How am I?.... Good question... How exactly am I? I'm good. Incredibly sexually frustrated. Like it's in new heights these days and I can't explain it. It's really a pain. Crushes suck, as usual. I'm finding myself this week to be drawing back. Not necessarily isolating, but pulling back before I do some major damage. I slipped back into my over exerting self recently and that is never any fun. I'm trying to keep my little midget that embodies my sexual frustration at bay. I'm hoping for El Jalisco to come along at some point (wonderfully constructed inside joke between Tra and I).
I've been going out quite a bit recently. Like out to party and drink and such. The disenchantment that I've always had with it still remains, but I think an inner part of me is concerned about not being social and taking advantage of the fact that people are FINALLY inviting me to things. It never happened that much before this year. I guess I like the um... thought? That people greet me when I show up. That people ask me where I am if I'm not where the group is. And it's usually a different group per week. I'm not caught up with it I don't think- it gets too expensive. But I always walk away wondering if I have any friends there. Or if it's worth me seeing people in their worst state... doing things they would normally not do intoxicated. Not being the one with the drama for once, it's stunning to watch hearts break and guards get let down and confusion encompass a night.
My inhibitions were broken a little bit early in the weekend. It ended on a sweet note, but I'm hating myself for it. The over exertion I mentioned had to do with this guy (surprise surprise) and I did some extra nudging and finally got him to hang out with me. Totally innocent we drove around for a while and then talked in my car in front of his place for a long time. It was a good helpful talk I hope. He seemed to gain a lot from it. But I left feeling... terrible. Like the swarm of emotional stuff that I suppressed to talk to him had resurfaced the moment he got out of my car and I felt... feel... rejected. Like I burned myself somehow. I'm hoping that some of this is just me being a girl and it's all in my head. It usually is. I think I just want to not spark anymore of these feelings and if I have them I want to not act on them in any way.
Man I'm incredibly emotional recently. I think I'm premenstrual. Awesome. Just what I needed. The exaggerated feeling I have right now is pain from embarrassment and rejection, that I actually haven't really experienced embarrassment. What am I embarrassed about? Being goofy with a guy and getting him to drive to wal-mart with me which resulted in a sweet talk about his personal life? Rejected? If he didn't want to hang out with me he would have said no. It was not a topic for discussion and it doesn't really matter if he's interested in me or not. Okay so I think he's.... lots of really awesome things, but am I going to muddle my friendship with him over all that with being upset that he doesn't want to date me? Is that not the most insecure pile of crap you've dealt with in a while?
So what do you do? Me? I... um....
You just relax and give it to God.
There it is again. The Christian way to handle things.
Do I lie to you?
You have no room to.
There you go. Seriously pray about it and let it go.
"It's so easy to see anyone can agree just let it go."
So there you have it. I need to stop going out or at least take an intense break from it for a while. I need to pray more and talk to God about the silly and even insignificant things in my life as well as put my sexuality in His trust. He knows what He is doing and He will work things out the way they ought to be because He loves me. I need to enjoy, relax and be thankful for life. I need to take responsibility for myself and stop playing the victim where I have been. Calling a spade a spade is a good start.
"When reactions turn into hurricanes, and the middle ground seems a little tame, whether full or empty it's all the same. It's so easy to see anyone can agree you're not to blame."
*rolls eyes*
