Fast

OOOOooooOOOO! It's a Thursday! In a new month! w00t! Today was interesting. There was a boy! (surprise surprise) And it was actually a second chance to do things correctly.... A coincidence is that it took 3 weeks for things to settle in (and for me to accept thoroughly the fact that it was going to work out) beginning from my first day of classes.

His name is Truelove and he was one of my pre-Jesus messes that I really wished I could have gone differently. This time around it was because sex was going to be excluded from the relationship... and he could see himself being unhappy about it from the beginning. I fought with him about it, but he wasn't going to budge (... nor was I) and eventually it ended awkwardly. Mostly because we were flirting a lot over the past three weeks. Kind of disgusting in hindsight. Apparently though he flirted the absolute most with me he would flirt consistently with other girls too. I guess I think that's just gross and disrespectful. Why would I be okay with a guy holding a girl the same way he holds me? I may not be worth it to him, but I KNOW I'm worth it period, so I'll get over any little emotional investment I might have brought in with the prospect of us going out. *sigh* Single for longer, but at least this crap is over now. Finding a man that's the total package is harder than I anticipated haha.

The over all encompassing theme of the day was fasting. I only told Truelove because he asked me what was going on with me today. It was hard, but it was very amazing. I tried to fast before and it didn't go very well.... probably because I wasn't sincere in my prayer and what I wanted to see change. I was fasting for:

1. Our churches retreat that we're having in two weeks.

2. That Truelove would make the best decision and that I would overall be okay with his decision especially if it is one that I didn't totally enjoy. (which is what I expected and DID happen)

3. For the Quran Burning events and that God would intervene on the situation.

2 and 3 went exactly as they should although 2 was pretty painful in the middle of it. Being told that because you won't provide sex in a relationship that it's not worth trying is kind of hard to swallow gracefully. I just hope he gets put in the friend zone quickly so that I can try and be better friends with his roommate Meghan who I really liked when I met her, but I'm mentally preparing for that to not go very well. Politics of friendships sucks.

Fasting overall taught me two things

1. I can do it. I need to be sincere and honest about my intentions and devote myself to it. Telling your body "no" as you anticipate french fries and a burger after your class is no easy task, but it can be done. I really got to see the root of the issues I was dealing with.

2. I can't do anything without God. I fought for Truelove and was pretty adamant about it. And that could have gone really bad if he had decided to change his mind and try it. God kept me up and by keeping TL honest it kept me from making this giant mistake that I seemed to want so desperately.

I wish I could handle myself better with these situations. Men are so stinkin complicated. I don't want to join a youth ministry on campus because I feel like I'd be shopping.... What a horrible concept! But a very true one haha. I'll get it right eventually. And it will hopefully take less than 3 weeks for me to get the picture that stuff with guys that aren't in line with Jesus just won't work. I need to stop letting the guys dictate what's going on (unless they're right) and then make them stick to their guns in every regard. Tough lessons. I'm glad I didn't make this known to a ton of people. Definitely blew up in my face.

Jesus is so amazing. He makes me so resilient.

"And I lay my head back down, and I lift my hands and pray to be only Yours. I pray to be only Yours; I know now You're my only hope..."