Kabuto ga ni Kodai no Sakana

I'm not sure what it means, but it's the song I was listening to when I started this.

I'm in my dorm now and I really like the way it's turned out. I still have my German research paper to write, but I think I'll have it done by Saturday no later. This whole healing process has been pretty good. I'm not beating myself up, or letting the memories and thoughts trigger an emotional response. I've been spending time with friends and praying and being positive. That's really been helping. I'm really happy because I've talked to my friends about my new found Faith and they have been very sweet and supportive of me... not something I was expecting initially.

I'm looking forward to this fall and all the opportunities it has in store for me. I'm actually the least stressed out I've probably ever been in my whole life. I most certainly appreciate this peace, especially considering how I still don't have a fall schedule on top of other things that troubled me all summer. But I'm alright. It feels good to just be alright. I got my wisdom tooth out! No more summer tooth infections! The whole operation made me SOOOO glad I wasn't getting more then one out. I learned I'm not as tough as I think I am.... and that's okay too lol.

The only real battles I've been fighting personally have been the ones with myself (surprise surprise) with my esteem. The confidence is coming along rather nicely, but myself image goes up and down like a pulse reading image. Some times I feel super amazingly beautiful in all my plain and simpleness, and other times I go outside and see gorgeous girls that look nothing like me and feel defeated. It's a nasty battle and I feel like the only way I'm going to win this is if my steady rising confidence simply continues to rise... I figure eventually self comparisons won't be an issue. I think God is preparing me for something. I'm not sure what, but I think the way I see myself is going to play a little piece in it because it's been a faint yet persistent thought in my mind.

I think this is the first post I've made where there wasn't some intense or minor drama overwhelming my thought process. I like it a lot! I'm calm and collected for once. I know I'm a mess, but I'm alright with it and it's not taking me over. What else can I write about?

My baptism has been postponed to this Sunday! I'm still excited. And still nervous hehe. I'm making gumbo probably tonight for the first time on my own... and I have officially found myself reaching so I'll wait until next Thursday when things might seem more interesting :)

I feel good about everything... and though I may have ups and downs I know that this feeling will be my stasis from now on...