The Bigger Person

I'm always interested when I find that the things I help others with spiritually are the very issues that I look into deeply after the conversation is done or the issues that I dealt with just before talking to them about it. It's so sweet to watch the way my words make someone smile or remain quiet... it let's me know that it's getting through... and it's not me who's getting through, but the very power that gave me words to begin with.

Anyway.

HOLY COW, man! Everyone I know is dating someone! It's the craziest thing lol. Everyone I know personally is dating someone. And it seems like the "cuddle weather" has made it's way to everyone. Apparently I'm handling all this pretty well. Probably because my mom was in town and all kinds of ugly emotions and stuff came up... I shouldn't be surprised I suppose I can never be around her without SOMETHING going wrong.

I described it to Lani as "It's like when we're around each other it's a truck hitting a brick wall." All hell breaks loose and some type of drama occurs in different variations. This time Aigo (our dog/oldest pit) and Diamond (neighbors dog/younger rotweiler) fought and Aigo killed Diamond. Now mum has to put Aigo to sleep. She found all this out after our church service at Ryan and Rachel's and.... ugh. She howled... she didn't jut cry she was in so much pain she howled outside on Sunday morning. And it's because the dogs are all she has and now that she's lost two of them essentially she's frustrated and heartbroken.

And then there is my non-sympathetic logical side that's like, well it was going to happen anyway and I feel completely embarrassed. And embarrassment really is my natural response to my mother when she's around other people I know. And it's because... because I'm smarter than she is. And she's a lot dumber than I ever thought she was. Lani says it's because there is a time in people's lives when they just checkout... They decide that at a point they'll just stop and reading books, critical thinking and difficult problem solving just stop and that's where people will remain for the rest of their lives. And they'll spend their time just going to work and sitting in front of the TV... or watching movies. He also explained that my moms mentality is something that's been around since probably before I was born... otherwise "[I] wouldn't have been touched. [I] would have been protected."

So now I'm just stuck. I understand that my mother isn't stupid... just ignorant. And I understand that I will always have to be the adult in situations, but I guess I'm struggling with the fact that I don't WANT to be the bigger person every time. I want to be loved on, I want motherly love and protection that I can't give myself. Growing up was so fucked up without any real guidance or intelligent input from my biological family I've had to do it on my own. It's kind of unfair.

But I guess that's what God is here for... it's the reason He's been here from the beginning and will be until the end. And I need to allow him to heal the parts in which my mom couldn't fulfill and love others, even my own children, the way that others hadn't loved me for a vast portion of my life. I suppose this is a more important lesson than how to fix my ideas on my non-existent love life. I'm becoming content with not being smooched on I guess. And seeing other people happy... makes me happy for them. Even if I don't know every situation it's nice to assume the best in people.

"Thread it to forget it, to feel like you've already gone to the rest of the life that you've got. Tie the loose ends, bury it all away, just like this... Just like this"

My Face

I love everything about me except that...

I resolved this issue already, but it doesn't take much rejection to get those self-loathing feelings to resurface. EFM has a new girlfriend. Yay. I really am truly happy for him. Is it bad that I wished he would have said something about this when I asked him about us going out? I feel like this was an ongoing development that he just failed to mention. But the ultimate bottom line is... what do I care?

Because I feel looked over. I feel unpretty. I feel very much so not worth it. I was always good enough to screw but never good enough to date (in college that is.) So what do I do? I resort to disliking deeply a part of myself that I have no control over and won't change... my face. I even managed to get over Marshall and truly whole heartedly forgive him... but the comparison issue still remains. She (no matter who it's been) has always been the opposite of me. And it hurts. This is something that's come up before and I just want to be done with it and put it away. I guess seeing all of my friends including EFM in a relationship is a little daunting. But I cope with that by being supportive of them and loving them. I just want to take it in stride. I want to not have a heavy heart about this.... And I really want to keep what I discovered on Tuesday in mind:

"1) Who am I to take the blame over something in which GOD has created as if I have any right to my face or body or anything as a woman of God?"

This helps me get over my face issue a little bit. It's really funny... I went from my skin color and hair to my face in a matter of months....I think this has something that been hidden deep within me for a long time... *sigh* No point in worrying about it though right? It's not like I'm going to change anything about it. I just want someone I like to like me back...

Fucking Head Phones

I stepped on them about half an hour ago, and I tried to fix them but gave up and decided to throw them out. They reminded me of Marshall anyway so whatever.

I want to scream, am I allowed to scream? GOD PLEASE LET ME SCREAM.

I need to clean my room, I need to do my economics homework, I need to GET THE FUCK OVER MARSHALL FOR GOOD. I saw him the night before Halloween with the girl he left me for. He seems happy enough. And of course all of my esteem issues multiplied. I was even nice to him... until I said:

"I can understand if you're not going to apologize to me, but the offer to be friends is still there... and I feel better telling you that in person."

I am the WORST liar. I'm still sad and heartbroken and pissed off. I still haven't forgiven him for not being a man about the whole situation and telling me to my face rather than come on my birthday to make himself feel less like shit at the end of the day. Ugh. I saw him again yesterday in his car. He drives like shit and his car is awful. But I bet he's really fuckin happy now that he and his "LOVE" are hanging out more often.

I feel terrible. Every single time something hasn't worked out with a guy it's been my fault. I just want to know what's wrong with me already. When will a man find me worth pursuing. Why am I the root of all of these relationship things falling apart. I'm just so tired. And sick... and tired of not being pretty enough, not being smart enough, not being laid back enough, not being whatever enough to be what someone wants. I give my all and I get it handed right back to me with foot prints and spit all over it. WHEN WILL I EVER BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR SOMEONE.

And then I have people tell me I'm too good for whoever has broken my heart. Well it sure as hell doesn't feel like it. Speaking of people telling me things, I am actually not totally okay with people laughing at my problems when they are fairly serious to me, I'm not okay with being told I'm young and inexperienced by people who aren't so that's why I'm having the problems I have, because you know, that really fucking helps me get over whatever problem I have. I'm glad asking EFM if he would consider a relationship with me had to be the final step to overcome my issue instead of just being told to pray about it and that I'll get over it. I'm happy your marriages and relationships are so wonderful and that you don't have to worry about stuff like that anymore. Your words are kindly appreciated. And by the way he said he prefers that we be friends.

Also I'm kinda wearing thin. I love my friends, but it's really hard being the one who has to reach out all the time. My Christian friends are honestly the main people who most frequently text me and invite me to hang out with them and the only ones really who open their arms and have time for me. And their are some friendships I have with people who aren't that are really just starting to aggravate me and make me give up. I don't want to lose patience. I want to love people and be their for them, but I guess the selfish part of me wants the same love in return... but it's not something I can expect from people with different concepts of life than I do.

I hate feeling afraid to talk to people because I run the risk of sounding like a whiny twenty something brat. Why can't I just fucking blow off some steam and be pissed off without someone telling me I have no right to be? (because 9 times out of 10 I don't? I really can't vouch for that) Am I not allowed to cut people off when they've crossed a very serious line? When they've effortlessly abuse my kindness? When they insist that I'm a fucking doormat? What do I do? What can I do? I just want to walk away from a few things and not feel convicted... will I feel convicted? If I'm not then should I be? UGH

I want to scream. Can I scream? God please let me scream..... but I won't.

Oh and mom.... I didn't even WANT to get started on that. Mother dearest is coming up soon in a couple of weeks. And guess what?! She's dating JD again! :D Isn't that fucking exciting!? And you want to know why? Even after she claimed that she was done and over it. After we talked about her and her relationship with God... Want to know why she chose to take him back? - because she decided to "let go, and let God" with that came the thinking that if something were to ever happen to her, I'd be in school and she'd only have Grandma and Grandpa. She and JD talked and it made sense for her to be with him.... so what the fuck am I? Just this ultimately selfish person... her only daughter who would never dream of taking time out of her life to take care of her? For fuck sake did I leave that kind of impression on her? Does she not trust me to be there for her in her time of greatest need? She'd trust someone whose cheated on her and been imprisoned a number of times over me? What fucking planet am i on? Obviously where I stand in her life hasn't changed that much since I was six. There will always be someone higher than me in her life... there always has been. I should be used to it by now, but apparently I'm not.

There something interesting posted. Maybe I'll look back on this and realize how fucking petty and annoying I sound... before someone else gets to tell me.

I want to scream, can I scream? God please please please let me scream... but I won't.