There are lots of things people must heal and go through in life. My question to the God I'm understanding and loving is WHY did it have to be sexual issues? WHY did it have to be issues with men in relationships? WHY do I have to have a fight or flight response when it comes to guys I'm interested in? WHY do I get insecure? WHY can't I just relax? People ask me that as if I can actually achieve anything positive on my own.
Of all things to have a fucking problem with WHY did it have to be this?
Musca told me and I quote:
"I used to be like you.
I wanted black and white
couldn't handle grey.
Lost the best woman I've ever met because of that.
Live in the grey for a bit. It's not that bad. Unless you have nothing else going on.
I'm gonna go to sleep now.
Apparently that's where my desire to relax and let things be disintegrates. There is a level of grey are I can't deal with apparently. I have to know how things are and how they must be and I can't relax. Either a guy is interested in me or he isn't. Either I can talk to him just about whenever or I can't. Either they better tell me the truth or not speak to me... the last one has bit me in the ass because when they choose not to speak I flip shit because lack of closure is where I snap back into "mother/daughter" phase. The phase where I blame myself for everything and allow for any and every bit of manipulation to take place. Where I trap or get trapped in the very thing I'm longing to get away from because I don't know how to get out...
I kept running it through my head. About how much I'm a screw up in situations with guys. How much I push and push the limit with talking to them like I'm purposely sabotaging the whole situation. Kay says that it's really the one area I'm weakest in. She says that it's insecurity basically because I've been hurt so much by men in my life whether they've been present or not. She told me that I've gone through so much and have grown and have been strong through so much and that I'll come through this too. I want to believe that.
I wish I could just stop wanting to be with someone. And stop meeting people that I'm attracted to. It sucks because I try so hard not to get hopeful, that I get hopeful and end up feeling like a dolt by the end. I don't want to think about it. I'm sick of crying before, in or out of a relationship. I'm sick of crying when I'm not even staring down to a relationship. It's fucking aggravating. It makes me hate myself. All of my experiences from my abuse to my last relationship have just rendered me so tired- tired of myself and tired of wanting something that I can't seem approach properly.
I want to live with the grey in peace.
OR... I can listen to the woman in my life that told me that when a guy who loves God is interested in you it will be clear and he won't ask you to "go with the flow." Another aspect to this is to realize that what he told me was blatant manipulation. He's asking me to just sit there and wait until something happens and in the end it's rude and kind of disrespectful. The woman I talked to said to me that a man who expects you to sit in a grey area knows that you may have baggage and stuff you're going through and isn't willing to deal with it and love you as you need to be. She said that a man that is interested in me will see that I need things in black and white and will be very clear and willing to walk with me through my learning and healing stuff. I fell into my "mother/daughter phase" without even trying. Manipulation is the name of the game apparently. There is a truth about love and relationships that I don't know... I'm half determined to find it, but not through trial and error. I might be able to just shut the case for Musca down now.... thank you CK.
Kay also told me something very strange that I hadn't been able to sort out. She says that I seem to have a hard time loving myself. I can love other people, but the reason relationship stuff is difficult for me is because I'm not very good at loving myself. I cried even more at the thought!
Have I really spent so much time loving other people I've left myself out of the equation? Am I equating myself loving other people as loving myself? I feel like I'm doing something ridiculously wrong by even considering what "loving myself" is. I haven't talked to anyone about it, but I probably should. How do I love myself without turning away from God? I understand what having dignity and self respect are. I know what I'm worth. I have an idea on how to act like it.... but to love myself.... I missed that memo I guess. I could start with being nice to myself I suppose. Cutting myself some slack on things that I end up doing in his pathetic relationship cycle I place myself in.
I want my appetite back now...
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