With a Panic....

Goofy songs get stuck in my head.

Sooo. I'm seeing someone. Yep. There is someone in my life right now that I like a lot that's made me shut up about being single and unworthy of dating (although the latter thought was short lived,) Oh and guess what! He's not a douche bag!!! I WIN!!!... okay I'm done. He's great, he likes movies, he's super tall (I tell everyone this because it's probably one of my favorite things about him) and he writes the most thoughtful cute.....MUSHY awesome letters ever. (That's right, letter writing was involved! :D ) His name is Kevin.

For the first time in the last few years I have found someone I'm interested in that I'm not simply settling for. I'm not acting desprately, I'm relaxed, calm and "not clingy??" I don't know, but it's definitely a nice change in pace. He's not a Christian, but he's not a God hating atheist either. I don't intend on molding him or shaping anything he believes, but of course I think everyone needs Jesus lol I'll be surprised as to what God does with his life. I'm really excited about my chance to excercise my values in a relationship of sorts. So far so good.

My mother and I aren't talking. The end of the last visit made me realize that she swims deep in drama that she creates herself. She was pretty rude to me on the last day I was in West Palm even though she claimed to want to see me. I really have had enough of her attitude and her unwarranted jealousy and her hypocritical actions in her Christian life. All I can do is forgive her (which I'm not sure if I have yet) and pray for her. LJF struck some pretty annoying chords in my last few days in West Palm as well. Between them both I feel as if I am an inconvenience. Asking LJ for a ride to see my mother was like pulling teeth. Getting my mom to be patient when LJ and I were at an event was like listening to a 2 year old scream about not being able to have a cookie (and then when she gets it she bitches about it and doesn't even eat the damned thing). It was really frustrating and made me just not want to depend on either one of them. And now I'm coming to terms with the fact that I can't. The two most important women in my life are so wrapped up in their lives and what they want and what works for them that I can't even get a real hug. "I love you" is an obligatory statement. Arguments or disagreements are met with either a fake smile in the end with advice to ignore the problem or simple silence with no resolve...

I hate going "home."

But I come back to Tallahasee and Lani meets me. I get a big hug and am met with good news that he waits to tell me until he starts making tea for us both. Apparently I have a car... and I'm picking it up today after a week or so of waiting. If that isn't something to make you realize where home is I don't know what is. From that point on day after day has been met with fun, wonder and opportunity... I even met Kevin on the first day of classes. This is home. And I'm learning to not get stuck on situations that feed the drama queen in me (it pisses me off to write that, but apparently it's there) I'm learning to be okay with cutting ties with mom. It's scary, but it's not the end of the world. I'll be okay.

But now I shall do laundry and eventually go get my car and then see Kevin and maybe even Kayla. I love my life and thank God everyday for it.

I won't step in line I'll release the glitch, but I can't fall asleep with a panic switch.

Resolutions and Chevelle

I should have known better than to think that being in West Palm for an extended time could result in me actually being satisfied and happy. Good thing I don't depend on that.

It was a good run actually until the day I was to finally meet with my mom (surprise surprise) I'll spare the boring details and just say that I have officially decided that my ultimate vulnerability is my family. And I don't have a clue as to how to deal with it, heal from it, or even approach it. Being around my family makes me feel like I'm on another planet (surprise surprise). And being around my mentor kinda reinforced the way I feel, and has proven that it seems as if only I have changed.... well everything about me except for my reactions to my family.

This year I would like to start addressing that aspect of my life. I know Lani would say to love them over there, but I don't know how or what to think while they are over there between now and the next time I return. Good healthy distance I suppose is necessary, but as I'm working on my walk with God and looking to Jesus as my example, the stages in between are like gauntlets in terms of dealing with my family problems. It's strange, but it has truly gone beyond the abuse. It has gone beyond the stolen money. It's gone beyond the fights, the drama, the tears, the hatred, the false closure... It seems to be more or less me simply putting up with mum... seeing my grandmother fluctuate drastically in her weight, listening to my uncle talking about the women he's raced through, never truly knowing what's going on within my family... never getting straight answers to simple questions.

If I am really sane... does this prove to be a form of insanity?

I'm considering one-on-one counseling again. Just to get my focus back, because whatever I'm doing spritually (I'm pretty sure I'm on the right track) is being blocked by something I'm not seeing or hearing... perhaps some angle I'm not figuring out... maybe something emotional I haven't caught wind of.

I've had a really ridiculous conversation with this guy that I swear I should have dated. Fate seemed to place every obstacle in the way of it, even now. I thought to myself, if situations were different and I wasn't a Christian (surprise surprise) and he asked me out, I'd say yes in a heart beat. It was really nerve wrecking. We talked until 4 in the morning my first night in West Palm and already casting away in my mind everything I had built myself up to be with the help of Christ I felt myself wanting to stay in this hell hole... with everyone else who seems to be stuck in it. It's amazing how any link to "happiness"... found in the world specifically, seems to be enough to make people stick in one place and never do anything, but wait for money to get better, or the home to get better before they can start reaching out to other people. I don't want to get stuck. I don't want this to be it. I just have to remember who my alliegence is to and what that means and above all where I'm going. It sure as hell is not what my family has accrued here in West Palm Beach.

This year I'm looking for more engagement with others, real sweet friendships, and honest to God help with what I feel with my family.

"Does anybody really see anything?
Does anybody really see anyone?"