A common problem that I've encountered in my life is what I call giving people titles and roles in my life which they don't deserve. I've done it throughout high school, pulled it off a lot in college, but I think I've gotten better at being realistic- which by the way does NOT equal leaning toward pessimism and "end of the world syndrome"
So I fell into the cycle with Truelove again (let me just say that I really cannot STAND that every time I blog, a guy of interest is mentioned. It drives me nuts!) But basically it was in that gray space phase, until I once again just couldn't deal with it. Gray space. You might have remembered this from Musca in my post "living with the gray." Well I finally have a proper understanding of what that is. Essentially it's having all the benefits of a caring relationship (minus sex, of course, in my case) and exclusivity without actually defining the situation as being a relationship. If someone were to ask you "So are you and so and so a thing now?" the answer in gray space is quite literally "I don't know" not "It's complicated." because it's not. So yeah third time is a charm, but it whipped around to the same conclusions. We are so fundamentally different that it would just not work. So now I'm kinda miffed because, during this time in my life he knows the absolute most about me except for a few people in my church. He knows about my medical issues, about my stress with teaching and the GRE, and about my hobbies, life goals, and how ridiculously stubborn I am. We connected on a bunch of really important levels which as a friend makes him pretty valuable to me. But apparently he can't see himself hanging out with me without noting the attraction between us (which is kind of BS), and he's given himself to the idea that he should just cut off all communication. Perfect. I don't care, anymore. I'm so sick of being left out to dry because someone just doesn't know how to control themselves, or make compromises to preserve the key aspects of friendships (in this case it's not like I'm not willing to get over my own attraction to be a good friend to him. I've done it before.) But now, I've had it. Because, you see, I'm tired. Probably just as tired as you are reading about dramatic encounters with men.
I'm tired of putting effort into things that just don't seem worth it to people.
And it doesn't merely end with relationship stuff with men. This level of apathy is seeping into my long time friendships too. Every day I seem to look up and find myself with less people to call and talk about things with. Or the people I would normally call are just way too busy. I find myself demoting people I'm close to in my own mind. Which in reality is kind of ridiculous. They probably shouldn't have had such a status in my own mind in the first place. People are people. There are some you show more respect to than others in regards to authority, there are some you are more comfortable with personally, but at the base level of it all people are people. Not all "Christians" are Christians, and not all people are who they claim they are. Moreover, there are very very very few people- like count them one hand few people- are your close/best friends. And it might actually be fewer than that. The fake is getting to me. The reality is hitting pretty hard. As far as I'm concerned I've reached a new level of feeling lonely. But it's the kind of lonely you get when you stop deceiving yourself, when you're walking with God and you aren't allowed to hold a case or grudges or any of that.
Perhaps this is a case of being a Woman of God in the world with soooooo many people of the world.
I'm finally just not caring anymore.
"Good time to roll on,
Good time to roll on,
Good time to roll on,
Good time to roll on..."
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