Monday, September 19, 2011

With Every Start

So I'm reading this book called "The Joy of Being a Woman" by Ingrid Trobisch and I've been learning a lot about myself. The book is a bit dated, but I've read passages and proceeded to shout 'That's what that is?!" or "That's why I do that!" It's been really good for me. It makes my female-ness less of a mystery and helps me feel like I can be normal as a woman.

The best part is paying close attention to my behavior and thoughts when I'm going through a hard time and realizing "I'm premenstrual!" In previous posts I've mentioned how much I hate attributing my feeling bad to me being hormonal. It's taken some time but I've realized that if I turn down my drama-o-meter consistently and look at my calendar it's usually the case... and it's okay that it's the case.

I've given myself a really hard time whenever I trip up mentally or spiritually, but most of the time I just need to give myself a break, because I'm not being nearly as awful as I've made myself out to be. Whenever I'm hormonal I find myself truly believing that my faith is ripping to shreds and that I'm failing God with every step I take. Then in two or three days something amazing happens and I have spiritual break through with someone and I get to share Truth and the Word. It's a consistent pattern that I seem to forget about a lot.

So for the women out there who go through this strange spiritual depression where they feel as if they are going to screw up and fall away from God in a day or in the next hour- seriously consider your hormonal calendar. Men may call us unpredictable, but we can usually and correctly contribute mental mood shifts to our bodies doing what they do best (baby making prep!)

I've been trying to douse myself in the word of God whenever I start feeling this way. My fear of falling away makes me work twice as hard, which I think is kind of funny.

If you love the Lord with all your heart, you'll be hard pressed to stray.

I found myself admitting to Him this morning rather painfully that if I were tempted sexually and I had to choose between Him and the temptation I would not choose Him.

A few things I came to understand in that conversation with Him:
1) I am a sinner. There is a reason why the prophets and disciples and Jesus Himself tell us to stay in the light- don't get caught up with those who do not believe and love the King. No matter how righteous we think we are, given the circumstances we can be made weak and falter.

2) If you are in a deep relationship with God and He knows you, He WILL NOT let you fall. You had better believe if you fear the Lord He'll snatch you up and convict you. It's your choice whether you give an ear and heed your conscience. The Holy Spirit is your guide and God will be very clear in His will. God is God - if you are slipping up, He has the power and sovereignty to get you out whether you like it or not. Be faithful, He's forever faithful.

3) Healing is something that happens in time. Never will I condone sin or make excuses for it. The Lord does, however, know your heart and knows it that much more if you are communicating with Him. He knows where you're struggling, He knows where you are hurting and where you fall over and over. He hears you and wants to help you. He will pick you up and give you the strength to try again to be right in your repentance whether you only need to repent once or repent 1000 times. He sees your effort and where you are and if you are sincere honesty and loving Him, He will provide grace. Don't worry. There is no condemnation in the Holy Spirit. Only conviction. If you have a pit fall be strong, for He is with you always in everything.


Sometimes when I write I get healed and comforted. This has been one of those posts where I write about the truth even though right before writing it out I actually don't believe it. It's nice to know that God is speaking to me through so many things... including myself.

"Stars! Hide your fires! These here are my desires and I won't give them up to you this time around. So! I'll be found with this stake stuck in this ground- marking the territory of this newly impassioned soul!"

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