Trying

Phew.... wow.... ooops lol

I feel fantastic. I am a Christian officially. I have given my life to God and I can breathe ... finally.

Marshall was a mistake that I made just before I was about to make this decision. I realize now that this is what I always wanted. And Marshall was my excuse not to since we had had sex before the summer. I thought I enjoyed my sex life enough to let it slide.... And then he hurt me deeply enough for me to realize that I have nothing. I don't belong to myself, I've been taking care of myself so much for so long that I finally reached a point of just being tired. Tired of the pain, tired of the disappointment that I bring upon myself, tired of the people that I give my heart and soul to only for them to leave me the first chance they get.

I have chosen to give my heart to someone that will never leave me. He will not abandon me. I think of that and smile to the point of tears. He will carry the burden of my worries and problems so that I don't have to anymore. I realized that all I ever wanted to do was to love someone... Love someone with all my heart and soul and never have to question it. Marshall was the last human being for me to attempt this and failed... My own mother even failed to meet this need to let me love her without question... God is the only thing in my life that I can love so much with all of me and He. Will. Not. Leave.

Record timing in recovering from such a blow. It still stings a little, but I am so happy. I'm getting baptized this Sunday at someone's home. I'm excited, but I'm so scared... mostly of screwing up. But I was reassured that I will screw up so much in my life, but if I choose to walk with God like I intend then I will be met with twice as many blessings. I've got a lot to learn and I want to. I'm ready for a change. I just have to get my brain to get out of performance pressure mode and just live. A clean conscience and a freedom to be happy with my choices is what I'm after especially since I realize that I just wasn't happy.

At all.

Especially in my relationships.

I'm going to be alright. I've got to work and be diligent and just be myself. I'll be fine.

"Well let me be the first to say that I- don't have a clue. I don't have all the answers. In God I'll pretend like I do, Just trying- to find my way... Just trying to find my way- the best that I know how."