Peculiar Freedom

So I was dating this guy who I call Marshall (that's his last name) and I felt horrible after the break up. -1

rvbgirl4711 (2:18:26 PM): oh yeah. I mean it's nothing bad. basically I felt like i was dictating the relationship and he seemed to make it clear that he wasn't in this for the long haul and I called him up on the 4th and told him that I didn't think we could work out
rvbgirl4711 (2:18:36 PM): I faced a lot of underlying stuff
rvbgirl4711 (2:18:41 PM): but now I'm okay.
rvbgirl4711 (2:18:53 PM): And he's been ignoring me but his excuse is that he's trying to decide what to say
rvbgirl4711 (2:19:41 PM): it's not his fault.
rvbgirl4711 (2:19:55 PM): I really felt like i was pressuring him and making him be in a relationship he wasn't ready for.
rvbgirl4711 (2:20:44 PM): and I'm not mad at him. I still love him. And if ever decides that he wants to give it another try then I'm open for it. But it's taken me a lot to just realize that it's HIS issue to deal with and not mine. I've come to grips with where my heart lies... he just needs to come his

Well that was about 3 days after I called him and broke it off. I still felt pretty disgusted by my decision. And I caught wind of something on the Monday after the 4th that made for an interesting one-on-one counseling session the following day... From that I came up with this conclusion

rvbgirl4711 (9:53:52 AM):but basically I realized that I have a ridiculous weakness toward men. While i'm entering and within a situation I let guys run the show even when i don't like it
rvbgirl4711 (9:54:06 AM):which is why me choosing to break up with Marshall was such a huge deal for me
rvbgirl4711 (9:56:52 AM):yeah. It was always strange because after the situation [with other guys] was over I grew from it and learned from it, but in the next new situation I was right back where I started. Feeling like I wanted something that wasn't making me happy and trying to be patient hoping the situation would change... a lot like how it used to be with my mom. I would want a real mother-daughter relationship with her and she'd fail me every time, but i couldn't let it go

It may not seem like much, but this minute realization made a world of difference on my heart. The only other time I was growing out of the idea of being in a situation that wasn't making me happy was when I finally decided (on July 4th 2008 funny enough) to break up with my ex of five years. Although that situation was a gateway into another crappy situation with this kid Adam, it really was the first time i realized "Hey! I don't need to be with someone just because it's all I know. I DON'T need someone who doesn't need me or want me!"

It's taken a bit for me to regain that sense with other men, but this was absolutely huge for me. This is the first time since the little window between this guy who stepped on me (and there were many who did in the 08-09 school year) and me dating Marshall that I've felt wholly comfortable being single. And this is the second time in my life I've left a bad/odd situation with a guy and thought "I'm going to hang out with my friends! Fuck it!" It's so liberating! I have people in my life who love me. And I'm growing to feel foolish whenever I become wrapped up in someone who ultimately doesn't make me happy because I lose sight of my positive friendships and opportunities to surround myself with good people.

Signs that a relationship isn't working includes:

• Staying up late hoping he calls
• Having to convince him to stay in touch with you more
• Knowing that he wouldn't put nearly as much effort into seeing you (in long distance relationships) as you would put into seeing him
• Listening to him tell you in ANY way that he doesn't see a future with you
• Realizing that you're arguing with yourself when you're pointing out how insensitive he can be
• Feeling like you're waiting for him to change his mind
• When you are basically bullshitting yourself thinking the relationship is totally fine
  

And this goes for fellas who are in similar situations. I refuse to be in a relationship with someone who isn't looking at least a few steps ahead with me. Not that I'm trying to entrap them into marriage and kids and all that, but at least understand my goals in life and my desires from the relationship over a long period of time. Two years is not long for me at all.

But this freedom, this joy, this happiness I'm feeling without a boyfriend/fling/lover or whatever you want to call it... It's overwhelming, yet less stressful and I feel like I'm readying myself for someone that DOES want me the same way I would want them. And it's fantastic. I called myself beautiful today.

And I believed it.

1. Every word of this held true. Marshall and I (as of July 17th) have decided to give it another go. I have agreed to approach him with less co-dependence and not nearly as high expectations as I did before on the condition that he'd simply try. I still feel this freedom for myself, I'm just learning to apply it in any situation I'm in. If things don't work out still then I'll be ready for it. He's a great guy, and I just need to be patient with him. I think he's worth it and I feel like he's willing to try. He may not say it but he really appreciates me and he really likes me... he's just... a guy...