So one would what have I gone through since my last entry. With my mother being away and all. Honestly I've been bumbling about with exams and whatever, as well as enjoying my current break. And I've learned some amazing things. The best and most recent I'll save for last.
I have learned:
- That it is perfectly okay that I'm not going after my big dreams of becoming an International Trade Specialist or whatever it was I was hell bent on. Seriously I've just given up on it. The idea was more pressure on itself than it was worth and now I'm comfortable. I'm looking forward to enjoying life and learning by loving people. No matter how I intend to get paid, I want to love people. I want to be a Jesus girl
- *I noticed I didn't explain this in previous posts* I have forgiven Marshall. Truly and deeply. And I realized that I had simply become bittered with my mistake and how it unfolded. I searched through scripture to something closest to what I was feeling. I found in my little Gideon's bible a passage under the topic of bitterness. and there I found First Corinthians 13- the infamous lines [paraphrased] When I was a child, I spoke as I child, acted as a child, i understood as a child. Now I am an adult and I can put away childish things. It was liberating to understand that in choosing to walk with Jesus I made the effort to walk away from those things in my former life... thigns that were childish including my relationship with Marshall. I can set it aside, remember I am forgiven and move on... finally...
- I've taken notes on a few things in my life regarding people. Generally unless real change is sought out- What you see is what you get. I've always picked up on this, but the more I began to interact with Marshall and our mutual group of friends and other friends of mine that I'm not exceedingly close to, it hits me sometimes slowly, other times like a ton of bricks. But really it is very difficult for one to expect people to be a certain way if they consistently display being the opposite. It is truly up to me to simply accept that they won't change.
Something I've discovered that I have very little of.
It caught me off guard really. I was reading What Wives wish their Husbands knew about Women (the cover is different from the copy I've been reading) But there was a section on Loneliness, Isolation, Boredom and Lack of romantic life in Marriage, and it described me in every situation with a guy I had been in to a T. The next morning I looked up the word Dignity and followed by looking up Respect. And both words I knew a lot about, but had no clue as to how to approach them in situations with men. Academically and in a work setting, even a normal social setting, I handle myself with confidence and grace on most if not all occasions... but with men I'm an absolute wreck. I have no dignity around men of particular interest, specifically in relationships. I cried about it and made it my New Year's resolution to learn what dignity looks like and display and express it at all times. Walking over to my friends' place to cat-sit for a little while I kept asking myself questions:
And an amazing answer came to me. I had to say it slowly and repeat it to realize it:
"Someone/thing with dignity possesses worth, and honor. Does this mean I have worth or honor or value?"
"What exactly Am I worth?"
"I am worth the life of the Only Son of the King of the Universe."If I weren't walking on a road side I would have fallen to my knees in tears. I wouldn't even know where to begin to LOOK like that. But that's what I'm worth. Now being told that I was "bought with a price" has a new meaning. I'm finally beginning to understand what it all means. And maybe from here on I'll figure out how to walk and act like I possess this worth... this value... this Dignity... no matter what situation I'm in.
I'm going to West Palm this week. It might be a good place to begin to practice.
"If you ever enter in my mind, stay there you'll live. To fend them off, to fool them all, stay there."
