Getting What I Wanted

Sometimes it just sucks to think about being me.

I'm doing quite well. My health seems steady, classes are interesting, I'll be teaching at an elementary school this semester which I'm super excited about. And overall things are going exceptionally well. I finally got baptized on Sunday and it's only been a few days, but my relationship with God is so sweet and He has blessed many of my situations already.

Now for the icky stuff.

Last time I wrote about self issues that I took notice of and realized I needed to make sure that myself image shapes up. I had a conversation with a good friend of mine and it opened up a wound I was trying so hard to ignore and yesterday morning it hit me like a ton of bricks until I wrote it out:

"I am embarrassed at times for being a darker skinned female with afro hair because i go for men who are typically of opposite description and they often reject me for girls the opposite of me (typically white with long hair)"

After I wrote it down during class and read it over (I only had to troubles listed) I looked at it... decided it was retarded and was finally able to focus. I don't necessarily think I was ignoring the issue so much as just needing to get it out on paper so I could stop making it my primary focus. And of course it's dumb because it's not like I can suddenly become this fair skinned blond straight haired barbie doll. But I guess the ultimate question is if I could... would I?

Marshall breaking up with me... no.... cheating on me with another girl I think has just pushed up a lot of inner feelings I've had about myself that I've been trying to defeat. I know I shouldn't be harping on him or what he's done, but it's really hard when I semi-anticipate this happening EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Not simply being cheated on, but having a guy that I'm interested who is either a lighter complexion than I am or white just becoming disinterested in me for whatever reason and suddenly "falling in love" with a girl that is nothing like me two days later. It hurts, and it sucks. And dammit if I have to keep praying about attempting to not let it bother me... I will anyway, but I just wish it weren't an issue. I trust in God with all my heart and if things are in his will to be done, as long as I make the choices that are godly and wise things will turn out alright.... right now I just can't seem to completely overpower the heartache.

Ever since God plucked Marshall out of the way really amazing things have been happening. I have a job (or rather two), I'm teaching Russian to elementary school kids, I'm building a positive relationship with my German Department head who used to frighten me a lot (it was all in my head). And I've been comfortable in my own skin, seeing good friends, meeting some interesting people. I really do feel like Marshall was simply in the way. And when I saw him at the movies on Saturday night I was livid as hell. I wanted nothing more than to bash his head through the window he was sitting in front of. He couldn't even look at me. And I think what ultimately pissed me off is that he will NEVER apologize to me. I find myself in a constant personal battle: One day it'll be his fault for being a selfish, ignorant, asshole.. and the next day it'll be my fault for loving him so hard and pushing him away and constantly being upset with him for not being the boyfriend I wanted....

And with that I've had to become content with being single and not making a relationship my primary focus because every time I put my hands on something like that, it rots in the palms of my hands. I smile when my friends tell me of their adventures and desires for a partner, ranging from "I need some action" to "I'm ready for a ____friend now." It's cute. And it makes me wish I was where they were from time to time, because I've come to one very daunting surreal conclusion- I want to get married.

It's been one of those things that I can't fight anymore. I think of how I was when I was fooling around with guys and realized it wasn't working. I think of how much work and energy and love I put into being with Marshall... and I compare that to what my friends believe, and what Marshall used to say to me that always started arguments.... I am basically ready to be with someone for the rest of my life. And I should kinda take note that perhaps God, by taking out my distractions, by allowing me to love Him as much as I want, is preparing me for the very thing I've been ready for, for quite some time now. I'm sure He is okay with me being sad and heartbroken, it's hard not to be, but I feel like there is something in the works, and I have no idea what it is. I just have to be patient and trusting. Which is becoming easier by the day.

In other news, this kid that I know who is a friend of mine (he's older than I am, but he's still a kid to me) really set me off with a two day argument about the bible, God, and what I'm doing with it. I've decided that I have had lots of experiences and have plenty more to go in my life and there is NEVER a need to defend my faith, or the bible because they defend themselves. I've decided that I have no reason to listen to people who HAVE NEVER experienced... much of anything. Don't talk to me about my sex life if you've never had sex. Don't talk to me about managing money if you've never worked a day in your life. Don't talk to me about faith if you barely trust the very source from which your faith is derived. I know that I'll be faced with tough conversations throughout my life while being a Christian, but I'm surely going to pick and choose my battles and just not give a damn about what people feel the need to say about my faith personally. Because the bottom line is, they don't know anything. I just needed to get that out there because the next time it happens, I'll have to put my Christianity on the side and duke it out hard core. I don't enjoy fighting (verbally or physically) unless it's absolutely necessary. I'm asking people kindly to not make it necessary. Period.

Waking up early and getting to bed early is really amazing. Nothing good happens after 1 AM for me and waking up at 7:30AM helps me get things done.

Kabuto ga ni Kodai no Sakana

I'm not sure what it means, but it's the song I was listening to when I started this.

I'm in my dorm now and I really like the way it's turned out. I still have my German research paper to write, but I think I'll have it done by Saturday no later. This whole healing process has been pretty good. I'm not beating myself up, or letting the memories and thoughts trigger an emotional response. I've been spending time with friends and praying and being positive. That's really been helping. I'm really happy because I've talked to my friends about my new found Faith and they have been very sweet and supportive of me... not something I was expecting initially.

I'm looking forward to this fall and all the opportunities it has in store for me. I'm actually the least stressed out I've probably ever been in my whole life. I most certainly appreciate this peace, especially considering how I still don't have a fall schedule on top of other things that troubled me all summer. But I'm alright. It feels good to just be alright. I got my wisdom tooth out! No more summer tooth infections! The whole operation made me SOOOO glad I wasn't getting more then one out. I learned I'm not as tough as I think I am.... and that's okay too lol.

The only real battles I've been fighting personally have been the ones with myself (surprise surprise) with my esteem. The confidence is coming along rather nicely, but myself image goes up and down like a pulse reading image. Some times I feel super amazingly beautiful in all my plain and simpleness, and other times I go outside and see gorgeous girls that look nothing like me and feel defeated. It's a nasty battle and I feel like the only way I'm going to win this is if my steady rising confidence simply continues to rise... I figure eventually self comparisons won't be an issue. I think God is preparing me for something. I'm not sure what, but I think the way I see myself is going to play a little piece in it because it's been a faint yet persistent thought in my mind.

I think this is the first post I've made where there wasn't some intense or minor drama overwhelming my thought process. I like it a lot! I'm calm and collected for once. I know I'm a mess, but I'm alright with it and it's not taking me over. What else can I write about?

My baptism has been postponed to this Sunday! I'm still excited. And still nervous hehe. I'm making gumbo probably tonight for the first time on my own... and I have officially found myself reaching so I'll wait until next Thursday when things might seem more interesting :)

I feel good about everything... and though I may have ups and downs I know that this feeling will be my stasis from now on...

Trying

Phew.... wow.... ooops lol

I feel fantastic. I am a Christian officially. I have given my life to God and I can breathe ... finally.

Marshall was a mistake that I made just before I was about to make this decision. I realize now that this is what I always wanted. And Marshall was my excuse not to since we had had sex before the summer. I thought I enjoyed my sex life enough to let it slide.... And then he hurt me deeply enough for me to realize that I have nothing. I don't belong to myself, I've been taking care of myself so much for so long that I finally reached a point of just being tired. Tired of the pain, tired of the disappointment that I bring upon myself, tired of the people that I give my heart and soul to only for them to leave me the first chance they get.

I have chosen to give my heart to someone that will never leave me. He will not abandon me. I think of that and smile to the point of tears. He will carry the burden of my worries and problems so that I don't have to anymore. I realized that all I ever wanted to do was to love someone... Love someone with all my heart and soul and never have to question it. Marshall was the last human being for me to attempt this and failed... My own mother even failed to meet this need to let me love her without question... God is the only thing in my life that I can love so much with all of me and He. Will. Not. Leave.

Record timing in recovering from such a blow. It still stings a little, but I am so happy. I'm getting baptized this Sunday at someone's home. I'm excited, but I'm so scared... mostly of screwing up. But I was reassured that I will screw up so much in my life, but if I choose to walk with God like I intend then I will be met with twice as many blessings. I've got a lot to learn and I want to. I'm ready for a change. I just have to get my brain to get out of performance pressure mode and just live. A clean conscience and a freedom to be happy with my choices is what I'm after especially since I realize that I just wasn't happy.

At all.

Especially in my relationships.

I'm going to be alright. I've got to work and be diligent and just be myself. I'll be fine.

"Well let me be the first to say that I- don't have a clue. I don't have all the answers. In God I'll pretend like I do, Just trying- to find my way... Just trying to find my way- the best that I know how."

Hot Flash

HE WAS CHEATING ON ME THE WHOLE TIME. I JUST FOUND OUT YESTERDAY MORNING (August 11/12) I AM ANGRY HURT SAD GRATEFUL AND JUST PLAIN PISSED. I LOVED HIM WITH ALL MY HEART AND HE BETRAYED MY TRUST.... I'M SO DISGUSTED I CAN BARELY KEEP FROM CRYING SOMETIMES... But... God loves me.

So to everyone who was wondering if Marshall would be able to make up for the crummy summer time that we've been having... Yes, yes he did.

Yesterday, August 5th was my 20th birthday. Marshall came by pretty late in the afternoon, but I went with him to his new apartment complex, we went to visit our friends' new house, then went to a very nice dinner at a place called Cypress. I really made myself look silly from time to time. I'm not the super sophisticated refined type, I don't go out to super nice restaurants very often so i felt kind of embarassed when he'd call me out on goofy things I was doing. And he made me so nervous! ugh! I never get all shy and bashful around people, especially him! I don't know why I get that way. Then after that we went to see this movie Funny People but not before randomly going for a walk around the mall area. During the movie (which I thought was pretty good) I started getting really hot, like I couldn't even sit close to Marshall anymore because I felt like I was on fire. On the way back to our friends house he had the air on full blast, and the windows down and I was still super hot. He said I was having hot flashes jokingly, but I knew he was getting worried. I didn't know what was going on and so I decided to have water and take a shower at Gresko and Strouss'. It really helped and for about 10 minutes me and Marshall just sat and watched TV until he decided it was time for him to go home. When he dropped me off we quarreled for a bit like we always do, but right before I got out of the car we kissed... and it reminded me of everything I felt before the summer and how real it was.

And despite all this I'm still worried about us. Maybe it's just me missing him and being afraid that he'll change his mind about me. Maybe it's my irrationality making up things in my head and assuming that this separation made him do things that he would never admit to me... But at dinner he told me about his ventures with his female friends I think I asked him if he did anything questionable, and he asked "How nervous should I make you?" and I asked "How nervous should I be?" his response? "Not at all." I know he's attractive and I know he's got a tons of girl-friends is it not natural to be jealous? Or concerned? I kinda wish I'd get over being so nervous about everything with us. He's with me, he wants me, and I just can't seem to realize it.

He held my hand the first chance he got when I got in his car, and everything in his car reminded me of everything I missed about him when he first left for Crestview. I think I'm so tainted with the last year of things going so wrong I'm just really afraid that he's going to change his mind, or express the exact same affections toward someone else. I need to give him more credit. And overall I need to relax. He's wonderful and I appreciate him. It started out weird, but I think we're going to be alright. I just miss him so much.

I had to make myself not tell him that I love him last night. It was really hard.