To Russia

"It's a life long journey to get one person to believe that your faith in God is real."

My mom said that to me earlier this afternoon when I told her about this person I know who called my intentions for following God selfish because of the aspect I gain of everlasting life. The argument just made me realize and love how strong my faith in God is and how selfish it isn't. I've prayed about it and I've forgiven him... but the fact that someone could be so ignorant to God's love astounds me... and the comments still sting a little apparently.

I've been thinking a lot about that. Selfishness. And how it's pointed out in me. I'm beginning to figure out the difference between whether what I desire is selfish or if what I desire can be determined by me and in turn be trusted in God's hands. I am learning not to live for the flesh but for God, but I think I'm getting it confused with what me wanting to do things and feeling like God has to "tell" me whether it's okay for me to want to do things. So to exercise the fact that I am allowed to want things I have decided that Russia is most certainly on my "To Do List"

I'm hoping to go to Moscow over the summer for six weeks and have the time of my life and learn all kinds of new things. Except learning to like mineral water (or Gas water) that crap is terrible :P lol I'm also considering a new course of graduate studies: Urban and Regional Planning. I realized that I'm really forcing myself to do economics and I'm going to give regional planning a try to see if I can find a genuine interest in it. I'll know by senior year I guess.

On the guy front I think I've finally let it go. All of it... all of them. EFM still remains a hopeless case for me. I almost asked him out in the library the other day. I forced and prayed myself out of it. It was during the time of the struggle of wanting what I want and wanting what God wants. And in the end I'm sure he would have said 'no' anyway (and that's not me being all emo about it). J.B. is such a strange strange case. I think I'm better off not considering any romantic relations since I know I can get wrapped up in them. I want feelings to be mutual and I don't want to have to feel like I need to do something in order to make it happen. It's not about me.

I'm milking my resources pretty intensely these days. I became bold and e-mailed my employer from the UCC and asked her if I could work in the club, but doing something else. I want a job (that whole selfishness and learning to give it to God thing) so I've been randomly applying to different places. I'm going to keep trying. There is no point in forcing myself to do things I don't want to do right? So why not do the things that you want to do (while not obsessing)?

I'm going to clean my room... I might actually go to bed early this time