Getting What I Wanted

Sometimes it just sucks to think about being me.

I'm doing quite well. My health seems steady, classes are interesting, I'll be teaching at an elementary school this semester which I'm super excited about. And overall things are going exceptionally well. I finally got baptized on Sunday and it's only been a few days, but my relationship with God is so sweet and He has blessed many of my situations already.

Now for the icky stuff.

Last time I wrote about self issues that I took notice of and realized I needed to make sure that myself image shapes up. I had a conversation with a good friend of mine and it opened up a wound I was trying so hard to ignore and yesterday morning it hit me like a ton of bricks until I wrote it out:

"I am embarrassed at times for being a darker skinned female with afro hair because i go for men who are typically of opposite description and they often reject me for girls the opposite of me (typically white with long hair)"

After I wrote it down during class and read it over (I only had to troubles listed) I looked at it... decided it was retarded and was finally able to focus. I don't necessarily think I was ignoring the issue so much as just needing to get it out on paper so I could stop making it my primary focus. And of course it's dumb because it's not like I can suddenly become this fair skinned blond straight haired barbie doll. But I guess the ultimate question is if I could... would I?

Marshall breaking up with me... no.... cheating on me with another girl I think has just pushed up a lot of inner feelings I've had about myself that I've been trying to defeat. I know I shouldn't be harping on him or what he's done, but it's really hard when I semi-anticipate this happening EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Not simply being cheated on, but having a guy that I'm interested who is either a lighter complexion than I am or white just becoming disinterested in me for whatever reason and suddenly "falling in love" with a girl that is nothing like me two days later. It hurts, and it sucks. And dammit if I have to keep praying about attempting to not let it bother me... I will anyway, but I just wish it weren't an issue. I trust in God with all my heart and if things are in his will to be done, as long as I make the choices that are godly and wise things will turn out alright.... right now I just can't seem to completely overpower the heartache.

Ever since God plucked Marshall out of the way really amazing things have been happening. I have a job (or rather two), I'm teaching Russian to elementary school kids, I'm building a positive relationship with my German Department head who used to frighten me a lot (it was all in my head). And I've been comfortable in my own skin, seeing good friends, meeting some interesting people. I really do feel like Marshall was simply in the way. And when I saw him at the movies on Saturday night I was livid as hell. I wanted nothing more than to bash his head through the window he was sitting in front of. He couldn't even look at me. And I think what ultimately pissed me off is that he will NEVER apologize to me. I find myself in a constant personal battle: One day it'll be his fault for being a selfish, ignorant, asshole.. and the next day it'll be my fault for loving him so hard and pushing him away and constantly being upset with him for not being the boyfriend I wanted....

And with that I've had to become content with being single and not making a relationship my primary focus because every time I put my hands on something like that, it rots in the palms of my hands. I smile when my friends tell me of their adventures and desires for a partner, ranging from "I need some action" to "I'm ready for a ____friend now." It's cute. And it makes me wish I was where they were from time to time, because I've come to one very daunting surreal conclusion- I want to get married.

It's been one of those things that I can't fight anymore. I think of how I was when I was fooling around with guys and realized it wasn't working. I think of how much work and energy and love I put into being with Marshall... and I compare that to what my friends believe, and what Marshall used to say to me that always started arguments.... I am basically ready to be with someone for the rest of my life. And I should kinda take note that perhaps God, by taking out my distractions, by allowing me to love Him as much as I want, is preparing me for the very thing I've been ready for, for quite some time now. I'm sure He is okay with me being sad and heartbroken, it's hard not to be, but I feel like there is something in the works, and I have no idea what it is. I just have to be patient and trusting. Which is becoming easier by the day.

In other news, this kid that I know who is a friend of mine (he's older than I am, but he's still a kid to me) really set me off with a two day argument about the bible, God, and what I'm doing with it. I've decided that I have had lots of experiences and have plenty more to go in my life and there is NEVER a need to defend my faith, or the bible because they defend themselves. I've decided that I have no reason to listen to people who HAVE NEVER experienced... much of anything. Don't talk to me about my sex life if you've never had sex. Don't talk to me about managing money if you've never worked a day in your life. Don't talk to me about faith if you barely trust the very source from which your faith is derived. I know that I'll be faced with tough conversations throughout my life while being a Christian, but I'm surely going to pick and choose my battles and just not give a damn about what people feel the need to say about my faith personally. Because the bottom line is, they don't know anything. I just needed to get that out there because the next time it happens, I'll have to put my Christianity on the side and duke it out hard core. I don't enjoy fighting (verbally or physically) unless it's absolutely necessary. I'm asking people kindly to not make it necessary. Period.

Waking up early and getting to bed early is really amazing. Nothing good happens after 1 AM for me and waking up at 7:30AM helps me get things done.