I just finished watching Trigun in it's entirety again. A fantastic series of what it looks like when a being attempts to be good with the mercy of God and without the full knowledge of Jesus. It sweetens me up every time I see it.
Well I've been handling a lot lately- A wide spectrum ranging from Daddy issues and family drama, to career path finding and general life direction. Pressing day to day not having made even a choice of a goal has had me a little frazzled. There really is something to be said about God, at some point, letting you take the steering wheel of things... to be said about him letting you take the reigns and waiting to see what you will do. Right now I'm attempting to figure out what I will do. At first I was afraid of whatever I chose being the wrong thing and God having to correct me about it... Which is silly because if I lived by that logic I'd never move ever. Now I just can't come up with anything. I switch and soar between ideas of me being a simple Tallahassee citizen to an executive-esque hotshot traveling the world, to living on a farm and raising children be they my own or adopted. There are so many things I want to do and places I want to go and experiences I want to have... and yet I can't even figure out what the heck my next baby step is going to look like.
So how about it. Right now. I'll decide what I'm doing next. Haha This probably won't go anywhere... but it's worth a shot. Okay what do I not want? My pastor tells me that my problem is that I don't really know what I *Don't* want out of life... So yeah. What Do I not want?:
- I don't want to lose my soul in the process of gaining whatever I decide. My relationship with God is the most important aspect to my life and the Truth is something I plan on holding on to for the rest of my life and throughout my career.
- I don't want to sit still. Admittedly I want to go places, preferably whenever I want, but given that it's my career we're talking about I'll accept that as a potential impossibility in my line of work.
- I don't want dishonest work. Kind of goes without saying, but if I have to compromise the Truth or the law in order to fulfill a career path I want nothing to do with it. I pray that doesn't change about me.
- I want to type that I don't want to be hungry or homeless because of my profession, but a part of me feels like I need to be more freeing of that aspect. God is in control and if this were to be my circumstance I know He'd have a point in putting me through something like this.
- I don't want my career to be me running. I'm very prone to running away from things and using fairly decent causes (school, work, bettering myself) as vectors to me getting far far away from situations or people. I have nothing to run from here where I am now... and I don't want my career to be a means of me escaping something that needs no escaping from.
- I don't want my career to be something I want more than a family. I want it to be something I can set down for the man I love. For the children I believe are in my future. No matter how 'amazing' or successful I become, I want my career to be something I can let go of relatively easily for the people that matter most.
- I don't want my career to be boring. If I can avoid sitting at desk every single day and be able to do things and have an affect daily that would be awesome. Life is too short for boring. I would imagine it's also to short to have a boring career.
Those are a good start I think. It seems like my perspective on my career is a matter of great importance. Seems rather solid to me. How about somethings I do want:
- A traveling job. Can I just face it? I want to see the world, the good and the bad, the great and the small. I want to get safely lost, and meet the rest of the planet's people- as many as I can. I want to meet more people to love and to pray for. I want to see the landscaping God magnificently created for both Himself and us.
- A job where I make a stellar pay check. Money isn't everything, but the more of it I have the more influential I can be. I can support my fellowship, I can give and give and give and give. I want to live lavishly and/or modestly and still give. I've been attempting to figure it out in my heart if I could live a crazy luxurious life style and still bring glory to God. I want to know some day if I could. If on the way there I find that I can't, however... I want to leave the thought behind. Until then a girl can sweetly dream right?
- A job that is or is located near a place full of people that love Jesus as much as I do. I know and see that the world is not all that interested in the love of God, but I know God's kingdom is vast and great- if I seek Him diligently He'll add that element of life to me.
- A job where I can still enjoy life. I want to be able to read books when I get home, or have time for activities with people. A career where my work place doesn't eat up more than 50% of my life.
That's really as specific as I can get. These are pretty good guidelines so I suppose I can't complain. I've considered the financial field, education, missions work, some type of non-doctoral medical practice. At some point I just need to chose one. I'll be sure to write once I legitimately decide.
"I got buried; No it won't be long before I rise in song!"
