Future Foe Scenarios

Maybe it's a product of being a young Christian. Or perhaps it's something that comes with being weak in the faith or prone to sine and cosine graph emotions. Maybe you've experienced it in your walk with Jesus.

Anxiety. Pop-quiz style anxiety. A number of things could be triggering it so it's not something that can have an easily pin-pointed solution. Right now for me it could either be going to West Palm for 2 or 3 nights, or applying to graduate schools and feeling inadequate because of my current GRE score, or my failure at handling situations with people in church, or my failure at cleaning the bathroom for months. It's so annoying because I KNOW that none of these things matter. I KNOW that none of these things are nearly as large as my mind is currently making them out to be. And yet some how they get inflated. Disgustingly inflated. The advice I hear about these things is simple: Pray, give it to God, confront the person with whom the issue is with, be the bigger person, be sweet, and/or run to God.

Do you ever feel like you've either done it so little or so much you forget what that looks like? It boggles my mind because I've experienced the results of handling all types of things in the ways aforementioned and somehow... somehow I just.... forget. I have to wonder if I'm doing something wrong, if there is a pattern I'm seeking out that doesn't exist, or if I'm just an idiot. Curse me - my body and my brain since every stinkin thing that I wish not to do- being disobedient, inconsiderate, spiteful, dramatic, gossip-y, misbehaving attitude wise, etc., I end up doing! I'm not perfect. And my arms are not up screaming "I'm not perfect get off my back!" but rather "I'm not perfect and it's so blatantly obvious every time I try to do something."

So what do I do?

Praise God for His amazing patience with me. He knows I need it.

I blame Christmas. I don't know what it is, but I do not feel like it means anything. I love Jesus, He is my King, I graciously and gladly await His return, but this holiday junk has lost its flare with me. When was Christmas exciting to me? And when did it stop? It feels so easy to pass that on to the first few times my mom decided working Christmas day was important. Or the time my former "step-grandmother" told me that her birthday was just another day. All this holiday vigor and excitement got consumed and lost by the drive for a paycheck. Thanks life! Because now this piece of crap winter break has been driving me further and further away from anything relating to a family the more it makes me realize that my family IS NOT a functioning family.

The funny part about it all is that this is one of the first Christmas' that my mom has chosen to take off in a while. And I don't want to see her for it. What do you do when the bridge has caught flame dozens of times and all that's left is this narrow weak path way that you have to walk and pray you don't fall off of? Especially after you've fallen foolishly so many times before. I spend all this time either feeling totally okay and justified steering clear of my family or I spend a ton of time feeling guilty for avoiding them and not wanting to make real amends. Maybe all the forgiveness that I thought I had for my mom and my uncle is just disguised apathy? How I wish I just didn't care. But then again there are lots of things that are history that I wish I just didn't care about.

I'm still alone.

I think I managed to successfully kid myself into thinking that all the loneliness stuff I mentioned earlier was just temporary. Stuff like that is not temporary. It's as prevalent and relevant as it was when I first found it to be true. I get told that I should talk to God about problems, but that I need people. So since I know I need God... when do I actually need people? I feel alone anyway, right? I know that I shouldn't set my heart, worth, weight or what have you in people since they'll let me down, if not immediately then eventually... so what do I need people for? What's a husband for? What's a friend for?

These questions are probably all easy to answer, but at the moment I probably won't be convinced of anything until I stop being so angry at everything (another symptom of my anxiety it would seem.)

"This revolution, baby

Proves who you work for lately

Who do you work for, baby?

And does it work for you, lately?

Nor Have an Anxious Mind

So let's talk, Camelia.

From the moment I finally got to see you as you are, the moment your guard was let down, and the moment you allowed me to gain way and see outside of you, you have been under pressure.

Pressure from girls and women that are beautiful, smart and frankly better than you are. Pressure from men and their own internal scrutiny toward you in comparison to said women. Pressure from academia to achieve goals, deadlines and accomplishments that ultimately make up your pay rate and standard of living and more so who you are in the world. Pressure from your family indirectly to NOT BE like them since you are ever so prone to following their lazy, disengaged footsteps. Pressure from God to produce and perform according to His will in lieu of being tortured on earth by Him for the rest of your life.

I love you. Now wake up and believe.

Perhaps we can walk this out by first talking about the lies. And these are lies that you have to accept as lies. What does this mean? Well I ask you, what is a lie? According to dictionary.com

1. a false statement made with deliberate intent to deceive; an intentional untruth; a falsehood.
2. something intended or serving to convey a false impression;imposture

Is this not amazing? A lie is not only NOT true, but it's intent is to deceive. It is not an accidental portrayal of misinformation, but a statement deliberately set up to convince you of its reality- when in fact it is not the case at all. Camelia, you are under pressure because of lies. Lies from what you grew up with, lies from your educational institutions (socially and academically), lies from your culture via television and advertisements, lies from those surrounding you that have perpetuated the sludge because they don't realize that they've been deceived also. The pressure is not real. Some of it really is just you, but you've done so remarkably well that you recognize it and make it so that it doesn't affect your functioning. You can be dramatic internally, but you've grown and changed wonderfully from such a path. Which brings me to my next point that the pressure is also a construct of the things that you've suffered in your past. You are eaten away at not knowing what someone else will do or say because you have grown up walking on eggshells expecting strife at every turn. Tension on your end could be stagnating in comparison to the other person involved who often time is hardly considering the things you have managed to explode in your mind.

Your Job in this matter is to keep fighting. Insecurity, fear of failure, and desires to unrealistically satisfy will cause you to worry. It will cause you to stress. The lies will have been successfully implemented as truths that you've taken to heart. You can't allow it. See when the pressure is undo and call it as such. Believe that God is in control and it's absolutely okay to let go so that He can do the work. It's okay to admit that He knows what He's doing. That does not make you a failure, because He is in control. It makes you a daughter of God, one He is shaping to set forth and accomplish things you can hardly imagine. Just because God must help you, and He is the only way you can be healed and be free, does not make you a failure in His eyes. And if you do feel this way, honestly it's a facet of pride- a facet of rebellion in being frustrated that YOU can't live free without God. Truth: This is how we are made. You need God, He doesn't need you... but He wants you. Jesus is the key to living free eternally, and that is just the way it is. Take it or leave it. You can either fall knowing He is with you every step of the way and will help you up if you ask him or you can fall not wanting His help and keeping Him out because of your own pride. You decide.

Of course you choose life. Of course you choose Jesus. Of course you choose God. Why would you go back? So let's talk about some truths. And let me ask you, what is a truth?

1. the true or actual state of a matter
2. conformity with fact or reality; verity
3. an obvious or accepted fact; truism; platitude
4. (Here is an interesing definition) Archaic . fidelity or constancy

Another fun fact about truth is that simply because it's accepted as one of the definitions states, that does not make something a truth. Just because you may accept that you are less beautiful in comparison to other girls, the truth is that you are beautiful and there is absolutely no reason to compare yourself to other women. "God created you and He is a genius." Simply because you see the money is not there does not mean that it is not there. Just because YOU are worried that some guy may find you unattractive does not mean that he finds you unattractive... on top of that he's just some guy! Recognize the lies. The lies feast on fears that you must overcome, the fears are bred by the lies that nestle their way in your mind. Battle them both with the sword of truth... the Word of God.

So chew on that for a little while. You're beautiful, you're great, be humble, be sweet. Stop worrying about the clothes and food that you need. God knows that you need them, so seek God and all these things will be given to you, if you ask. And stop being so anxious because life is not made up of the things you acquire, the grades you get, the attention of a guy, the deadlines you meet, the money you're going to make, the projects you finish, the amount of names you know, nor the tricks you can do. And since life does not consist of these things stop approaching them as if they do amount to life. They are just things, and God can do so much better.

I love you, now wake up and believe.

Befriending Loneliness and her friend Truth

It's 7:30 am since it turns out my clock DID NOT set itself back until just now when I rebooted my phone. It's a good start anyhow so I don't run the risk of being late. I typically don't like blogging when I'm in the middle of irritating things, but it's 7:30am. It wouldn't hurt for me to get some of this out.

A common problem that I've encountered in my life is what I call giving people titles and roles in my life which they don't deserve. I've done it throughout high school, pulled it off a lot in college, but I think I've gotten better at being realistic- which by the way does NOT equal leaning toward pessimism and "end of the world syndrome"

So I fell into the cycle with Truelove again (let me just say that I really cannot STAND that every time I blog, a guy of interest is mentioned. It drives me nuts!) But basically it was in that gray space phase, until I once again just couldn't deal with it. Gray space. You might have remembered this from Musca in my post "living with the gray." Well I finally have a proper understanding of what that is. Essentially it's having all the benefits of a caring relationship (minus sex, of course, in my case) and exclusivity without actually defining the situation as being a relationship. If someone were to ask you "So are you and so and so a thing now?" the answer in gray space is quite literally "I don't know" not "It's complicated." because it's not. So yeah third time is a charm, but it whipped around to the same conclusions. We are so fundamentally different that it would just not work. So now I'm kinda miffed because, during this time in my life he knows the absolute most about me except for a few people in my church. He knows about my medical issues, about my stress with teaching and the GRE, and about my hobbies, life goals, and how ridiculously stubborn I am. We connected on a bunch of really important levels which as a friend makes him pretty valuable to me. But apparently he can't see himself hanging out with me without noting the attraction between us (which is kind of BS), and he's given himself to the idea that he should just cut off all communication. Perfect. I don't care, anymore. I'm so sick of being left out to dry because someone just doesn't know how to control themselves, or make compromises to preserve the key aspects of friendships (in this case it's not like I'm not willing to get over my own attraction to be a good friend to him. I've done it before.) But now, I've had it. Because, you see, I'm tired. Probably just as tired as you are reading about dramatic encounters with men.

I'm tired of putting effort into things that just don't seem worth it to people.

And it doesn't merely end with relationship stuff with men. This level of apathy is seeping into my long time friendships too. Every day I seem to look up and find myself with less people to call and talk about things with. Or the people I would normally call are just way too busy. I find myself demoting people I'm close to in my own mind. Which in reality is kind of ridiculous. They probably shouldn't have had such a status in my own mind in the first place. People are people. There are some you show more respect to than others in regards to authority, there are some you are more comfortable with personally, but at the base level of it all people are people. Not all "Christians" are Christians, and not all people are who they claim they are. Moreover, there are very very very few people- like count them one hand few people- are your close/best friends. And it might actually be fewer than that. The fake is getting to me. The reality is hitting pretty hard. As far as I'm concerned I've reached a new level of feeling lonely. But it's the kind of lonely you get when you stop deceiving yourself, when you're walking with God and you aren't allowed to hold a case or grudges or any of that.

Perhaps this is a case of being a Woman of God in the world with soooooo many people of the world.

I'm finally just not caring anymore.

"Good time to roll on,

Good time to roll on,

Good time to roll on,

Good time to roll on..."

Letting Myself Be Sick

I think you know what I mean. When you felt sick days ago, but you just had to go to class, or had to go to work, or had to absolutely do something that day... then a week passes and you feel the same symptoms creeping up on you further. Yeah... it's like that. So today will be my sick day before my body shuts down on me at the most inopportune time.

I will admit I'm kind of excited to make some mac and cheese and play F.E.A.R, but I miss Sam and Christi already. I always see them on Wednesdays.

Alright so I'm here, what shall I talk about.

Let's talk about my anxiety. Since apparently that's what God is testing me in these days and will most likely to continue to test me in for years to come.

I am anxious about:

1. Being sick. Not my "aww I have a common cold" sick, but the "my body aches in the important lower regions of my body and I don't know why" sick. It's scary, but I'm trying every moment to not live in fear of what it may be.
2. Homework assignments. I'm doing them. They're getting done, I just don't know if I'm doing everything to my highest standard and ability. This performance pressure of mine won't let up it seems.
3. Graduate school. I finally made a break through and started my school's application. Such a huge step for me, because I have this tendency to let things pile up in my mind and freak out because the pile is so large... instead of actually doing something about the pile in real time.
4. Loving people. There are quite a few people that I want to (if I haven't already) pour my life out to in efforts to love them and be there for them. Maybe in my being a young Christian I'm expecting too much too soon. I feel like I'm not achieving anything, when in reality people's lives don't change over night, their mind sets don't change overnight, the insanity they view as normal or okay isn't merely going to leave upon me saying something to them or suggesting new ways to consider things. Loving people deeply is a walk. And walks like that take time and patience and love from God- not myself.

Lani told me something that I hadn't heard in a while in the context of me needing to give myself a break. He told me that I got dealt a mess from the very beginning of my life, that was just it and the way it was. I got older and realized it was a mess and have been busting my butt to climb my way out ever since. Working hard through school and working jobs, all things that call for performance in order for me to succeed.

Because that's how I operate, with this performance pressure mindset, it's like my default mode. I have to get it right or I run the risk of failing and being back where I started, where ever that might be. There is a healthy element to that I would assume, but it's so intensely manifest in me that it takes on a form of stress... and it turns physical.

Much of this comes down to me being able to trust God with my life... all of it. And somehow my brain wants to figure that pattern out too, what does it look like to trust God with my life? How do I know I'm doing it correctly? What if I'm doing it wrong? And all the aches I haven't felt since High School come back to haunt me. I had a really good streak of pain free months this past year, and I don't know where it all went. Probably disappeared around the time I realized God was angry at me about Truelove. Huh... I guess I didn't consider that until now, but that might be where all this stress started.

I just want to be able to trust God in everything I do. I just want to be able to live my life in such a way that I would not believe for a second that I have forgotten Him. But I also want to do it sanely, and not because I feel like I must impress Him (He is not impressed by the things I do). I want to obey Him and not have it appear to be me walking on eggshells. I want to love Him and not act like He'll leave me if I don't do it right. There is so much certainty and so much surety, so much security there. It always will be. I just want my mind, my body and my soul to act like it.

God is not my mother.

God is God. God is the Person that loves me so much He gave His only Son so that I may be able to have a life in Him... an everlasting life. I just need to remember that. It's okay if I don't know what that looks like right now, I will and Jesus will give me the grace to figure it out. I don't have to worry. Srsly. DON'T WORRY. I suppose that much of this comes from me not being able to bounce back when someone is frustrated or disappointed in me about something. I usually spend my time cowering in a corner and being afraid to do anything (walking on eggshells essentially), but with God I don't have to do that. I repent, I pray, I breathe and He hugs me and tells me to go on and behave. He does not want my dignity to be lessened and he does not want me to cower and be insignificant and useless in his sight. He wants me to be strong, humble, sweet, patient, and loving to live a life in Him that displays all of that naturally- not forced. So when I mess up I need to show remorse (upsetting God is NOT fun), but I can pick myself up and dust myself off and know that He has my back, He won't let me fall.

*phew* my anxiety talk in a nut shell. I really needed to share that and come to the conclusions I did.

Something else really random: So lately I have heard people make jokes about Jesus being zombie, and that the resurrection of souls is pretty much like a zombie apocalypse. Absurd, of course, but in my naive brain and in my naive thinking I became a little worried because I don't know what the Resurrection will look like, nor does anyone else. Again I know this is totally crazy, but bear with me there is a good ending to this thought avalanche. So this morning I read Mark 12 and I got to verses 24-27 and came to relief about such trite, silly thinking. haha Verse 27 Jesus ties this off with "He is not the God of the dead, but of the living; you are greatly mistaken." (NASB)

And underneath that it also helped me be confronted with another anxiety problem that I have that I chose not to mention earlier because it wasn't at the fore front. Marriage. Good heavens I'm ready to be. But obviously I'm not ready for it. The set of verses I point out paint a picture for me about where marriage should be in my hierarchy of concerns spiritually. Verse 25 Jesus says:"For when they rise from the dead, they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven." There is a life beyond this that Jesus explains so briefly, but so elaborately, that even marriage is obsolete within it. I hope to make it a task to place marriage in it's proper place- Below the desire to be in God's kingdom. That will probably rid me of a few problems along the way.

"You've been looking for a sign all this time, If you seek you'll find me every time."

When My Soul Takes a Drink

I went to a retreat this past weekend with my church. It was so simple. We were in Melrose for about 3 days, which is just outside of Gainseville. The camp was small, but big. I'll do my best to recap all the things that happened.

Thursday 23rd

I went to class and hung out with people in between my (now) two classes; I dropped my Russian class that had successfully overworked me. I went and picked up Jacob and we drove back to my house after a run to publix. Just before that I got a text from Brandon about getting a ride with him his wife and best of all their son Aiden! I don't think I felt that randomly excited about seeing a baby before. Maybe it was because I had been wanting to text them and ask how he was doing since last I heard he wasn't feeling so great. Well upon going home I packed my junk and drove over to Brandon and Betsy's house to park my car (my window on the driver side won't go up the inch and half it needs to be sealed from the rain >.<) We didn't leave til a bit late since I was craving a burger. While we were driving I dug myself into a stupid text conversation with Truelove, and then eventually tried to fall asleep... And Aiden had gotten hungry. We stopped at two gas stations (the first was closed) to try to give him warm food. Among all this (because he cried for more than half the trip) I found myself being woken out of dead sleep a few times, but although I could feel a hint of agitation building up somewhere in me, it was consistently overwhelmed by this sense of duty... Duty to Aiden that is. I tried to comfort him as best I could while he was strapped into his seat and many times I was so tempted to take him out, but thought better of it (for obvious reasons). I think what makes this such a big deal is that I couldn't recognize where I got that ability to pick-up this understanding of loving someone so much because I had no choice if I actually wanted to make them happy. Not even having boyfriends could get that kind of true love and duty out of me. God surprises me with myself. We get there and I'm roomed with Emily and Amanda and I just want to sleep. It finally happens with some tuning out with my mp3 player. Then at 1AM we all get moved to another room because we were in the wrong one! lol Good times. It was the best sleep I had in a long time because I was just so worn out!

Friday 24th

8AM Breakfast

9AM Devotional Time

10AM Worship Service

12PM Lunch

1PM Nap

2PM Fooseball, but no one was there! *sad face* I just wandered around and hung out with people in the Nursery. (Maybe I like babies more than I thought)

4PM Planning Project, I thought I'd be stressed out about this project because that's how I normally get when I go out of town when something is due. But nope no pressure... in fact I learned something about myself.

It came up while listening to Brandon Heath's song Trust You. It was like the song was telling on me and I started to cry. Mainly in regards to the whole Truelove thing. I realized that the main reason that I was (and might still be) hooked on this guy was because of the intense connection that I have with him because we had had sex. Even if it was over a year ago, even if it was a short lived fling, the emotional, physical, mental and spiritual connection I have to him still existed. And by trying to rid myself of it and get over that on my own I was sinning against God. Sex is a creation that He deemed to be a certain way for me to enjoy that includes the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual connecting to someone; and to think that I could somehow sever those ties that I created because I had abused such a gift in my past is ridiculous. I kept asking God to help me break myself of those ties when in reality He is the only one that can sever and heal that part of my life. By trying to force myself out of a connection with Truelove I had only given myself to the problem and focused my energy on controlling something I have no control over. And I repented then and there. Then Leah came in and offered me peanut butter and nutella sandwiches. I had thought she told me to meet her somewhere else and I wandered around the camp for a long while looking for her, only to discover after about 15 minutes that she was in my room the whole time.

6PM Dinner

7-9PM I watched babies in the Nursery with Lara. Again babies! lol But it was fun hanging out with William and Sam and watching them play and consoling Noah who was horrendously upset! The girls faired rather well though. Elizabeth, Lara's daughter, and Eliana, Allie were pretty good not being around their parents. Aiden was good once he had some toys that caught his interest. I ended that sitting session consoling Taylor who crying in her crib and it was really cool having her fall asleep in my arms even if it only lasted for about 2 minutes. She was nestled into my chest and was so still and content. I guess I never thought of myself as much of a good maternal figure (in my own mind ha!)

9-10PM I went to the campfire and had s'more around the camp fire. Devin picked on me about my umbrella not opening and Angel tried to help me get it open. Pretty funny endeavor. Then I had hoped to go to bed, but I hung out with Sally and talked to her about current events. I hope that she knew that I was listening. I was so tired that my posture wasn't great, but watching her hoola hoop in a crowded room was pretty cool.

Saturday 25th

8AM Breakfast

9AM Devotional Time (which wasn't much of one because of older ladies talking about Yoga and the camps history, and then little kids storming the next place I sat at with Mike sitting at the other end of the building. then I went to the chapel and hung out waiting for the 10AM meeting and listened to Heather practice for worship. She's awesome. I love her voice.

10AM Morning Meeting with Raymond

12PM Lunch Where i talked to Abraham, Jerusha and Martin's son.

1PM-4PM Played a half game of fooseball since it was happening earlier than expected. I'm still thinking of playing soccer this year. I need to get back into running once I get better shoes. Then I changed into my swim shorts, borrowed from Brent, and went out to the lake. And some how I ended up going with Amanda, Hannah, Mariah, Addie, and Jason on a boat for tubing. I was the last one to go because I had never gone before and was a little worried, but it turned out to be so much fun! The boat drivers name was Kyle. Then I hung out and waded around in the lake with all those out there. Josh and I got into a water tossing match that was fun. I hung out with Christi who enjoyed having the weight of the twins off of her just a little while. Then I walked toward my dorm, but stopped to talk to Alicia, Kim and Renee while Kim was getting Eliana ready for the lake. Then Jacob came up with the golf cart and I convinced him to take me to my dorm since I didn't have my shoes near me. I went back to my room showered and worked on my project a little more.

6PM Dinner

7PM Evening Meeting; Sally wrote a song from Psalm 52 and performed it with Christine and Jamie.

9-11PM Again I wanted to go to bed early, but not when you're bunking with a ton o' girls! I listened to Emily receive some tooth brushing and flossing advice, and I think in my own insecurity and preconceived notions I laughed it off, maybe harder than I needed to. Something I'll have to look at my heart at with God and sift through. Then Emily, Sally and I had a sweet time hanging out with Jerusha who is truly amazing. She is a woman of God and someone to be respected. She talked to us about personal girl and guy things that were very useful and helpful. And she encouraged Emily with her fiancée who is recently a man of God himself. Then she was informed about Michaela and Kurt being engaged and explaining why Lindsey hadn't come to the retreat too! Lots of wisdom was shared from her that night. It was sweet. Then afterwards Jamie and Amanda had come back and we all went to bad, but not before hearing Jamie's your mom jokes aimed at Emily and giggling like school girls for about an hour.

Sunday 26th

8AM Breakfast

9AM Genesis and Abraham got baptized! Praise God! It was amazing. Watching their father was in tears while in prayer afterward, it was a glorious thing to see. It made me think of when I got baptized. It's really awesome to watch someone announce to the world that they are choosing to walk with Jesus.

10AM Meeting; The kids put on a great performance lead by Molly. Favorite line, taken out of context, but it truly was like a drink to my soul:

"We were created for God to get to know and enjoy us and God created us for us to love and enjoy Him." This may be a paraphrase, but I'll fix it once I get it right. I felt this amazing wave of joy and relief fall over me.

12PM Lunch

So here are some things I came away with:

1) I'm much more quiet than normal; I don't know what that's a product of. I described it to Aaron before as all the stuff that I learned is coming through and entering into me like water through a Brita filter. Nothing is being filtered out per se, all the messages are just sinking in slowly

2) Internet and phone usage has dropped tremendously. It's nice to say I'll only be on Facebook for 10 minutes and be done in four. Or not check my phone ever 2 minutes even when no one has called me. I feel less like a slave to those things.

3) I pray more. I hadn't realized how much talking to God I don't do. I need to be talking to Him about everything, and normally if I'm not talking to Him about something I'm probably being negligent or trying to control it. He's got my back. It's nice for me to act like it.

4) I'm feeling more adult. Or at least a bit more... more of something that I have a poor amount of language knowledge to explain. It's nice though. On top of not worrying about anything.

Fast

OOOOooooOOOO! It's a Thursday! In a new month! w00t! Today was interesting. There was a boy! (surprise surprise) And it was actually a second chance to do things correctly.... A coincidence is that it took 3 weeks for things to settle in (and for me to accept thoroughly the fact that it was going to work out) beginning from my first day of classes.

His name is Truelove and he was one of my pre-Jesus messes that I really wished I could have gone differently. This time around it was because sex was going to be excluded from the relationship... and he could see himself being unhappy about it from the beginning. I fought with him about it, but he wasn't going to budge (... nor was I) and eventually it ended awkwardly. Mostly because we were flirting a lot over the past three weeks. Kind of disgusting in hindsight. Apparently though he flirted the absolute most with me he would flirt consistently with other girls too. I guess I think that's just gross and disrespectful. Why would I be okay with a guy holding a girl the same way he holds me? I may not be worth it to him, but I KNOW I'm worth it period, so I'll get over any little emotional investment I might have brought in with the prospect of us going out. *sigh* Single for longer, but at least this crap is over now. Finding a man that's the total package is harder than I anticipated haha.

The over all encompassing theme of the day was fasting. I only told Truelove because he asked me what was going on with me today. It was hard, but it was very amazing. I tried to fast before and it didn't go very well.... probably because I wasn't sincere in my prayer and what I wanted to see change. I was fasting for:

1. Our churches retreat that we're having in two weeks.

2. That Truelove would make the best decision and that I would overall be okay with his decision especially if it is one that I didn't totally enjoy. (which is what I expected and DID happen)

3. For the Quran Burning events and that God would intervene on the situation.

2 and 3 went exactly as they should although 2 was pretty painful in the middle of it. Being told that because you won't provide sex in a relationship that it's not worth trying is kind of hard to swallow gracefully. I just hope he gets put in the friend zone quickly so that I can try and be better friends with his roommate Meghan who I really liked when I met her, but I'm mentally preparing for that to not go very well. Politics of friendships sucks.

Fasting overall taught me two things

1. I can do it. I need to be sincere and honest about my intentions and devote myself to it. Telling your body "no" as you anticipate french fries and a burger after your class is no easy task, but it can be done. I really got to see the root of the issues I was dealing with.

2. I can't do anything without God. I fought for Truelove and was pretty adamant about it. And that could have gone really bad if he had decided to change his mind and try it. God kept me up and by keeping TL honest it kept me from making this giant mistake that I seemed to want so desperately.

I wish I could handle myself better with these situations. Men are so stinkin complicated. I don't want to join a youth ministry on campus because I feel like I'd be shopping.... What a horrible concept! But a very true one haha. I'll get it right eventually. And it will hopefully take less than 3 weeks for me to get the picture that stuff with guys that aren't in line with Jesus just won't work. I need to stop letting the guys dictate what's going on (unless they're right) and then make them stick to their guns in every regard. Tough lessons. I'm glad I didn't make this known to a ton of people. Definitely blew up in my face.

Jesus is so amazing. He makes me so resilient.

"And I lay my head back down, and I lift my hands and pray to be only Yours. I pray to be only Yours; I know now You're my only hope..."

... if it's not broken...

"No," I say to myself in a grown. "I don't want to help anyone move. I hate helping people move, it sucks and I just want to not do anything today."

"Ugh," I moan. "I really don't want to help this person move, but I don't have much else to do until I baby sit... I wanted to wash my hair, but helping I guess is more important."

"I really hope it's in my head." I think on the verge of tears. "Did she just snatch that from me? Why is she avoiding conversation with me? Is she really still upset with me?"

"Pray about it?" I ask myself sceptically. "Pray for what? The situation? That her attitude changes? That we can be friends? Is that what I even want? Is that what I ought to do? What's this torturing me for?"

Today is like trying to climb a muddy hill in the rain with the help of a skimpy rope. I am bitter, sad, and frustrated. Am I premenstrual? I hate that my attitude and emotions for some people can be summed up by one thing. What if something is actually bugging me? Who do I tell it to without them telling me that I'm overreacting?

Talking to people is really hard because I usually ask people that I go to church with or that I consider good friends... and what usually ends up happening is that they try to "fix" me. They try to tell me what I need to do to "fix" my problem as if I'm too incompetent to figure it out on my own. Or they suggest things without my asking that I could do to "fix" something that they think I want to change.

I.

Don't.

Want.

To.

Be.
Fixed.

I just want to be loved. I want to know what I should pray for. I want to know if it's okay for me to not care when someone is being a certain way. I think I'll do my best to pray about it and just get over my reluctance to help people. Isn't it a weird reluctance to have?

Whatever. I just want to sleep and not do anything. I'm fuckin sick of this shit now. I want to feel better and less annoyed.

Done.

That Was Me

One of the last things I said tonight to one of the birthday boys at a party I attended after he burst into the room screaming about how "these [explitive] were trying to make [him] drink water." *sigh* :) Love is hard work no matter what angle your trying to go at it. Not more than 10 minutes after that I left.

It is true and I will share testimony that their comes a point in a social gathering when things stop being fun, especially when there is alcohol involved. "Nothing good ever happens after midnight." For me it's normally around one or later. Sure enough by 1:10 the comment was made and I was watching to weirdness ensue. Maybe I'm getting old? No. Just responsible. And smarter about those types of situations.

I did manage to talk to someone about purpose and give them a different perspective on life after a family is formed. It was uplifting and nice to talk to someone with a faith background and watch them light up. Not what I expected, but honestly it was the only actual conversation that I had with anyone the whole time I was there... aside from the ones that were struck because of my choice (and my following through) to remain sober and not have a drop of alcohol. Good thing too because it was tricky trying to leave the parking lot.

Some day I'll learn to leave a party at a pivotal moment when things start to change... I don't know when that would have been for this event. Probably around the time that the cake was brought out upon the arrival of some other friends around was it midnight? I didn't look at a clock the entire time I was there... Maybe I should try to gauge it by time...perhaps 12AM can be my cut off for going out... It was in Russia I don't see why it wouldn't translate to here. I'll have to keep that in mind next time.

But next time it will probably be my birthday :)

Difficulty Level

It's pretty ridiculous. I'm back from Russia for a little more than two weeks now and I haven't blogged about it a single bit here. To be honest it's because I've felt so disappointed in myself from looking at the bad and having it outweigh the good in almost every respect. It was a six week trip with many lessons, but for the sake stress (and me being sick at the moment) I'm going to just relax and... move on.

Some weird stuff has been happening lately. I definitely felt myself slipping away spiritually. I couldn't bring myself to pray, I couldn't bring myself to dive into the word, and I couldn't bring myself to stop letting things purposely distract me. I even have a schedule and planner to get organized (which I actually can't find at the moment) and thinking it over I think it made the situation worse- I became busy and used all of the busy schedule stuff to purposely keep me from time with God... And though I didn't want to admit it to myself it was making me depressed and unhappy.

Among other things I've been trying to think about Graduate school, preparing for the GRE, continuing my research, and maintaining a sort of social life. I'm working a bit this summer and trying not to think about the bills that, to me, seem impossible to pay. And others' opinions on the matter aren't totally helping... I wonder if that is something I need to work on. If how I react or respond internally to others thoughts is a matter of interest. Two things happened recently though very small triggered a strange response.

1) Potatoes. So I helped go shopping for potatoes and I thought and expressed baked potatoes for the fourth of July part would be a great idea. The person purchasing the potatoes had no qualms against it, at least I thought. We get to our friends house and the potatoes are cut and the lady of the house asked if they were all for mashed potatoes and I rose my voice to speak and the person who bought the potatoes cut me off and answered in affirmation. The lady caught notice of this and asked if it were up for debate and again I was cut off with the purchasers negation to the latter question. In almost a sort of panic I brought up that I considered having baked potatoes which is why I was excited about sour cream and salsa. Trite and banal- yes. But I couldn't help but realize that if I hadn't said anything my idea would have been thrown out the window. And that isn't the first time I've had it happen in a small group setting. I sometimes feel I have to scrap my way to the top in order to not get tossed aside.

2) Headband. A very sweet woman has been helping me get things on track. But think I might have worn out my need for advice from her. She was over at my house one day and she eventually got up to leave and upon giving me a hug, she looks at me and goes: "You need a head band." and walks away. I was stunned for just a second and I turned around and smiled and asked "why?" And she made gesture of what my hair would look like if I had a hair band. Commonplace and unimportant- yes. I think I'm just sick of feeling like I need to get fixed. I'm not one to take offense to much of anything, but don't talk about my hair. It's a touchy subject that unfortunately still has some sore ties. What made me happy is that later on that day my friends Aaron and Marlo said that they were so happy to see how much I've changed for the better in life. It was honestly among the first real genuine compliments I've received this week that weren't ways to "encourage" me or to "reassure" me of anything. It was pure and honest "Hey you're doing great and I've seen it over all these years." And it wasn't disguised in the form of a lecture either.

So yeah there is that... and then there is stuff with my mom. Surprise surprise. I talked to her today since she called me about a letter I got from a bank that was sent to her house. (rant: Which really pisses me off because that is NOT the address I gave them to send anything too and it is none of her business about that account even if she is my mother. It's really frustrating.) And that was it. That's really the only reason she called me and then our conversation changed to something about her job and shish-kabobs... And then she put her boyfriend Johnny on the phone... He asked me how I was, instead of harping on how I sounded and barely listening to what I was explaining. He asked me about school and I told him about grad school and where I was thinking- and the most peculiar thing happened... my mom interrupted him and started talking to him since she had to go to work and she wanted him to take her.

There are multitude of things wrong with that for me:

1) I felt like someone was taking candy out of my mouth

2) For the first time someone who was in a relatively legit familial possession in my life was paying attention to me.

I keep reaching for things that aren't really there. I insist on having hope for authoritative figures in my life that are related to me... that are from where I'm from. In any case I'm at square one with that. And the only way I know how to deal with it is to ignore it.

"Driven by the strangle of vein,

Showin no mercy, I'll do it again

Open up your eyes, you keep on cryin

Baby, I'll bleed you dry."

Maybe I'll stop feeling like life is on the EXTREME setting when in reality it's on NORMAL.

Alive and Kicking

Non point was an excellent way to top off the Spring Semester. I'll admit I'm pretty jealous that the graduating seniors got a speech from the lead singer. It was pretty fantastic.

Last night I got a full idea of the kind of power I have within a group of people. People always told me that my personality is rather striking. (this is me paraphrasing of course) I can light up a room without trying or bring down the mood if I'm not careful and paying attention. I went to this concert alone and met a group of people that were very chill... and more than likely very spiritually lost. It didn't matter I just hung out with them and smiled and was positive. I kept being nice and friendly to the surrounding people around me and it turned out to be a good time. I got two numbers from two guys. Apparently I leave an impression on people. The most amazing thing I felt while in this concert setting was this overwhelming respect I received from the guys that were taking notice in me. They at the most ONLY dreamed of placing their arm around me or getting fresh with me in any regard. I felt like my attitude and confidence set the tone for how they were going to treat me even the way I dressed which was normal and not sexualized. It was a rather beautiful display for me. If God was trying to show me the new me in such a setting He made me blush with a good modesty.

So I rocked out, had fun, met some very sweet people and I finally get to settle down and just focus on packing for Russia and unpacking in my new permanent home. Russia will be good for me. Living with the Peck's will be good for me. I'm learning to kinda just give everything to God. Including love interests, homework problems, frustrations with people... all of it. I'm learning all to quickly that if I don't let it go now it'll just fester and bite me back in the end. I was told that my mood is very powerful too... and I'm responsible for it since it does affect other people as drastically as it does. Maybe that's what I was putting to work by not creeping off to myself and being the strange lone dog at the show....

Let's see how I do in Russia when I leave this Wednesday...

"What's wrong with me? You wanna know what's wrong with me... I could ask you the EXACT same thing."

To Russia... 2

Holy cow! I really really wish that I had about 3 more weeks added on to this semester! But I'll be okay as long as I stay disciplined. So far so good.

I've been staying at Lani and Renee's quite a bit since it seems to be the only place where I can sleep. Being in my dorm is simply no longer enticing. It's not as quiet as I once thought it was it would seem. I've been waking up earlier and the commute to school is proving to not be as much of a hassle as I thought. I like being awake in the mornings. I feel useful.

My hair. There is a subject I don't talk a lot about given the name of this thing. My hair is awesome. It's so long now and I seem to refuse to give it the credit it deserves. I can put my hair in a pony tail and not have to bobby pin the whole thing. I can wear my hair out for days and watch as it gets bigger and bigger. People play with my hair at any given moment which I know for some is blasphemy, but for me it's a complete complement. No one really wanted to touch it before. It's pretty awesome to watch how I've been finding ways to limit my time in the shower. I'm getting really good at this. I used to take about a 20 to 40 minutes in the shower with detangling and what not, and that was a step down from two showers because of DTing! But now it's about 15 minutes not even to shower and wash my hair and I all of my detangling out of the shower. Saving time, money and water. Although recently I've been having issues with dry scalp which is never good. My scalp started to develop some scabs I think or at least high levels of irritation. I couldn't tell. I think washing and messaging with water has been the most help with that. Huh... feels good to be writing about this again. But now I'll have to admit I was absolutely obsessed in the beginning.

I've been good about not adding boys to my list of attractions recently. I'm proud of myself. Lots of cute guys too. I'm becoming impressed with myself. This sexual healing bible study I've been doing has really helped me to relax. I've come to (one of many) conclusion(s) that my trust in God will reflect how I will react to dealing with the opposite gender. I'm finally beginning to trust Him and His work through me is showing. I think I'm awesome now. I think I'm attractive, I think I look great (I've been working out lately it's part of my discipline.), all these things I once needed a guy for I no longer have pressure about. It's a beautiful thing not wanting to be with someone as if it's something necessary. Maybe that will help me with my fear of settling.

I leave for Russia in a matter of weeks. How frightening! I'm excited since I know there are a few Christians coming along with me on the trip. That helps me feel safer and less alone spiritually at least. I want to take pictures, I want to see the sites, I want to learn the language! Everything my heart has been set on is finally coming into play... I need to write down what I pray for. Sometimes I forget and I don't realize that it's something that I had wanted for long time. I'm getting this. I'm going. God has allowed it. I hope He has blessed it. I'm excited.

Getting Out

I hope to look back on this blog years later and want to delete a lot of the stuff that I wrote especially thinking back now just how incredibly stupid I've been. Things that I worried about, things that I've stressed about. I hope to look back and "burn" all the pages written by the troubled girl I once was.

Not that i think I'm any better now. Even now as I type this I'm stuck in my own head. I have troubles and inner feelings of discomfort and aggravation that are mainly present because of one very consistent problem that I have... The inability to let it go. I used to be infuriated with the very idea. But back then my mother was telling me to let go of six years of abuse by my uncle without apology or care. The unrighteousnesses of it all was enough to drive anyone without God to hatred and wrath. But now.... *sigh* now it's over stupid acquaintance/boy stuff. I deleted some people from my facebook. Kevin and Musca being among them. I had really hoped Kevin would have been willing to be a good friend to me, but instead he just chose to ignore me... even after telling me he wasn't going to disappear... even after saying that he loved me like a sister. It's heart breaking actually. Since even for a little time I thought he'd be a friend at the very basic sense of the word... maybe me being saddened by the whole thing isn't stupid boy stuff. It's a wake up call that just makes me want to cry. Well... glad that's over and done.

Musca is incredibly obvious. Apparently even when your 25 you still determine to ignore girls that you ultimately know you're not going to end up sleeping with. Surprise surprise. I just want to be friends with people that love Jesus already! Is that so hard to come across? Why yes, actually. The world sits in the lap of the evil one. Those who follow God are sore thumbs which the world openly intends to suppress. I'm not sure if this is how Traci feels, but I have a strong desire to leave Florida... but not without Church family.

Sometimes I wonder if my desire to travel and go abroad was something set on my heart by God or something that I'm using to avoid pains (not so much responsibility) I don't regret coming to FSU, but romantically I'm so tainted here. It shows within me when I walk outside and I feel so immensely unattractive. I'm so thankful that I'm finally officially not wanting a relationship, but it's because I'm sick of the obsessions I put myself through. Yet all of this wouldn't really change if went somewhere else... it would be like a clean slate of new people for me to screw everything up again either way.

I need to get out of my own head.

I need to let God speak instead of giving so much room to the gray voice... the voice that I'm realizing spouts bad things about me I wouldn't normally think. The one that thinks I'm stupid, the one that thinks I'm not pretty, the one that thinks I'm fat the one that thinks that I can't do anything right, the one that makes me question my worth as a woman, the one that makes me think of how worthless I am because of my skin color. The same voice that makes me think God is out to get me and punish me for nothing. Lies. Every last one of those is a lie. I'm going to trust God. I'm going to trust him through the promise through Jesus that He gave to me and everyone else.

On the grand scheme, Death will be over come, Life will be given and the Lord I've come to know and love will reign supreme.

How can I be defeated by the world when I have that kind of promise?

"My God He was, my God He is, my God He's always gonna be."

I'm on Fire

Reading my last post completely embarrasses me. I'm tempted to delete it, but I think I'm going to keep it for a little while. And maybe do some editing to it of things that I've learned and realized now that I'm not hyper emotionally involved.

I'm pretty convinced that God has set up a method with me to deal with things. He isolates the problem for me... makes it stick out like a sore thumb, so I have no choice, but to deal with it. I could be wrong. And I don't think He has set me up to fail. But I have a number of choices when guy stuff comes up. Only when God is involved I actually have two. His way or my way.

It's never been so ridiculously apparent that I have crazy issues when it comes to the opposite gender! It's never been so in my face and frequented until now. I guess I can't say that it's never been a problem, but it has never been a problem that's stood out so intensely as it has been recently. I felt the same thing when I was dealing with having to love people that I don't like (i.e. stupid, ignorant, or selfish people). It was a pretty powerful thing I dealt with then too. So now I'm having to keep my eye-candy search in check. Otherwise I'll end up with another 'Musca situation', which is a recent name for the type of situation that I've always dealt with from guys in college.

I started this sexual healing bible study. It's forced me to begin this really hard process of having a real relationship with God. The book is so small, but it's packed with such powerful realizations. What makes the relationship aspect so difficult is having to let go and/or completely confess to the things I will never be proud of, never be able to fully explain to anyone, and things that I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to be forgiven for. It's daunting. But I do have to remember that I am forgiven and in order to heal I need to lay it all on the table. So far so good

"I'm standing on the edge of me,

I'm standing on the edge of everything I've never been before"

Learning to live with the Grey

I cried sooo hard last night. It was painful. People say it's always a bad idea to drive while under emotional stress. I did alright for the most part. Musca really told me how it was....

There are lots of things people must heal and go through in life. My question to the God I'm understanding and loving is WHY did it have to be sexual issues? WHY did it have to be issues with men in relationships? WHY do I have to have a fight or flight response when it comes to guys I'm interested in? WHY do I get insecure? WHY can't I just relax? People ask me that as if I can actually achieve anything positive on my own.

Of all things to have a fucking problem with WHY did it have to be this?

Musca told me and I quote:

"I used to be like you.

I wanted black and white

couldn't handle grey.

Lost the best woman I've ever met because of that.

Live in the grey for a bit. It's not that bad. Unless you have nothing else going on.

I'm gonna go to sleep now.

goodnight."

Apparently that's where my desire to relax and let things be disintegrates. There is a level of grey are I can't deal with apparently. I have to know how things are and how they must be and I can't relax. Either a guy is interested in me or he isn't. Either I can talk to him just about whenever or I can't. Either they better tell me the truth or not speak to me... the last one has bit me in the ass because when they choose not to speak I flip shit because lack of closure is where I snap back into "mother/daughter" phase. The phase where I blame myself for everything and allow for any and every bit of manipulation to take place. Where I trap or get trapped in the very thing I'm longing to get away from because I don't know how to get out...

I kept running it through my head. About how much I'm a screw up in situations with guys. How much I push and push the limit with talking to them like I'm purposely sabotaging the whole situation. Kay says that it's really the one area I'm weakest in. She says that it's insecurity basically because I've been hurt so much by men in my life whether they've been present or not. She told me that I've gone through so much and have grown and have been strong through so much and that I'll come through this too. I want to believe that.

I wish I could just stop wanting to be with someone. And stop meeting people that I'm attracted to. It sucks because I try so hard not to get hopeful, that I get hopeful and end up feeling like a dolt by the end. I don't want to think about it. I'm sick of crying before, in or out of a relationship. I'm sick of crying when I'm not even staring down to a relationship. It's fucking aggravating. It makes me hate myself. All of my experiences from my abuse to my last relationship have just rendered me so tired- tired of myself and tired of wanting something that I can't seem approach properly.

I want to live with the grey in peace.

OR... I can listen to the woman in my life that told me that when a guy who loves God is interested in you it will be clear and he won't ask you to "go with the flow." Another aspect to this is to realize that what he told me was blatant manipulation. He's asking me to just sit there and wait until something happens and in the end it's rude and kind of disrespectful. The woman I talked to said to me that a man who expects you to sit in a grey area knows that you may have baggage and stuff you're going through and isn't willing to deal with it and love you as you need to be. She said that a man that is interested in me will see that I need things in black and white and will be very clear and willing to walk with me through my learning and healing stuff. I fell into my "mother/daughter phase" without even trying. Manipulation is the name of the game apparently. There is a truth about love and relationships that I don't know... I'm half determined to find it, but not through trial and error. I might be able to just shut the case for Musca down now.... thank you CK.

Kay also told me something very strange that I hadn't been able to sort out. She says that I seem to have a hard time loving myself. I can love other people, but the reason relationship stuff is difficult for me is because I'm not very good at loving myself. I cried even more at the thought!

Have I really spent so much time loving other people I've left myself out of the equation? Am I equating myself loving other people as loving myself? I feel like I'm doing something ridiculously wrong by even considering what "loving myself" is. I haven't talked to anyone about it, but I probably should. How do I love myself without turning away from God? I understand what having dignity and self respect are. I know what I'm worth. I have an idea on how to act like it.... but to love myself.... I missed that memo I guess. I could start with being nice to myself I suppose. Cutting myself some slack on things that I end up doing in his pathetic relationship cycle I place myself in.

I want my appetite back now...

Almost

This spring break is awesome. Good music, good friends (for the most part), video gaming, and plenty of sleep. It's fun seeing how relaxing can truly transform you when you're out of the chaotic elements of life.

Lani got back last night and we went to a coffee shop today. I was trying not to eye the cute guy at the coffee shop, because that's what I do haha. But I remember drinking my cappuccino and thinking more and more how much I don't really care to be in a relationship with someone.... It was pretty cool. It was a peaceful calming thought...

I almost managed to grab a hold of it and then somehow I slipped back into the wanting to be married thing and I felt temporarily defeated! How close I was to being completely okay with being single!!! Gah! I think it stemmed from me seeing the pictures in the coffee shop; images of a missions trip perhaps in India where young people were spending time with the kids and it was pretty amazing. I thought about Grad school... and potentially joining the peace corp as a part of my degree. I was telling someone about how I could easily end up in Africa with my future Planning experience, but I genuinely found myself being worried about things like not having the conditioner I need for my hair and warm water and such things that aren't important really, just things that I'm used to having available to me... But lately I've eased up on the idea that I could still end up there... or anywhere else for that matter. The whole thing in my mind turned into me just needing to be available to go where I need to go... and guys just weren't a part of that plan- and for once in my mind that was alright.

I'm almost there. I would really like to get there it would be really liberating I think... Well back to work.