Hot Flash

HE WAS CHEATING ON ME THE WHOLE TIME. I JUST FOUND OUT YESTERDAY MORNING (August 11/12) I AM ANGRY HURT SAD GRATEFUL AND JUST PLAIN PISSED. I LOVED HIM WITH ALL MY HEART AND HE BETRAYED MY TRUST.... I'M SO DISGUSTED I CAN BARELY KEEP FROM CRYING SOMETIMES... But... God loves me.

So to everyone who was wondering if Marshall would be able to make up for the crummy summer time that we've been having... Yes, yes he did.

Yesterday, August 5th was my 20th birthday. Marshall came by pretty late in the afternoon, but I went with him to his new apartment complex, we went to visit our friends' new house, then went to a very nice dinner at a place called Cypress. I really made myself look silly from time to time. I'm not the super sophisticated refined type, I don't go out to super nice restaurants very often so i felt kind of embarassed when he'd call me out on goofy things I was doing. And he made me so nervous! ugh! I never get all shy and bashful around people, especially him! I don't know why I get that way. Then after that we went to see this movie Funny People but not before randomly going for a walk around the mall area. During the movie (which I thought was pretty good) I started getting really hot, like I couldn't even sit close to Marshall anymore because I felt like I was on fire. On the way back to our friends house he had the air on full blast, and the windows down and I was still super hot. He said I was having hot flashes jokingly, but I knew he was getting worried. I didn't know what was going on and so I decided to have water and take a shower at Gresko and Strouss'. It really helped and for about 10 minutes me and Marshall just sat and watched TV until he decided it was time for him to go home. When he dropped me off we quarreled for a bit like we always do, but right before I got out of the car we kissed... and it reminded me of everything I felt before the summer and how real it was.

And despite all this I'm still worried about us. Maybe it's just me missing him and being afraid that he'll change his mind about me. Maybe it's my irrationality making up things in my head and assuming that this separation made him do things that he would never admit to me... But at dinner he told me about his ventures with his female friends I think I asked him if he did anything questionable, and he asked "How nervous should I make you?" and I asked "How nervous should I be?" his response? "Not at all." I know he's attractive and I know he's got a tons of girl-friends is it not natural to be jealous? Or concerned? I kinda wish I'd get over being so nervous about everything with us. He's with me, he wants me, and I just can't seem to realize it.

He held my hand the first chance he got when I got in his car, and everything in his car reminded me of everything I missed about him when he first left for Crestview. I think I'm so tainted with the last year of things going so wrong I'm just really afraid that he's going to change his mind, or express the exact same affections toward someone else. I need to give him more credit. And overall I need to relax. He's wonderful and I appreciate him. It started out weird, but I think we're going to be alright. I just miss him so much.

I had to make myself not tell him that I love him last night. It was really hard.