Chicken Biryani

My mind is pretty blown from my thoughts this week.

My wisdom tooth infection is healed up and and the tooth extraction will be taking place in August. I am truly grateful.

Marshall and I have been doing alright. I still have yet to see him, but I think the complete separation gave me a lot of good perspectives. I think we're going to do a lot better this time around.

Right now the Chicken Biryani dish that I helped Lani prepare is baking in the oven as I write.

My biggest concern really is that I stand in a very peculiar spiritual point in my life. I am on the border of considering being a devout Christian... but I cannot bring myself to be totally genuine and accepting enough to be a part of that faith. I am thrown off entirely because of my ideas and thoughts on abortion, homosexuality, and sex in general. Ha I guess those are the ones that always throw people off if they discover some form of spirituality post experience. Overall I think the teachings of love and innocence gained and regained through Christ are amazing. But...
I explained it to John before dinner yesterday with this analogy:

Say I had a few brothers and sisters (I'm an only child) and one of my brothers just happened to be homosexual and my mother, deeming him simply as an abomination, kicks him out of our home and separates us siblings from him... even though I don't see him as an abomination, he is my brother who I love dearly no matter what. But I am supposed to accept that fact the he is an abomination because he selfishly chose to be in a way that disrupts the natural order of the world.

This is exactly how I feel about the referenced Kingdom of God that I've heard a bit about growing up. What hurts my heart even more is knowing the homosexuals that do love Jesus, and God and his words of love... even though he will never accept them as his children.... PEOPLE GO TO COUNSELING FOR THIS AND ARE SCARRED FOR LIFE WHEN PARENTS DO THIS EVEN WHEN THEY ARE HETEROSEXUAL. This is another reason why I have found it hard to see God as a parental figure... because based on my experience parents can be wrong... and that's hard.

My counselor has talked me through it a little, I've calmed down a bit because it really was overwhelming me for a while. I'm almost completely certain that I don't want to be embraced into a Kingdom where the people I know are loving and beautiful and genuine are cast out because of who they choose to love and care about. I would be a liar from day one if I said that I've chosen Christ as my savior. And what's even worse is that all the stuff that I disagree with in this gospel are all things that have nothing to do with me, sans my sex life in general [fornication out of wedlock is a sin you know ;-) ].

Yet this is where I find myself on the very line between faith and just being loved by the God that found me. I don't know where that leaves me. I don't know if there is an after life for me to look forward too... I'm beginning to feel like this is the only life we have and what we do here now will simply affect those we leave behind. My belief in God has not wavered, I know that there is evil and pain and suffering and I know that it sometimes can be treated with knowledge, understanding, HONESTY and love.

Lesson: Lying to yourself and living in a bullshit light is not an option if you want that weight lifted. I've learned that God can only be reached when there is an open mind and heart for him to enter. And people can, have and will go all there life without ever knowing if he's truly there. But if their strife and pain and confusion can be healed by another mean that isn't fake, bogus or a result of total dependency from something in this world (because things on this planet never last) then who can say what they choose is wrong? This is something that won't leave me for a long time, but I'm also learning to be brave enough to choose and trust my actions and accept the consequences good or bad.

Another really hard problem I've been dealing with is talking to my friends about any of this. Not having a religion makes it even more difficult haha. Whenever my friends tell me about something incredibly difficult about a break up that's left them torn, or a need for something that can't be met, I have to bite my tongue to a great degree to keep from telling them that there is a God that loves them the way no one else ever could. There is an entity that wants nothing but good things for you, you just have to be open enough to believe it. And it sucks because i was right where they were 4 months ago. My neo-family suggests that I hang around a different crowd, but why? Why should I stop having my awesome friends because I found something that they don't have?....

I don't know how I feel about that previous question...