Levels of Anything

This past weekend was filled with all kinds of things. Sobriety being in the top two.

I didn't mention it, but Kevin and I ended things. How about that? 3 weeks. My absolute shortest relationship and we still talk to each other. I'm glad things ended will, but I will admit that I was pissed. Not at Kevin, but just the whole situation. God really does say no and the HARDEST thing has been trying to believe that he has something much better lined up for me if I just wait.

Among things I've been learning about myself is that waiting is very difficult when you don't know what to do. I've learned earlier in my life that when I try to put my hands on anything, what I'm holding on to usually rots right in front of me. The approach to take life and situations with an open hand and trust God is something I still haven't drawn myself to yet. And I'd be a fool to think for a second that I could do it alone.

I'm becoming more frustrated with myself than ever. I've come in contact with a few guys these past few days. All attractive, but all I know that either : A) I have no chance with; 2) They have no chance with me; *) If there is a chance it'll end tragically. But I set myself up. And I'm totally expecting to feel the ground to hit me any minute now. I want to be with someone. I'm not desperate, I'm just impatient as heck. And I'm taking it out on myself by acquiring eye candy. I just want to relax. I'm reminding myself that there is nothing wrong with being attracted to someone(s) haha... it's just a matter of me getting into it emotionally. God really wants what is best for me, I just don't know.... I don't know what to do until I run into that person that turns out to be awesome. Awesome is indeed a loaded term,... but loaded with what? Honestly I feel like I've got nothing. No signs (except for avoiding assholes), no warnings or signals.... except one... Singing. I know that isn't enough. I just don't know what else is.

God just show me... Tell me.... Even a hint....

"Don't waste a drop, baby I ain't thirst."