Thursday 23rd
I went to class and hung out with people in between my (now) two classes; I dropped my Russian class that had successfully overworked me. I went and picked up Jacob and we drove back to my house after a run to publix. Just before that I got a text from Brandon about getting a ride with him his wife and best of all their son Aiden! I don't think I felt that randomly excited about seeing a baby before. Maybe it was because I had been wanting to text them and ask how he was doing since last I heard he wasn't feeling so great. Well upon going home I packed my junk and drove over to Brandon and Betsy's house to park my car (my window on the driver side won't go up the inch and half it needs to be sealed from the rain >.<) We didn't leave til a bit late since I was craving a burger. While we were driving I dug myself into a stupid text conversation with Truelove, and then eventually tried to fall asleep... And Aiden had gotten hungry. We stopped at two gas stations (the first was closed) to try to give him warm food. Among all this (because he cried for more than half the trip) I found myself being woken out of dead sleep a few times, but although I could feel a hint of agitation building up somewhere in me, it was consistently overwhelmed by this sense of duty... Duty to Aiden that is. I tried to comfort him as best I could while he was strapped into his seat and many times I was so tempted to take him out, but thought better of it (for obvious reasons). I think what makes this such a big deal is that I couldn't recognize where I got that ability to pick-up this understanding of loving someone so much because I had no choice if I actually wanted to make them happy. Not even having boyfriends could get that kind of true love and duty out of me. God surprises me with myself. We get there and I'm roomed with Emily and Amanda and I just want to sleep. It finally happens with some tuning out with my mp3 player. Then at 1AM we all get moved to another room because we were in the wrong one! lol Good times. It was the best sleep I had in a long time because I was just so worn out!
Friday 24th
8AM Breakfast
9AM Devotional Time
10AM Worship Service
12PM Lunch
1PM Nap
2PM Fooseball, but no one was there! *sad face* I just wandered around and hung out with people in the Nursery. (Maybe I like babies more than I thought)
4PM Planning Project, I thought I'd be stressed out about this project because that's how I normally get when I go out of town when something is due. But nope no pressure... in fact I learned something about myself.
It came up while listening to Brandon Heath's song Trust You. It was like the song was telling on me and I started to cry. Mainly in regards to the whole Truelove thing. I realized that the main reason that I was (and might still be) hooked on this guy was because of the intense connection that I have with him because we had had sex. Even if it was over a year ago, even if it was a short lived fling, the emotional, physical, mental and spiritual connection I have to him still existed. And by trying to rid myself of it and get over that on my own I was sinning against God. Sex is a creation that He deemed to be a certain way for me to enjoy that includes the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual connecting to someone; and to think that I could somehow sever those ties that I created because I had abused such a gift in my past is ridiculous. I kept asking God to help me break myself of those ties when in reality He is the only one that can sever and heal that part of my life. By trying to force myself out of a connection with Truelove I had only given myself to the problem and focused my energy on controlling something I have no control over. And I repented then and there. Then Leah came in and offered me peanut butter and nutella sandwiches. I had thought she told me to meet her somewhere else and I wandered around the camp for a long while looking for her, only to discover after about 15 minutes that she was in my room the whole time.
6PM Dinner
7-9PM I watched babies in the Nursery with Lara. Again babies! lol But it was fun hanging out with William and Sam and watching them play and consoling Noah who was horrendously upset! The girls faired rather well though. Elizabeth, Lara's daughter, and Eliana, Allie were pretty good not being around their parents. Aiden was good once he had some toys that caught his interest. I ended that sitting session consoling Taylor who crying in her crib and it was really cool having her fall asleep in my arms even if it only lasted for about 2 minutes. She was nestled into my chest and was so still and content. I guess I never thought of myself as much of a good maternal figure (in my own mind ha!)
9-10PM I went to the campfire and had s'more around the camp fire. Devin picked on me about my umbrella not opening and Angel tried to help me get it open. Pretty funny endeavor. Then I had hoped to go to bed, but I hung out with Sally and talked to her about current events. I hope that she knew that I was listening. I was so tired that my posture wasn't great, but watching her hoola hoop in a crowded room was pretty cool.
Saturday 25th
8AM Breakfast
9AM Devotional Time (which wasn't much of one because of older ladies talking about Yoga and the camps history, and then little kids storming the next place I sat at with Mike sitting at the other end of the building. then I went to the chapel and hung out waiting for the 10AM meeting and listened to Heather practice for worship. She's awesome. I love her voice.
10AM Morning Meeting with Raymond
12PM Lunch Where i talked to Abraham, Jerusha and Martin's son.
1PM-4PM Played a half game of fooseball since it was happening earlier than expected. I'm still thinking of playing soccer this year. I need to get back into running once I get better shoes. Then I changed into my swim shorts, borrowed from Brent, and went out to the lake. And some how I ended up going with Amanda, Hannah, Mariah, Addie, and Jason on a boat for tubing. I was the last one to go because I had never gone before and was a little worried, but it turned out to be so much fun! The boat drivers name was Kyle. Then I hung out and waded around in the lake with all those out there. Josh and I got into a water tossing match that was fun. I hung out with Christi who enjoyed having the weight of the twins off of her just a little while. Then I walked toward my dorm, but stopped to talk to Alicia, Kim and Renee while Kim was getting Eliana ready for the lake. Then Jacob came up with the golf cart and I convinced him to take me to my dorm since I didn't have my shoes near me. I went back to my room showered and worked on my project a little more.
6PM Dinner
7PM Evening Meeting; Sally wrote a song from Psalm 52 and performed it with Christine and Jamie.
9-11PM Again I wanted to go to bed early, but not when you're bunking with a ton o' girls! I listened to Emily receive some tooth brushing and flossing advice, and I think in my own insecurity and preconceived notions I laughed it off, maybe harder than I needed to. Something I'll have to look at my heart at with God and sift through. Then Emily, Sally and I had a sweet time hanging out with Jerusha who is truly amazing. She is a woman of God and someone to be respected. She talked to us about personal girl and guy things that were very useful and helpful. And she encouraged Emily with her fiancée who is recently a man of God himself. Then she was informed about Michaela and Kurt being engaged and explaining why Lindsey hadn't come to the retreat too! Lots of wisdom was shared from her that night. It was sweet. Then afterwards Jamie and Amanda had come back and we all went to bad, but not before hearing Jamie's your mom jokes aimed at Emily and giggling like school girls for about an hour.
Sunday 26th
8AM Breakfast
9AM Genesis and Abraham got baptized! Praise God! It was amazing. Watching their father was in tears while in prayer afterward, it was a glorious thing to see. It made me think of when I got baptized. It's really awesome to watch someone announce to the world that they are choosing to walk with Jesus.
10AM Meeting; The kids put on a great performance lead by Molly. Favorite line, taken out of context, but it truly was like a drink to my soul:
"We were created for God to get to know and enjoy us and God created us for us to love and enjoy Him." This may be a paraphrase, but I'll fix it once I get it right. I felt this amazing wave of joy and relief fall over me.
12PM Lunch
So here are some things I came away with:
1) I'm much more quiet than normal; I don't know what that's a product of. I described it to Aaron before as all the stuff that I learned is coming through and entering into me like water through a Brita filter. Nothing is being filtered out per se, all the messages are just sinking in slowly
2) Internet and phone usage has dropped tremendously. It's nice to say I'll only be on Facebook for 10 minutes and be done in four. Or not check my phone ever 2 minutes even when no one has called me. I feel less like a slave to those things.
3) I pray more. I hadn't realized how much talking to God I don't do. I need to be talking to Him about everything, and normally if I'm not talking to Him about something I'm probably being negligent or trying to control it. He's got my back. It's nice for me to act like it.
4) I'm feeling more adult. Or at least a bit more... more of something that I have a poor amount of language knowledge to explain. It's nice though. On top of not worrying about anything.
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