711 (9:54:06 AM):which is why me choosing to break up with Marshall was such a huge deal for me
rvbgirl4711 (9:56:52 AM):yeah. It was always strange because after the situation [with other guys] was over I grew from it and learned from it, but in the next new situation I was right back where I started. Feeling like I wanted something that wasn't making me happy and trying to be patient hoping the situation would change... a lot like how it used to be with my mom. I would want a real mother-daughter relationship with her and she'd fail me every time, but i couldn't let it go
It may not seem like much, but this minute realization made a world of difference on my heart. The only other time I was growing out of the idea of being in a situation that wasn't making me happy was when I finally decided (on July 4th 2008 funny enough) to break up with my ex of five years. Although that situation was a gateway into another crappy situation with this kid Adam, it really was the first time i realized "Hey! I don't need to be with someone just because it's all I know. I DON'T need someone who doesn't need me or want me!"
It's taken a bit for me to regain that sense with other men, but this was absolutely huge for me. This is the first time since the little window between this guy who stepped on me (and there were many who did in the 08-09 school year) and me dating Marshall that I've felt wholly comfortable being single. And this is the second time in my life I've left a bad/odd situation with a guy and thought "I'm going to hang out with my friends! Fuck it!" It's so liberating! I have people in my life who love me. And I'm growing to feel foolish whenever I become wrapped up in someone who ultimately doesn't make me happy because I lose sight of my positive friendships and opportunities to surround myself with good people.
Signs that a relationship isn't working includes:
- Staying up late hoping he calls
- Having to convince him to stay in touch with you more
- Knowing that he wouldn't put nearly as much effort into seeing you (in long distance relationships) as you would put into seeing him
- Listening to him tell you in ANY way that he doesn't see a future with you
- Realizing that you're arguing with yourself when you're pointing out how insensitive he can be
- Feeling like you're waiting for him to change his mind
- When you are basically bullshitting yourself thinking the relationship is totally fine
But this freedom, this joy, this happiness I'm feeling without a boyfriend/fling/lover or whatever you want to call it... It's overwhelming, yet less stressful and I feel like I'm readying myself for someone that DOES want me the same way I would want them. And it's fantastic. I called myself beautiful today.
And I believed it.
1. Every word of this held true. Marshall and I (as of July 17th) have decided to give it another go. I have agreed to approach him with less co-dependence and not nearly as high expectations as I did before on the condition that he'd simply try. I still feel this freedom for myself, I'm just learning to apply it in any situation I'm in. If things don't work out still then I'll be ready for it. He's a great guy, and I just need to be patient with him. I think he's worth it and I feel like he's willing to try. He may not say it but he really appreciates me and he really likes me... he's just... a guy...
My Safe Environment
I started a blog a while ago for my family and friends to read while I was in college. It fell to the way side but this... I think this will be my new beginning. A consistent beginning.
My counselor gave me this book The Courage to Heal Workbook: For Women and Men Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse. In the very beginnings the book talks about creating a safe environment for yourself in which you are comfortable handling your own situation/story/problems/etc. I never realized it before but in my group counseling sessions I found my stability- my consistency- something that I knew would be there for me even if I wasn't there at all. I never had that growing up. I was the only consistent thing in my life, the only thing I could ultimately depend on. And until I went to counseling in my Freshman year of college I had never been able to actively face the many issues I had to cope with/ignore while growing up.
So I will keep this blog. This will be my personal outlet that I will resort to every Thursday. I have a facebook, twitter, fabhairproject profile, and friends if I need immediate venting and releasing on a matter, but here... I will collect my learnings, feelings and processes in order to finally get through to myself in the times that I am lost and unsure about my ideas and decisions. I will open up about things that I would not normally be able to share with people in a public setting or sometimes even an intimate setting because I either feel like they won't understand, or look at me the same way or whatever other reasons I can come up with.
This blog is for me. This blog is for anyone who wants to get to know and understand my thoughts. This blog is scary, sad, wonderful, inspiring, and down right useless (I would know).
My relationships with my hair, people, and God will be addressed. My past, present, and future will be discussed with a level of organization and chaos that I am generally pretty good at keeping. This is my environment. I will not let you stay if you give me a reason to make you leave. I will express my emotions, thoughts and feelings as they have developed by the time Thursday comes around and I will edit posts as situations develop and the additions will be made in purple italic writing (Purple is my favorite color). So I have laid out my ground rules. I am open for positive and constructive comments.
Hello.
-Dizzy (my hair) and I
My counselor gave me this book The Courage to Heal Workbook: For Women and Men Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse. In the very beginnings the book talks about creating a safe environment for yourself in which you are comfortable handling your own situation/story/problems/etc. I never realized it before but in my group counseling sessions I found my stability- my consistency- something that I knew would be there for me even if I wasn't there at all. I never had that growing up. I was the only consistent thing in my life, the only thing I could ultimately depend on. And until I went to counseling in my Freshman year of college I had never been able to actively face the many issues I had to cope with/ignore while growing up.
So I will keep this blog. This will be my personal outlet that I will resort to every Thursday. I have a facebook, twitter, fabhairproject profile, and friends if I need immediate venting and releasing on a matter, but here... I will collect my learnings, feelings and processes in order to finally get through to myself in the times that I am lost and unsure about my ideas and decisions. I will open up about things that I would not normally be able to share with people in a public setting or sometimes even an intimate setting because I either feel like they won't understand, or look at me the same way or whatever other reasons I can come up with.
This blog is for me. This blog is for anyone who wants to get to know and understand my thoughts. This blog is scary, sad, wonderful, inspiring, and down right useless (I would know).
My relationships with my hair, people, and God will be addressed. My past, present, and future will be discussed with a level of organization and chaos that I am generally pretty good at keeping. This is my environment. I will not let you stay if you give me a reason to make you leave. I will express my emotions, thoughts and feelings as they have developed by the time Thursday comes around and I will edit posts as situations develop and the additions will be made in purple italic writing (Purple is my favorite color). So I have laid out my ground rules. I am open for positive and constructive comments.
Hello.
-Dizzy (my hair) and I
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