Resolutions and Chevelle

I should have known better than to think that being in West Palm for an extended time could result in me actually being satisfied and happy. Good thing I don't depend on that.

It was a good run actually until the day I was to finally meet with my mom (surprise surprise) I'll spare the boring details and just say that I have officially decided that my ultimate vulnerability is my family. And I don't have a clue as to how to deal with it, heal from it, or even approach it. Being around my family makes me feel like I'm on another planet (surprise surprise). And being around my mentor kinda reinforced the way I feel, and has proven that it seems as if only I have changed.... well everything about me except for my reactions to my family.

This year I would like to start addressing that aspect of my life. I know Lani would say to love them over there, but I don't know how or what to think while they are over there between now and the next time I return. Good healthy distance I suppose is necessary, but as I'm working on my walk with God and looking to Jesus as my example, the stages in between are like gauntlets in terms of dealing with my family problems. It's strange, but it has truly gone beyond the abuse. It has gone beyond the stolen money. It's gone beyond the fights, the drama, the tears, the hatred, the false closure... It seems to be more or less me simply putting up with mum... seeing my grandmother fluctuate drastically in her weight, listening to my uncle talking about the women he's raced through, never truly knowing what's going on within my family... never getting straight answers to simple questions.

If I am really sane... does this prove to be a form of insanity?

I'm considering one-on-one counseling again. Just to get my focus back, because whatever I'm doing spritually (I'm pretty sure I'm on the right track) is being blocked by something I'm not seeing or hearing... perhaps some angle I'm not figuring out... maybe something emotional I haven't caught wind of.

I've had a really ridiculous conversation with this guy that I swear I should have dated. Fate seemed to place every obstacle in the way of it, even now. I thought to myself, if situations were different and I wasn't a Christian (surprise surprise) and he asked me out, I'd say yes in a heart beat. It was really nerve wrecking. We talked until 4 in the morning my first night in West Palm and already casting away in my mind everything I had built myself up to be with the help of Christ I felt myself wanting to stay in this hell hole... with everyone else who seems to be stuck in it. It's amazing how any link to "happiness"... found in the world specifically, seems to be enough to make people stick in one place and never do anything, but wait for money to get better, or the home to get better before they can start reaching out to other people. I don't want to get stuck. I don't want this to be it. I just have to remember who my alliegence is to and what that means and above all where I'm going. It sure as hell is not what my family has accrued here in West Palm Beach.

This year I'm looking for more engagement with others, real sweet friendships, and honest to God help with what I feel with my family.

"Does anybody really see anything?
Does anybody really see anyone?"