Fucking Head Phones

I stepped on them about half an hour ago, and I tried to fix them but gave up and decided to throw them out. They reminded me of Marshall anyway so whatever.

I want to scream, am I allowed to scream? GOD PLEASE LET ME SCREAM.

I need to clean my room, I need to do my economics homework, I need to GET THE FUCK OVER MARSHALL FOR GOOD. I saw him the night before Halloween with the girl he left me for. He seems happy enough. And of course all of my esteem issues multiplied. I was even nice to him... until I said:

"I can understand if you're not going to apologize to me, but the offer to be friends is still there... and I feel better telling you that in person."

I am the WORST liar. I'm still sad and heartbroken and pissed off. I still haven't forgiven him for not being a man about the whole situation and telling me to my face rather than come on my birthday to make himself feel less like shit at the end of the day. Ugh. I saw him again yesterday in his car. He drives like shit and his car is awful. But I bet he's really fuckin happy now that he and his "LOVE" are hanging out more often.

I feel terrible. Every single time something hasn't worked out with a guy it's been my fault. I just want to know what's wrong with me already. When will a man find me worth pursuing. Why am I the root of all of these relationship things falling apart. I'm just so tired. And sick... and tired of not being pretty enough, not being smart enough, not being laid back enough, not being whatever enough to be what someone wants. I give my all and I get it handed right back to me with foot prints and spit all over it. WHEN WILL I EVER BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR SOMEONE.

And then I have people tell me I'm too good for whoever has broken my heart. Well it sure as hell doesn't feel like it. Speaking of people telling me things, I am actually not totally okay with people laughing at my problems when they are fairly serious to me, I'm not okay with being told I'm young and inexperienced by people who aren't so that's why I'm having the problems I have, because you know, that really fucking helps me get over whatever problem I have. I'm glad asking EFM if he would consider a relationship with me had to be the final step to overcome my issue instead of just being told to pray about it and that I'll get over it. I'm happy your marriages and relationships are so wonderful and that you don't have to worry about stuff like that anymore. Your words are kindly appreciated. And by the way he said he prefers that we be friends.

Also I'm kinda wearing thin. I love my friends, but it's really hard being the one who has to reach out all the time. My Christian friends are honestly the main people who most frequently text me and invite me to hang out with them and the only ones really who open their arms and have time for me. And their are some friendships I have with people who aren't that are really just starting to aggravate me and make me give up. I don't want to lose patience. I want to love people and be their for them, but I guess the selfish part of me wants the same love in return... but it's not something I can expect from people with different concepts of life than I do.

I hate feeling afraid to talk to people because I run the risk of sounding like a whiny twenty something brat. Why can't I just fucking blow off some steam and be pissed off without someone telling me I have no right to be? (because 9 times out of 10 I don't? I really can't vouch for that) Am I not allowed to cut people off when they've crossed a very serious line? When they've effortlessly abuse my kindness? When they insist that I'm a fucking doormat? What do I do? What can I do? I just want to walk away from a few things and not feel convicted... will I feel convicted? If I'm not then should I be? UGH

I want to scream. Can I scream? God please let me scream..... but I won't.

Oh and mom.... I didn't even WANT to get started on that. Mother dearest is coming up soon in a couple of weeks. And guess what?! She's dating JD again! :D Isn't that fucking exciting!? And you want to know why? Even after she claimed that she was done and over it. After we talked about her and her relationship with God... Want to know why she chose to take him back? - because she decided to "let go, and let God" with that came the thinking that if something were to ever happen to her, I'd be in school and she'd only have Grandma and Grandpa. She and JD talked and it made sense for her to be with him.... so what the fuck am I? Just this ultimately selfish person... her only daughter who would never dream of taking time out of her life to take care of her? For fuck sake did I leave that kind of impression on her? Does she not trust me to be there for her in her time of greatest need? She'd trust someone whose cheated on her and been imprisoned a number of times over me? What fucking planet am i on? Obviously where I stand in her life hasn't changed that much since I was six. There will always be someone higher than me in her life... there always has been. I should be used to it by now, but apparently I'm not.

There something interesting posted. Maybe I'll look back on this and realize how fucking petty and annoying I sound... before someone else gets to tell me.

I want to scream, can I scream? God please please please let me scream... but I won't.