Anxiety. Pop-quiz style anxiety. A number of things could be triggering it so it's not something that can have an easily pin-pointed solution. Right now for me it could either be going to West Palm for 2 or 3 nights, or applying to graduate schools and feeling inadequate because of my current GRE score, or my failure at handling situations with people in church, or my failure at cleaning the bathroom for months. It's so annoying because I KNOW that none of these things matter. I KNOW that none of these things are nearly as large as my mind is currently making them out to be. And yet some how they get inflated. Disgustingly inflated. The advice I hear about these things is simple: Pray, give it to God, confront the person with whom the issue is with, be the bigger person, be sweet, and/or run to God.
Do you ever feel like you've either done it so little or so much you forget what that looks like? It boggles my mind because I've experienced the results of handling all types of things in the ways aforementioned and somehow... somehow I just.... forget. I have to wonder if I'm doing something wrong, if there is a pattern I'm seeking out that doesn't exist, or if I'm just an idiot. Curse me - my body and my brain since every stinkin thing that I wish not to do- being disobedient, inconsiderate, spiteful, dramatic, gossip-y, misbehaving attitude wise, etc., I end up doing! I'm not perfect. And my arms are not up screaming "I'm not perfect get off my back!" but rather "I'm not perfect and it's so blatantly obvious every time I try to do something."
So what do I do?
Praise God for His amazing patience with me. He knows I need it.
I blame Christmas. I don't know what it is, but I do not feel like it means anything. I love Jesus, He is my King, I graciously and gladly await His return, but this holiday junk has lost its flare with me. When was Christmas exciting to me? And when did it stop? It feels so easy to pass that on to the first few times my mom decided working Christmas day was important. Or the time my former "step-grandmother" told me that her birthday was just another day. All this holiday vigor and excitement got consumed and lost by the drive for a paycheck. Thanks life! Because now this piece of crap winter break has been driving me further and further away from anything relating to a family the more it makes me realize that my family IS NOT a functioning family.
The funny part about it all is that this is one of the first Christmas' that my mom has chosen to take off in a while. And I don't want to see her for it. What do you do when the bridge has caught flame dozens of times and all that's left is this narrow weak path way that you have to walk and pray you don't fall off of? Especially after you've fallen foolishly so many times before. I spend all this time either feeling totally okay and justified steering clear of my family or I spend a ton of time feeling guilty for avoiding them and not wanting to make real amends. Maybe all the forgiveness that I thought I had for my mom and my uncle is just disguised apathy? How I wish I just didn't care. But then again there are lots of things that are history that I wish I just didn't care about.
I'm still alone.
I think I managed to successfully kid myself into thinking that all the loneliness stuff I mentioned earlier was just temporary. Stuff like that is not temporary. It's as prevalent and relevant as it was when I first found it to be true. I get told that I should talk to God about problems, but that I need people. So since I know I need God... when do I actually need people? I feel alone anyway, right? I know that I shouldn't set my heart, worth, weight or what have you in people since they'll let me down, if not immediately then eventually... so what do I need people for? What's a husband for? What's a friend for?
These questions are probably all easy to answer, but at the moment I probably won't be convinced of anything until I stop being so angry at everything (another symptom of my anxiety it would seem.)
"This revolution, baby
Proves who you work for lately
Who do you work for, baby?
And does it work for you, lately?
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