How Then Shall (or Should) I ask?

I would normally attribute this to frustration and irritability with being premenstrual, but never in my life have I experienced what I have in the last three weeks. I've been annoyed with my church, I've been peeved at work and I've felt weak in my friendships. A long night of arguing about faith with a Jewish friend of mine has rendered me broken in talking to other friends about God. My lack of position t work and my position at work in and of it self has made me feel like a doormat used whenever someone else wants something their way. I'm tired of waking up early for something I don't wish to do. I'm tired of doing things I don't want to do because no one else want to do them. I'm tired of being put in a situation where I'm obligated to do things because I'm single and have no children. Some of this isn't real, but that doesn't take away the fact that I feel the way I do.

I don't know when it all started probably after "Date Week" [I spent 6 days in a row watching children so that families could go on dates for Valentines Day] But the steady frustration has been building. The tip of the ice berg was when I got the results of my doctor and dentist visits thwarting my goal to buy a car this year. I've been angry and quiet and intense ever since. I talked to Lani about it at prayer last Tuesday and I had to stick my neck out to not come off merely as a "20-something" that knew everything. Up to that point I had grown tired of the "trust God" and "put stuff at the altar" spiel. We got into the topic of asking, how to ask and what posture to take when asking. A few things got revealed to me in that conversation:

1) God will not be manipulated. Well duh. He's the King of the universe. Where this comes in for me is that I cannot ask God for things with the attitude of "well He's not going to do it anyway..." that's manipulation and is kind of the only way I know to respond. Which brings me to the next point.
2) My mother feels this way with any majorly important thing she wants. I've never watched my mother ask anyone for anything- not even God, who she claimed to believe. She did it all herself and to hell with anyone who got in the way.. Lani brought up the fact that though she asks for nothing she is utterly dependent and is entitle-oriented and thinks everyone owes her something including me.

Truth is that if I'm not careful and hard at work against this will be as crazy as she is.

So my problem is trusting- this weekend is one of the few opportunities I have to deal with my anger which has made me crazy. My first stop was All Saints. I got coffee and sat in the back porch area where I read a chapter in I Chronicles. I then moved to Galatians 3 and God called me out by verse 2.

"This only I want to learn from you: Did you receive the Spirit by works of the law, or by the hearing of faith?"

Well?

I had to dig back to when I first got saved. Why did I let God in? Because I wanted to follow rules? Nope! It was because I got fed up with not being happy with how my life was going. I recognized I didn't know what I was doing and I was apparently willing to give myself to God to achieve what I had seen in others- tranquility, calmness, sweetness among children and adults. I trusted God with me because deep down I knew it would change my life. I then thought of what God had done for me and the prayers I watched Him answer because He's answered many. He's answered my prayers regarding my character, regarding my personal sin, my attitude, my ways towards others. I've seen me change internally with prayer and faith that He would change me. 

But thinking of Him when when it came to external things was a different matter:

A) I hardly ever prayed for physical things.When I did they were either out of selfishness or flat out doubt.

B) Of the things I prayed for in doubt God answered them, but my heart and mind were never in a place to see them. Because they were not asked in faith I could not see the answered prayers as being nothing more than flukes.

This is the first time in my 3 2/3 years that I've really considered trusting God for stuff faithfully. Who knew it was this hard in real life? I know He loves me, but I want to *know* He loves me and I'm finally fitting in a posture to where I can receive some revelation of His love in faith rather than in doubt or out of some manipulative stance.

"[Am I] so foolish? Having begun in the Spirit [am I] now being made perfect by the flesh?"

Do I need to do everything myself? Since when have I?... Where did your heart fail? When did you feel alone in asking Me? When did I not provide for you? When have I not proven My love for you? Will I not do it again so long as you are Mine? Have you stopped being Mine? NO. So wait for Me. Ask Me and wait for Me. No more of this. If you want Me to show you I love you, wait. Ask and wait.