The Bigger Person

I'm always interested when I find that the things I help others with spiritually are the very issues that I look into deeply after the conversation is done or the issues that I dealt with just before talking to them about it. It's so sweet to watch the way my words make someone smile or remain quiet... it let's me know that it's getting through... and it's not me who's getting through, but the very power that gave me words to begin with.

Anyway.

HOLY COW, man! Everyone I know is dating someone! It's the craziest thing lol. Everyone I know personally is dating someone. And it seems like the "cuddle weather" has made it's way to everyone. Apparently I'm handling all this pretty well. Probably because my mom was in town and all kinds of ugly emotions and stuff came up... I shouldn't be surprised I suppose I can never be around her without SOMETHING going wrong.

I described it to Lani as "It's like when we're around each other it's a truck hitting a brick wall." All hell breaks loose and some type of drama occurs in different variations. This time Aigo (our dog/oldest pit) and Diamond (neighbors dog/younger rotweiler) fought and Aigo killed Diamond. Now mum has to put Aigo to sleep. She found all this out after our church service at Ryan and Rachel's and.... ugh. She howled... she didn't jut cry she was in so much pain she howled outside on Sunday morning. And it's because the dogs are all she has and now that she's lost two of them essentially she's frustrated and heartbroken.

And then there is my non-sympathetic logical side that's like, well it was going to happen anyway and I feel completely embarrassed. And embarrassment really is my natural response to my mother when she's around other people I know. And it's because... because I'm smarter than she is. And she's a lot dumber than I ever thought she was. Lani says it's because there is a time in people's lives when they just checkout... They decide that at a point they'll just stop and reading books, critical thinking and difficult problem solving just stop and that's where people will remain for the rest of their lives. And they'll spend their time just going to work and sitting in front of the TV... or watching movies. He also explained that my moms mentality is something that's been around since probably before I was born... otherwise "[I] wouldn't have been touched. [I] would have been protected."

So now I'm just stuck. I understand that my mother isn't stupid... just ignorant. And I understand that I will always have to be the adult in situations, but I guess I'm struggling with the fact that I don't WANT to be the bigger person every time. I want to be loved on, I want motherly love and protection that I can't give myself. Growing up was so fucked up without any real guidance or intelligent input from my biological family I've had to do it on my own. It's kind of unfair.

But I guess that's what God is here for... it's the reason He's been here from the beginning and will be until the end. And I need to allow him to heal the parts in which my mom couldn't fulfill and love others, even my own children, the way that others hadn't loved me for a vast portion of my life. I suppose this is a more important lesson than how to fix my ideas on my non-existent love life. I'm becoming content with not being smooched on I guess. And seeing other people happy... makes me happy for them. Even if I don't know every situation it's nice to assume the best in people.

"Thread it to forget it, to feel like you've already gone to the rest of the life that you've got. Tie the loose ends, bury it all away, just like this... Just like this"