It's pretty ridiculous. I'm back from Russia for a little more than two weeks now and I haven't blogged about it a single bit here. To be honest it's because I've felt so disappointed in myself from looking at the bad and having it outweigh the good in almost every respect. It was a six week trip with many lessons, but for the sake stress (and me being sick at the moment) I'm going to just relax and... move on.
Some weird stuff has been happening lately. I definitely felt myself slipping away spiritually. I couldn't bring myself to pray, I couldn't bring myself to dive into the word, and I couldn't bring myself to stop letting things purposely distract me. I even have a schedule and planner to get organized (which I actually can't find at the moment) and thinking it over I think it made the situation worse- I became busy and used all of the busy schedule stuff to purposely keep me from time with God... And though I didn't want to admit it to myself it was making me depressed and unhappy.
Among other things I've been trying to think about Graduate school, preparing for the GRE, continuing my research, and maintaining a sort of social life. I'm working a bit this summer and trying not to think about the bills that, to me, seem impossible to pay. And others' opinions on the matter aren't totally helping... I wonder if that is something I need to work on. If how I react or respond internally to others thoughts is a matter of interest. Two things happened recently though very small triggered a strange response.
1) Potatoes. So I helped go shopping for potatoes and I thought and expressed baked potatoes for the fourth of July part would be a great idea. The person purchasing the potatoes had no qualms against it, at least I thought. We get to our friends house and the potatoes are cut and the lady of the house asked if they were all for mashed potatoes and I rose my voice to speak and the person who bought the potatoes cut me off and answered in affirmation. The lady caught notice of this and asked if it were up for debate and again I was cut off with the purchasers negation to the latter question. In almost a sort of panic I brought up that I considered having baked potatoes which is why I was excited about sour cream and salsa. Trite and banal- yes. But I couldn't help but realize that if I hadn't said anything my idea would have been thrown out the window. And that isn't the first time I've had it happen in a small group setting. I sometimes feel I have to scrap my way to the top in order to not get tossed aside.
2) Headband. A very sweet woman has been helping me get things on track. But think I might have worn out my need for advice from her. She was over at my house one day and she eventually got up to leave and upon giving me a hug, she looks at me and goes: "You need a head band." and walks away. I was stunned for just a second and I turned around and smiled and asked "why?" And she made gesture of what my hair would look like if I had a hair band. Commonplace and unimportant- yes. I think I'm just sick of feeling like I need to get fixed. I'm not one to take offense to much of anything, but don't talk about my hair. It's a touchy subject that unfortunately still has some sore ties. What made me happy is that later on that day my friends Aaron and Marlo said that they were so happy to see how much I've changed for the better in life. It was honestly among the first real genuine compliments I've received this week that weren't ways to "encourage" me or to "reassure" me of anything. It was pure and honest "Hey you're doing great and I've seen it over all these years." And it wasn't disguised in the form of a lecture either.
So yeah there is that... and then there is stuff with my mom. Surprise surprise. I talked to her today since she called me about a letter I got from a bank that was sent to her house. (rant: Which really pisses me off because that is NOT the address I gave them to send anything too and it is none of her business about that account even if she is my mother. It's really frustrating.) And that was it. That's really the only reason she called me and then our conversation changed to something about her job and shish-kabobs... And then she put her boyfriend Johnny on the phone... He asked me how I was, instead of harping on how I sounded and barely listening to what I was explaining. He asked me about school and I told him about grad school and where I was thinking- and the most peculiar thing happened... my mom interrupted him and started talking to him since she had to go to work and she wanted him to take her.
There are multitude of things wrong with that for me:
1) I felt like someone was taking candy out of my mouth
2) For the first time someone who was in a relatively legit familial possession in my life was paying attention to me.
I keep reaching for things that aren't really there. I insist on having hope for authoritative figures in my life that are related to me... that are from where I'm from. In any case I'm at square one with that. And the only way I know how to deal with it is to ignore it.
"Driven by the strangle of vein,
Showin no mercy, I'll do it again
Open up your eyes, you keep on cryin
Baby, I'll bleed you dry."
Maybe I'll stop feeling like life is on the EXTREME setting when in reality it's on NORMAL.
