Let's Start Over

The semester is starting on amazing note I'd say. My days are long, my classes are cool, and I'm pretty much drama free. The gym is my new morning pastime and I've made an extra special investment mentally with my ballet class. I told a few people that I didn't really have any new years resolutions, but I think I had goals which I guess could count.

Seeing my mother was work. I managed to go the whole trip without any arguments or major blow ups... Most of that was due to my holding my tongue on my numerous amount of criticisms on the way she lives. I still despise where she lives and it really does bother me how she lives, but I said nothing. And at points where she was doing something that could be labeled as crazy I threw up my hands and just thought internally "Eff it! If you want to be crazy be crazy!" <-- That was hard because normally I try to make sense of it or rationalize it and I'd just get frustrated. No more. Crazy is as crazy does and I've become okay with not giving it any merit. All this to say that I have truly come up with goals or resolutions or what have you that are aimed toward not being like my mother. I always said that I wanted to be nothing like my mother, but I never thought out a framework as to how to make that happen. So here it is.

1. Body. In taking ballet I've kind have entered in a form of bodily discipline especially with working out and eating properly (I mean who doesn't want to look good in a leotard?) I'm going to the gym as often as possible, two days a week at the very least. My mom has a hard taking care of herself and I simply would like to not have a hard time doing so.
2. Mind. Aim well in my classes. I love my history course this semester and my planning courses are good areas for discussion and challenging thoughts. If I had time I'd read a book a month on some random subject. It would take discipline but I would like to keep my mind active in that way. My mom is trying in her aiming for her certification. It's encouraging to see.
3. Music. Being extra careful in what I ingest musically is rather important. Considering the message of the music is a big deal. Sometimes I wonder if my mother believes some of the lyrics to the songs she listens to, but it's not my place to question it especially considering some of the junk I've listened to in my life time so far.
4. Relationally. I NEED to keep people around me, preferably people that love me and are honest. I need people to point out things that are weird that I do. I need people to love on and to love me. Isolation is really not an option. I think isolation and bad relationships has backed my mom into a corner mentally. She seems so disconnected and thinking on it it's not surprising given the men who have hurt her and the pathetic situations she's ended up in (that I have to remember are NOT my fault NOR my responsibility. Even if I feel like they are sometimes)
5. Cutting Ties. I save so much time and energy when I let go of people that are wasting them. I've watched mom waste away so much effort on people, not just men, who just have nothing to offer in their friendships with her. Even the people closest to her she seems to keep around or has an excuse to be involved with them for some strange reason. I think I'm over that now. I'm going to start acting like I'm over it. [This actually ties into my issue of taking on people that God hasn't really meant for me to be involved with. I'm feeling the effects of it.]

I never thought if that much before because I used to think that I was so tough... but all of these things are hard, but necessary for me to overcome- and obviously I have not overcome them entirely. I like this me. I constantly try to remember to sit up straight and walk tall. I work out. I laugh and I sleep like a baby. I feel free. Even with the work ahead of me I feel free. Thank you, God in heaven.