... if it's not broken...

"No," I say to myself in a grown. "I don't want to help anyone move. I hate helping people move, it sucks and I just want to not do anything today."

"Ugh," I moan. "I really don't want to help this person move, but I don't have much else to do until I baby sit... I wanted to wash my hair, but helping I guess is more important."

"I really hope it's in my head." I think on the verge of tears. "Did she just snatch that from me? Why is she avoiding conversation with me? Is she really still upset with me?"

"Pray about it?" I ask myself sceptically. "Pray for what? The situation? That her attitude changes? That we can be friends? Is that what I even want? Is that what I ought to do? What's this torturing me for?"

Today is like trying to climb a muddy hill in the rain with the help of a skimpy rope. I am bitter, sad, and frustrated. Am I premenstrual? I hate that my attitude and emotions for some people can be summed up by one thing. What if something is actually bugging me? Who do I tell it to without them telling me that I'm overreacting?

Talking to people is really hard because I usually ask people that I go to church with or that I consider good friends... and what usually ends up happening is that they try to "fix" me. They try to tell me what I need to do to "fix" my problem as if I'm too incompetent to figure it out on my own. Or they suggest things without my asking that I could do to "fix" something that they think I want to change.

I.

Don't.

Want.

To.

Be.
Fixed.

I just want to be loved. I want to know what I should pray for. I want to know if it's okay for me to not care when someone is being a certain way. I think I'll do my best to pray about it and just get over my reluctance to help people. Isn't it a weird reluctance to have?

Whatever. I just want to sleep and not do anything. I'm fuckin sick of this shit now. I want to feel better and less annoyed.

Done.