To be Afraid

I woke up at 6 this morning... more like 6:10. It's pretty awesome. I went for a crappy run which I feel like accomplished nothing really lol. Then I practiced Kali until my ears started hurting from the cold again. I think I'll just run in the mornings without practicing Kali... less to carry.

Not bad eh? two days in a row of writing. I think I just have some things on my heart that I can't really just blurt out to anyone:

I am scared.

I hate meeting anyone that I have the potential to be with. I hate being attracted to men, because I just get so... frightened. Frightened of rejection. Frightened of something new. Frightened of scaring them away. There is all this pressure on my end to be something appealing and who ever it is barely knows who I am. I'll call him Musca. And he doesn't even know I'm there, I'm sure.

Why do I do this to myself? Why do I allow my emotions to flutter away into someone that I don't mean anything to? Thank God that I haven't come in close contact with him.... as if I don't feel desperate enough after all, contrary to what I had hoped to be the case. I'm not desperate though. I'm longing... I'm scared... and I'm worried about NOTHING. I hate that. What is worrying me so much about liking anyone? Newly so Musca...

1) He's very attractive. Always leads to bad things for me.
2) He's not a Christian. I've obviously seen those results blow up in my face.
3) He has a great smile. This can go with the attractive and that hurts a little.
4) He's from far away. With my luck he might stay there (far away that is)

Sometimes I wonder if it's my own fault for being that talkative person. If it's my own fault for saying hi and thinking nothing of it at the time. And then in hindsight after he said goodbye the emotional dump of realizing that he stalled before he left... that he gave me his name before disappearing. It's unnecessarily weighty in my own mind.

I have a week. I'm going to be brave.

I'm going to not lean on what he thinks of me. I took some time last night for the first time in a few days to read scripture. The books of Corinthians are my favorite... I was Corinth at one point in my life... for a very long time. I placed others on a pedestal, I worshiped them unknowingly and then when I discovered I had been, I claimed to still not know that I was doing it. My heart was far away from God and I was almost certainly intent on keeping it that way. Starting to read through it has eased my heart. I feel renewed about some of these feelings... I hope Musca likes me. I hope that he thinks I'm a cool enough person to hang out with. And if nothing happens it's not that big of a deal. I'm praying for clarity. I'm praying for truth. I'm asking God to take my worries and fears and cast them away. If I stop worrying God will keep his promise of peace and joy to me. If I give him my problems and listen to the Spirit I should be able to shine brilliantly at the end of whatever is to happen. I will lean on God and he won't let me fall.... I just have to remember to lean on Him... and not myself. It's so easy to do... But there needs to be more of Him and less of me.

If you've read this thank you. I really needed to get this out somehow... off to class.

"This is your life. Is this who you want to be?"