With a Panic....

Goofy songs get stuck in my head.

Sooo. I'm seeing someone. Yep. There is someone in my life right now that I like a lot that's made me shut up about being single and unworthy of dating (although the latter thought was short lived,) Oh and guess what! He's not a douche bag!!! I WIN!!!... okay I'm done. He's great, he likes movies, he's super tall (I tell everyone this because it's probably one of my favorite things about him) and he writes the most thoughtful cute.....MUSHY awesome letters ever. (That's right, letter writing was involved! :D ) His name is Kevin.

For the first time in the last few years I have found someone I'm interested in that I'm not simply settling for. I'm not acting desprately, I'm relaxed, calm and "not clingy??" I don't know, but it's definitely a nice change in pace. He's not a Christian, but he's not a God hating atheist either. I don't intend on molding him or shaping anything he believes, but of course I think everyone needs Jesus lol I'll be surprised as to what God does with his life. I'm really excited about my chance to excercise my values in a relationship of sorts. So far so good.

My mother and I aren't talking. The end of the last visit made me realize that she swims deep in drama that she creates herself. She was pretty rude to me on the last day I was in West Palm even though she claimed to want to see me. I really have had enough of her attitude and her unwarranted jealousy and her hypocritical actions in her Christian life. All I can do is forgive her (which I'm not sure if I have yet) and pray for her. LJF struck some pretty annoying chords in my last few days in West Palm as well. Between them both I feel as if I am an inconvenience. Asking LJ for a ride to see my mother was like pulling teeth. Getting my mom to be patient when LJ and I were at an event was like listening to a 2 year old scream about not being able to have a cookie (and then when she gets it she bitches about it and doesn't even eat the damned thing). It was really frustrating and made me just not want to depend on either one of them. And now I'm coming to terms with the fact that I can't. The two most important women in my life are so wrapped up in their lives and what they want and what works for them that I can't even get a real hug. "I love you" is an obligatory statement. Arguments or disagreements are met with either a fake smile in the end with advice to ignore the problem or simple silence with no resolve...

I hate going "home."

But I come back to Tallahasee and Lani meets me. I get a big hug and am met with good news that he waits to tell me until he starts making tea for us both. Apparently I have a car... and I'm picking it up today after a week or so of waiting. If that isn't something to make you realize where home is I don't know what is. From that point on day after day has been met with fun, wonder and opportunity... I even met Kevin on the first day of classes. This is home. And I'm learning to not get stuck on situations that feed the drama queen in me (it pisses me off to write that, but apparently it's there) I'm learning to be okay with cutting ties with mom. It's scary, but it's not the end of the world. I'll be okay.

But now I shall do laundry and eventually go get my car and then see Kevin and maybe even Kayla. I love my life and thank God everyday for it.

I won't step in line I'll release the glitch, but I can't fall asleep with a panic switch.