When There is Absolutely Nothing Left

Midterms have been incredibly intense recently. I'm not really sure how I survived all of them as I have. All of the stress has changed my mind and attitude. I've been really on edge and rather terse recently. Today I was frustrated because I couldn't happily eat my cheeseburger because there was too much KetchupMusturdMayo on it. That's not me... But it has been lately. It's even come to the point where I now have this peculiar animosity toward Kevin and his friends. As if there is some odd level of repulsion I've managed to conjure up within myself toward him. He hasn't done anything. His friends haven't done anything. I just feel this intensely strong desire to have nothing to do with him. It's been about 3 days since I've noticed it and this afternoon before a nap I turned to scripture about it.

I had two fantastic dreams following reading Hebrews 11 (I refer to the Gideon bible reference when you're "feeling" a certain way.) Now when I say Fantastic I don't mean fantastic as in "Holy crap that was awesome!" it's more like Fantastic as in "ooh....."

The first dream was basically disastrous. I dreamed I was on a plane and something was going totally wrong and I had a genuine fear for my life in the dream. But then I saw the earth... all by itself in space... and it exploded. Millions, billions, if not TRILLIONS of pieces of the earth were left floating in the cosmos... The fear I had on the plane tried to rise again, but I heard my own voice say something along the lines of : "Why are you worried about this? No matter what happens to you, YOU are going to live forever with God. Even if the entire world disappears... You will be with God... So in the end there is nothing to fear in death... it doesn't matter."

The next dream I had I was with Kevin in my room. And we were hanging out and at one point we sat very close to each other and held hands.... And it wasn't strange. We even kissed a few times and everything seemed pretty awesome and calm. And then he took out this plastic brochure book thing that had little buttons on it to play songs... The first song he played was pretty. I couldn't hear the words, but the music was sweet. And then he played a song which (this makes me laugh a little) sounded like it was by Usher... and it was so sexually explicit! And I kept searching the brochure for the song and the longer I listened the more obscene the lyrics became....

I woke up and was very humbled by my dreams. I have strange dreams, but none like the one I had first. Which made me think that maybe both dreams were explaining to me where my heart is, and perhaps where it should be.

The first dream really does deal with my fears in life and the trials and hardships I'll face. Even death. But reading Hebrews 11 really made me figure out that doubtfulness is completely absurd to someone who claims to believe in God. Jesus time and time and time again has proven his greatness, proven his amazing power, proven his reign over the people... and to doubt he would keep His promise to me when He's kept his promise to all the other follower in the past is ridiculous! And I need to be particularly careful about what promises mean... Promises from God aren't "boyfriends", "Careers", "Material things". He promises to ME eternal life, He promises to ME peace, and joy and love. And I cannot live my life equating these promises to things that I "want" because I am not in control of that. God knows what I need. He sees what I want, but He will provide me in the end with what I need which will in turn be what I want. And I need to remain aware of that. My second dream was an unveiling of what I want... I want kisses, and hugs, and affection. It doesn't have to be Kevin... he was the last to provide me with such so i automatically associate him with something I want. Thus my repulsion. And it's not his fault. Or anyones for that matter. I pray that I get over it in time so I can remain a loving friend when he needs.

When there is absolutely nothing left in this world... When the earth is in millions, and billions and trillions of beautiful shiny pieces in space. I will be with my God. And I will be with those souls who truly believe in the Kingdom of God. And that's what truly matters.