Once upon a December: Dignity

Okay So I failed miserably at the "Every Thursday" thing. But it's okay. It's not the end of the world. I'll admit that it feels good to write again.

So one would what have I gone through since my last entry. With my mother being away and all. Honestly I've been bumbling about with exams and whatever, as well as enjoying my current break. And I've learned some amazing things. The best and most recent I'll save for last.

I have learned:

1. That it is perfectly okay that I'm not going after my big dreams of becoming an International Trade Specialist or whatever it was I was hell bent on. Seriously I've just given up on it. The idea was more pressure on itself than it was worth and now I'm comfortable. I'm looking forward to enjoying life and learning by loving people. No matter how I intend to get paid, I want to love people. I want to be a Jesus girl
2. *I noticed I didn't explain this in previous posts* I have forgiven Marshall. Truly and deeply. And I realized that I had simply become bittered with my mistake and how it unfolded. I searched through scripture to something closest to what I was feeling. I found in my little Gideon's bible a passage under the topic of bitterness. and there I found First Corinthians 13- the infamous lines [paraphrased] When I was a child, I spoke as I child, acted as a child, i understood as a child. Now I am an adult and I can put away childish things. It was liberating to understand that in choosing to walk with Jesus I made the effort to walk away from those things in my former life... thigns that were childish including my relationship with Marshall. I can set it aside, remember I am forgiven and move on... finally...
3. I've taken notes on a few things in my life regarding people. Generally unless real change is sought out- What you see is what you get. I've always picked up on this, but the more I began to interact with Marshall and our mutual group of friends and other friends of mine that I'm not exceedingly close to, it hits me sometimes slowly, other times like a ton of bricks. But really it is very difficult for one to expect people to be a certain way if they consistently display being the opposite. It is truly up to me to simply accept that they won't change.

And the final thing that I have learned and began to take note of that I feel necessary to explain (so that one day I will read it and remember how beautiful it is): Dignity.

Something I've discovered that I have very little of.

It caught me off guard really. I was reading What Wives wish their Husbands knew about Women (the cover is different from the copy I've been reading) But there was a section on Loneliness, Isolation, Boredom and Lack of romantic life in Marriage, and it described me in every situation with a guy I had been in to a T. The next morning I looked up the word Dignity and followed by looking up Respect. And both words I knew a lot about, but had no clue as to how to approach them in situations with men. Academically and in a work setting, even a normal social setting, I handle myself with confidence and grace on most if not all occasions... but with men I'm an absolute wreck. I have no dignity around men of particular interest, specifically in relationships. I cried about it and made it my New Year's resolution to learn what dignity looks like and display and express it at all times. Walking over to my friends' place to cat-sit for a little while I kept asking myself questions:

"Someone/thing with dignity possesses worth, and honor. Does this mean I have worth or honor or value?"

"What exactly Am I worth?"

And an amazing answer came to me. I had to say it slowly and repeat it to realize it:

"I am worth the life of the Only Son of the King of the Universe."

If I weren't walking on a road side I would have fallen to my knees in tears. I wouldn't even know where to begin to LOOK like that. But that's what I'm worth. Now being told that I was "bought with a price" has a new meaning. I'm finally beginning to understand what it all means. And maybe from here on I'll figure out how to walk and act like I possess this worth... this value... this Dignity... no matter what situation I'm in.

I'm going to West Palm this week. It might be a good place to begin to practice.

"If you ever enter in my mind, stay there you'll live. To fend them off, to fool them all, stay there."

The Bigger Person

I'm always interested when I find that the things I help others with spiritually are the very issues that I look into deeply after the conversation is done or the issues that I dealt with just before talking to them about it. It's so sweet to watch the way my words make someone smile or remain quiet... it let's me know that it's getting through... and it's not me who's getting through, but the very power that gave me words to begin with.

Anyway.

HOLY COW, man! Everyone I know is dating someone! It's the craziest thing lol. Everyone I know personally is dating someone. And it seems like the "cuddle weather" has made it's way to everyone. Apparently I'm handling all this pretty well. Probably because my mom was in town and all kinds of ugly emotions and stuff came up... I shouldn't be surprised I suppose I can never be around her without SOMETHING going wrong.

I described it to Lani as "It's like when we're around each other it's a truck hitting a brick wall." All hell breaks loose and some type of drama occurs in different variations. This time Aigo (our dog/oldest pit) and Diamond (neighbors dog/younger rotweiler) fought and Aigo killed Diamond. Now mum has to put Aigo to sleep. She found all this out after our church service at Ryan and Rachel's and.... ugh. She howled... she didn't jut cry she was in so much pain she howled outside on Sunday morning. And it's because the dogs are all she has and now that she's lost two of them essentially she's frustrated and heartbroken.

And then there is my non-sympathetic logical side that's like, well it was going to happen anyway and I feel completely embarrassed. And embarrassment really is my natural response to my mother when she's around other people I know. And it's because... because I'm smarter than she is. And she's a lot dumber than I ever thought she was. Lani says it's because there is a time in people's lives when they just checkout... They decide that at a point they'll just stop and reading books, critical thinking and difficult problem solving just stop and that's where people will remain for the rest of their lives. And they'll spend their time just going to work and sitting in front of the TV... or watching movies. He also explained that my moms mentality is something that's been around since probably before I was born... otherwise "[I] wouldn't have been touched. [I] would have been protected."

So now I'm just stuck. I understand that my mother isn't stupid... just ignorant. And I understand that I will always have to be the adult in situations, but I guess I'm struggling with the fact that I don't WANT to be the bigger person every time. I want to be loved on, I want motherly love and protection that I can't give myself. Growing up was so fucked up without any real guidance or intelligent input from my biological family I've had to do it on my own. It's kind of unfair.

But I guess that's what God is here for... it's the reason He's been here from the beginning and will be until the end. And I need to allow him to heal the parts in which my mom couldn't fulfill and love others, even my own children, the way that others hadn't loved me for a vast portion of my life. I suppose this is a more important lesson than how to fix my ideas on my non-existent love life. I'm becoming content with not being smooched on I guess. And seeing other people happy... makes me happy for them. Even if I don't know every situation it's nice to assume the best in people.

"Thread it to forget it, to feel like you've already gone to the rest of the life that you've got. Tie the loose ends, bury it all away, just like this... Just like this"

My Face

I love everything about me except that...

I resolved this issue already, but it doesn't take much rejection to get those self-loathing feelings to resurface. EFM has a new girlfriend. Yay. I really am truly happy for him. Is it bad that I wished he would have said something about this when I asked him about us going out? I feel like this was an ongoing development that he just failed to mention. But the ultimate bottom line is... what do I care?

Because I feel looked over. I feel unpretty. I feel very much so not worth it. I was always good enough to screw but never good enough to date (in college that is.) So what do I do? I resort to disliking deeply a part of myself that I have no control over and won't change... my face. I even managed to get over Marshall and truly whole heartedly forgive him... but the comparison issue still remains. She (no matter who it's been) has always been the opposite of me. And it hurts. This is something that's come up before and I just want to be done with it and put it away. I guess seeing all of my friends including EFM in a relationship is a little daunting. But I cope with that by being supportive of them and loving them. I just want to take it in stride. I want to not have a heavy heart about this.... And I really want to keep what I discovered on Tuesday in mind:

"1) Who am I to take the blame over something in which GOD has created as if I have any right to my face or body or anything as a woman of God?"

This helps me get over my face issue a little bit. It's really funny... I went from my skin color and hair to my face in a matter of months....I think this has something that been hidden deep within me for a long time... *sigh* No point in worrying about it though right? It's not like I'm going to change anything about it. I just want someone I like to like me back...

Fucking Head Phones

I stepped on them about half an hour ago, and I tried to fix them but gave up and decided to throw them out. They reminded me of Marshall anyway so whatever.

I want to scream, am I allowed to scream? GOD PLEASE LET ME SCREAM.

I need to clean my room, I need to do my economics homework, I need to GET THE FUCK OVER MARSHALL FOR GOOD. I saw him the night before Halloween with the girl he left me for. He seems happy enough. And of course all of my esteem issues multiplied. I was even nice to him... until I said:

"I can understand if you're not going to apologize to me, but the offer to be friends is still there... and I feel better telling you that in person."

I am the WORST liar. I'm still sad and heartbroken and pissed off. I still haven't forgiven him for not being a man about the whole situation and telling me to my face rather than come on my birthday to make himself feel less like shit at the end of the day. Ugh. I saw him again yesterday in his car. He drives like shit and his car is awful. But I bet he's really fuckin happy now that he and his "LOVE" are hanging out more often.

I feel terrible. Every single time something hasn't worked out with a guy it's been my fault. I just want to know what's wrong with me already. When will a man find me worth pursuing. Why am I the root of all of these relationship things falling apart. I'm just so tired. And sick... and tired of not being pretty enough, not being smart enough, not being laid back enough, not being whatever enough to be what someone wants. I give my all and I get it handed right back to me with foot prints and spit all over it. WHEN WILL I EVER BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR SOMEONE.

And then I have people tell me I'm too good for whoever has broken my heart. Well it sure as hell doesn't feel like it. Speaking of people telling me things, I am actually not totally okay with people laughing at my problems when they are fairly serious to me, I'm not okay with being told I'm young and inexperienced by people who aren't so that's why I'm having the problems I have, because you know, that really fucking helps me get over whatever problem I have. I'm glad asking EFM if he would consider a relationship with me had to be the final step to overcome my issue instead of just being told to pray about it and that I'll get over it. I'm happy your marriages and relationships are so wonderful and that you don't have to worry about stuff like that anymore. Your words are kindly appreciated. And by the way he said he prefers that we be friends.

Also I'm kinda wearing thin. I love my friends, but it's really hard being the one who has to reach out all the time. My Christian friends are honestly the main people who most frequently text me and invite me to hang out with them and the only ones really who open their arms and have time for me. And their are some friendships I have with people who aren't that are really just starting to aggravate me and make me give up. I don't want to lose patience. I want to love people and be their for them, but I guess the selfish part of me wants the same love in return... but it's not something I can expect from people with different concepts of life than I do.

I hate feeling afraid to talk to people because I run the risk of sounding like a whiny twenty something brat. Why can't I just fucking blow off some steam and be pissed off without someone telling me I have no right to be? (because 9 times out of 10 I don't? I really can't vouch for that) Am I not allowed to cut people off when they've crossed a very serious line? When they've effortlessly abuse my kindness? When they insist that I'm a fucking doormat? What do I do? What can I do? I just want to walk away from a few things and not feel convicted... will I feel convicted? If I'm not then should I be? UGH

I want to scream. Can I scream? God please let me scream..... but I won't.

Oh and mom.... I didn't even WANT to get started on that. Mother dearest is coming up soon in a couple of weeks. And guess what?! She's dating JD again! :D Isn't that fucking exciting!? And you want to know why? Even after she claimed that she was done and over it. After we talked about her and her relationship with God... Want to know why she chose to take him back? - because she decided to "let go, and let God" with that came the thinking that if something were to ever happen to her, I'd be in school and she'd only have Grandma and Grandpa. She and JD talked and it made sense for her to be with him.... so what the fuck am I? Just this ultimately selfish person... her only daughter who would never dream of taking time out of her life to take care of her? For fuck sake did I leave that kind of impression on her? Does she not trust me to be there for her in her time of greatest need? She'd trust someone whose cheated on her and been imprisoned a number of times over me? What fucking planet am i on? Obviously where I stand in her life hasn't changed that much since I was six. There will always be someone higher than me in her life... there always has been. I should be used to it by now, but apparently I'm not.

There something interesting posted. Maybe I'll look back on this and realize how fucking petty and annoying I sound... before someone else gets to tell me.

I want to scream, can I scream? God please please please let me scream... but I won't.

Just Here

Apparently there were 5 Thursdays this October.

Today was a good day. I taught a pretty good class today and had lunch with Sally and John. Then went to class and later played piano. I finally know a two more measures of the song I've been practicing for a while.

I've been pretty good. I missed last week out of sheer laziness and some stress. I had a long weekend filled with babysitting (which was fun) homework and a grant proposal write up for a fellowship worth a ton - o - money. And I've done a lot to attempt to not worry about it. Things are great otherwise. I'm even over all the guys I had an attraction toward. Even the one that I felt super strongly about. Clarification made things less mysterious and I could stop being a sap from the ambiguous.

I'm in love with Dizzy... especially today. She makes me realize how far along I've come in life. And often times the messier the better.... kinda makes up for all the non messing up I've been trying to be apart of lately.

I keep solving all my problems just prior to Thursdays... It makes me less entertaining I suppose... But I keep facing that fact that things just don't need as much intensity as I used to place on them.

"Be careful little eyes what you see." - Casting Crowns

Doesn't Need Defending

Keeping this one short I guess. I don't have any major situations worth talking about lol. I will mention them in one liners:

-Boy values my opinion even though I often cut him down when I don't realize it. (I guess that's what being honest is called)
-Counseling boy (from a few months ago I think) decides to leave group and blame us for it
-Random girl on facebook tries to justify that people need to tip otherwise they have no business eating out (????? for cereal?)
-Faith is growing through my friendships and fellowships
-I'm seeing a lot of what I was trying to avoid- me sinning, without even meaning to, internally

Teaching is going really well! Even had a pop-visit from the head professor with some guests and they saw me in both of my classes. I'm glad the students were so well behaved lol. I had a fairly productive week. I didn't lose too much sleep, but I would like to go to bed earlier still. I think I'm going to make this up coming week my last week of group counseling. I think I would be of better help to people that want it in a different form. As a Christian I don't fit in group anymore. It's just kind of how it is. I'll announce it finally and stick with it... I'll have my Tuesdays back at least.

I'm going to do my homework and throw off my sleep schedule by studying super late with a friend at Allsaints.

"The Bible doesn't need defending, it defends itself."
"You have the choice about whether you will let something bother you or not."
"Jesus will bring people to Him on his own accord, you can be a part of the process, but it won't be you to bring people to His kingdom."
"Be Angry, but Sin not."
"It really doesn't matter."

To Russia

"It's a life long journey to get one person to believe that your faith in God is real."

My mom said that to me earlier this afternoon when I told her about this person I know who called my intentions for following God selfish because of the aspect I gain of everlasting life. The argument just made me realize and love how strong my faith in God is and how selfish it isn't. I've prayed about it and I've forgiven him... but the fact that someone could be so ignorant to God's love astounds me... and the comments still sting a little apparently.

I've been thinking a lot about that. Selfishness. And how it's pointed out in me. I'm beginning to figure out the difference between whether what I desire is selfish or if what I desire can be determined by me and in turn be trusted in God's hands. I am learning not to live for the flesh but for God, but I think I'm getting it confused with what me wanting to do things and feeling like God has to "tell" me whether it's okay for me to want to do things. So to exercise the fact that I am allowed to want things I have decided that Russia is most certainly on my "To Do List"

I'm hoping to go to Moscow over the summer for six weeks and have the time of my life and learn all kinds of new things. Except learning to like mineral water (or Gas water) that crap is terrible :P lol I'm also considering a new course of graduate studies: Urban and Regional Planning. I realized that I'm really forcing myself to do economics and I'm going to give regional planning a try to see if I can find a genuine interest in it. I'll know by senior year I guess.

On the guy front I think I've finally let it go. All of it... all of them. EFM still remains a hopeless case for me. I almost asked him out in the library the other day. I forced and prayed myself out of it. It was during the time of the struggle of wanting what I want and wanting what God wants. And in the end I'm sure he would have said 'no' anyway (and that's not me being all emo about it). J.B. is such a strange strange case. I think I'm better off not considering any romantic relations since I know I can get wrapped up in them. I want feelings to be mutual and I don't want to have to feel like I need to do something in order to make it happen. It's not about me.

I'm milking my resources pretty intensely these days. I became bold and e-mailed my employer from the UCC and asked her if I could work in the club, but doing something else. I want a job (that whole selfishness and learning to give it to God thing) so I've been randomly applying to different places. I'm going to keep trying. There is no point in forcing myself to do things I don't want to do right? So why not do the things that you want to do (while not obsessing)?

I'm going to clean my room... I might actually go to bed early this time

Stretch

Blargh.

I'm sooo tired. I've been staying up late to study all week and I doon't like it at allllll.... yeah I'm whining, but I really do miss the days of going to bed at eleven and waking up at 8. But in any case it's been pretty sweet since usually what keeps me going during the day is people. I end up napping during the afternoons around 3 ish, but all the time before that is me interacting with people... and depending on the day I'm back on the grind around 5 until whenever. It's a nice change I'll admit. I used to sit in my room by myself pleading for self-induced self-improvement. And now I'm helping people with things I never thought I could and making time for people I didn't really know I had. Pros and cons and I still have an ass load to do at the end of the day.

My hair has gotten pretty long. I look at my before and after pics and I smile because every day really IS the longest my hair has ever been. I'm straightening it for the dinner this Saturday so that'll be all kinds of fun. I stretch my hair out to see the length and it looks like it never changes and I'll see a picture from two summers ago and I squeal like a lame ass lol. I'm really pleased with my progress.

I'm worried about my K-1 kids that I'm teaching. They are beginning to make me nervous since their attention spans with me are quickly slipping as the weeks go on (I'm only on my third) I'll be revamping my lesson plans with somethings that will hopefully keep their attention and stick in their minds. My 4-5 graders are as awesome as ever.

Aside from my ever solidifying faith I've got nothing...

I still like Chevelle, skateboarding, and dancing in my room by myself... Once negative associations are cast away the things you truly love fall back into place.

Your Attitude is Welcome

Today was a little better. The anger-with-everyone trend is still existent, but they're is an underlying peace that exists now. So I'm taking it as a good sign that my prayers are being answered and this transformation will start from the inside.

I've been trying to be sweet and love the people that let me. Sometimes it doesn't seem to work out as well as I'd like for it to, but I can't have it all. I have really amazing brothers and sisters. All of which who are not related to me by blood. God has been blessing me with amazing friends since before I developed a true relationship with him. Even though they are not walking with him I know that he's placed them in my life and me and theirs. The love I have for my close friends I consider like Brothers (Kevin, Klein, Tito, Britt) and Sisters (Kayla, Gio,Taryn) runs pretty deep. Even in my frustration with them at times, I know that I would have my door open to them if they needed my help.

And then there is my new found family in Christ; and that is just overwhelming and wonderful too. They are the ones who convince me and encourage me to love and be sweet to people even when they hurt me and relate to me with my struggles... I guess this is just my acknowledgment to all the people I love and letting people know that I love them.

Life has been really nice lately. It has been for a while, but my frustrations tend to cloud the reality that things are going very sweetly. My boy update simply includes me courting a few guys who don't even (and will probably never) know they're being courted. And at this point it's all just for me to exercise my restraint and learn it's okay to be attracted to someone and not feel the need to pursue them. This is my own list just by initials or title lol

J.B. - Sweet guy; a really kind open demeanor; is a little intense in his community service... like it makes him... kinda weird; has a girlfriend and wasn't very anxious to share lol; Status - Done courting So apparently he broke up with his girl friend just a few days after we talked about him. "Quiet courting" on my end is still inactive, but he did play the guitar for me today (10/2) at lunch :)

German Boy - So this is silly. It's this kid who I am familiar with in my German class, but I've never held a conversation with him ever. But whenever I have left German class this week he's... kinda walked with me. It's so dumb. lol. But I'll walk next or ahead of him a few paces. And he'll walk in front of me a few paces. It's cute. Though he probably either has a girlfriend or he's not interested in me at all and it's all in my head. Either way it's something to be playful about while I walk to microeconomics. Called it! He has a girlfriend. She is very pretty too. :)

EFM - If I could marry this guy I would. He's handsome, sweet, wonderful and a great friend. And I want to be sweet and friendly towards him even if it hurts... And it hurts so much. And I know I'll never have a chance.

That's all really. And I'm alright with that.

"You are Welcome."

Half Assed

Okay I was bad. I wanted to write yesterday, but I was lazy/busy at the same time.

So it seems like the theme for this week is : PEOPLE THAT IRRITATE THE SHIT OUT OF ME.

Not uncommon right? Nothing that we all haven't faced at some point in our lives? Well apparently it's something i need to work on- according to God. Some who might read this are thinking "what does God have to do with that?" Well... everything. The way things have panned out lately, it's like I NEED to build a sweetness and tolerance towards people otherwise I'm liable to go to jail for snapping on someone for being stupid. This last week has been nothing but little trials of my patience. And there is nothing wrong with the fact that I get irritated, but it's the fact that I cannot seem to put up with being the bigger person EVERY SINGLE TIME.

• When the girls in my dorm DON'T: Flush the toilet, wash their hands after using the bathroom, shut the water completely off in the shower;
• When the asshole T.A. decides to completely break down every bit of work and effort I put into changing my way of thinking in microeconomics by making me consider the very thing I had to omit in the first place to end the confusion;
• When the girl who offers to give me a ride to the grocery store (a tiny miracle, btw) makes me realize 1 minute into our journey that she can't drive and she's completely AWKWARD;
• When a girl during a fellowship bible study actively believes that Christians were cannibals because she misheard 3 sentences and doesn't even question it;
• When someone calls me and inquires about my cooking only to cut me off mid-explanation to say why he really called and thing hangs up;

I have to be sweet and kind and understanding. Understanding that I don't know what they are going through to prompt these behaviors. And I at all times must love all people because God loves all of them. He. Loves. All Of Them. And even if they are just being conceited inconsiderate assholes, I may never know why they are that way and I should love them and be sweet to them even when they don't deserve it... The same way God is toward me. So in turn I work on this by (relative to the examples given)

• Flushing the toilets and turning off the water in the showers if needed
• Getting help with my microeconomics by everyone else who ISN'T that guy
• Inviting this strange girl to hang out with me and my neo-family for pancakes
• Being patient and realizing that her personality ties in a lot with the way her brain works. Her brain is a thousand miles a minute and she portrays that. I just need to be patient and willing to help her where I can to understand.
• I should understand that he's ADD and that will happen... and if he meant to do it, It doesn't really matter.

Period.

It's a really hard process. Being a Christian, I mean. I'm really beginning to understand why I failed twice after being saved and lost track of it all when I was a bit younger. I'm really glad that this is the real deal for me, I'm glad that I'm making this continuous effort... this life long effort to get to someone who is so amazing.

I feel really good knowing about Christianity the way I do now. I kinda wish my family were more interested in helping me develop my relationship with God rather than having me only go to church and pray over food and pray before I go to sleep thinking that that was the way for me to live by God. None of that hurts at all... but there was a whole element missing. An element that I don't think they truly grasp (Maybe they do, but I can't tell) But the element of one not belonging to themselves... but to God. This is another struggle I've been taking note of little by little...

Trusting God with absolutely everything: My hair *wince*... yeah I take care of it and love it but it's not mine... My body as a whole... I can do as I want, but if treat it like it's mine and/or violate it because "it belongs to me" He'll show me who it belongs to I'm sure without a doubt... My love life- if I am in constant control of my love life, God will not intervene and do His work for me... And we all know how that turns out. This logic should apply to everything. I am his vessel and I want to trust him so much. And though I will never be perfect in so many regards to him... to try and trust him is to try and have faith. And God does not disappoint when you take out the "ME" factor. I'm learning about that too.

But now that I'm done crying about trying to not to be a half assed Christian, I'm going to take a nap.

If I could just simply realize that absolutely none of the things that bog me down matter, and the things that seem to truly matter should be given to God, I wouldn't need to complain... or go to counseling...

Another Thursday

Alright so it happened. I had a nice long emotional cry over Marshall... again lol. And it was all because of me not feeling pretty. I'm going to be irrational just for a moment and make a claim that it's my birth control making me all off because I've been really inconsistent with my dosages (I don't have a sex life to scare me into taking them like clockwork) I thought about it a little bit, but I wonder if this is how I ultimately felt after every instance where a guy has broken my heart... I just never sat down long enough to notice because I had a new heart breaking replacement in almost no time...

Today I'm just not staying in my room. An idle mind is the Devil's workshop.

So I've been sick for the last 4 days. Not the flu. Just a chest cold... an elongated one that I blame mostly on the disgusting girls on my floor (some of them have a phobia of flushing the toilet and washing their hands...ick) Anyway I've been alright for the most part. Today I'm just clearing up my lingering congestion. I've actually spent the majority of my time in my room since last Thursday. Nothing overly exciting or mind blowing has happened.

I can't watch movies based on curses anymore. Which is funny because I used to really enjoy scary movies... And now I'm a big wuss... Well at least that's what my friends think. Basically I can't watch movies that are about a deep frightening power based off of the devil or evil or whatever. And no- this has nothing to do with me being saved. In fact I had this notion since some time before becoming a Christian. I had some experiences in Germany, some random encounters on campus... Even when I was younger just creepy shit happened that I still can't explain. I can watch gore and action movies, but scary movies I'm not cool with.

This might be a two part-er... I might come back with more to write. I'm still in my lazy stage of the day.

I hate having to convince myself some days that I'm attractive when other days I just simply KNOW I AM...

Highs and Lows

I'm getting closer to having another day that is simply another day.

Ups and downs are becoming frequent. One minute I'm a star and the next I feel like I'm emotionally where I started 4 months ago. I'm just taking in my triumphs and blessings and living in them every chance I feel I should. No more of this "my accomplishments aren't that big of a deal" crap. I've had lots of blessings lately and I ought to acknowledge them as such.

The only thing that's been irritating me this past week (still ranging in the Boy/Men department) is that I think... I think I miss Marshall. And I don't know why. It could be because that I'm remember the "good" memories instead of wanting to burn his face off. Or it could be that I'm still pitying him. Like I'm still in that whole "I've got to/I know how to fix him" mode. Very disgusting thing that girls really ought to be aware of. And I am more than guilty of such an approach when it comes to men. God did a very funny thing to me on Tuesday of my group ("Find God in everything that happens") This guy walks in... and he is everything that I'd go for. Fairly tall, insecure, dealing with a "god complex", handsome, and self loathing with a history. It took every cell in my body to not be "kind" and extend out a hand and give him my number for him to call me whenever on the first day he was there. I had to look at myself, my motives, and face my sexual frustration full force as a Christian.

I talked to Lani about it and he said that it's normal to be sexually frustrated especially in my age. And he said it's okay to date only not in the typical societal definition of dating (which generally includes sex and co-dependency) A big part of me wants to practice this lol. I want to be able to have a boyfriend and not sleep with him, and not throw excessive amounts of energy towards which I'm so used to doing. The reason this is such a big deal is because for the last week I've been annoyed with myself for having crushes. Like I'm not allowed or at least it's a bad idea because... well. I'm husband shopping. I have to learn to be friends with guys and not seek them out simply for relationship purposes. It's very easy to be one track minded and get dissappointed... that describes my life with guys for the most part. I'm giving this frustration, lust and issue with guys to God and letting him help me direct that energy into something else. I don't want to deal with it.

Aside from this life is pretty awesome. I start teaching next week hopefully, I found out I got an 'A' on my German DIS, and today I pulled off a successful activity in my Russian class. I just have to get and keep myself out of my funks. Because honestly... they just don't matter.

"We're a moment in time, in the cycle of life"

Getting What I Wanted

Sometimes it just sucks to think about being me.

I'm doing quite well. My health seems steady, classes are interesting, I'll be teaching at an elementary school this semester which I'm super excited about. And overall things are going exceptionally well. I finally got baptized on Sunday and it's only been a few days, but my relationship with God is so sweet and He has blessed many of my situations already.

Now for the icky stuff.

Last time I wrote about self issues that I took notice of and realized I needed to make sure that myself image shapes up. I had a conversation with a good friend of mine and it opened up a wound I was trying so hard to ignore and yesterday morning it hit me like a ton of bricks until I wrote it out:

"I am embarrassed at times for being a darker skinned female with afro hair because i go for men who are typically of opposite description and they often reject me for girls the opposite of me (typically white with long hair)"

After I wrote it down during class and read it over (I only had to troubles listed) I looked at it... decided it was retarded and was finally able to focus. I don't necessarily think I was ignoring the issue so much as just needing to get it out on paper so I could stop making it my primary focus. And of course it's dumb because it's not like I can suddenly become this fair skinned blond straight haired barbie doll. But I guess the ultimate question is if I could... would I?

Marshall breaking up with me... no.... cheating on me with another girl I think has just pushed up a lot of inner feelings I've had about myself that I've been trying to defeat. I know I shouldn't be harping on him or what he's done, but it's really hard when I semi-anticipate this happening EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Not simply being cheated on, but having a guy that I'm interested who is either a lighter complexion than I am or white just becoming disinterested in me for whatever reason and suddenly "falling in love" with a girl that is nothing like me two days later. It hurts, and it sucks. And dammit if I have to keep praying about attempting to not let it bother me... I will anyway, but I just wish it weren't an issue. I trust in God with all my heart and if things are in his will to be done, as long as I make the choices that are godly and wise things will turn out alright.... right now I just can't seem to completely overpower the heartache.

Ever since God plucked Marshall out of the way really amazing things have been happening. I have a job (or rather two), I'm teaching Russian to elementary school kids, I'm building a positive relationship with my German Department head who used to frighten me a lot (it was all in my head). And I've been comfortable in my own skin, seeing good friends, meeting some interesting people. I really do feel like Marshall was simply in the way. And when I saw him at the movies on Saturday night I was livid as hell. I wanted nothing more than to bash his head through the window he was sitting in front of. He couldn't even look at me. And I think what ultimately pissed me off is that he will NEVER apologize to me. I find myself in a constant personal battle: One day it'll be his fault for being a selfish, ignorant, asshole.. and the next day it'll be my fault for loving him so hard and pushing him away and constantly being upset with him for not being the boyfriend I wanted....

And with that I've had to become content with being single and not making a relationship my primary focus because every time I put my hands on something like that, it rots in the palms of my hands. I smile when my friends tell me of their adventures and desires for a partner, ranging from "I need some action" to "I'm ready for a ____friend now." It's cute. And it makes me wish I was where they were from time to time, because I've come to one very daunting surreal conclusion- I want to get married.

It's been one of those things that I can't fight anymore. I think of how I was when I was fooling around with guys and realized it wasn't working. I think of how much work and energy and love I put into being with Marshall... and I compare that to what my friends believe, and what Marshall used to say to me that always started arguments.... I am basically ready to be with someone for the rest of my life. And I should kinda take note that perhaps God, by taking out my distractions, by allowing me to love Him as much as I want, is preparing me for the very thing I've been ready for, for quite some time now. I'm sure He is okay with me being sad and heartbroken, it's hard not to be, but I feel like there is something in the works, and I have no idea what it is. I just have to be patient and trusting. Which is becoming easier by the day.

In other news, this kid that I know who is a friend of mine (he's older than I am, but he's still a kid to me) really set me off with a two day argument about the bible, God, and what I'm doing with it. I've decided that I have had lots of experiences and have plenty more to go in my life and there is NEVER a need to defend my faith, or the bible because they defend themselves. I've decided that I have no reason to listen to people who HAVE NEVER experienced... much of anything. Don't talk to me about my sex life if you've never had sex. Don't talk to me about managing money if you've never worked a day in your life. Don't talk to me about faith if you barely trust the very source from which your faith is derived. I know that I'll be faced with tough conversations throughout my life while being a Christian, but I'm surely going to pick and choose my battles and just not give a damn about what people feel the need to say about my faith personally. Because the bottom line is, they don't know anything. I just needed to get that out there because the next time it happens, I'll have to put my Christianity on the side and duke it out hard core. I don't enjoy fighting (verbally or physically) unless it's absolutely necessary. I'm asking people kindly to not make it necessary. Period.

Waking up early and getting to bed early is really amazing. Nothing good happens after 1 AM for me and waking up at 7:30AM helps me get things done.

Kabuto ga ni Kodai no Sakana

I'm not sure what it means, but it's the song I was listening to when I started this.

I'm in my dorm now and I really like the way it's turned out. I still have my German research paper to write, but I think I'll have it done by Saturday no later. This whole healing process has been pretty good. I'm not beating myself up, or letting the memories and thoughts trigger an emotional response. I've been spending time with friends and praying and being positive. That's really been helping. I'm really happy because I've talked to my friends about my new found Faith and they have been very sweet and supportive of me... not something I was expecting initially.

I'm looking forward to this fall and all the opportunities it has in store for me. I'm actually the least stressed out I've probably ever been in my whole life. I most certainly appreciate this peace, especially considering how I still don't have a fall schedule on top of other things that troubled me all summer. But I'm alright. It feels good to just be alright. I got my wisdom tooth out! No more summer tooth infections! The whole operation made me SOOOO glad I wasn't getting more then one out. I learned I'm not as tough as I think I am.... and that's okay too lol.

The only real battles I've been fighting personally have been the ones with myself (surprise surprise) with my esteem. The confidence is coming along rather nicely, but myself image goes up and down like a pulse reading image. Some times I feel super amazingly beautiful in all my plain and simpleness, and other times I go outside and see gorgeous girls that look nothing like me and feel defeated. It's a nasty battle and I feel like the only way I'm going to win this is if my steady rising confidence simply continues to rise... I figure eventually self comparisons won't be an issue. I think God is preparing me for something. I'm not sure what, but I think the way I see myself is going to play a little piece in it because it's been a faint yet persistent thought in my mind.

I think this is the first post I've made where there wasn't some intense or minor drama overwhelming my thought process. I like it a lot! I'm calm and collected for once. I know I'm a mess, but I'm alright with it and it's not taking me over. What else can I write about?

My baptism has been postponed to this Sunday! I'm still excited. And still nervous hehe. I'm making gumbo probably tonight for the first time on my own... and I have officially found myself reaching so I'll wait until next Thursday when things might seem more interesting :)

I feel good about everything... and though I may have ups and downs I know that this feeling will be my stasis from now on...

Trying

Phew.... wow.... ooops lol

I feel fantastic. I am a Christian officially. I have given my life to God and I can breathe ... finally.

Marshall was a mistake that I made just before I was about to make this decision. I realize now that this is what I always wanted. And Marshall was my excuse not to since we had had sex before the summer. I thought I enjoyed my sex life enough to let it slide.... And then he hurt me deeply enough for me to realize that I have nothing. I don't belong to myself, I've been taking care of myself so much for so long that I finally reached a point of just being tired. Tired of the pain, tired of the disappointment that I bring upon myself, tired of the people that I give my heart and soul to only for them to leave me the first chance they get.

I have chosen to give my heart to someone that will never leave me. He will not abandon me. I think of that and smile to the point of tears. He will carry the burden of my worries and problems so that I don't have to anymore. I realized that all I ever wanted to do was to love someone... Love someone with all my heart and soul and never have to question it. Marshall was the last human being for me to attempt this and failed... My own mother even failed to meet this need to let me love her without question... God is the only thing in my life that I can love so much with all of me and He. Will. Not. Leave.

Record timing in recovering from such a blow. It still stings a little, but I am so happy. I'm getting baptized this Sunday at someone's home. I'm excited, but I'm so scared... mostly of screwing up. But I was reassured that I will screw up so much in my life, but if I choose to walk with God like I intend then I will be met with twice as many blessings. I've got a lot to learn and I want to. I'm ready for a change. I just have to get my brain to get out of performance pressure mode and just live. A clean conscience and a freedom to be happy with my choices is what I'm after especially since I realize that I just wasn't happy.

At all.

Especially in my relationships.

I'm going to be alright. I've got to work and be diligent and just be myself. I'll be fine.

"Well let me be the first to say that I- don't have a clue. I don't have all the answers. In God I'll pretend like I do, Just trying- to find my way... Just trying to find my way- the best that I know how."

Hot Flash

HE WAS CHEATING ON ME THE WHOLE TIME. I JUST FOUND OUT YESTERDAY MORNING (August 11/12) I AM ANGRY HURT SAD GRATEFUL AND JUST PLAIN PISSED. I LOVED HIM WITH ALL MY HEART AND HE BETRAYED MY TRUST.... I'M SO DISGUSTED I CAN BARELY KEEP FROM CRYING SOMETIMES... But... God loves me.

So to everyone who was wondering if Marshall would be able to make up for the crummy summer time that we've been having... Yes, yes he did.

Yesterday, August 5th was my 20th birthday. Marshall came by pretty late in the afternoon, but I went with him to his new apartment complex, we went to visit our friends' new house, then went to a very nice dinner at a place called Cypress. I really made myself look silly from time to time. I'm not the super sophisticated refined type, I don't go out to super nice restaurants very often so i felt kind of embarassed when he'd call me out on goofy things I was doing. And he made me so nervous! ugh! I never get all shy and bashful around people, especially him! I don't know why I get that way. Then after that we went to see this movie Funny People but not before randomly going for a walk around the mall area. During the movie (which I thought was pretty good) I started getting really hot, like I couldn't even sit close to Marshall anymore because I felt like I was on fire. On the way back to our friends house he had the air on full blast, and the windows down and I was still super hot. He said I was having hot flashes jokingly, but I knew he was getting worried. I didn't know what was going on and so I decided to have water and take a shower at Gresko and Strouss'. It really helped and for about 10 minutes me and Marshall just sat and watched TV until he decided it was time for him to go home. When he dropped me off we quarreled for a bit like we always do, but right before I got out of the car we kissed... and it reminded me of everything I felt before the summer and how real it was.

And despite all this I'm still worried about us. Maybe it's just me missing him and being afraid that he'll change his mind about me. Maybe it's my irrationality making up things in my head and assuming that this separation made him do things that he would never admit to me... But at dinner he told me about his ventures with his female friends I think I asked him if he did anything questionable, and he asked "How nervous should I make you?" and I asked "How nervous should I be?" his response? "Not at all." I know he's attractive and I know he's got a tons of girl-friends is it not natural to be jealous? Or concerned? I kinda wish I'd get over being so nervous about everything with us. He's with me, he wants me, and I just can't seem to realize it.

He held my hand the first chance he got when I got in his car, and everything in his car reminded me of everything I missed about him when he first left for Crestview. I think I'm so tainted with the last year of things going so wrong I'm just really afraid that he's going to change his mind, or express the exact same affections toward someone else. I need to give him more credit. And overall I need to relax. He's wonderful and I appreciate him. It started out weird, but I think we're going to be alright. I just miss him so much.

I had to make myself not tell him that I love him last night. It was really hard.

Gogol Bordello

I wrote this on Thursday the 30th before getting on the Greyhound in Orlando, so I've been diligent!

Weaknesses are pretty amazing. Mine just happen to include amazing music (Goo Goo Dolls, Chevelle, Gogol Bordello, 10 years), dancing, singing aloud, and a man who can utilize all three to make me happy without ever needing to land a single kiss.

The concert was absolutely amazing. Kevin was going to make his way down to the pit, and Kayla made mention to me that she wanted to head down and I just went along being totally complacent with whatever they wanted to do. And the mayhem ensued and I fell in love with the band over and over and over again.

And then Think Locally Fuck Globally was being played. And I felt the incredible urge to find a guy to waltz in the pit with… and boy did I ever pick a guy to dance with. It was totally random and he just became my dance partner a few songs later. And his name is Mike *face palm* We sang and danced and just had an absolute blast. He’s fluent in French (wtf!?), incredibly smart (turned down Columbia and Harvard ), super handsome, hot and used to be in a rock band, and he likes rap (…what?). And he is perhaps among the most incredibly sweet men I’ve ever come across. There were many times he could have made a move on me or vice versa and we both remained respectful (I told him about Marshall). But he definitely made me realize that Marshall really has some work to do to keep me. Mike GB (Mike from Gogol Bordello concert) gave me a lot of hope that not all men are dick heads. We hung out the next day and I felt everything that I wanted from Marshall… And began to question whether or not I’d ever be able to have it. Mike GB is probably a player of sorts, but he’s very good at keeping his composure as a gentlemen. I probably would have done something stupid if I weren’t hell bent keeping myself for people who are going to be with me (Marshall has me all the way). I just wish I didn’t have so much doubt about Marshall and I. Is it bad that I think that Mike GB would probably keep in contact with me more than Marshall would in a given week?

I understand that they are both guys and that I shouldn’t live in la-la land thinking of a guy that I’ll probably never see again and that I probably shouldn’t waste my time on a guy who isn’t willing to give me as much energy as I’m giving him. But dammit do I find myself in the predicament. It’ll go away eventually. Stupid boy weakness.

He told me I was beautiful and he thinks my hair is unique. I will most likely never see him again… probably by choice- don’t know if I could bare it.

Chicken Biryani

My mind is pretty blown from my thoughts this week.

My wisdom tooth infection is healed up and and the tooth extraction will be taking place in August. I am truly grateful.

Marshall and I have been doing alright. I still have yet to see him, but I think the complete separation gave me a lot of good perspectives. I think we're going to do a lot better this time around.

Right now the Chicken Biryani dish that I helped Lani prepare is baking in the oven as I write.

My biggest concern really is that I stand in a very peculiar spiritual point in my life. I am on the border of considering being a devout Christian... but I cannot bring myself to be totally genuine and accepting enough to be a part of that faith. I am thrown off entirely because of my ideas and thoughts on abortion, homosexuality, and sex in general. Ha I guess those are the ones that always throw people off if they discover some form of spirituality post experience. Overall I think the teachings of love and innocence gained and regained through Christ are amazing. But...
I explained it to John before dinner yesterday with this analogy:

Say I had a few brothers and sisters (I'm an only child) and one of my brothers just happened to be homosexual and my mother, deeming him simply as an abomination, kicks him out of our home and separates us siblings from him... even though I don't see him as an abomination, he is my brother who I love dearly no matter what. But I am supposed to accept that fact the he is an abomination because he selfishly chose to be in a way that disrupts the natural order of the world.

This is exactly how I feel about the referenced Kingdom of God that I've heard a bit about growing up. What hurts my heart even more is knowing the homosexuals that do love Jesus, and God and his words of love... even though he will never accept them as his children.... PEOPLE GO TO COUNSELING FOR THIS AND ARE SCARRED FOR LIFE WHEN PARENTS DO THIS EVEN WHEN THEY ARE HETEROSEXUAL. This is another reason why I have found it hard to see God as a parental figure... because based on my experience parents can be wrong... and that's hard.

My counselor has talked me through it a little, I've calmed down a bit because it really was overwhelming me for a while. I'm almost completely certain that I don't want to be embraced into a Kingdom where the people I know are loving and beautiful and genuine are cast out because of who they choose to love and care about. I would be a liar from day one if I said that I've chosen Christ as my savior. And what's even worse is that all the stuff that I disagree with in this gospel are all things that have nothing to do with me, sans my sex life in general [fornication out of wedlock is a sin you know ;-) ].

Yet this is where I find myself on the very line between faith and just being loved by the God that found me. I don't know where that leaves me. I don't know if there is an after life for me to look forward too... I'm beginning to feel like this is the only life we have and what we do here now will simply affect those we leave behind. My belief in God has not wavered, I know that there is evil and pain and suffering and I know that it sometimes can be treated with knowledge, understanding, HONESTY and love.

Lesson: Lying to yourself and living in a bullshit light is not an option if you want that weight lifted. I've learned that God can only be reached when there is an open mind and heart for him to enter. And people can, have and will go all there life without ever knowing if he's truly there. But if their strife and pain and confusion can be healed by another mean that isn't fake, bogus or a result of total dependency from something in this world (because things on this planet never last) then who can say what they choose is wrong? This is something that won't leave me for a long time, but I'm also learning to be brave enough to choose and trust my actions and accept the consequences good or bad.

Another really hard problem I've been dealing with is talking to my friends about any of this. Not having a religion makes it even more difficult haha. Whenever my friends tell me about something incredibly difficult about a break up that's left them torn, or a need for something that can't be met, I have to bite my tongue to a great degree to keep from telling them that there is a God that loves them the way no one else ever could. There is an entity that wants nothing but good things for you, you just have to be open enough to believe it. And it sucks because i was right where they were 4 months ago. My neo-family suggests that I hang around a different crowd, but why? Why should I stop having my awesome friends because I found something that they don't have?....

I don't know how I feel about that previous question...

Teeth

Yes I still miss Marshall. No he hasn't called nor will he ever call.

New topic.

So my wisdom tooth has been kicking my butt since Monday! I've been attacking it with Hydrogen Peroxide, IB Profen, Garlic (crazy I know) and in the late night when it wakes me out of a dead sleep, prayer. Truth be told none of those have been helping all that much -1 . And this morning had me revisiting my O-so-wonderful childhood and made me further reconsider the whole "handing the reigns over to God" concept I've been battling over for a bit.

So I've been waking up a bit later these past few days (Later being 8:30am - 9:ooam as opposed to 7:15am- 7:45am) I blame the acetaminophen which has been my friend since the tooth pain started. Today I was up around 8:30 and I went up stairs to begin the battle that is brushing my teeth while having an abscessed tooth. I used mouthwash, brushed, rinsed, used hydrogen peroxide, rinsed, done. But some expression on my face when I walked into the kitchen prompted Lani (my roommate/head of the household) to have my attention and ask "What's up with that tooth?" And in a swift two minutes of concerned chatter and me explaining how I can't do anything due to my lack of knowledge of my insurance/funding, he dictated his next actions which included getting phone numbers and making calls to see a dentist. I just stood there in the middle of the kitchen feeling so weird. Then Lani called me over to sit next to him and held me as I began to cry.

I cried because for ONCE I felt like someone cared more about me than money. Someone didn't scold me for wanting some form of medical attention or tell me that the physical problems I had weren't a big deal. My mom, though she may never admit it, made me feel awful whenever I made hint at wanting to go see a doctor. Though she went to the doctor for nearly every problem she's had (and she's had many a surgery and doctor visits in her time.) I mean not to speak poorly of my mother, but she basically came off to me as selfish in that realm. And due to this and many other issues I've had with her in my life I've grown to try to do everything on my own. Living in the Peck House has been having me consider otherwise.

"Giving is easy, but Receiving is the hard part."

The paraphrased lesson that Lani mentioned in his wonderful Pastoral way. After spending another Sunday evening with my good friend (almost sister figure) Traci, our deep discussions made me try to figure out further how I should view the God that had shown himself to me back in May. Right now, he has been a very close, understanding friend with an INCREDIBLE sense of humor. Master? Not so much. Father? I've never had one to know, but I have such a low view of fathers that I wouldn't bother insulting any being with that view. I speak so causally about God because I still don't know how to understand him (and if you're a good friend of mine you're probably throwing in that he/she/it factor whenever you read "he" in this... for now give it a rest) But in talking to Traci about how I view him, I recalled saying how I just find it so peculiar that people just give their problems to him... I've been holding the reigns on my life for a long time. I don't give myself a lot of credit because I have had help, but overall I've dictated a lot of things in my life. The very idea of me giving the reigns to God is so... daunting to me... And I can see myself constantly asking for them back haha. But Lani telling me that he was going to get me to a doctor because I had an EMERGENCY and him calling and setting the appointment when I hadn't asked him to and me having my insurance cards ready (apparently they took it! Who knew?) Made me realize that I really had been doing things by myself and made me realize that I did like help and appreicated someone else caring so deeply about me beyond giving me rides to school and useless pep talks. Maybe the God I'm speaking to is listening to me... Maybe the God I'm getting to know is loving and wants what's best for me... I'm sure there are many ways to learn and experience his true identity, but honestly I'm still fearful of tacking on a religion to such a vast being in my life.

Talking to John (my other roommate) brought up a very interesting concept that's been doting at me for a day or so now. I told him that I found it hard to be a part of a religion because there are so many people out there that are so strong and devout to their religion and their God as much as I simply believe in God alone. And he explained, not in great detail, that God created ways of communicating with different people and that for the most part religions generally run along the same format, a monotheistic God and a disciple of sorts who is the key to communicating with God and helping those who sin find peace. Not his exact words, but that was the gist. He also suggested I read Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis, so I might be looking through my old book collection when I return to SoFl.

Whether I take the Christian route is tough to say. I wouldn't say that I'm being defiant as much as I am being cautious. But I will say that I'm beginning to find out a lot about myself by living in this little house.

Hopefully by next Monday I'll have date for my tooth to get extracted.

1. I take it back... prayer did help...

Peculiar Freedom

So I was dating this guy who I call Marshall (that's his last name) and I felt horrible after the break up. -1

rvbgirl4711 (2:18:26 PM): oh yeah. I mean it's nothing bad. basically I felt like i was dictating the relationship and he seemed to make it clear that he wasn't in this for the long haul and I called him up on the 4th and told him that I didn't think we could work out
rvbgirl4711 (2:18:36 PM): I faced a lot of underlying stuff
rvbgirl4711 (2:18:41 PM): but now I'm okay.
rvbgirl4711 (2:18:53 PM): And he's been ignoring me but his excuse is that he's trying to decide what to say
rvbgirl4711 (2:19:41 PM): it's not his fault.
rvbgirl4711 (2:19:55 PM): I really felt like i was pressuring him and making him be in a relationship he wasn't ready for.
rvbgirl4711 (2:20:44 PM): and I'm not mad at him. I still love him. And if ever decides that he wants to give it another try then I'm open for it. But it's taken me a lot to just realize that it's HIS issue to deal with and not mine. I've come to grips with where my heart lies... he just needs to come his

Well that was about 3 days after I called him and broke it off. I still felt pretty disgusted by my decision. And I caught wind of something on the Monday after the 4th that made for an interesting one-on-one counseling session the following day... From that I came up with this conclusion

rvbgirl4711 (9:53:52 AM):but basically I realized that I have a ridiculous weakness toward men. While i'm entering and within a situation I let guys run the show even when i don't like it
rvbgirl4711 (9:54:06 AM):which is why me choosing to break up with Marshall was such a huge deal for me
rvbgirl4711 (9:56:52 AM):yeah. It was always strange because after the situation [with other guys] was over I grew from it and learned from it, but in the next new situation I was right back where I started. Feeling like I wanted something that wasn't making me happy and trying to be patient hoping the situation would change... a lot like how it used to be with my mom. I would want a real mother-daughter relationship with her and she'd fail me every time, but i couldn't let it go

It may not seem like much, but this minute realization made a world of difference on my heart. The only other time I was growing out of the idea of being in a situation that wasn't making me happy was when I finally decided (on July 4th 2008 funny enough) to break up with my ex of five years. Although that situation was a gateway into another crappy situation with this kid Adam, it really was the first time i realized "Hey! I don't need to be with someone just because it's all I know. I DON'T need someone who doesn't need me or want me!"

It's taken a bit for me to regain that sense with other men, but this was absolutely huge for me. This is the first time since the little window between this guy who stepped on me (and there were many who did in the 08-09 school year) and me dating Marshall that I've felt wholly comfortable being single. And this is the second time in my life I've left a bad/odd situation with a guy and thought "I'm going to hang out with my friends! Fuck it!" It's so liberating! I have people in my life who love me. And I'm growing to feel foolish whenever I become wrapped up in someone who ultimately doesn't make me happy because I lose sight of my positive friendships and opportunities to surround myself with good people.

Signs that a relationship isn't working includes:

• Staying up late hoping he calls
• Having to convince him to stay in touch with you more
• Knowing that he wouldn't put nearly as much effort into seeing you (in long distance relationships) as you would put into seeing him
• Listening to him tell you in ANY way that he doesn't see a future with you
• Realizing that you're arguing with yourself when you're pointing out how insensitive he can be
• Feeling like you're waiting for him to change his mind
• When you are basically bullshitting yourself thinking the relationship is totally fine
  

And this goes for fellas who are in similar situations. I refuse to be in a relationship with someone who isn't looking at least a few steps ahead with me. Not that I'm trying to entrap them into marriage and kids and all that, but at least understand my goals in life and my desires from the relationship over a long period of time. Two years is not long for me at all.

But this freedom, this joy, this happiness I'm feeling without a boyfriend/fling/lover or whatever you want to call it... It's overwhelming, yet less stressful and I feel like I'm readying myself for someone that DOES want me the same way I would want them. And it's fantastic. I called myself beautiful today.

And I believed it.

1. Every word of this held true. Marshall and I (as of July 17th) have decided to give it another go. I have agreed to approach him with less co-dependence and not nearly as high expectations as I did before on the condition that he'd simply try. I still feel this freedom for myself, I'm just learning to apply it in any situation I'm in. If things don't work out still then I'll be ready for it. He's a great guy, and I just need to be patient with him. I think he's worth it and I feel like he's willing to try. He may not say it but he really appreciates me and he really likes me... he's just... a guy...

My Safe Environment

I started a blog a while ago for my family and friends to read while I was in college. It fell to the way side but this... I think this will be my new beginning. A consistent beginning.

My counselor gave me this book The Courage to Heal Workbook: For Women and Men Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse. In the very beginnings the book talks about creating a safe environment for yourself in which you are comfortable handling your own situation/story/problems/etc. I never realized it before but in my group counseling sessions I found my stability- my consistency- something that I knew would be there for me even if I wasn't there at all. I never had that growing up. I was the only consistent thing in my life, the only thing I could ultimately depend on. And until I went to counseling in my Freshman year of college I had never been able to actively face the many issues I had to cope with/ignore while growing up.

So I will keep this blog. This will be my personal outlet that I will resort to every Thursday. I have a facebook, twitter, fabhairproject profile, and friends if I need immediate venting and releasing on a matter, but here... I will collect my learnings, feelings and processes in order to finally get through to myself in the times that I am lost and unsure about my ideas and decisions. I will open up about things that I would not normally be able to share with people in a public setting or sometimes even an intimate setting because I either feel like they won't understand, or look at me the same way or whatever other reasons I can come up with.

This blog is for me. This blog is for anyone who wants to get to know and understand my thoughts. This blog is scary, sad, wonderful, inspiring, and down right useless (I would know).

My relationships with my hair, people, and God will be addressed. My past, present, and future will be discussed with a level of organization and chaos that I am generally pretty good at keeping. This is my environment. I will not let you stay if you give me a reason to make you leave. I will express my emotions, thoughts and feelings as they have developed by the time Thursday comes around and I will edit posts as situations develop and the additions will be made in purple italic writing (Purple is my favorite color). So I have laid out my ground rules. I am open for positive and constructive comments.

Hello.

-Dizzy (my hair) and I